The Road to Wrestlemania XXVII: “Monday Night Raw” 3-7-11

Because this is what I do here these days.

You know the drill. Well, at least you should.

In commemoration of ME attending the Super Bowl of fake blood sport on April 3, I will be breaking down the Road to Wrestlemania on a somewhat regular basis. By somewhat regular basis, I mean, uh, whenever I feel like it. Tonight I feel like it which is to say I can’t sleep. So second on our journey is the 3-7-11 (Oh thank Heaven) edition of Raw. The episode was hyped for the return of Stone Cold Steve Austin to WWE television. Let’s do this.

Show opens with The Undertaker’s entrance

First, let me just say that I freaking love the slight tweak that Taker has made to his gimmick since returning. In case you haven’t noticed, he is no longer being dubbed as “The Deadman”. He is now “The Last Outlaw”. He still carries all the trademark appearances of The Deadman, except now he comes out to Johnny Cash and talks and moves like a real person during promos. It’s a combination of Deadman and American Badass, and it’s brilliant.

Anyways, Taker is obviously focusing on Triple H for their match at Mania. Basically, he came out to say that the match will be no holds barred, which is to say that it will be a professional wrestling match. Thanks Taker!

Taker continued to hint that this could be a retirement match by reiterating Triple H’s statement that he “will die” if the streak ends, and that Triple H will “die trying” if Taker wins. If Mania 27 is really Taker or Triple H’s last match, and I get to see it live, I might pee a little.

Randy Orton defeats David Otunga (AKA Mr. Jennifer Hudson)

So three guys (Nexus) beat the hell out of one guy (Randy Orton) for a solid ten minutes. After dragging his lifeless body from backstage to the ring, a member of Nexus (Otunga) manages to lose a match to Orton. IT’S STILL REAL TO ME  DAMMIT!

If you haven’t been paying attention, this is all to fuel the best undercard feud going right now. Orton vs. CM Punk is epic and you should almost certainly agree with me. Punk started the feud because Orton punted him in the head (WWE’s version of Orton killing you) two years ago, costing him to forfeit his world title. So Orton has now managed to punt three members of Nexus, leaving Punk with just one comrade with less than a month until Mania.

Christian defeated Brodus Clay

A returning Christian has become something of the odd man out in his love/hate triangle with Edge and Alberto Del Rio. Christian beats the large Brodus Clay fairly easily, but is then taken out by the man who was supposed to be his opponent, Del Rio. The last two times Del Rio has beat up Edge, there’s been a Christian save. But tonight, no Edge. Something tells me we have a post-Mania feud that Edge/Christian fans have wanted for years.

Sunny is being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame

I dedicate this moment to a young girl who once tried to get a 10-year-old Bryan Holt in trouble for bringing a magazine with Sunny bikini pictures in it to elementary school.

Take that, snitch.

Pretty sure this is the exact pic.

Eve defeated one of the Bella Twins to retain the WWE Divas Championship

GIRL FIGHT! Moving on.

Michael Cole promo leads to chaos (Kyle Rancourt’s head explodes)

So Michael Cole is out to announce who the guest referee will be in his match against Jerry Lawler at Wrestlemania. I feel the need to bring Rancourt into this because his opinion on Cole’s current role is true.

As he wrote earlier from his revolutionary Twitter account to my new and revolutionary Twitter account: @BryanHoltGC I’d rather watch a Vickie Guerrero sex tape than watch the WWE push Michael Cole as a major heel. It’s painfully bad.

Rancourt is right. Cole is over the top and cartoonish, even by pro wrestling standards, in his role as a dorky announcer turned dorky bad guy. He’s terribly douchey to the point where if I was a casual viewer flipping through channels, I’d almost certainly never stop at USA Network and watch.

BUT, the golden rule in pro wrestling is simple: Go with the crowd’s reaction. The live crowd’s have hated Cole for years, so WWE made him a heel. Little kids buy John Cena merchandise like Dickey Eklund buys crack, so WWE keeps Cena face despite the protests of everyone over 13.

