Why I’m Right (But Could Be Wrong) About The Miami Hurricanes

Let me give you a hint: it has to do with this guy.

It should’ve by now been made exceedingly clear to anyone who’s read more than a sentence of any of my last 250 posts that I am right approximately… let’s see… all the time.

I get this quality from my father and grandmother, neither of whom have ever been wrong. And I share my correctness with you on a daily basis. So far I’d say this arrangement has worked out pretty well for both of us. I get a boost to my ego; you get to pass off my knowledge as your own at the water cooler, or whatever it is people with paying jobs converse around.

However, I’m also – to the detriment of A) my wallet and B) the ladies I’ve flaked out on – a relatively impulsive, write-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, shoot-first-blame-Randy-later kinda guy. I have two blogs. I like to argue. It comes with the territory.

Backpedaling, naturally, is not part of my makeup. Then again (and here’s where I start backpedaling), it’s not often – ever, really – I come across an account of such monumentally baffling ineptitude that Napoleon’s winter in Russia stands a model of impeccable planning and execution by comparison.

On Sunday, I came across such an account.

Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of the Golden Hurricanes v. Shannon Hurricanes synopsis published in the Miami Herald. And for the record, I’m not making any of this up.

Under Golden, players eat breakfast with assistant coaches. Under Shannon, players did not sit with coaches… because they did not eat breakfast.

Under Shannon, players dogged it in the weight room. Under Golden, they flip tires till they puke. Then they flip tires some more.

Under Golden, players sit in the front row in class, wear hats at the risk of punishment, and always shows up five minutes early. Under Shannon, showing up late banished you to the old women’s basketball locker. Or the laundry room. One or the other.

Suffice it to say the article in question provoked by far this weekend’s biggest double-take. And, yes, I saw Christina Aguilera.

We’re now two months into the Golden Era (Copyright: SC, Everyone 2011) and it’s still hard to process the last five nepotism-driven years of systematic incompetence. Shannon, according to those who’d know (the players), played favorites, clammed-up in tense situations (i.e. games), and never acted toward his team anything other than a stern, cold father figure who hid his genuine love behind a walled-off facade of crossed arms and bulging cranial veins.

Failure, thy name is bad body language

I write this not as a stake for the heart of a dead horse, but instead a recalculation of the opportunity ahead. If Shannon was indeed as bad as we suspect and Golden is the J.J.-like fire-starter ready to take on all comers, maybe The U’s future is a little brighter than the picture of weeping and gnashing of teeth I had originally painted.

Maybe The U… can be The U.

Golden, of course, is only as good as his record. He has not coached a game, so we have only a was-what-it-was recruiting class and mildly-exaggerated accounts of his tenacious foresight by which to judge.

But damn, what a start.

Apparently he showed up to his interview with a several hundred page how-to on dynasty reclamation (True story). Apparently he approaches house visits with the etiquette of a roving vagabond: taking all he can, responding only to forceable removal.

He sends encouraging emails to his team. He smiles. He dresses well. He busts balls. He Jedi mind-tricked himself into thinking Miami actually has the best brand in the country. And if you’re a player, good luck trying to make it through a day of school without a mid-morning checkup from your position coach.

So, yeah, maybe there’s room for growth. Maybe there’s a lot of room for growth.

Once upon a time, not too long ago, future All-Pro Andre Johnson ran many a go route half-blind because nobody in charge realized he needed contacts. Dre was a stud regardless.

Ten years on, The U does not have the luxury of underutilizing talent. We will not – and cannot hope to – trap lightning in a bottle again. In a post-Dre/Reed/Taylor/Vilma/Vince/Dorsey/Portis world, we are only as good as the least of our coaches. And you know what? For the first time since those guys graduated, this strikes me as – I dare say – a winning proposition.

The circumstances haven’t change, but the mentality certainly has. And since we’re all hoping to hell that Golden’s precursor is in fact James Willie Johnson, I leave you with a little nugget of advice from the balls-out Texan sage himself.

When your opponent’s drowning – when he’s down and gasping for air – jam a hose down his throat and turn it on full blast.

Let’s do this.

