What’s worse, ya’ll: bombing Libya or the Strokes’ Pitchfork score?

OR

used to think that bombing the bajeebs out of Libya was the worst this week could get

thought to myself, why mess with bromarr gadaffi?

Seems like such a chill bro when he’s not massacring his own peeps

even kind of dig his face

reminds me of housewives of miami

i asked myself, what did libya ever do to us?

just mindin its own business

giving us cheap oil/cab drivers/ and the changing face of Autocracy (via Bromar’s changing face)

So i thought obama was being an unchill lamestreamer for signing off on this UN resolution

thought maybe he’d spend his time closing brotanamo bay or filling out his NCAA brackets

Never thought he’d wanna start another war, especially this weekend when there’s so much good basketball

Barack, luv u bro. But u remind me of a George Bush – if W was black, not dumb, had a hotter wife.

So disappointed. Thought this weekend couldn’t get any worse.

Spending bank on scud missiles that blow up villages

Spending bank on flashy trip to Chile to maybe try to start a war there/eat spicy flank steak

So sad about the rebel forces, broskees.

But things got worse when i checked my alt rss feed this morning

Saw that Pitchfork gave Angles a 5.9.

Died a little inside.

Thought that record was the jam.

Thought that record would ‘revive the strokes’ career’/make them big in japan/make julian casabroskee less of an asshole

but i was wrong, ya’ll. so wrong. wrong like dropping a 2-ton heat seeking brick of dynamite on some poor muslim bro who just wanted to chill with his family/pray five times a day/not bomb america

sorry, libyan bro. But doubly sorry, strokes.

there’s nothing worse than getting screwed over by the pitchy.

suck it, ryan dombal/dumbell/dumbshit

h8 u bro

Doesn’t bitchfork know that it wouldn’t exist without the strokes?

Doesn’t it know that ‘is this it’ invented pitchfork?

Doesn’t it know that without strokes, there are no entry-level alts/pitchfork festivals/relevant buzzbands?

sorry, julian. really thought you did it this time.

thought your record was worth a 7.1

thought maybe england would re-embrace u (via inviting u 2 b the houseband at the royal wedding)

but no

u got a ‘mediocre’ review from some lamestreamer who still hasn’t forgiven u for ‘first impressions of this record blows’

and honestly, jules, that record did suck pretty hard

but not hard enough for its effects to carry over 5 years latr

thought ur record was ‘the shit’, strokes

thought u guys did a pretty awesome job of h8ing each other, but still making some tight dancefloor hits (via 2 kinds of happiness/taken 4 a fool/gratisfaction)

thought it was cool that u made a record in albert hammond’s barn

still <3 ur hair, albert hammond. jewfroskee 4evr, bro

but just like barack obomz and his insatiable appetite for destruction

pitchfork cannot be appeased by the soothing sounds of ur frisky guitar interplay

what do u have 2 do, dudes? wear more leather? do more drugs? reunite with ugly chicks <via reigniting the flames of alt-passion b/t fab and drew barrymore>?

i would recommend all three

and 2 u, barack…

no words 4 u, bro.

thought u were so much more chill when u weren’t prez

now u just seem like a regular dude who can’t dig his way out of a ditch/crater/canyon

yr fukked, barack

bad economy, still no jobz, unruly middle easterns, unruly bromar qadaffis, unruly republicans

bad weather in the far east, fluctuating stock market, skyrocketing oil, cranky russians

Barack, haven’t u had yr fill of shitsandwich?

isn’t it time to step aside so hills clinton can ‘b the next ronald reagan’?

so want u back, ron ron

so want to un-nationalize medicine/cut the safety net out from the poor peeps/have a feisty crack epidemic/stay up at night worrying about nuclear obliteration

but also have a chill stock market to go along with it

and john hughes movies

Maybe pitchfork and the UN security council should join forces

maybe pitchy could give libya a 5.9/kill all of bromar’s buzz/make him rethink his career as a dictator

then we wouldn’t have to spend a million dollars each on cruise missiles

and submarines that shoot dragons out of their blowholes

feel like pitchfork is the future of war, ya’ll

just killin countries with low scores

helpin’ us save money with their buzzkilling vibes

h8 u pitchfork, unless yr fighting our wars for us

what will happen when the next band i luv gets a bad pitchscore?

first MIA, then radiohead, then lupe fiasco, now the strokes

it’s an epidemic ya’ll – like gonorrhea or american imperialism

i mean, seriouzly ya’ll, is REM really .9 better than the Strokes?

is raekwown ‘i’m famous 4 being in a band that made 1 good record’ wu-tanger really still relevant?

is raekwown meaningful?

is raekwown ‘legit’?

or is bitchfork just trying 2 b ‘ironic’?

Soon only kanye west and simon and garfunks reissues will get good pitchfork scores

Soon we will b at war with the entire continent of the middle east

soon libya will spill into syria, which will spill into iran, which will spill into iceland

it’s a domino effect ya’ll

where have u gone, richie nixon? we need yr trickie dick

things were so much better when we were fighting an enemy we could see (except for the bros in the vietnamese jungles)

really just disappointed with all the events of the last several weeks.

thought maybe this whole ‘global warming’ thing was over

thought maybe everything had gotten better because the dow hit 12 Gs

thought maybe the national debt had magically erased itself cuz nobody talked about it

things were looking up for the ameribro

but now he is taking it from behind by war mongers and negative pitchfork reviews of bands he thought were cool

next thing he knows, he’s going to be paying 3.57 for a gallon of gas

jk, bros, that ship has already sailed.

but, seriously, someday soon all the chill vibes the forefathers accumulated via writing the constitution/listening to chillwave on their iPods/wearing chill white Afghan Whigs will b used up on ‘fighting terrorism’

just want it all 2 go back to how it was

want the strokes to be a buzzband on the cover of NME.

want 2 have jobz for lower class bros

want 2 have twin towers

want 2 not fight 3 different wars

want 2 not torture

want to have a clinton in office

want monica lewinsky and oj ‘homer’ simpson on my tv

want 2 have a surpluss

want dennis kucinich not 2 wave a pocket constitution in my face

want 2 not feel like this country might suck

i think this could b a tipping point, ya’ll

feel like this could be the end of something gr8

feel like this world’s days r numbered

feel like maybe we should grab our macs and move to canada/start our own buzzbands in montreal

arcade fire said it best when they said, ‘gonna make a record in the month of may/this world is f*cked’

nailed it, Win

coming 2 see u in montreal, bro.

save a seat on the ice block floating off to sea for me

but not the 1 next 2 ryan dombal of pitchfork

and not the one next to barack obroskee