While it may seem like it, WWE isn’t really trying to make Cole a top heel. They’re just trying to help create this giant jackass that you are interested in seeing Jerry Lawler knock around for eight minutes as a buffer between two real matches at Wrestlemania. And it now involves Stone Cold as the special referee with his never-ending supply of Keystone Light.

I’m pretty sure Stone Cold can make anything good. Maybe even a Vickie Guerrero sex tape.

I love that WWE is making nostalgia such a big part of this Mania. Is it a sign that the current roster can’t carry the biggest pay-per-view of the year? Probably. But it’s going to make me feel like I’m in fourth grade again, so I don’t really care.

Daniel Bryan defeated Sheamus

Poor Bryan and Sheamus. They were forced to be the first men out of the curtain after Stone Cold Steve Austin: A - Returned to Raw for the first time in a year. B – Hit the Stunner on JBL (who was making his first WWE appearance in two years) twice. C – Poured beer all over Michael Cole. D – Drank/spilled enough Keystone Light to drown the Carolina Cup.

On the bright side for Sheamus, he got a chance after losing to talk about his losing streak. He challenged Bryan to a U.S. title match next week, and promised that he will quit if he loses. Strange wrestling fact: losing is kind of good for your character if you’re given a chance to talk about it. Silent losses mean you’re about to get fired.

CM Punk beat R-Truth

Good. Somebody keep that skipping, rapping idiot off of the Wrestlemania card, please.

Thank you, Mr. Punk.

SNOOKI IS GOING TO BE ON RAW NEXT WEEK!!!

My level of excitement for this is both unhealthy and pathetic.

Dolph Ziggler defeated John Morrison

Vickie Guerrero is now banned from Smackdown and Raw. From the looks of things, an unlikely Money in the Bank ladder match is the only chance that either of these two superstars make a meaningful match on the Mania card. This is a shame.

John Cena’s response

Really, where do I start?

I can usually tolerate Cena because I understand that I’m not who his character is aimed at. But wow, this promo was worse than awful. It was memorably bad. It left me only hoping that whoever wrote the crap wasn’t being serious. It really felt like WWE was trying to make everyone hate Cena for at least one night.

He was almost constantly the only person chuckling at his own jokes. His lines were met with both boos and, even worse, silence. He is supposed to be on stage as part of one of the biggest feuds going in wrestling today, and yet he made the worst promo I’ve ever seen him make.

Everything about it was bad, from the cheerful opening to the almost comical insinuation that he is “2-0″ in verbal jabs at The Rock. Yes, they have yet to go face-to-face on television, but if that is what Cena seriously thinks he can use against the greatest promo of all time, then the eventual face-off will be an absolute embarrassment.

The idea of Cena even trying to go against Rock in a babyface-babyface feud is dangerous for business in the WWE. Unless they’re trying to make Cena a heelish parody of himself, they’re only making matters worse.

The Miz attacks Cena and cuts a promo

This was excellent and would have been more excellent had the crowd actually gone against him. The problem is that they had just heard the worst promo in years and were actually kind of happy to see Miz take out Cena.

But everything was spot-on by Miz. He needs to express the frustration caused by Rock/Cena dominating HIS title match. He needs to insert himself heavily into that feud. He did both seamlessly to close out Raw.

The line of the night was Miz telling Rock through the camera that he was going to “take your eyebrow,  your 45 catchphrases, your father, your grandfather, roll them up into a little ball and shove them straight up” …  Well, you know the rest. The People’s Elbow was sick, too.

Here’s what the tentative card for Wrestlemania XXVII is shaping up to look like after this week’s Raw:

WWE Champion The Miz vs. John Cena for the WWE Title

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Title

The Undertaker vs. Triple H in a no holds barred match (possibly for retirement)

C.M. Punk vs. Randy Orton

Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole (with Jack Swagger) with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the guest referee

-Bryan