WrestleMania XXVII: My review of the weekend

Epic

To read an opinion of the show from someone who could actually see the fine points of each match and who wasn’t tainted by $7 beers, check out Kyle Rancourt’s notes on WrestleMania 27.

And so it has come and gone.

The greatest spectacle in sports entertainment, the Super Bowl of fake sports, the mania of wrestle. As an on-and-off, life-long fan of scripted fighing, attending my first WrestleMania was one hell of an experience.

Before I go into breaking down the actual event, here are a few bullet-point notes that stood out from the weekend as a whole:

• Sunny getting inducted into the Hall of Fame had to be a nerve-racking experience for any 90s-era wrestler who is currently married. Seriously, it’s almost cruel that they put her in the same class as Shawn Michaels. For those of you who don’t know, Sunny is well-known for being a prostitute in the 90s. And by prostitute, I mean she had sex with pretty much everyone on the WWF roster for free. HBK was one of her more notorious patrons relationships. That was of course before he became a born-again Christian and she became a cocky, over-the-hill, white trash queen of bloviation.
• Road Dogg’s induction of his father, Bullet Bob Armstrong, into the WWE Hall of Fame was awesome. It was certainly nostalgic, and made me wonder how this guy’s verbal skills don’t have him employed right now. Seriously, a “ladies and gentlemen” promo is enough to make me push for the return of managers.
• I could listen to Dusty Rhodes talk for days. The accent, the rambling stories and the curious explanations. Seriously, the upcoming WrestleMania DVD will be worth the cost simply because of The American Dream’s attempt at explaining the Iditarod.
• Stop what you’re doing and go to the Georgia Aquarium right now. Whale sharks are totally boss.
• Apparently the WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony is a formal occasion for all. Little did I know that cheap suits and cheesy evening gowns were par for the course at pro wrestling’s red carpet occasion. I’ll be ready next time. Don’t you worry.
• Don’t ever drink Beverly soda. It’s from Italy, and it tastes like a combination of flat soda water and cheap vodka. Thanks a lot, World of Coca-Cola.
• The Double Coronary Bypass Burger is a half-pound patty topped with six slices of American cheese, eight pieces of bacon, two fried eggs and it’s all between two grilled cheese sandwiches that serve as the bun. The eggs get you.

Now onto the event.

Just walking into the Georgia Dome was an experience in itself. The build-up of the event is unreal, and you don’t really realize what you’re getting into until you arrive inside. The visual of the stage and ramp in the vast space of a 70,000-seat football stadium is incredible. It really is tough to imagine the work that goes into these four hours. Bonus perk: club seats.

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus

Ah, the part where I get to make fun of you, the lazy, stay-at-home PPV orderer, because you didn’t get to see this match, and I did. Except you didn’t miss anything. Really, you missed nothing. The US title match now infamously became the show’s dark match which infamously became a throwaway, get everybody on the show battle royal. Say it with me: Kick, kick, punch, punch, somebody falls over the top rope. Kick, kick, punch, punch, somebody falls over the top rope. Rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat.

The move is getting bashed and will surely be compared to the tag team title unification match that took place as the dark match for WrestleMania XXV. However, there are two key differences here:

• The tag match (between Miz/Morrison and the Colons) had a major build and was appealing to the casual WWE fan. This year’s US title match was barely a discussion point outside of Internet fans.
• The tag match didn’t turn into a giant, cluster battle royal between every tag team in WWE. OK, that’s probably because it already featured the only two tag teams in WWE at the time.

Remember when tag teams cut promos? Me neither.

Don’t worry, folks. Sheamus will be fine.

The Rock’s introductory promo

Nothing revolutionary here, so I know plenty of people at home complained that Rock did nothing new and seemed to be going through his traditional routine. Well, consider this Exhibit A of how much better EVERYTHING is in person. A live Rock promo is, as The Great One would say, electrifying. It jumped the crowd right into the show, and it’s always fun to sing-a-long with Rocky.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Edge

This match going on first shows the unconventional method that wrestling PPVs now operate under. I say this because it’s a theory that I feel most people didn’t understand when they wrote their respective reviews of Mania. There is no longer a traditional definition of the term “main event.” Matches are positioned to balance out the emotion of the crowd, and that’s exactly what was done in Atlanta to some extent. Sure, you could argue that this match didn’t need to go first because of Rock’s promo, but this was still an excellent start. A lot of fun and creative reversals by both guys, and a surprising result with Edge going over.

Del Rio’s arm bar finisher leaves plenty of sick possibilities for surprising twists, and we saw that for the first time on Sunday. It was shocking to see this come on first, but it sure set one hell of a precedent.

Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio

A match that is getting heavily underrated right now. I really thought this was a solid match, but the fact that the crowd was kinda mum to it did not do it any favors. It simply didn’t feel like a big deal because this is the only feud on the card that wasn’t featured prominently on Raw, which will always be the flagship show of WWE. It really came off as a comic book showdown between Mysterio’s Captain America gear and Rhodes’ over-the-top, self-disgusted villain. The victory was great for Rhodes, and both men got to show off some excellent maneuvers.

It’s too bad most of the crowd was like me and had little exposure to the feud as a whole.

No! Rip Hamilton is beating up Captain America!

Big Show, Kane, Kofi Kingston and Santino Marella vs. The Corre

This match was so bad and irrelevant that it was even more useless than I originally thought it would be. Proof? It didn’t even last long enough to serve as a proper bathroom/beer/merchandise stand break. It was all over before I even made it into the concourse. Dumb.

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk

I had previously said that I hoped this match would get somewhere between 15 and 20 minutes. According to ProWrestling.net, it got 14:45, but it deserved more. Not complaining, the two did an excellent, old school job with what they were given. Later, two veterans would prove that it was probably impossible to steal the show, but Orton/Punk was still very well done. Word is that Orton was particularly not happy backstage with where this match was placed on the card and how much time it was given. While part of me can’t blame him, the other part thinks the time for these two to absolutely star will soon come, and the placement of this match had a lot to do with the aforementioned unconventional card.