- Robbie

With Golden, Miami Settles For Bronze

Looking the part

When I think of the new Miami Hurricanes head coaching hire, I think first of Temple and the 65-zilch thrashings that got that program expelled from the middling Big East Conference back in the day. This has nothing to do with current realities, but it is – if only due to childhood nostalgia – what I think of first.

I’m then reminded of the 1963 Jimmy Soul pop hit “If You Want To Be Happy” with the iconic lyrics: “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.”

The University of Miami embraced said maxim, as it’s done since the turn of the century, by hiring a man that was cheap (about $2 million per), easy, and sensical – ex-Owl Al Golden turned around a flailing program and, perhaps more importantly in the eyes of the “U” administration, did so with a healthy Academic Progress Rating.

If the high-profile rumored candidates were the buxom ladies you hang on your arm at a red carpet, Golden is the broad-shouldered gal who has dinner on the table on time and with a 6-pack of Bud on hand so you can drink yourself to sleep after a long day of work.

He won’t leave us because this is the best job he’ll ever get (unless Joe Pa dies, in which case he’ll probably get a better job). He’ll console us in defeat with an articulate optimism, a rare solace which the surly Shannon could not provide. He’ll dress nicely all the while…

I want to cry.

Again, this visceral reaction has nothing to do with the actual facts (well, maybe a little – more in a moment), but more with the idea the once mighty Hurricanes had to settle for a man whose most intriguing quality is his phonically arresting surname.

Gotta admit, “Golden” has a ring to it. It is, in short, a headline writer’s wet dream.

Miami Ushers in Golden Era

‘Canes Golden in Route of FAMU

Bronze Trophy in Hand, Harris Has Golden To Thank

With Golden, Miami Settles for Bronze

If I was a Gators fan, I would be weary that my head football coach has no head coaching experience. If I was a ‘Canes fan, I’d be be weary that my head football coach got his head coaching experience at Temple.

Having discarded a perennially 8-4 type, Miami brought in another 8-4 leader with the assumption that – in a head-to-head match up – South Florida talent will prevail over much better competition by two to three wins per season. In other words, the university presumes Golden, whose biggest career win is a 2010 home victory over a 1-1 Connecticut squad, rectified the Temple program, not because his hiring happened to coincide with a move to the Mid-American Conference (Akron, Buffalo, Directional Michigans), but because he is a really good coach, and more, that Temple post-expulsion was measurably worse than its new crop of opponents (Toledo, Ball State, Directional Michigans).

This is a problematic leap to make. Yes, Golden inherited an 0-11 team. Yes, I’d make better grades if you kicked me out of college and made me repeat middle school.

Golden won 8 games this year. He lost his last two to Midwestern powers Ohio and Miami, the latter a lopsided 23-3 outcome in front of 13,000 people. A Wikipedia passage summarizing Temple’s ’07 season concludes, “The offense also improved from 118th to 113th, but it was clear that Temple’s defense, despite their incredible youth, was the heart of their team.”

He has never won a bowl game. His lone 9-win season began with a loss to FCS rival Villanova. His out-of-conference victories have come, almost without exception, to military academies.

Now “they” – my father, the CanesTime board, Kool-Aid slurpers – say that he’s a “relentless” recruiter. And they would say this, if only to grasp at straws and if only because “actually, he kinda dogs it on the recruiting trail” isn’t a phrase that’s yet entered the Young New Hire lexicon.

Golden’s only 41. Unlike Will Muschamp, he’s at least run something. He’s not Randy Shannon. He’s an enthusiastic talker, studly at a presser, a hard worker, a very sharp dresser.

And he scares the hell out of me.

Coach Golden, welcome to the University of Miami. We have five national titles and consider 8 wins a disaster. We also have an empty stadium and a full fridge of beer. If you could, bring me a Bud. This is gonna be a rough night.

- Robbie

Pitching “The U”

Another reminder.

It pains me to my core to admit the University of Miami is not the program it was a mere decade ago. The school has an eroding fan base, a faded cache, an adopted stadium in East Nowhere and, most problematically, an on-field product not currently capable of correcting any of the articulated problems.

What’s worse, the Miami Hurricanes – “The U” as it were – will never again recreate the unparalleled experience of packing 74,476 intoxicated hooligans into a rumbling mass of modern history on a chilly Saturday night in October.

