College Football? Yeah, College Football: Week 7

THE Oohi State University

Back and better than… Okay, maybe it’s just back.

College football. So wonderful with its pageantry and drama and coed spectators. So terrible when your two favorite teams lose a collective four games in a row.

Florida and USF have decided that it’d be funny to torture me with complete bombs of seasons just when I needed them most. What with the Rays entire franchise coming to a halting crash and the dreary idea of midterms approaching. I need something positive and losing a homecoming game to Syracuse or playing paper-thin defense against Alabama and LSU doesn’t cut it.

But its not just my two teams that are bringing me down. No, it’s the entire landscape of college football.

The only negative side of Alabama’s loss to SC-favorite OBC is that it has catapulted two absoloutely villainous programs to the top of college football. THE Ohio State University – home of lame traditions, sweater vests, and a fan base that acts entitled for no reason – is currently ranked No. 1 in the nation and Boise State – home of, well, nothing really – is predicted to be No. 1 in the BCS rankings by a large margin when they come out Sunday.

Excuse me one second while I… AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

This is horrible, terrible, no good, very bad news, America. After this week, Ohio State closes out the season with a remaining schedule largely consisting of fat white dudes that can’t break 6.0 in the 40-yard dash. And Boise State will continue its mission to embarrass every school you’ve never heard of.

Just imagine the idea of Boise State playing in a national championship game. Now chug a fifth of whiskey, throw-up and keep reading. Boise State playing for a national championship is like every “Oh no, the world is going to end” episode of “South Park all rolled up into one nauseating occasion.

The negativity is killing me. Onto the picks.

Boston College at 16 Florida State

Fresh off their beat-down of Miami that can only be described as “rape against a defenseless victim,” FSU continues its march through the basketball conference this week against the Golden Eagles. I refuse to say that the Seminoles look good this year, but I will say that they look “good for an ACC team.” Boston College does not, coming off of bad losses to NC State, Virginia Tech and worst of all, (gasp) the Vatican Army. WINNER: Florida’s retarded little brother

Miami at Duke

I can’t even muster up the energy to make Miami jokes anymore. Sorry, Robbie. I do however know one girl who will be very excited about this contest. WINNER: Karen F. Owen

Western Michigan at Notre Dame

RESTORING THE GLORY OF NOTRE DAME… By beating the third-best team in the MAC’s Western division. It’s official, folks. The Vatican Army is pathetic. WINNER: People who fall ashhleep before “College Gameday Shhcoreboard” comesshh on

They're the besshht

Texas at 5 Nebraska

There has to be at least one fresh, young Big 12 team for everyone to get excited about every year, and this year it is Nebraska. Not saying they’re not a solid team, but people are considering a game against Kansas State to be their “breakout performance.” WINNER: Huskers

15 Iowa at Michigan

How do you make 109,901 people be quiet at once? Sit them inside Michigan Stadium. Oh! Got ‘em! WINNER: Hawkeyes

California at USC

I had almost forgot how much fun it is to see Lane Kiffin lose… Until last week. Let’s see it again. WINNER: Tree-hugging, war-protesting, weed-smoking, Dave Matthews-loving, anti-showering, anti-American hippies

BYU at 4 TCU

RELIGION WAR! Well, not really. This war would be kind of like Kuwait trying to invade China. WINNER: Mainline Protestants

10 South Carolina at Kentucky

Through this depressing stretch of the college football season, the Gamecocks and OBC seem to be the only things keeping me going. I would officially announce my desire to see them succeed and win the SEC, BUT they still have a game against the Gators and I’m pretty sure declaring that I was on their bandwagon would cause them to lose to Kentucky. WINNER: OBC

1 Ohio State at 18 Wisconsin

I cannot even begin to tell you how hard I am pulling for the Badgers here. I hope Camp Randall gets so loud that Pryor defecates in his pants, blows the game and then the stadium collapses. It would be a terrific day of catastrophe in the Big 10. But you know there will be some kind of giant conspiracy in the conference forcing Wisconsin to lay down to the Buckeyes. As the last game OSU probably has a chance of losing, no way the old dudes in charge would let that happen. No, the Big 10 has to return to the national stage and the only way to do that is push OSU to the top. Get ready for tons of media hype and another glorious ass-kicking in January. WINNER: O-O-H-I

The last time people got excited about Ohio State.