The RKO is an excellent move because it makes it feel like a match can end at any time. That was certainly the vibe in the arena when he caught CM Punk’s flying clothesline attempt. The crowd was a bit heel-heavy all night as WrestleMania tends to draw the intense wrestling fans who are older and bitter and blah, blah, blah. This was the first real evidence of this as Punk received heavy cheers from the crowd.

2011 Hall of Fame class introduced

HBK gets his moment and then has to pose for a picture next to, you guessed it, Sunny. Go away, devil woman.

Michael Cole (w/ Jack Swagger) vs. Jerry Lawler with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the special guest referee

You knew this match wasn’t going to be good. Hell, you knew it wasn’t even really going to be a wrestling match. But still, people find ways to complain that Cole didn’t come off like a descendant of Ricky Steamboat (or even Alicia Fox) on Sunday. My major complaint is that A – it went on about nine minutes too long and B – it solved nothing. All we needed was a four-minute blow-off where Lawler beat the hell out of Cole and chased him away forever, but that didn’t happen.

I differ from the crowd a little bit in that I supported Cole’s original heel run because as long as the crowd is being vocal, there’s no reason to ignore it. But what happened on Sunday both turned Cole’s heat from hatred to apathy, and then somehow kept this whole disaster going. Cole’s antics saturated the match to a point where Lawler’s offense wasn’t fully embraced. The crowd was the most enthusiastic in serenading Cole with “You can’t wrestle” chants and embracing Austin’s assorted Stunners.

It ended up being fun live, but I can only imagine how bad it dragged on television. Stone Cold’s antics in dealing with Cole’s tap-out was hilarious . But then the reversal left everything open. I thought it may lead to the final reveal of the Raw GM, but I’m now sure more than ever that that person doesn’t really exist.

Undertaker vs. Triple H

Equal parts brutal, believable and epic. The Undertaker continues to set an insane bar for WrestleMania performances in defending the latter years of his streak that now stands at 19-0.  Where the matches with HBK were technical and flashy masterpieces, this was a grueling and destructive match that lived up to every bit of its hype and stipulation. As one little kid said walking out of the Georgia Dome: “When they said no holds barred, they really meant no holds barred.”

I’m now completely convinced that Undertaker will wrestle until he can’t walk anymore, which I predict will be WrestleMania XXVIII. I’ve seen devastating hardcore matches, and I’ve seen mind-boggling psychological matches that suspend disbelief. However, I have never seen a match mix the two qualities in such a perfect manner.

This was a spot fest that told a story. A story that made fans cringe and gasp in amazement. It took every young wrestler in the back that might be bitching about veterans owning the card and said, “Well, go do that, and we’ll talk.”

There was a bit of role reversal from the Taker/HBK matches in that it was Triple H frustrated by Taker’s ability to keep getting up. It drove him several Pedigrees, repeated chair shots (including one to the head which we haven’t seen in a very long time) and arguably the most dramatic Tombstone of all time. We’re all supposed to know better, but admit it, you thought the streak was over for a moment when The Game went for the coffin cover. It was the biggest pop of the night in the Georgia Dome.

So cool.

Being the idiot that I am, I do have a minor tweak for one of the best executed matches of all time. I really would have liked to see Triple H pass out a la Stone Cold at WrestleMania 13. It just seems more in line with the whole “win or die trying” theme that Triple H was trying to get across. The reality now is that he quit. Still a crazy and awesome ending.

I feel like it wasn’t too far from reality to have Taker stretchered out of the arena. The man should probably not be wrestling or doing anything physical at this stage, but he continues to destroy his body for the streak. His squirming and general discomfort left an eerie but appreciative feeling in the dome and encouraged a great, polite standing ovation. Taker may never truly break character, but he became a little bit human Sunday night. Don’t expect to see The Last Outlaw for several months as he really sold the idea that he’ll be feeling like hell for a while because of this one night.

Trish Stratus, John Morrison and Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler and LayCool

Attention, douchers. This is what is called a buffer match. It is the match that serves as your letdown from a great match so that another big match isn’t expected to top something that it probably can’t. The placement of this match does not somehow mean that Vince McMahon views Snooki as a main-event attraction.

This was simply a gimmick that served as a transition. Calm down, losers.

From L to R: guidette, midcarder

Attention, douchers No. 2. Booing Snooki doesn’t make you cool or a better wrestling fan or anything more than, well, a doucher. I admitted this last night, and I’ll admit it again. I was kinda proud of Snooki last night. She ran out in front of 71,000 people who all wish they could get paid to party on television, and got her spray-tanned ass completely booed off. She received the second most heel heat on the show, and we’ll get to No. 1 in a moment.

But then she did something crazy. She showed a little bit of athleticism, and everybody either shut up or (gasp) cheered. It was a legitimately cool moment, and you could tell it meant a lot to her.

Ziggler and Morrison will one day get better draws for Mania. But first they both have to prove they have more charisma than they’ve show in their careers. Pushing either one right now would be a rush. They’re simply not polished enough as complete characters.

The Miz vs. John Cena

Let’s talk for a second about the biggest mistake made at WrestleMania 27.

The cool entrances are over and it’s time for the WWE Champion to face a man who is supposed to be the company’s biggest babyface. It should be electric and deafening inside the arena. Except no one cared.

No one cared because they knew not to take the match seriously until they saw The Rock. They knew not to cheer for Miz because he’s an overly pompous heel, but they also knew not to cheer for Cena because Rock has informed the world that it’s not cool to cheer for WWE’s biggest merchandise man.

What we got was an overshadowed heel champion working against a face challenger who received more heel heat than anyone else on the card (even Vickie Guerrero) on Sunday night. It was awkward and went against the grain of pro wrestling 101 in a bad way. I don’t think I’m alone in admitting that I paid little attention to the match until Rock came out and restarted it.

UPDATE: Since I began writing this, it was announced on Raw that Rock will face Cena in a match … In 361 days at WrestleMania 28 in Miami.