RIP, Old Lady.

That said, the man who accepts the vacant UM head coaching position, if capable of living up to the precedent of Schnellenberger and Johnson and Davis, stands to cement his name among the all-time greats and maybe land a free meal on South Beach while he’s at it. Here, then, is how I’d pitch the job if I was UM AD Kirby Hocutt:

• When you turn this program around – and there is not a doubt in my mind you will turn this program around – you’ll be a peerless rock star in a town that loves its rock ‘n roll.

• We have the talent on this team to play for a BCS birth next year, and given the competition in our conference, you should expect a perennial spot in the ACC Championship Game.

• We do not settle for conference titles.

• You will not find a more fertile recruiting ground anywhere on the planet. Our kids are big, fast, and grew up watching Ed Reed and Ken Dorsey.

• This media market is tailor-made for buzz. Miami is your mouthpiece.

• We could care less about professional basketball and the Dolphins haven’t won it all in 37 years. This town is yours for the taking.

• We are going to pay you more money than we’ve ever paid anyone because we want to show you that we’ll not settle for anything less than the best.

• Your players will spend their offseason workouts with Santana Moss and Willis McGahee and the greatest linebacker of all-time.

• Florida and FSU are down and still down, respectively.

• You will win us our sixth national title.

• You get to live in Coral Gables, one of the, if not the most, beautiful places in the country.

• Should you have the kind of success we expect from you, you’ll be able to die knowing you were responsible for erecting a 40,000-seat on-campus stadium.

• Above all, you will be a Miami Hurricane – part of an undeniable tradition, an exceptional future, and an incomparable cool.

- Robbie

I am Dre Johnson. And I am the greatest.

I am Andre Johnson
And I am the greatest

I roll out of bed in 4.3 seconds
I am 235 pounds on a bad day

I eat your lunch
I have hands of glue

And in case you missed it
I beat the life out of this fool

I have tape measure pipes
And the right hook of Frazier

I was once confused for Terrell Owens
When I was 20 years old

I made Larry Coker the new Ringo
Ken Dorsey the next Montana

I have speed for days
I have biceps for miles

I am the smoke monster
to your Revis Island

You cannot touch me
You cannot do what I do

I am a Rose Bowl MVP
I am a 2-time All Pro

I am the Big East 100-meter champ
And I am the fastest man on this field

I am a beast
I am a manchild

I go for distance
And I go for speed

I am what you wished for
the first time you ever wished for anything

I’ve got 869 yards in 10 games
I’ve got 869 yards on 1 leg

I know Michael Irvin
I know Robbie Hilson

I am All-America
I am a national champion

I am The U
I am the 305

Got foundations for single moms
But ne’er been single

You can’t see me
Cuz you’re in my dust

You can’t suspend me
Cuz I’m why you tune in

I’m Andre Johnson, foo’
And I am the greatest

UM’s Next Hire: A Matter of Dollars and Sense

On the precipice of rebirth

Needless to say, I’m overjoyed to see the words “search committee” appear in a sentence that doesn’t describe Randy Shannon trying to recover the deceased career of Jacory Harris.

Well… as “overjoyed” as one can be coming offing a 5-defeat season and a typically brutal loss to instate non-rival USF. Playing in front of cavernous orange and 27,000 recipients of free tickets, the Hurricanes – the team people used to call “The U” until realizing their incompetence – came out flat and proceeded to show little interest in competing against their opponent, let alone defeating them. Hell, Saturday was really no different than most weeks until you realize that this was Senior Day, for both players and their 4-year-tenured head coach.

Randy went out like he came in: arms folded, in silence.

Now the University of Miami, led by more-than-capable President Donna Shalala and AD Kirby Hocutt, have a rare and pivotal opportunity to do away with that silence.

The university’s athletic program, as I’ve written before, stands at the crossroads of stagnation and landscape-shifting shakeup, the latter of which could vault the program back into the ranks of the elite in a matter of months should administrators acknowledge said path as a real option.

If this was an act now commercial, the pitch reads something like this:

A proven, big-name coach with a winning track record takes over a talented (though underdeveloped) crop of players capable of competing for a BCS birth next year.

