With Golden, Miami Settles For Bronze

Looking the part

When I think of the new Miami Hurricanes head coaching hire, I think first of Temple and the 65-zilch thrashings that got that program expelled from the middling Big East Conference back in the day. This has nothing to do with current realities, but it is – if only due to childhood nostalgia – what I think of first.

I’m then reminded of the 1963 Jimmy Soul pop hit “If You Want To Be Happy” with the iconic lyrics: “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.”

The University of Miami embraced said maxim, as it’s done since the turn of the century, by hiring a man that was cheap (about $2 million per), easy, and sensical – ex-Owl Al Golden turned around a flailing program and, perhaps more importantly in the eyes of the “U” administration, did so with a healthy Academic Progress Rating.

If the high-profile rumored candidates were the buxom ladies you hang on your arm at a red carpet, Golden is the broad-shouldered gal who has dinner on the table on time and with a 6-pack of Bud on hand so you can drink yourself to sleep after a long day of work.

He won’t leave us because this is the best job he’ll ever get (unless Joe Pa dies, in which case he’ll probably get a better job). He’ll console us in defeat with an articulate optimism, a rare solace which the surly Shannon could not provide. He’ll dress nicely all the while…

I want to cry.

Again, this visceral reaction has nothing to do with the actual facts (well, maybe a little – more in a moment), but more with the idea the once mighty Hurricanes had to settle for a man whose most intriguing quality is his phonically arresting surname.

Gotta admit, “Golden” has a ring to it. It is, in short, a headline writer’s wet dream.

Miami Ushers in Golden Era

‘Canes Golden in Route of FAMU

Bronze Trophy in Hand, Harris Has Golden To Thank

With Golden, Miami Settles for Bronze

If I was a Gators fan, I would be weary that my head football coach has no head coaching experience. If I was a ‘Canes fan, I’d be be weary that my head football coach got his head coaching experience at Temple.

Having discarded a perennially 8-4 type, Miami brought in another 8-4 leader with the assumption that – in a head-to-head match up – South Florida talent will prevail over much better competition by two to three wins per season. In other words, the university presumes Golden, whose biggest career win is a 2010 home victory over a 1-1 Connecticut squad, rectified the Temple program, not because his hiring happened to coincide with a move to the Mid-American Conference (Akron, Buffalo, Directional Michigans), but because he is a really good coach, and more, that Temple post-expulsion was measurably worse than its new crop of opponents (Toledo, Ball State, Directional Michigans).

This is a problematic leap to make. Yes, Golden inherited an 0-11 team. Yes, I’d make better grades if you kicked me out of college and made me repeat middle school.

Golden won 8 games this year. He lost his last two to Midwestern powers Ohio and Miami, the latter a lopsided 23-3 outcome in front of 13,000 people. A Wikipedia passage summarizing Temple’s ’07 season concludes, “The offense also improved from 118th to 113th, but it was clear that Temple’s defense, despite their incredible youth, was the heart of their team.”

He has never won a bowl game. His lone 9-win season began with a loss to FCS rival Villanova. His out-of-conference victories have come, almost without exception, to military academies.

Now “they” – my father, the CanesTime board, Kool-Aid slurpers – say that he’s a “relentless” recruiter. And they would say this, if only to grasp at straws and if only because “actually, he kinda dogs it on the recruiting trail” isn’t a phrase that’s yet entered the Young New Hire lexicon.

Golden’s only 41. Unlike Will Muschamp, he’s at least run something. He’s not Randy Shannon. He’s an enthusiastic talker, studly at a presser, a hard worker, a very sharp dresser.

And he scares the hell out of me.

Coach Golden, welcome to the University of Miami. We have five national titles and consider 8 wins a disaster. We also have an empty stadium and a full fridge of beer. If you could, bring me a Bud. This is gonna be a rough night.

- Robbie