What Your Favorite Band Says About You (Redux)

Who is this man and what do we know about him?

This is an idea from John Peck at McSweeney’s. I’m stealing it for my purposes.

The Stooges: You loved the White Stripes until their third album.

Phish: There’s a Grateful Dead sticker on the back of your Jetta.

Talking Heads: You’re an art school dropout who came around to pop music via world music. Clear is your favorite color.

Neil Young: You dabble in model trains when you’re not living off the land.

Black Sabbath: You’re not as evil as you think.

Pearl Jam: You have an inferiority complex and purchase tickets through independent vendors.

The Velvet Underground: You’ve either sworn off the Yule years or been excommunicated by your brethren.

The New Pornographers: You never stopped taking the percoset prescribed for your wisdom teeth surgery.

Eminem: You have a cousin with a bad meth habit.

Bubba Sparks: You have a bad meth habit.

Belle & Sebastian: You take “bookish” as a term of endearment and have never won a fight.

Kanye West: You’re white and only drink Belvedere.

Janelle Monae: You’re white and don’t drink.

Karen O: You’re so over Kim Gordon.

Sleigh Bells: You’re so over Karen O.

Karen O/Love of my life

Smashing Pumpkins: You hate Billy Corgan (and yourself).

Zwan: You’re a Billy Corgan apologist (and hate yourself). You think the new Sleigh Bells record sounds great and probably dabble in crystals.

The Smiths: You’re too goth for New Order, not goth enough for Joy Division.

Joy Division: You’re too goth for The Smiths, not goth enough for The Birthday Party.

The Strokes: You will dance in clubs, not at shows.

Daft Punk: You wish more people had an appreciation for experimental French New Wave films.

Animal Collective: You don’t currently play an instrument, but have thought about picking up the rain stick.

The Arcade Fire: You’re a “cool” dad.

The Beastie Boys: You were in a frat until you learned the meaning of irony.

Beck: You suffer from multiple personality disorder and haven’t been fun to be around since 2002.

Big Star: You haven’t heard the Rasberries.

Silversun Pickups: You haven’t heard Gish.

The album that spawned a thousand mediocre shoegaze bands

The Black Keys: You can name between two and four dead bluesmen.

Brian Eno: The white noise on shoddily produced podcasts doesn’t bother you.

Bruce Springsteen: You maintain that Magic is every bit as good as The River. You have a room in your house exclusively for box sets.

The Sex Pistols: You’re either an entry-level punk or an “ironic” anarchist.

Conor Oberst and The Mystic Valley Band: Bright Eyes just wasn’t your thing.

The Darkness: You think the Electric Six has “a lot of good musical ideas”.

Counting Crows: You have a karaoke machine in your house.

Bauhaus: You had a poster of Robert Smith on your wall till ninth grade.

Dead Moon: You DJ at The Top.

Radiohead: You wear collared shirts, only smoke pot for ‘medicinal’ purposes, and have taken at least one online IQ test out of curiosity.

Fugazi: You’ve never tried anything.

Dinosaur Jr: You’ve convinced yourself everybody starts losing their hearing at 30.

Elliot Smith: You’re still debating whether to post your diary anonymously on Live Journal.

The Fall: Pavement was your favorite band until Brighten The Corners.

Pavement: It’s always been your dream to write for Pitchfork, but you wouldn’t say no to Rolling Stone.

Pavement, before they "went all mainstream"

Fleet Foxes: You’ve applied for food stamps to save money and spend one night a week on a total stranger’s couch even though you rent a studio.

George Harrison: You maintain that the other two were “just holding him back.” Alfred, the butler, is your favorite super hero.

The Hold Steady: You have a vintage PBR sign hanging above your 7-inch collection.

Kings of Leon: “New Year’s Day” live at Red Rocks is your favorite YouTube video. You really like how Interpol has evolved.

Lou Reed: You’ve recited entire passages of “The Raven” at open mic nights.

The MC5: You buy American.