This coach, should the splash prove big enough, positions your program to steal offseason buzz from a fluky champion like Oregon or TCU that cannot possibly sustain 9-months worth of fawning media coverage given their lack of national notoriety. Miami, like Ohio State, Alabama, USC, Florida and Texas, is still a name brand – a tarnished one, but a name brand nonetheless.

And finally, this coach, should he attack the job with the fervor demanded of such a tenuously decisive moment in time, will provide a swift kick in the rear to a till-now lackluster 2011 recruiting class hinging on Rivals 4-star QB Teddy Bridgewater.

These are the stakes. The stakes are high. And while it is true that no one man can singlehandedly spawn a multimillion dollar football hegemon, it is also true that, in the college ranks, the head coach matters far more than any other individual, either on the field or in the front offices. The examples of immediate, 180-degree turns are many, but one need look no further back than the matrimony of Alabama and Nick Saban, a man who, treated like Jesus upon his arrival to Tuscaloosa, wasted little time resurrecting a depleted, 6-7 squad with an incomparably lofty standard of success.

Saban made the Sugar Bowl in year two. He was a champion by year three.

Miami, surely, is in a different, though no less opportune situation. It does not have the resources of a SEC powerhouse or the generous booster base of a program like Oregon. But to throw one’s hands up and argue this matter is besides the point: Miami is a tiny, private colllege that will likely never compete monetarily with the coin-minting enterprises to its north.

Nor has it ever.

Still, to harp on the financial gap is to overlook the one resource that matters most: talent. Of this, South Florida is an embarrassment of riches, capable of powering multiple state rivals on the basis of snubs and leftovers alone.

Are streamlined stadiums and indoor complexes advantageous? Absolutely. But they are not necessities, not the be-all, end-all. Weight rooms and practice bubbles aren’t what make the University of Miami football program what it is today – a proud, though severely wounded, traditional power with five national titles, a history of interrupted dominance, and the most prolific source of NFL manpower on the planet.

It would be negligent, too, to ignore the issue of competition. The ACC is, in short, a punching bag to be exploited in the near-term, manhandled in the long.

So to those who say the Miami job is not the jewel it used to be, you are correct. To those who say this isn’t a great job, you are delusional – discounting the location, the tradition, the alumni and the plentiful recruiting stock.

I conclude with an appeal to reason that perhaps repositions a former point – that of finances. I am no accountant, but it stands to logic that the revenue generated by 40,000 more attendees per home game would more than compensate for a top-tier coaching salary and perhaps even contribute to things Miami has always considered, unfortunately, tangential – like adequate facilities. What’s more, though the university will never secure financial backing with the ease of its elite competitors, it can certainly create an on-field product more worthy of charity than the one that exists today.

A Miami fan for all of my 24 years, I’ve seen how these vacancies usually work themselves out – with an inside hire or a bland safety pick with former ties to the program. Having heard the Steve Spurrier whispers last go-round, I hold my breath with a skeptic’s optimism and a begrudging acceptance that propositions like Jon Gruden are rumored hearsay at best and flat pipedreams at worst. That said, the University of Miami – the once-mighty Hurricanes – cannot afford at this juncture to settle for anything less than the best available option.

We cannot, like at the turn of the century, wait on another revolution. This time, we must make our own.

- Robbie

God bless you, Randy… But get lost

A metaphor.

University of Miami head football coach Randy Shannon gave today what sounds to me like the requiem for his college coaching career. Shannon in fact played defense with the kind of purposeful tenacity that might’ve spared him from this quite untenable position had it ever carried over to the locker room, the field, or any of his woefully underachieving football teams.

Even amid the soft-pitch arc of a dozen or so tepid non-questions – Coach, talk about this; Coach, talk about that – Randy Shannon doggedly played up his pros with a series of canned, occasionally accurate talking points which, when you cut through the BS, said one thing loud and clear: yes, I feel the heat.

What unfolded in Tuesday’s press conference, then, was an exercise in framing that deserves serious consideration for future communications theses. And that Shannon had so obviously mulled these responses and still came off as a complete loser – not as a human being, but certainly as a coach – adds to the mounting pile of evidence suggesting he is not fit to run a soup kitchen let alone a prestigious football program.

