What the Madden Cover tells us about class in America

Peyton Hillis, Madden 2012 Cover Boy

I hesitate to make any great leaps or assumptions of cause and effect when the fact that a white cult hero playing in the depressed, blue-collar heart of middle America made the cover of the most popular sports game in the country suggests tepid correlations at most. But it is interesting that, in the final throes of a nasty lockout pitting the haves and the have-mores, such a bewildering figure dons Madden 12 by way of fan vote and, in the process, becomes one of three Caucasian athletes ever to do so (Favre, Brees in case you’re wondering).

Madden, the multi-platform gaming lifestyle that consumed roughly three quarters of my entire middle school existence, exists a window into the NFL fan psyche. Like the league itself, the game is inseparable from the economic realities of those who participate. Madden 12 retails for about $60. You need a high-end gaming platform to use it, and more, you need plenty of discretionary time. Kids working 50-hour weeks at McDonald’s do not make up EA Sports’ core market. Sorry, but if you make $8 an hour, you’re not “in the game.”

Similarly, the NFL, as it’s grown in stature from One of Big Four to de facto weekend pastime, has become a more expensive entertainment endeavor, not just for those who attend, but as a multimedia experience. With blackouts on the rise, the pay-per-view nature of out of market games and the slow migration to exclusive cable networks (namely, NFL TV), just watching your favorite team on a weekly basis usually entails some kind of out-of-pocket expense. At the same time, very heated, very public labor talks between players and owners have threatened to temporarily sideline the whole shebang in lieu of bigger money, more profits.

So what does Peyton Hillis — Madden Cover Boy 2012 — have to do with any of this? Maybe nothing. But to give some incoherent pontificating a little direction, it does say something that Hillis, a 25-year-old white bruiser playing in Cleveland, beat out Michael Vick of all people in a fan voting tournament in the midst of grossly off-putting, grossly lucrative labor negotiations.

The voting element here is key, because if EA Sports decides to put Hillis on the cover, I draw an entirely different conclusion: company puts popular white guy on cover to appeal to middle-class fan base alienated by cutthroat money-mongering of multimillionaires. Simple. Now we have to contend with the notion that this same middle-class fan base made this choice for themselves.

I know what you’re asking: Is the Madden vote a microcosm of America’s sociopolitical undercurrents? Hold that thought.

Again, I admit that I could be turning an anthill into Everest. But Hillis as cover boy strikes the same chord — though nowhere near as resonantly — as John Lennon-as-working class hero or Sarah Palin-as-lowest common denominator of political angst. So I’m willing to go this far: Hillis is the “Tea Party” Madden candidate, and his main challenger, Vick, speaks to a similarly disgruntled faction of a different demographic (think of him, in political terminology, as a more divisive 2008 Barack Obama).

Hillis was a statement vote. Really. He was: a symbol of growing middle class frustration at becoming the new lower middle class. He is a product of tempered social upheaval in the vein of Springsteen and Rocky and Michele Bachmann and all the other white cult heroes of economically challenged yore. He is, in short, America in a helmet.

Or maybe he’s just a great running back.

Protected: Let’s try to salvage this day, shall we?

Friday, In Which I Write About The ATLANTA F***ING BRAVES

Hotlanta.

Call me a fair weather fan or call me a harder worker than you. But just know that my Atlanta Braves, who have tried, and wildly succeeded, in dragging this jaded baseball vet back into the dog days of summer are probably kicking your team’s ass as we speak.

The Braves have the best record in baseball since the beginning of June. They’ve rattled off 14 of 17. And as far as I know, haven’t had any fans die diving off the mezzanine.

If you thought I hadn’t noticed or didn’t care, you’re only partially correct. I didn’t care until now, because let’s be real, the first half of a baseball season is like the first 63 holes of the Masters (according to Jim Nantz)… it doesn’t mattter.

But now we’ve hit the All-Star game, that 5th-grade touchstone of ‘oh sh*t, summer’s almost over,’ and, dammit, I’m primed for three – and God willing, four – months of unabated gloating.

Here are some random notes from the ATL:

A July 6 headline from Cbssportsline.com reads: “Uggla starting to pick up production.” I found this funny… since Uggla’s hitting .183. Hey, but when you can trade an All-Star middle infielder in the prime of his career for a 31-year-old boom or bust slugger with bricks for hands AND pick up $9 million in salary, gotta do it.

Tim Hudson, 8-6/3.57 ERA/113 IP, owns a .690 winning percentage post-All-Star break. Having not watched a game he’s pitched all year, I expect great things from him the rest of the way. Mainly because I love his facial hair.

Do yourself a favor and Google “Craig Kimbrel Scouting Report.” Actually, I did it for you. Just click on the link.

Freddie Freeman, the 21-year-old ‘next Jason Heyward’ before Jason Heyward started sucking, deserves props both for his impressive ROY-push (sorry, Freebird, it’s going to Kimbrel) and, more impressively, his unprecedented whiteness in the face of a black man’s name. Kudos, dawg.

Eight guys in the last 25 years have rolled into the All-Star break with 12 wins and a sub-2.00 ERA. Jair Jurrjens is one of them. I don’t know how he manages to dominate as a power pitcher without actually striking anybody out (65 K in 110 IP), but that he’s become one of the best pitchers in the league without an out-pitch speaks to this kid’s ceiling. By the way, we got him for Edgar Renteria. Suck it, Tigers.

