CNN Ticker Headlines

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The following are actual CNN headlines running on The Situation Room ticker between 5-7 p.m. on March 7, 2011:

Warner Bros. fires Charley Sheen from “Two and a Half Men”

Charlie Sheen status still unclear.

Sen. John Ensign (R-Nevada) announces he will not seek re-election

“Ensign resigns” deemed too cutesy.

Stocks sink on investor ‘nervousness’

Better than investor ‘hemorrhoids’.

Discovery crew wakes to Shatner

Promptly shats in pants.

Android passes Blackberry as No. 1 on smartphones

Hilson regretting ’09 purchase of Research in Motion shares.

Phil Collins ready to retire from music

Everybody else ready in 1981.

McQueen denies designing royal wedding dress

Gown said to be inspired by “Bullitt“.

Steve Carell wraps last episode of “The Office”

More effective as ’08 headline.

Gas prices continue climb, up 34 cents in 13 days

On the bright side, more Tom Foreman reports from Texico station in Bumf*ck, Colorado.

‘Slumdog’ child star loses home in Mumbai fire

Porta-john said to be replaceable.

Oil prices hit $106 barrel

T. Boone Pickens seein’ dolla dolla bills, ya’ll.

‘The end is near,’ group warns.

co-sign

Gates visits Afghanistan amid tensions

Sorry, Afghans. Not the one with money.

Rape suspect claims ‘Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde’ personality

Or in modern terminology, ‘Sheen’

‘Angry Birds’ game coming to Facebook

Advantage: China

Mexico chief fired amid reports she fled

“You can’t fire me. I quit!”

Cyber attack hits French finance ministry, goverment says

Officials inundated with friend requests.

FBI, Secret Service duke it out on ice

Advantage: terrorists

Gergen combover fleas amid wind gust*

*not real

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Obama brings back Gitmo military tribunals

Worst. Vacation. Ever.

Momentum grows for Libyan no-fly zone

Flies outraged.

Jeopardy! champ says Democratic senators asked him to run for office

Watson seeking New York junior seat.

- Robbie