Coach, how big an impact have injuries made? “Big, a lot, tremendously. We’ve had some injuries across the board. Most teams that win it are probably going to be injury free.”

Coach, have you ever thought about benching junior Travis Benjamin, given his penchant for mental errors and dropped balls? “No. The one thing you don’t do is get down on a young man.”

Coach, what do you make of this senior class? “We had the fight on the football field, the situation with Bryan Pata, academic things going on, a new stadium we had to go to, a lot of adverse situations people were using in recruiting. I wasn’t the head coach at that point in time… We were 5-7, go to second in the Coastal Division. It’s improvement. Now is that where we need to be at Miami? No. But you have to give them a lot of credit in believing in me… If it wasn’t for those guys we wouldn’t be where we’re at today.”

“Where we’re at today” may be aptly characterized as a fork in the road, the paths of which will dictate the near and long-term trajectory of a program that used to be a short time ago among the very best in all of sports. Since the unparalleled deluge of NFL talent filtered out of Coral Gables circa 2004, the Miami Hurricanes have waffled between frustrating mediocrity and complete incompetence with two incapable and overmatched coordinators at the helm.

Shannon’s tenure, though promising in fits and spurts, has been mostly marked by exceptionally inconsistent play, an inability to win big games (or in some cases, even compete), and perhaps most disappointingly, a career-altering failure to develop highly recruited talent.

Lost.

Shannon deserves credit for the battles he’s won on the first week in February, but unfortunately for “The U”, a top-5 class is only as good as the wins it accounts for. Shannon’s touted prospects more times than not waste their eligibility in a dreaded holding pattern of physical and mental stagnation in which the significance of dropped passes and false starts defers to that of seniority, the emphasis on game film and weight training to study halls.

To this latter point, Shannon has done a truly remarkable job at cleaning up a program in danger of relapsing into old ways. There have been no on-field brawls, no off-field murders, nary an arrest. His players graduate, and in a time when the university on the whole has vaulted up the academic rankings, Shannon is at least partially responsible for the improvement. His emphasis on grades proves a refreshing creed, especially when weighed against the hijinks of his upstate rivals.

None of this should obscure his central commission as a head coach: to win football games. At this, Shannon is not good, his near-.500 record not befitting of Miami’s rich tradition.

The options then are these: accept that this experiment has failed and bring in a proven coach with a winning track record – try to right this sinking ship and reclaim a rightful spot among the elite… Or continue to wallow in the ordinary.

I choose the former.

- Robbie
__________
Note: all quotes from the Miami Herald and Rivals.com.

Randy Shannon Talks QB Controversy and This and That

Avoider of conflict Randy Shannon

All quotes via The Miami Herald

Things are starting to look up for the Miami Hurricanes. A week after losing starting quarterback Jacory Harris to a serious concussion at Virginia, Miami rebounded with a 26-20, last-second home victory to perennial conference power [in basketball] Maryland, and is now riding high on a 1-game winning streak going into this weekend’s road test against Georgia Tech.

The unlikely star of Saturday’s comeback was true freshman quarterback Stephen Morris, who showcased superior arm strength and an unshakeable demeanor with his 35-yard, game-winning touchdown pass to Leonard Hankerson with 37 seconds left. Morris, in his first career start, finished with 286 yards, a touchdown and two interceptions on 18 of 30 passing.

The promising newcomer left the field to teammate chants of “Our quarterback” and the next morning appeared on the front page of the Miami Herald under the headline, “A NEW HERO.”

“I’d seen him on scout team every day so I already knew what kind of character he had, what kind of quarterback he was,” said senior defensive end Allen Bailey. “He made those throws all week in practice. He’s composed. He’s calm under pressure.”

Head coach Randy Shannon echoed Bailey’s sentiments, saying, “Don’t tell him he’s impressive. He had a good performance, not impressive.”

Capitalizing on this unexpected wave of momentum, Shannon was quick to reassure fans that Harris, a junior, will get his starting job back as soon as he is healthy enough to play.

“You don’t lose your job because of one game,” Shannon said, allaying fears that Harris isn’t good.