And finally, I get a great kick out of ESPN turning Chipper Jones’ routine fielding plays into ‘highlights’. It’s as if he’s become so decrepit, Baseball Tonight treats his very existence at the hot corner as a triumph of the human spirit on par with scaling Everest or running the Boston Marathon tied to Heather Mills. You know how you spoon feed an infant, give it a little coochie-coo and proceed to baby-talk “Good job! Yay! Look who’s a big boy!” like that little mess of flesh just pinned Rulon Gardner in the 2000 Summer Games?

That baby is Chipper Jones. Go Braves. Happy weekend.

Tagging conspiracy comes to light as website confirmed missing

A day after South Florida authorities filed a missing website report for 18-month-old culture blog SportsCasualties.com, sources have confirmed that the internet establishment had been using performance enhancing tags to increase search traffic in the months leading up to its disappearance.

The site had frequently tagged posts with “Hot hipster babes” and “Anchor ladies” without mentioning the terms at any point in the body copy. Articles published during the NBA Finals included tags for “Miami-Dallas live stream” and “Watch NBA Finals live.”

On Wednesday, private investigators for high-rise detective agency One Miami commenced searching for the missing site, though it is widely suspected that the blog has either been permanently taken down or discontinued.

In a perhaps unexpected turn, a dropbox registered to blog founder Robert Hilson at the luxury condominiums on 335 S. Biscayne Blvd in Miami received a bill for webhosting through July 2012 in the amount of $109.

The domain “Sportscasualties.com” was also renewed despite its unknown whereabouts.

Rodrigo Hotsauce, a PI for One Miami, said Thursday morning that a forensic scanning of Hilson’s personal computer at the offices of the Accompaniment of Sassified E-Harmony Spaniards on Brickell Ave. revealed evidence of misleading tagging.

When asked from a Gainesville IP address via Google’s G-Mail Chat if he tagged a recent post with “Casey Anthony Murder Trial,” Hilson allegedly responded, “Yes. And I’d do it again.”

After switching to a hosted WordPress server in the summer of 2010, Sports Casualties generated startling month-over-month traffic increases until April 2011, when the site peaked at about 54,000 monthly hits. As content dwindled, so did unique visitors. The site has averaged roughly 1,000 hits a day since April.

In the last 12 months, most responsive search engine terms included “Brooklyn Decker,” “Best Smashing Pumpkins Songs,” and “Erin Burnett bikini,” among others.

“Hot hipster babes” has generated fewer than 25 total hits.

Hilson has avoided media comment since reports broke of his website’s disappearance, but is expected to be detained by police in the coming days. On Thursday, Sports Casualties custodians removed “Casey Anthony Murder Trial” from all posts.

Report: 18-month-old website missing

Website Sports Casualties at 2 months.

Stay tuned to ******casualties.com for continuing coverage. 

In what some are calling an eerily coincidental turn of events, authorities have filed a missing website report for Florida blog SportsCasualties.com, which turned 18 months old on Monday.

Investigators were unwilling to comment at the time this publication went to press, but South Florida private investigation service One Miami is expected to begin searching for the site on Wednesday.

Robert Hilson, the blog’s co-founder and sole author after the mysterious March disappearance of founder Bryan Holt, was last seen at a computer at 7:15 Tuesday night on the second floor of 444 Brickell Ave. in Miami. Sources confirm that he was not with SportsCasualties.com.

The site, a long-time fixture of the ‘new’ sports blogosphere, had in recent months turned into something of a clearinghouse for flighty pop culture analysis and personal diary entries.

Seattle blogger Kyle Rancourt of Kylerancourt.com says he suspected neglect.

“I figure, man, I never blog anymore. It’s kind of pathetic, really. At least Hilson isn’t churning out three posts per day like he used to. That makes me feel slightly better,” he stated in a post published June 30.

No abductor suspects have yet been identified, but media speculation points to the 24-year-old Hilson, who on May 9 was kidnapped by the Accompaniment of Sassified E-Harmony Spaniards and had since turned over custody of Sports Casualties to casual commenters.

Readers of the missing site suggested that the once vibrant log had displayed signs of depression since May, perhaps do to sporadic traffic and an overall lack of attention.

Hilson wrote as early as last August and again in early May that readers should not expect the consistent output of the blog’s formative year. He complained several times in the last two months about not being able to take care of the site on his own.

“Been rough around these parts lately,” he blogged on June 9, “rougher than ball chaffage on the 12th hole.”

Holt, the blog’s estranged parent, was not available for comment, but recently posted “I love my country. I love my guns.” in a cryptic Facebook status on Monday.

DANCE OFF PANTS OFF! HAPPY FOURTH!

cuz we all know THAT guy

This one’s for Kyle Rancourt, whose phrase I made off with like the last Shorty’s rib at a black family reunion.

Just wanted to say happy 4th to y’all. It’s true our country sucks at just about everything right now, but we’re America, dammit. And we’re the best.

So enjoy your barbecues. Enjoy your exploding displays of imperialism. Enjoy your OFF spray. Enjoy your corn on the cob. Enjoy your families. Your coleslaws. Your unemployment. Your wars. Your sports. Your new Kanye/Jay-Z record. Your sparklers. And all the stuff that makes the good old USA a shove-it-down-your-throat bedrock of exceptionalism.

But seriously, have a great three days. Love y’all lots.

hilson