So if Rock continues to destroy Cena, what choice does WWE have? Eventually the kids will stop cheering for him because it’s not cool to cheer for Cena at live events. But then again, Cena could gain his face status back by going through some other feuds with intense heels in the mean time.

One last thing with Cena/message to fans: If you boo Cena and tear into him because you truly hate his character, go ahead. But if you’re at an event and doing so simply because he appeals to kids, grow the hell up. Guess who wrestling is made for? Kids, not 45-year-old socially awkward Game Stop managers, you creepy bastard. It only makes you more pathetic and closer to “It’s still real to me, dammit” status to pick on kids at a pro wrestling match. Heels aren’t impressed by the fact that you waited in line for two hours to see them because you read dirt sheets and consider yourself whatever the hell a “smark” is. Cena works his ass off and keeps your favorite company afloat. Tyson Kidd doesn’t.

Do I care for Cena? Not really, but I understand his place in WWE as the company’s most marketable star. However, it is getting very difficult to see the future of that status if Rock continues to blur lines.

For the record, it was very strange hearing Miz get a giant pop for his pinfall.

If you smell...

Overall

As I’ve repeatedly said, I loved everything about attending Mania. It was truly a blast and an experience that I’ll remember forever.

If there’s one thing that really stood out Sunday, it was that WrestleMania 27 defined the idea of sports entertainment over wrestling. It might not be for everyone, but to me the spectacle element beats the hell out of watching two computer geeks go crazy for 45 minutes in a high school gym. If you don’t like it, don’t watch it. WWE won’t miss you.

WrestleMania 27 was far from technical, but it was certainly a spectacle. The countdown to Miami begins now.

-Bryan

The Road to Wrestlemania XXVII: A preview

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

It’s almost here.

I never book anything in advance, so you can imagine my attempt at acclimating to the idea of Wrestlemania 27 only being a handful of days away. I’ve had this ticket for son long, I’ve almost forgotten that I had it at times. But now is not one of those times.

On Friday, I will be leaving for Atlanta. I’ll be there until Monday. In between, I will eat at some locales made famous by one Adam Richman, attend the WWE Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony where I will see my favorite wrestler of all time, Shawn Michaels, cry a lot and most importantly, I will be sitting in section 251 for the Super Bowl of fake sports.

But my personal experiences are another post for a later time. I’m here today to preview the entirety of the card that will fill the four-hour show on Sunday night live in front of 75,000 fans at the Georgia Dome. Plenty to write. Let’s do this.

Rey Mysterios vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes

Setting: This is one feud that I wish I had paid more attention to as I rarely get to watch Smackdown. Basically, Rhodes has gone from Randy Orton lackey to this “Dashing” character, an overly self-obsessed and metrosexual gimmick. Except Rey Mysterio broke Rhodes’ nose, sending him into this strange dark whirlwind that’s got hints of Mankind and old school Kane to it.

What I want to happen: This could be a huge chance for Rhodes to get a win and establish himself as a star. I’d like to see WWE let it happen.

What will happen: Rhodes has gotten the best of Mysterio throughout this conflict, so I’m assuming they’re setting up a redeeming Mysterio win at Mania.

The Corre vs. Big Show, Kane, Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella

Setting: Uh, The Corre needed an opponent, so the WWE gave them this. Poor Wade Barrett. Oh yeah, and you know that Kane guy that was the most evil dude in WWE a few months ago and buried The Undertaker alive? Well, he’s a happy-go-lucky dancing babyface now. Ugh. This is by far my least favorite match on the card. And Snooki is coming up later in the show.

What I want to happen: Wade Barrett turns on everyone and wins a seven-on-one match.

What will happen: They seem to be moving away from the whole gang thing with the second demise of the Nexus, so I expect the same thing to happen here. Babyfaces win, The Corre starts to hint at a quick breakup.

United States Champion Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan for the United States Championship

Setting: Not a huge amount of build up for this one. After winning the King of the Ring tournament late last year, Sheamus went on an embarrassing streak where he was literally losing to everyone. So finally, he got mad, dropped the King gimmick and challenged Daniel Bryan to a U.S. title match with the stipulation being that he would quit WWE if he did not win the belt. Sheamus won, Daniel Bryan challenged him to a rematch and boom, Mania.

What I want to happen: It’s a shame that this title doesn’t feel as important as it should be right now, but this could still be an excellent match. These two can both put on excellent matches, but it’s hard to believe they’ll get too much time to do so here. I’d like to see Sheamus win here and further push the desperate chase of Bryan, who would play best when he’s not at the top.

What will happen: Sheamus’ title run is just now getting life, and there’s no way that will change here. Sheamus wins a match that probably isn’t given more than 10 minutes.

John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler and LayCool

Setting: Yes, Snooki. Wrestlemania almost always has the random celebrity match to garner a little extra mainstream attention, and this match is this year’s version of it. Are all the Internet wrestling people bashing it? Absolutely. Do those people matter? Absolutely not. People that take wrestling too seriously drive me nuts. It’s supposed to be fun entertainment, stop crying because your favorite midcarder didn’t make the show. Booing Snooki because Kofi Kingston didn’t make the show doesn’t make you cool. It makes you a tool. This will not be the worst thing you see on Sunday night.

What I want to happen: Morrison and Ziggler have some good exchanges, Trish Stratus gets everybody all 90s nostalgic and Snooki somehow gets the pin.

What will happen: Morrison and Ziggler have some good exchanges, Trish Stratus gets everybody all 90s nostalgic and Snooki somehow gets the pin.

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

Setting: This really might be my favorite feud coming into Wrestlemania. Punk and Orton are probably my two favorite current performers in WWE, so I was sucked into this automatically. However, what they have done since has taken my interest ridiculously far. They have both played their roles to perfection. Punk is the verbal agitator who carries the crowd like a lunch box, and Orton is the quiet but fierce monster who prefers a punt to the skull over a promo. Their characters complement each other perfectly and this certainly isn’t the last time we’ll see this feud during their careers. The transformation from Punk whining and watching all of his Nexus members get taken out to his current vicious streak has been done well, too.