It is still unclear, though, if Harris – who’s thrown for 14 touchdowns [and 11 INT on 53% completions] – will be ready for Georgia Tech.

“I will not know until the medical staff tells me,” Shannon said. “Until the medical staff clears him, Jacory will be out.”

“If the medical staff never clears him, Jacory will not play,” he added for clarification.

It is apparent for now that there is no quarterback controversy, and in fact, the matter was not broached by any of the nettlesome reporters who typically prevent Shannon from doing his job by asking question.

Still, when not asked by anybody where Morris stands in relation to Harris, Shannon said, “Stop trying to start a quarterback controversy, and this and that, because you guys will.”

When pressed to comment on the 18-year-old’s performance, Shannon said that Morris is “a good person,” but did imply that good people necessarily make good starting quarterbacks.

“Like I said, stop trying to start a quarterback controversy, and this and that, because you guys will,” Shannon reiterated.

The Hurricanes are already bowl eligible at 6-3 and only two games out of the ACC Coastal Division lead. In recognition of his team’s play, coach Shannon has been named one of the 15 semifinalists for the inaugural Joseph V. Paterno Coach of the Year Award.

The award will be presented Dec. 18, possibly conflicting with Miami’s bowl game.

- Robbie

“Pain”

Down. And out.

A post about the University of Miami football program.

Remember that part in “The Perfect Storm” when Diane Lane and George Clooney share one last moment on the dock before the former sends her husband off to sea for the final time?

You knew then how it would all turn out: in tragedy, misery, suffering, helplessness and despair.

I think I’ve hit just about every emotion conveyed (or outright name-checked) in Monday’s dueling Core Team email threads – the ones inundating my inbox in the immediate wake of Miami’s way-worse-than-the-scoreboard loss to the impotent UVA Cavaliers on Saturday.

One subject header reads, simply, “Pain,” the other “All Is Not Lost,” in an optimistic, though futile, attempt to correlate a potential 6-loss season with the hiring of either TCU’s Gary Patterson or Stanford’s Jim Harbaugh.

I don’t see why either of these coaches would take lesser jobs at the Program Formerly Known as The U – unless they want to head an inferior team for inferior pay – but speculating on a new hire at this point is a lot like talking cheeseburger and milkshake when your hopelessly wasting away on an undetected desert island.

So going back to my original metaphor, I knew this program was headed for shipwreck when Bret Bielema’s lumbering Big 10 middleweight beat the hell out of us in last year’s Name That Bowl Game and I knew it, too, the moment Randy Shannon lapsed into catatonic trance at the prospect of end-of-game clock management in the PineNutsDotCom Bowl the year before.

The analogy is exactly the same – from the sick feeling in my [Lane's] gut, to the hardheaded hubris of the people steering the ship, right down to the fact that neither George Clooney nor Randy Shannon can coach a football team.

The obligatory "Randy looking confused" picture

The Hurricanes are now 5-3 on the year with four of these wins coming to teams with a combined .500 record (16-16) and the other coming to a Subdivision opponent known primarily for their marching band. The three losses, similarly, have been ones of the worst sort – lopsided and humiliating. And as bad as the multiple-touchdown ass-kickings to Ohio St. and FSU, Saturday’s no-longer-historic meltdown was, to this civilian casualty, the worst of all.

Nevermind that Virginia is one of the most feeble teams in the FBS (wins against Richmond, VMI, Eastern Michigan… and Miami) or that the program hasn’t been particularly relevant at anything since the first Reagan term. I’m more upset, per usual, by how we lost: undercut by Pop Warner-caliber tackling, embarrassed at both lines of scrimmage, unable to stop a 3rd-and-1, and penalized multiple times by our undisciplined fatf*cks up front.

Experts say games are one and lost in the trenches. I believe them.

Now Jacory’s hurt – out with a concussion after a run-in with a San Quentin prison break (I mean, the UVA pass rush). And to you who say that his injury should buy Shannon another year to prove himself, I counter that building your team around a 6’4″, 165-pound QB is no different than erecting a fortress from plywood. In no way is it surprising that J-12 finally gave out – Saturday was an end to prolonging the inevitable. What is surprising is that we have a guy on our team who’s even worse!

