Inflammatory, Entirely True, Music Statements

I am right. You are wrong.

I submit the following for your small-minded consideration:

If Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness had been released 7 years prior on SST, it would be properly hailed as the greatest rock record of the last 43 years. Billy Corgan would be remembered not as “an asshole,” but an “ironic iconoclast” in the mold of Lou Reed and Henry Rollins.

Hello Nasty is the Beastie Boys’ second best album. “Intergalactic” is the premier hip-hop track of the ’90s.

The first three cuts off the New Pornographers’ Challengers is the best trio of soft-rock songs ever strung together.

“Challengers,” the song, is the only recorded instance in which Neko Case doesn’t sound a little like a helium-pumped chipmunk.

R.E.M.’s best ‘90s album is New Adventures in Hi-Fi

If the Stones had switched the releases of Tattoo You and Goats Head Soup, both would’ve received 5-star All Music Guide reviews. Black and Blue released today would tear a seam in the fabric of the universe.

Elliot Smith is a poor man’s Nick Drake who was a rich man’s Donovan. Therefore, Elliot Smith sucks.

Jimmy Page has recorded more memorable solos than Jimi Hendrix and Eddie Van Halen combined. Billy Corgan has recorded more memorable solos than Jimmy Page.

Rock ‘n roll peaked during the midway point of Zeppelin’s 7th ever recorded track. It was downhill from there.

Of all the artists with mangled late-career legacies, Bruce Springsteen would’ve benefitted most from a late-‘80s plane crash – even more so than the Stones and Black Flag.

Sonic Youth has made exactly two entirely listenable albums. Their best effort is a collection of pop songs.

The Ramones’ first album is the best punk offering of all-time, though it does not include their best song (“Glad To See You Go”).

If Pearl Jam had released their studio albums in reverse order, they would’ve moved 45 million fewer units. Pearl Jam would’ve been their biggest seller.

If aliens were real – and knew nothing of popular music but possessed an innate sense of art – forced to choose cold between “After The Gold Rush” and “Highway 61 Revisited,” they’d choose the former every time.

The Beatles are responsible for 7 of the 10 best pop songs in history. The others are, in no particular order, “Good Vibrations“, “Be My Baby” and “Let’s Spend The Night Together” (though Bowie’s version of the latter is the worst pop song in history).