Pitching “The U”

Another reminder.

It pains me to my core to admit the University of Miami is not the program it was a mere decade ago. The school has an eroding fan base, a faded cache, an adopted stadium in East Nowhere and, most problematically, an on-field product not currently capable of correcting any of the articulated problems.

What’s worse, the Miami Hurricanes – “The U” as it were – will never again recreate the unparalleled experience of packing 74,476 intoxicated hooligans into a rumbling mass of modern history on a chilly Saturday night in October.

RIP, Old Lady.

That said, the man who accepts the vacant UM head coaching position, if capable of living up to the precedent of Schnellenberger and Johnson and Davis, stands to cement his name among the all-time greats and maybe land a free meal on South Beach while he’s at it. Here, then, is how I’d pitch the job if I was UM AD Kirby Hocutt:

• When you turn this program around – and there is not a doubt in my mind you will turn this program around – you’ll be a peerless rock star in a town that loves its rock ‘n roll.

• We have the talent on this team to play for a BCS birth next year, and given the competition in our conference, you should expect a perennial spot in the ACC Championship Game.

• We do not settle for conference titles.

• You will not find a more fertile recruiting ground anywhere on the planet. Our kids are big, fast, and grew up watching Ed Reed and Ken Dorsey.

• This media market is tailor-made for buzz. Miami is your mouthpiece.

• We could care less about professional basketball and the Dolphins haven’t won it all in 37 years. This town is yours for the taking.

• We are going to pay you more money than we’ve ever paid anyone because we want to show you that we’ll not settle for anything less than the best.

• Your players will spend their offseason workouts with Santana Moss and Willis McGahee and the greatest linebacker of all-time.

• Florida and FSU are down and still down, respectively.

• You will win us our sixth national title.

• You get to live in Coral Gables, one of the, if not the most, beautiful places in the country.

• Should you have the kind of success we expect from you, you’ll be able to die knowing you were responsible for erecting a 40,000-seat on-campus stadium.

• Above all, you will be a Miami Hurricane – part of an undeniable tradition, an exceptional future, and an incomparable cool.

- Robbie