That Spencer Whipple rose to No. 2 on the depth chart is nepotism at its finest. I was sure I’d never see a more pitiful display under center than future tight end Buck Ortega’s infamous three-play shot at glory some six years ago.

I was wrong.

I thought about attempting to organize some kind of unofficial Shannon/Whipple/Shalala boycott. I really did. I also thought about putting in my formal resignation to the Core Team. Something plain and short. Something to the effect of “I don’t have time for this bullshit.” And as far as that group is concerned, I wouldn’t be the first.

I’m still waiting patiently on my father’s protest letter to President Shalala, but at this point I find it hard to believe that he could still care so much. I, for one, really don’t have the will or energy to do anything other than hop on a few message boards, bang out a deflated rant and prep my facade of interest for the next impending debacle.

Back in February after a typically cynical discussion with my father, I wrote a post entitled Mediocrity: It’s a ‘Cane Thing. Since then, things have deteriorated immeasurably.

This is miserable.

Shannon is a sobering 23-20 against FBS competition since replacing secret-genius-in-comparison Larry Coker in 2007, which is startling in itself, but even more so considering the school hasn’t dealt with any issues that normally derail major programs. No NCAA sanctions. No recruiting violations or cheating scandals. We’re not USC or SMU. We’re just a one-time worldbeater that somehow found a way to turn a Whole Foods worth of produce into a tasty shit sandwich.

We’ve shot ourselves in the foot. And now it seems we’re content to let the body bleed out.

- Robbie

UM’s Randy Shannon talks Consistency, Groins

Pretzel Logic

A day after a 45-17 home loss to 23rd-ranked arch rival FSU on Saturday night, University of Miami head football coach Randy Shannon spoke to reporters about the game and his team’s prospects going forward. Said Shannon of the nationally televised undressing, “We have some things we can really, really build on.”

Though suddenly-disgruntled fans are calling for his ouster, it is highly unlikely Shannon will lose his job this year – or ever – given his 4-year, $4.8 million extension in May and UM President Donna Shalala’s notoriously stingy ways. With the in-conference loss to FSU, the Hurricanes fell to 3-2 (1-1 in the ACC) and dropped out of both polls for the first time this year. Miami is now 21-19 against BCS teams under their current coach, but a perfect 3-0 against Bowl Subdivision teams.

In addition, the ‘Canes sold out Sun Life Stadium for the first time Saturday, yet it is uncertain if they will duplicate attendance for their Oct. 23 game against North Carolina.

A crowd between 75,000 and 22,000 is expected.

The following are Shannon’s word-for-word responses during Sunday morning’s press conference with reporters from Rivals.com and the Miami Herald:

Coach, how would you evaluate last night’s effort?

We didn’t do very well on both sides of the football. We had some running plays, but we weren’t consistent. I have to be more consistent, more demanding.

What does this loss mean for your team?

That’s one loss in the ACC.

Can you give us an update on [injured starting quarterback] Jacory [Harris]?

A groin is a groin.

There were over 200 state recruits on the sidelines last night. How’s this going to affect recruiting?

It’s overstated. Everyone’s going to get their players.

So you’re saying a blowout loss to your biggest rival has no effect on recruiting?

Florida State will get their players and we’ll get ours. It doesn’t change.

This is the first time in three plus seasons you’ve ever blamed yourself for a loss…

Offensively, we were able to run against Clemson. Why weren’t we able to run against Florida State? Is it the run plays, pass plays, the personnel, what is it? We have to find out what it is and fix it, get better off it. That’s why it’s on me.

Do you foresee major changes coming?

No. You can’t cut them or trade them, get anybody off the waiver wire… We have a good football team.

What’s the biggest problem with mental preparation?

The consistency, where is it? The same play, same defense, we get a tackle for a loss. Then suddenly the same play, same defense, they get a running play. The consistency, we have to demand more out of them and I have to demand it out of the coaches to get it out of the players.

The team seems to repeat the same simple mistakes…

That’s the consistency part of it. We’ll get it fixed.

But these are recurring issues. This is the second time in a month your team hasn’t been competitive…

Like I said the last time we lost a game, we’ll be a lot better. And we will. The greatest thing about it is ACC play now. You get in a rhythm of doing certain things now.

