Breaking: ‘Melo to Nets, Hilson right again, I am the effing man, etc.

My pad forever in t-minus 5 years

I don’t think you all appreciate how hard it is to be two people at once: the jock and the hipster, the apologist and the guy who’s right ALL THE F*CKING TIME.

Seriously, I’m bustin’ my ass straddling two cities, two blogs, two types of music, two types of ladies. I’m avoiding old neighbors (sorry, Sanchez – we stared at each other for like five seconds before I realized who you were and tried to throw myself in front of traffic), spotting Jacory Harris on runs by The U, acing grad school, maintaining this Bolanesque physique, carrying Holts’ fat ass at SC AND trying to land a 50K job or higher so I don’t feel guilty schleping at QbyTheU’s future multiplex on the Beach.

It’s a tough EFFING life, people. And I do it all for you.

A couple things. First, I

<<<BREAKING: SC regrets to inform you that Bryan Holt, student journalist at the University of Florida and writer for GatorCountry.com, has been kidnapped by pirates>>>

Like I was saying, I’m about to be proven right once again: ‘Melo to the Nets is a no-brainer for all parties involved. Mikhail Prokhorov lands a name-brand seat filler in advance of his Russian takeover of NYC; the Nuggets haul four first-rounders, dump Chauncey’s aging ass and pick up Derrick “Do Me A” Favors; Anthony makes coin he’s not getting anywhere else; and of course, I get to wave this whole shebang over Sports Chump’s head while I gloat from the comfort of my high horse.

Moving on, I’d like to direct your attention to NBA.com, where the Propagandist Arm of the Stern Wing has taken to calling celebrity All-Stars Jalen Rose and BJ Armstrong “NBA Legends”… Though, you know, it’s not like I disagree with Armstrong. Not only was he the fifth best player on three MJ title teams, but he was a bang-up ESPN analyst for roughly 12 days to boot.

Tip of my hat to you, NBA.com. Phil Kates knows what I’m talking about.

And finally, lest we not make the 300-word mark, I’d like to say that A) Terence Stansbury is the most underrated dunker of all-time B) I have it from a good source (my conscience) that Blake Griffin will try to grab the top of the backboard tomorrow night C) Jordan will average 10 points and 5 boards in 20 minutes when he comes back at 51 and D) You are all incredibly spoiled for getting to read this incendiary log of brilliance day in and day out.

Going to the beach tonight, ladies. Hit me up. And if you’re curious as to why my writing on this blog has been – as a Brit with bad teeth and pasty skin would say – “total shite”, it’s because I’ve pumped all of my genius into something nobody reads. Shameless plug: join the fanpage.

To Ashley McLain and all her hot friends: Let’s do this. Leave your boyfriends at home.

Jump on this train, people. SC circa 2011 = Nirvana circa 1990.

Yeezy 4 Eva,

Hilson