What I want to happen: All I ask for in this one is that these two get a decent amount of time to work their match. I could care less who wins either way as it won’t hurt the feud either way. I’ll gladly take two of the smaller matches getting squash treatment if it means these guys can go for 15 to 20 minutes.

What will happen: Orton wins, but Punk attacks him afterward to keep the feud going.

Michael Cole (w/ Jack Swagger) vs. Jerry Lawler with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the special guest referee

Setting: This match is all about setting because really this is just a quick and easy way to get Lawler his long-overdue Wrestlemania moment and Stone Cold to pass out some Stunners and drink some damn beer. It has been a little less than a year since Cole started to become a heel announcer and a few months since he and Lawler began trading verbal jabs. Cole is a giant douche. It is the basis of his character and the reason why people have booed him for years. Pro wrestling is built off crowd reactions, so the louder the boos got, the more Cole got pushed. We all know generally what will happen. Lawler deserves his first-ever Mania match and Cole has been built up so much that the crowd is going to freak when he finally takes him out.

What I want to happen: Lawler gets his feel-good moment, and Stone Cold finishes everybody off. The two go through more cold Coors Lights than Miguel Cabrera before they depart together.

What will happen: See above.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge (w/ Christian) vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay) for the World Heavyweight Championship

Setting: This match has had one of the more classic Wrestlemania main event set-ups. In this case, the blue collar babyface champion is Edge, who is on what is almost certainly his hottest run as a face in a career that’s largely been carried out as a heel. The challenger is Del Rio, a white collar heel who was four months away from even debuting in WWE at this time last year. Del Rio has hit the scene and gotten way over in a ridiculously short amount of time. The feud has stretched over two months without a single match between the two, and each has picked up a corner man along the way. For Edge, it is longtime tag team partner and best friedn Christian. For Del Rio, it is former NXT cast member and former Snoop Dogg bodyguard Brodus Clay.

What I want to happen: Edge is one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, and I have never seen him work in person before. So I am very biased when I say that I would absolutely love to see Edge retain in front of a hugely pro-Edge crowd on the biggest stage of them all. However, I’m a realist, so …

What will happen: Del Rio’s huge push will come to a climax on Sunday night. It really feels like he’s being built for a huge moment, and I expect everything about it to be grand. His entrances are grand on a weekly basis, so one can only imagine what the Mexican aristocrat will have in store for Wrestlemania. I expect him to win a long match, and Edge to continue working against younger heels as he has said that he may be very close to retirement.

WWE Champion The Miz vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship

Setting: Wait, have I really gone this entire time without mentioning THE GREAT ONE? Yes, for some terrible reason, I have. WWE has yet to give us any clue of exactly how The Rock will be involved in this match, but one has to assume that he will play a major role. All signs seem to lead to him going after Cena, but if there’s one thing we know about pro wrestling, the obvious rarely happens. The Miz/Cena feud is rare in today’s age in that it has found a way to go on for well over a year even though teh two have both gone through various feuds in the meantime. It’s a credit to The Miz that it has lasted this long. Just go back to a couple years ago when Miz was wearing glittery shorts, an Anti-Cena shirt, Mizuno gloves and a purple faux-hawk, and imagine that guy headlining Wrestlemania with Cena. It’s truly incredible.

What I want to happen: I’m at a point where I no longer believe that Cena can operate as a face, especially as long as guys like Rock and Austin are anywhere near. You just can’t be promoting a guy as your company’s top babyface when he’s getting the ass of the crowd in his biggest feuds. Yes, I understand the whole kids and merchandise thing, but at a certain point it becomes unrealistic for everyone. My theory is this: Cena wins the WWE title and Rock comes out and attempts to make nice and raise his hand and congratulate him. That’s when Cena flips and beats the living hell out of The Rock. I’m talking a 15-minute beating that puts so much sympathy on Rock that the Georgia Dome is hurling $9 beers at Cena. The seed for the turn in is simple. cena has done everything for the fans and worked harder than anyone, and the second Rock comes back, they turn on him. Hell, he can even keep up his pandering to the kids deal as long as he rips everyone else in the audience. There WWE, it’s the hottest summer storyline you’ve ever had.

What will happen: I hate to gay out here, but I really can’t predict this one. I have no idea what’s going to happen, and that’s a very good thing.

Triple H vs. The Undertaker in a No Holds Barred Match

Setting: Has a single promo ever done more for a match than the one that aired on Raw Monday between Triple H, Undertaker and Shawn Michaels? The 22-minute segment completely sold not only this match but the PPV as a whole. The three veterans put on an absolute microphone clinic, and it took this match to a level that it had been struggling to get to without the two participants coming face to face.  I’m still surprised that they did not go personal over the previous weeks with Take digging into Shawn’s retirement more, but what they did definitely worked. It’s unrealistic to think that Taker will ever lose at Mania, and to an extent, it seems even less in question this year than usual. But they have taken the story from Triple H beating Taker to Triple H crumbling in emotions a bit. Maybe the best quiet line in wrestling in 10 years: “You can’t win. I’m sorry.” – HBK

What I want to happen: It’d be selfish to say that I want Triple H to win just so I can say I’m there when the streak ends, but I might not mind it. I’m really happy either way here. Just seeing this match live will be great.

What will happen: 19-0. It’s that simple. Taker wins a drawn-out brawl after a few upset teases.

I’m like a kid at Christmas, except more excited.

-Bryan

The Road to Wrestlemania XXVII: “Monday Night Raw” 3-7-11

Because this is what I do here these days.

You know the drill. Well, at least you should.

In commemoration of ME attending the Super Bowl of fake blood sport on April 3, I will be breaking down the Road to Wrestlemania on a somewhat regular basis. By somewhat regular basis, I mean, uh, whenever I feel like it. Tonight I feel like it which is to say I can’t sleep. So second on our journey is the 3-7-11 (Oh thank Heaven) edition of Raw. The episode was hyped for the return of Stone Cold Steve Austin to WWE television. Let’s do this.