Was the team mentally prepared to play yesterday?

I thought they were.

You have to be shocked by the performance.

You want to win. But we still have some things we can get done. If we do what we have to do and take care of the opportunities we’re going to have the next couple of weeks, we’ll put ourselves in the right situation.

Jacory was 19 of 47 for 225 yards and an interception…

I thought he managed well for what he had to get done.

But the offense was in a lull all night.

When that happens, always bad things happen.

Do you think the media backlash from Jacory’s poor play of late has taken a toll on him?

I don’t think it’s taken a toll on him. It’s a Jacory lovefest right now.

[Linebacker Colin] McCarthy is a fifth-year senior. That personal foul was a killer.

You expect a lot out of everybody on the team, seniors to be able to control themselves and things like that.

How do you deal with fan complaints?

I don’t hear any of it.

Do you want the rallying cry to be facing FSU again in the ACC title game?

No.

You had a lot of dropped passes. Is there any one thing that’s a problem catching balls?

They are what they are.

[Saturday's opponent] Duke hasn’t had a winning season in 15 years. Your thoughts?

It’s a tough place to play. You have a 150-yard walk to get to the field, the fans. You know how the stadium is going to be. It’s one of those places that can lull you to sleep just because of the atmosphere. Every year I’ve been up there we’ve had tough times at Duke.

- Robbie

Too Bad It’s Only Halftime: Another Demoralized ‘Canes Post

Jacory Harris.

Sponge Bob.

I’m not writing this as an elaborate reverse jinx or because I’ve tweeted one-too-many obscenities to our PG-rated Twitter following.

I’m writing this because my football team f*cking sucks.

I predicted 38-17 UM to my father two hours ago, not because I really believed it, but because I was riding the good vibes of the Alabama loss and of SC hero Steve Spurrier, and because, more than anything, I was just excited to still be relevant – have a theoretical title shot – in the early days of October.

I know. Sad.

What’s sadder? Here’s my father’s response: “I told the guys you must’ve started drinking.”

Well now I’m drinking. Or I feel like it anyway. FSU’s kicking our ass at halftime, dominating every phase of the game, and per usual, out-coaching the dynamic duo of Randy “Adjustments” Shannon and Mark “Running Game?” Whipple.

Here are the random notes I jotted down after 8:30:

• Herbie on Jacory Harris: “He’s got all the ability in the world, but he’s his own worst enemy.” Well, Kirk, you’re half right at least.

• Robb Hilson’s thoughts before former Groza candidate Matt Bosher shanked a 32-yard field goal attempt with no score: “Got a lot of concerns. This guy’s not one of them.”

• Yes, the Artist Formerly Known as Joe Robbie is sold out. And, yes, all I can hear is the 20,000 or so ‘Noles fans and their massive marching band.

• Leonard Hankerson made a Randy Moss-like, one-handed catch over the middle in the first quarter (when this game was still in question). Check that, Moss doesn’t go over the middle. Point is, Hankerson is one of the exceedingly rare examples of a player who’s actually progressed under Shannon’s tutelage. I’m sure he wants to leave early. Yeah, he’s a senior, but I mean fourth quarter.

• Freshman right tackle Seantrel Henderson’s looked like a 330-pound construction cone all night. He can’t match the speed of FSU’s d-ends on passing plays.

• Shannon has no answer for Jimbo Fisher’s downfield blocking scheme. And, in general, both FSU front sevens are beating the hell out of our supposedly superior talent. Brent, safety Vaughn Telemaque is making so many tackles… because he’s the only guy left to make them.

• Dear Sean Spence, I admire your enthusiasm and your moves. But the time for dancing is Thursday night at the ATL, not down by two touchdowns in the second quarter.

• When I started writing, it was 24-7. Now it’s 31-7. I’ve been writing for 10 minutes, 7 of which were halftime.

• I don’t know what to call this. “Embarrassing” isn’t strong enough.

• Jacory’s grabbing his groin not because of lingering injuries, but because – like me and others who still care about this team – he’s just been kicked in the nuts.

- Robbie

Update: Hankerson’s having one of the worst games of his career.