Metallica: You’re always quick to remind newer fans of how louder and faster they used to be.

Megadeth: Your favorite Metallica line-up was the original line-up.

Spiritualized: You’ve tried heroin enough to know it’s not for you.

Blur: You have a healthy respect for Oasis.

Oasis: You have an irrational hatred for Blur.

Pulp: You’re always the third wheel.

Jarvis Cocker, odd man out

Slayer: The smell of formaldehyde turns you on.

Minor Threat: You liked Black Flag until they got soft.

Sleater-Kinney: You’re unsure whether to adopt or find a surrogate.

Sonic Youth: You have to talk yourself into liking your favorite band.

Against Me!: You drank Natty until you fell into money. Now you drink Busch.

Le Tigre: You hate Cassavetes. No, you love him. No, you hate him. No, you love him.

The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion: Anthony Bourdain is your favorite celebrity chef.

Van Halen: You either only drink Cabo Wabo or boycott any establishment that serves it.

Foo Fighters: You think the case for Scottie Pippen has been understated.

Sugar: You weren’t sure how to feel about Bob Mould coming out of the closet. Until you realized you were gay.

Mudhoney: Bleach is the only Nirvana record you own.

Nirvana: You’ve hidden your copy of Ten in a sock drawer. You point to your Mudhoney collection when friends accuse you of “selling out”.

Sufjan Steven: You really dug Belle & Sebastian until they started playing heavy guitar rock.

<3 u, soofy doofy

REM: You prefer The Kids Are All Right the movie over “The Kids Are Alright” the song.

My Bloody Valentine: You’ve scared away at least one girlfriend by giving her a cassette of Isn’t Anything for Valentine’s Day. You still don’t understand the fuss over Ok Computer.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club: You always list the Jesus & Mary Chain in your top five bands, though you’ve never actually heard them. You think the guy from the Brian Jonestown Massacre is an asshole. Marlon Brando is your favorite actor.

The Brian Jonestown Massacre: You think the guy from the Dandy Warhols is an asshole.

Silver Apples: You were among the first to purchase a Commodore 64.

Audioslave: You mix catchup with mayonaise and maintain that the resulting glop of pink is better than either.

Les Savy Fav: Even your “alternative” friends think you’re trying too hard.

The Olivia Tremor Control: Same as Les Savy Fav, but you have nicer friends.

Weezer: You thought the last season of The Office was just as good as the first.

Deerhunter: You work at Pitchfork.

Dead Boys: Your night doesn’t really get going until somebody falls asleep in their own vomit.

Your old stomping ground.

The White Stripes: You can name between five and seven dead bluesmen. Dutch minimalism is your minimalism of choice. You feel Maureen Tucker is underrated.

Tapes ‘n Tapes: You started a music blog in 2004, ran it for a month, got hit by a buss and promptly fell into a coma. You’ve yet to wake up.

Tenacious D: The Beasties are a tad mature for your liking.

Creed: You dismiss Nickelback as “derivative”/own a Bible.

U2: You voted for Obama… and at least one Bush.

The Mars Volta: Your ADD is so bad that you can’t actually get through an entire Mars Volta record. You own a Sparta t-shirt.

Son Volt: You think Paul was the Alpha Beatle.

The Dwarves: You’ve taken Chris Brown’s side.

Sunn )))): Ironically, you go days at a time without seeing the sun.

Phoenix: You’re either a 22-year-old female law student, a Strokes fan living in Europe, or both.

My Morning Jacket: There’s very little organic matter growing on the forest floor you haven’t stuck in your mouth attempting to get high.

Nick Drake: Your closet is half cardigans and a quarter each wool sweaters and Sufjan Stevens concert tees.

Sourpuss Nick Drake

Rage Against The Machine: You’re a 17-year-old self-proclaimed anarchist working at Target.

The Shins: You tell people you liked the Shins before Garden State.

The Black Crowes: You have a special map designating all the local piano bars with Jack Daniel’s icons.

- Robbie