Show opens with The Undertaker’s entrance

First, let me just say that I freaking love the slight tweak that Taker has made to his gimmick since returning. In case you haven’t noticed, he is no longer being dubbed as “The Deadman”. He is now “The Last Outlaw”. He still carries all the trademark appearances of The Deadman, except now he comes out to Johnny Cash and talks and moves like a real person during promos. It’s a combination of Deadman and American Badass, and it’s brilliant.

Anyways, Taker is obviously focusing on Triple H for their match at Mania. Basically, he came out to say that the match will be no holds barred, which is to say that it will be a professional wrestling match. Thanks Taker!

Taker continued to hint that this could be a retirement match by reiterating Triple H’s statement that he “will die” if the streak ends, and that Triple H will “die trying” if Taker wins. If Mania 27 is really Taker or Triple H’s last match, and I get to see it live, I might pee a little.

Randy Orton defeats David Otunga (AKA Mr. Jennifer Hudson)

So three guys (Nexus) beat the hell out of one guy (Randy Orton) for a solid ten minutes. After dragging his lifeless body from backstage to the ring, a member of Nexus (Otunga) manages to lose a match to Orton. IT’S STILL REAL TO ME  DAMMIT!

If you haven’t been paying attention, this is all to fuel the best undercard feud going right now. Orton vs. CM Punk is epic and you should almost certainly agree with me. Punk started the feud because Orton punted him in the head (WWE’s version of Orton killing you) two years ago, costing him to forfeit his world title. So Orton has now managed to punt three members of Nexus, leaving Punk with just one comrade with less than a month until Mania.

Christian defeated Brodus Clay

A returning Christian has become something of the odd man out in his love/hate triangle with Edge and Alberto Del Rio. Christian beats the large Brodus Clay fairly easily, but is then taken out by the man who was supposed to be his opponent, Del Rio. The last two times Del Rio has beat up Edge, there’s been a Christian save. But tonight, no Edge. Something tells me we have a post-Mania feud that Edge/Christian fans have wanted for years.

Sunny is being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame

I dedicate this moment to a young girl who once tried to get a 10-year-old Bryan Holt in trouble for bringing a magazine with Sunny bikini pictures in it to elementary school.

Take that, snitch.

Pretty sure this is the exact pic.

Eve defeated one of the Bella Twins to retain the WWE Divas Championship

GIRL FIGHT! Moving on.

Michael Cole promo leads to chaos (Kyle Rancourt’s head explodes)

So Michael Cole is out to announce who the guest referee will be in his match against Jerry Lawler at Wrestlemania. I feel the need to bring Rancourt into this because his opinion on Cole’s current role is true.

As he wrote earlier from his revolutionary Twitter account to my new and revolutionary Twitter account: @BryanHoltGC I’d rather watch a Vickie Guerrero sex tape than watch the WWE push Michael Cole as a major heel. It’s painfully bad.

Rancourt is right. Cole is over the top and cartoonish, even by pro wrestling standards, in his role as a dorky announcer turned dorky bad guy. He’s terribly douchey to the point where if I was a casual viewer flipping through channels, I’d almost certainly never stop at USA Network and watch.

BUT, the golden rule in pro wrestling is simple: Go with the crowd’s reaction. The live crowd’s have hated Cole for years, so WWE made him a heel. Little kids buy John Cena merchandise like Dickey Eklund buys crack, so WWE keeps Cena face despite the protests of everyone over 13.

While it may seem like it, WWE isn’t really trying to make Cole a top heel. They’re just trying to help create this giant jackass that you are interested in seeing Jerry Lawler knock around for eight minutes as a buffer between two real matches at Wrestlemania. And it now involves Stone Cold as the special referee with his never-ending supply of Keystone Light.

I’m pretty sure Stone Cold can make anything good. Maybe even a Vickie Guerrero sex tape.

I love that WWE is making nostalgia such a big part of this Mania. Is it a sign that the current roster can’t carry the biggest pay-per-view of the year? Probably. But it’s going to make me feel like I’m in fourth grade again, so I don’t really care.

Daniel Bryan defeated Sheamus

Poor Bryan and Sheamus. They were forced to be the first men out of the curtain after Stone Cold Steve Austin: A - Returned to Raw for the first time in a year. B – Hit the Stunner on JBL (who was making his first WWE appearance in two years) twice. C – Poured beer all over Michael Cole. D – Drank/spilled enough Keystone Light to drown the Carolina Cup.

On the bright side for Sheamus, he got a chance after losing to talk about his losing streak. He challenged Bryan to a U.S. title match next week, and promised that he will quit if he loses. Strange wrestling fact: losing is kind of good for your character if you’re given a chance to talk about it. Silent losses mean you’re about to get fired.

CM Punk beat R-Truth

Good. Somebody keep that skipping, rapping idiot off of the Wrestlemania card, please.

Thank you, Mr. Punk.

SNOOKI IS GOING TO BE ON RAW NEXT WEEK!!!

My level of excitement for this is both unhealthy and pathetic.

Dolph Ziggler defeated John Morrison

Vickie Guerrero is now banned from Smackdown and Raw. From the looks of things, an unlikely Money in the Bank ladder match is the only chance that either of these two superstars make a meaningful match on the Mania card. This is a shame.

John Cena’s response

Really, where do I start?

I can usually tolerate Cena because I understand that I’m not who his character is aimed at. But wow, this promo was worse than awful. It was memorably bad. It left me only hoping that whoever wrote the crap wasn’t being serious. It really felt like WWE was trying to make everyone hate Cena for at least one night.

He was almost constantly the only person chuckling at his own jokes. His lines were met with both boos and, even worse, silence. He is supposed to be on stage as part of one of the biggest feuds going in wrestling today, and yet he made the worst promo I’ve ever seen him make.

Everything about it was bad, from the cheerful opening to the almost comical insinuation that he is “2-0″ in verbal jabs at The Rock. Yes, they have yet to go face-to-face on television, but if that is what Cena seriously thinks he can use against the greatest promo of all time, then the eventual face-off will be an absolute embarrassment.

