Dear Heat Fans: There’s No Crying In Basketball

Pobrecitos

What happens when you assemble a basketball team with three good basketball players? Please answer logically. This is not a trick question.

Okay, here we go.

When you assemble a team with three good players, you end up fielding a 12-man roster… with three good players.

This is a mathematical certainty. It is grounded in fact. It is an inescapable, entirely limiting reality that cannot be masked by the synergistic talents of one of these three and the merely above-average exploits of the other two.

So I’m truly baffled – flummoxed even – by the local Miami sportstalk radio after the Chicago Bulls (a good team) sent the Miami Heat (a bad team with 1 great player and two good players) to their fourth straight loss and fifth in six games. It seems entirely rational to me – somebody who actually watches NBA basketball (as opposed to a Heat fan) – that teams who rebound and defend the paint pose serious and possibly irremediable problems to a squad whose best pure center (Erick Dampier) is widely regarded as the worst player in the league. I’ve maintained this not-novel stance – “defense and rebounding wins championships” – from day 1.

Subsequently, I don’t understand the call-in vitriol directed at Erik Spoelstra, or Eddie House or Mario Chalmers, or the collective mass grave that is Dampier/Howard/Ilgauskas. The Heat aren’t losing because Eddie House isn’t getting enough playing time. They’re losing because they have 9 Eddie Houses.

As far as Coach Spo’s concerned, I’m sure he’d like Joel Anthony to be ’01 Tim Duncan. But he’s not. And apart from building a time machine and overhauling the CBA, I’d say Spo’s shit out of luck on this front. He could tell LeBron James to stop jacking threes – which I’m sure he has – but it’s not like he has any say in the matter. When you’re nicknamed “King”, you don’t listen to guys nicknamed “Spo”.

In the cases of Chalmers, Dampier, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Mike Bibby, Mike Miller, James Jones, Juwan Howard, Anthony and the aforementioned House, said group collectively represents exactly what it appears to be in the now-permanently-scarred confines of this paragraph – namely, an aging bunch of NBA castoffs who, in most instances, would not crack the roster of a serious contender, let alone the starting lineup.

You know when consumer goods conglomerates dump underperforming brands to bolster the rest of their product lines? Well when you can’t spin off these duds, you’re the Miami Heat. And you’re f*cked.

So here’s something: shut up. Make me for a second believe you, the fan, didn’t really think this team would be able to contend without a shot-blocker, rebounder, front-court defender, point guard or bench. Trick me into thinking your woah-is-Heat charade is just that, and that you weren’t seriously – like SERIOUSLY – serious when you compared this team to the ’93 Bulls or the ’96 Bulls or the ’98 Bulls or any team with Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen.

Cause that’s some crazy talk.

Let’s be clear: Pat Riley isn’t saving this team. LeBron isn’t saving this team. Jesus himself is not saving this team. Because this team isn’t a team. It’s three guys and a helping of warm bodies. And they can mope and they can cry in the locker room and they can promise to play harder and make more shots.

The Miami Heat can pretend like this is fixable. But it’s not. And as soon as we agree on these terms, we can all move on with our lives. Or at least with the teams that still matter.

- Robbie