The idea of Cena even trying to go against Rock in a babyface-babyface feud is dangerous for business in the WWE. Unless they’re trying to make Cena a heelish parody of himself, they’re only making matters worse.

The Miz attacks Cena and cuts a promo

This was excellent and would have been more excellent had the crowd actually gone against him. The problem is that they had just heard the worst promo in years and were actually kind of happy to see Miz take out Cena.

But everything was spot-on by Miz. He needs to express the frustration caused by Rock/Cena dominating HIS title match. He needs to insert himself heavily into that feud. He did both seamlessly to close out Raw.

The line of the night was Miz telling Rock through the camera that he was going to “take your eyebrow,  your 45 catchphrases, your father, your grandfather, roll them up into a little ball and shove them straight up” …  Well, you know the rest. The People’s Elbow was sick, too.

Here’s what the tentative card for Wrestlemania XXVII is shaping up to look like after this week’s Raw:

WWE Champion The Miz vs. John Cena for the WWE Title

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Title

The Undertaker vs. Triple H in a no holds barred match (possibly for retirement)

C.M. Punk vs. Randy Orton

Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole (with Jack Swagger) with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the guest referee

-Bryan

The Road to Wrestlemania XXVII: “Monday Night Raw” 2-21-11

The commercial that sparked a million curious nerds (including myself).

With the conclusion of the Elimination Chamber PPV behind us, pro wrestling fans are officially on the home stretch of the Road to Wrestlemania XXVII, which will take place April 3 at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta. Since my fascination with fake bloodsport is well documented around here, and since I will be attending the aforementioned Wrestlemania, I will be documenting, following and obviously making smart-ass comments about key shows leading up to the Super Bowl of scripted fighting right here on this very site. First up is the 2-21-11 edition of “Monday Night Raw” which has been hyped for weeks as the curious return of The Undertaker. Let’s do this.

Show opens with John Cena promo

… And it’s time to address all the mean things The Rock said about him last week. For those of you who need a refresher, THE ROCK SAID:

• That it’s sad how WWE has gone from the powerful “Austin 3:16″ to the dominant “Do you smell what The Rock is cookin’?” to [cue girl/Bieber voice] “You can’t shee me.”
• That a blindfolded Stevie Wonder sleeping in a basement could see Cena’s “monkey ass.”
• That Cena looks like something that got shot out of Barney the Dinosaur’s anus.
• That Cena looks like “a big fat bowl of fruity pebbles.”

Knowing that trying to talk would only magnify what Rock had said, Cena did what any 33-year-old white man wearing jorts, a purple shirt and matching hat would do, he started freestyling.  Over the course of his Slim Shadyesque rage, Cena bashed Rock for leaving the fans to make movies like “The Toothfairy” and “The Game Plan.” He also managed to say that Rock can kiss his candy ass, provide him with a certain Lewinsky-inspired sexual favor and star in the sequel to “Brokeback Mountain” (one can only assume he’d make a fine Heath Ledger fill-in).

Overall, it was probably Cena’s best way to respond, but this remains to be one of the more open-ended angles heading into Wrestlemania. We really don’t know what The Rock’s official role is going to be in the Cena match at Mania. It’s also a little dangerous for WWE to build so heavily around Cena-Rock when the actual match in Atlanta will be Cena-Miz. Regardless, this was a solid opener and it was interesting how Cena was booed and overrun by “Rocky” chants during his introduction but won the crowd back slightly during his freestyle.

Note: through the entire show, a countdown is running for the big 2-21-11 reveal which everyone knows is The Undertaker returning from being buried alive … again.

C.M. Punk defeats John Morrison

Both guys sold the effects of the previous night’s Elimination Chamber match pretty strong, but Morrison especially sold it hard giving him an excuse to lose clean to Punk, as the true point of this match was to escalate the Punk/Randy Orton feud.

After the match, Punk grabbed a mic, which is a very good thing because he’s probably the best promo in WWE today. What followed was the epicness of what most are expecting out of this feud. Punk swears that he is going to hurt Orton badly next week and warns him to “just walk away.” Orton of course responds by pounding fake punches into the back of Punk’s head, Punk retreats and we have the next advance in their march to Mania.

Alberto Del Rio tries to kill Kofi Kingston … But you already know that.

Just filler to keep people hating Del Rio as he prepares for his big title shot against Edge at Mania.

Alberto

The Miz cuts a promo

Now it’s time for The Miz to respond to the not nice things that Rock said about him. In case you haven’t noticed, The Rock is not in the building tonight, so WWE is just saying his name as much as possible to make it sound like he is. Typical Miz promo reminding everyone that all Rock can do is talk about being at Wrestlemania because unlike Cena and himself, he does not have the privilege of main-eventing the spectacle.

Anonymous GM (Yes, they still don’t know who he is) chimes in and announces that Miz and Cena will be teaming up to face The Corre in tonight’s main event with the WWE Tag Team Championships on the line. Miz promises to win the belts and leaves.

The Bella Twins defeats Gail Kim and Eve

GIRL FIGHT! Moving on…

The Bella Twins will waste your time, and you'll like it.

IT’s TIME! 25 … 24 … 23 … Okay, this is taking way too damn long … 3 … 2 … 1 …

The Johnny Cash song has become something of a secondary song for Taker, and it confirmed that the Dead Man lives. Taker came out of the cabin that had been in the weekly commercials and made his way to the ring. Typical Taker entrance until … He’s interrupted by a returning Triple H who is on our television screens for the first time since April 25.

Not one word is said during the confrontation between the two. Taker offers his trademark throat slash, Hunter his trademark crotch chop. They stare each other down and look up at the Wrestlemania sign to a huge pop from the crowd. While there are no words, the message is clear to anyone who has watched wrestling over the past year. Undertaker retired Shawn Michaels at last year’s Wrestlemania. Triple H and Michaels are both real-life and on-screen besties. Triple H is here for revenge, Taker is looking to extend his Wrestlemania undefeated streak to 19-0.

Some rumors say that HBK might be the guest referee for this match. Others say this will be a retirement match. No matter what, this one is going to be special. It really has to go on last at Mania. Sorry, title matches.

Mark Henry defeats Sheamus

Not much here as the poor guys had to follow an iconic stare-down. The storyline here is that Sheamus is frustrated by a string of recent losses, and after the match, he takes it out on United States Champion Daniel Bryan. Here’s to hoping that’s a Mania feud.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan is getting inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame

Hey ohhh.

Michael Cole interviews Jerry Lawler

Cole is the hardcore heel announcer that rubs everyone wrong. Jerry Lawler lost a WWE title match the night before (yes, you read that correctly). All signs point to them having a match in some capacity at Wrestlemania. This would be a special deal for Lawler as he has been in WWE almost 20 years and never competed at Wrestlemania.

All-in-all, this cold interview-turned-confrontation between the two did an excellent job of making viewers want to see Lawler both get his hands on Cole and finally get his Wrestlemania moment.

However, even though I’m a person who almost never thinks anything is over the top, there was a portion where Cole referred to Lawler’s mother who actually died last week to get some heat from the crowd. Obviously, it’s Lawler’s mother, and I have no right to comment, but it really seemed like a little much even if this is just a show.

Old-School Lawler

John Cena and The Miz defeat The Corre to win the WWE Tag Team Championship, then lose on an immediate rematch clause

Uh, strange end to a very strong show. They teased Cena and Miz being champions together for a moment before a rematch was announced, and Miz caused Cena to lose the belts back over to Corre. The point is meant to be that Miz came through on his promise of winning the titles, but still made a statement against Cena.

Here’s what the tentative card for Wrestlemania XXVII is shaping up to look like after this week’s Raw

WWE Champion The Miz vs. John Cena for the WWE Title

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio for the Word Heavyweight Title

The Undertaker vs. Triple H

C.M. Punk vs. Randy Orton

Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler (in some capacity)

The road winds on.

-Bryan

Sunburnt in February: Chronicles of an absent blogger

It's like Corona and SC made a baby.

Because this place could use a shot of positivity (and/or tequila).

So I returned from my five-night, something-day cruise to Mexico this morning and immediately began thinking of my little bastard child that some of you know better as Sports Casualties.

A few days of 78-degree weather, poolside reggae and fish-bowl margaritas will change a man. Unlike most cruises I had been on, this one wasn’t loaded with 19-year-old eye candy or fellow college kids icing each other at dinner or me yelling “God Bless the U.S.A.” at full blast on karaoke night after 12 hours of beer and whiskey drinks.

No, besides the occasional 60-year-old SC groupie or night at the piano bar with my senior citizen comrades, this was a pretty relaxing endeavor. A weekday cruise in February draws a little older of a demographic. Who knew?

But anyways, if there’s anything worse than someone else going on vacation, it’s listening to that person talk about his or her vacation. So that’s not what I’m here for.

Maybe it was the weather or the abnormally copious hours of sleep or the fact that I’m coming home to an internship that I really look forward to starting. Or maybe it’s my renewed appreciation for the visual of Gainesville coeds after hanging out with Archie and Edith Bunker look-a-likes for a few days.

But whatever it is, life is pretty damn good right now, and I’m excited about it.

When I arrived back at the terminal this morning, I immediately jumped on the iPhone and tweeted this:

Thumbing through SC in the waiting lounge. ANGRY HILSON ON THE LOOSE. #Emo

This wasn’t true. In fact, I actually woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep for about a hour and a half. I went out on my balcony, watched the Radiance of the Seas approach the lights of downtown Tampa, read SC and thought about this very post. [I also checked to see who had been named the host of Wrestlemania 27, but we'll get to that awesome factoid in a moment.]

For some reason, Angry Hilson is slightly difficult to digest when you’re accustomed to the “hey brah, bring me another Sol” way of life. The dog post was a nice touch, though. Sometimes we have to remind our loyal readers that we do have hearts.

So for the first time in the history of SC, the Internet and post-Nixon society, this post is dedicated to all of the positive things that happened in the world of both real sport and fake sport this week. Let’s take a look.

FINALLYYY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO ANAHEIM

Seriously, any week that starts with the MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN ENTERTAINMENT (yes, I will continue to write like I am making a Rock promo) returning to “Monday Night Raw” is going to be a great week.

Sorry, couldn’t get the link to the first half of this promo to work. Stop reading and look it up now. It’s worth it.

Everything about it was awesome. The just right amount of pre-show hype, the dramatic lights-out introduction, hearing the best wrestling promo of all time for the first time in seven years. At least until Wrestlemania, The Rock is back and its taken the build to April 3 in the Georgia Dome to an unprecedented level.

Is it slightly dangerous from a WWE standpoint? Sure it is. Having The Rock around for a month or so is only going to magnify the fact that they don’t have anyone near his caliber on their roster right now, especially on the mic.

But it definitely turns the “Road to Wrestlemania” in a totally different direction and should draw the best out of everyone. I know I say this all the time, but seriously, if you are ever going to start watching wrestling, this is the time to do it. If you need the cliff-notes to catch up on what’s going on, just let me know. Just don’t expect it to be this good all year long.

It’s spring freakin’ training

Baseball, baseball, baseball. For those of you who read us, you already know that spring training is one of my most favoritest times of the year.

Man Ram is still trying to find the clubhouse, Johnny Damon is pushing 40 with a mohawk and Evan Longoria is a greaser. It’s a great time to be a Rays fan besides, you know, the whole not having a bullpen thing. I can count the days until I’m road tripping to Port Charlotte or heckling A-Rod at Legends Field.

Uh, yeah.

I love spring training so very much. Plus, Miguel Cabrera is still an alcoholic and that’s funny.

NASCAR is back

Daytona is repaved, they changed the cars again and drivers are adopting a drafting pattern that makes them all look like lovebugs. In short, the Great American Race is on ice and ready to be consumed in its finest form.

Plus, Michael Waltrip got a truck race win Friday night ten years after winning his first Daytona race on the same day that his car owner and friend hit the wall in turn four and lost his life. Oh, and Kyle Busch didn’t win the Nationwide race.

America.

NBA Saturday Night

The best thing that the NBA does all season. Hands down.

However, one year they’re going to look back on tapes of this all-star weekend and be like “yeah, Blake Griffin was awesome, but what the hell was up with those shoes everyone was wearing?”

Gator baseball is No. 1

Because Gainesville is thirsty for a title of some kind, any kind.

-Bryan

This is my Royal Rumble recap

But you already know that.

Sunday night was my second favorite fake sporting event of the year. No, I’m not referring to the Pro Bowl, a game that embarrassed itself to even lower levels than usual last night. I could write a post about how much I think the Pro Bowl sucks and shouldn’t exist, but I think that’s been beat to hell pretty well today. There is a need to address the pants that some of the NFL’s finest [who felt like going to Hawaii] were wearing. What’s next? Stirrups?

But as you can tell by the title, this isn’t a post about fake football. It’s a post about fake bloodsport. Yes, there is a similarity between the two. Most stop caring about both in roughly the fifth grade.

Last night was the Royal Rumble, and while it is getting some mixed reviews around the Internet today, I thought it was pretty awesome. Here’s why:

Edge defeated Dolph Ziggler to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

Title matches usually aren’t given too much of an emphasis at the Royal Rumble due to the fact that the event’s namesake match does the heavy lifting in selling the show.  However, this match served as the opener and offered the best action of the night.

I almost wanted to see Ziggler win this match simply because I really enjoy this feud and would like to see it continue until Wrestlemania. However, I’m a little biased in that area as I am going to Wrestlemania this year. Edge’s win combined with the result of the Royal Rumble match makes it look like this feud is over which is too bad.

But plenty good came out of it. The Kelly Kelly interference was out of the ordinary as it wasn’t anything that had a set-up to it, and Edge’s use of Christian’s finisher to end the match will bring speculation that a Christian return is coming sooner than later, possibly as a feud for Edge if he loses the title at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view.

Also, people can pan the lack of originality in Vickie Guerrero’s banning of the Spear all they want to, but it made the crowd ridiculously hot for that move last night. And that’s something that the WWE failed to do with Edge’s signature maneuver going into Wrestlemania 26.

Gratuitous Kelly Kelly

The Miz defeated Randy Orton to retain the WWE Championship

The question going into this match was whether or not the WWE trusted the most successful “Real World” cast member of all time to carry its most prized belt into the most important stretch of the pro wrestling year, the “Road to Wrestlemania.”

They do.

By beating Orton, Miz seemingly ends a feud that has gone on for a couple of months and moves on to a program with John Cena based on his actions in the Rumble. Once again, The Miz beat Orton in an unclean finish when members of the new Nexus invaded and essentially handed him the victory.

For those complaining about Miz never winning clean, get over it. Miz is never going to win clean. His gimmick is that he’s a weak champion and there’s nothing wrong with it. I’ve read people saying that all WWE is doing is making it look like the title should be on someone else. And that’s the truth.

It makes me think back to when I was a little kid, and I hated Ric Flair because he always “won” matches in the most ridiculous fashions. As a young viewer, it frustrated the hell out of you and made you beg your mom to buy the next pay-per-view so you could see someone, anyone beat him. That’s called good business.

The most pleasant accident in WWE right now is this underlying feud between Cena and Miz that has gone on for almost two years. What began as the squash of a comical figure has turned into a legitimate possibility to headline April 3 at the Georgia Dome and that is a huge tribute to how far The Miz has come in that time.

Eve defeated Natalya and LayCool to win the Divas Championship

Uh, cool moonsault?

Not too much to talk about on this one as it did little more than serve as a buffer between the two larger title matches and the Rumble. Something tells me Eve won’t exactly have a very lengthy title reign.

Alberto Del Rio won the 40-man Royal Rumble match to earn a title shot at Wrestlemania 27

It speaks to the anticipation of Triple H’s return that his failure to appear at the Rumble trumped the surprises of seeing Booker T and Diesel in a WWE ring again, or the fact that an upstart won a match that’s usually dominated by veterans.

If there was one thing that everyone could agree on going into the Rumble, it was that it would be the night for Triple H’s return. But it didn’t happen because, well, Vince McMahon is brilliant.

We know he’s coming back before Wrestlemania, and we know that his return is something that we’re excited about seeing, which is why Sunday night was all about leaving the fan wanting to see more. They’re going to milk Triple H’s return for as much as they can. They’re going to do the same with Awesome Kong’s WWE debut. They gave us just the slightest taste of Booker T and Diesel that made us want to see them again.

During the most important television time of the year for WWE, it’s genius work.

But aside from the personnel surprises, it is newsworthy that Del Rio won the Rumble if for no other reason than McMahon is usually unenthusiastic about letting fresh faces main event his biggest show. Del Rio will main event Wrestlemania just over seven months after his WWE debut.

Does he deserve it?

His performances leading up to Wrestlemania, and his in-ring work at the big event will answer that question. The former MMA fighter does provide a fresh main event face, a concept that we have seen more and more in the WWE’s recent youth movement.

Del Rio’s victory likely leads to a title match with Edge, a program that both should be able to carry well for the next couple months.

As far as the Rumble match as a whole, it was very enjoyable. It told a number of great stories and was broken up into separate pieces that made the largest Rumble ever easy to digest.

I especially enjoyed the transition from the very serious, Nexus-dominated portion of the match to the brief-but-fun Hornswoggle show. The Hornswoggle portion has caught tons of heat on the Internet today to which I say that the Internet needs to shut up and stop taking entertainment so seriously. John Morrison also took HBK’s trademark “skinning the cat” to a whole new level with this little maneuver:

WWE’s only job is to appeal to the casual fan, and they did so very well last night. The live crowd loved the Rumble and that’s really all that matters.

Tyson Kidd is hopeless anyways. He deserved to get beat up by a leprechaun.

Anyways, good show. Can’t wait for Mania.

-Bryan