Mississippi State at 22 Florida

And we come to my poor, struggling Gators. The lone bright spot of the past two weeks was last weeks orange jerseys. Those were awesome, but we will obviously never see them again because Urban Meyer is a crazy OCD superstition kinda guy that freaks out over everything except play-calling until his heart explodes. Can we just agree that we lost to LSU because we suck and not because of uniform choices and keep the orange around? I’d like to think they’ll end the losing streak at two on homecoming, but they are playing a team from Mississippi, so you never know. WINNER: I’ll be optimistic. Gators

3 Boise State at San Jose State

Ah, it’s this week’s rendition of “Who in the Hell is Boise Playing?” School Name: San Jose State University Location: San Jose, CA Enrollment: 24,273 Team Nickname: Spartans First Season: 1892 Head Coach: Mike MacIntyre (1-5) 2009 Record: 2-10 2010 Record: 1-5 All-Time Record: 446-429-37 Stadium Capacity: 30,456 Bowl Game Appearances: 8

Ole Miss at 8 Alabama

Poor Rebel Black Bears. It’s not going to be a fun weekend to catch the Crimson Tide. WINNER: Tide

24 Oregon State at Washington

Hey look, it’s Boise’s quality win. Huskies, let’s do this. WINNER: Operation Kill Boise

-Bryan

Playoff Diary of a Rays Fan: The End

Pain. Misery. Closure.

And it ends.

No sport leaves fans more hollow and lost at the end of its season than baseball. A successful baseball season is a relationship.

The fan makes a commitment. He falls in love through Spring Training and Opening Day and sets out on what he thinks could be a never-ending honeymoon.

But it’s not that easy.

There are good times that fade into hard times. There’s the days when the fan is sickened to a point where he wants nothing to do with his team, but he watches begrudgingly anyways. He’s rewarded for his loyalty with an October extension of the relationship if he’s lucky.

But then it ends. And unless his team is the last one spraying champagne (or ginger ale), it’s a bitter cold split. After eight months of an everyday dependency, it’s gone. As quick as a ball can hit leather,  something that you have invested your time and personal well-being into is on a four-month hiatus.

Yeah, my Rays lost. And now, it’s over.

The simple word “over” has enough possible meanings here that it can and will spark far too many columns of its own.

Is this the end of the Rays as we know them? Will they ever get this close again?

Most will say no. They’ll say that this was the last chance the Tampa Bay area had to see a winner. Small market teams can’t blow chances like this. They can’t let players like Carl Crawford and Rafael Soriano and Carlos Peña go without having a championship to show for it.

And even if they can keep things going after they leave, the few fans that do exist will leave with the marquee players. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2016 World Series Champions, the Nashville Rays.

I’ve suddenly begun to feel strangely positive about next season which can only mean that I have been watching the local postgame coverage for far too long.

But there’s an entire offseason to focus on whether or not the Rays are “over.” As difficult as it is, tonight should be about the strange, twisting ride that was the 2010 season.

The season of last chances and expectations ended in a disappointing first-round exit from the playoffs. Those of us who allowed our hopes to get up over the weekend were brought back down by the biting realization that Cliff Lee can still dominate a series.

A big deal was made about how poorly both the Yankees and Rays played down the stretch. Talking heads said that it seemed like neither team really wanted to win the AL East.

In hindsight, maybe the Yankees were the smart ones for not taking the title.

By winning the toughest division in baseball, the Rays got the grand prize of HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE which I am now completely convinced means nothing in professional sports, especially baseball. They got to face a Rangers team that held the perfect formula for winning a five-game series. Cliff Lee, C.J. Wilson, timely offense.

If Cliff Lee could pitch on short rest I’d say they could take a seven-game series, but he can’t and they can’t.

Sure glad we took that division race so serious. How melodramatic and embarrassing will it be to raise an “AL EAST Champions” banner next year if say, the defending World Champion Yankees happen to be in town at the time. I can see the grin on Nick Swisher’s face from here.

No, the Rays wern’t just a victim of circumstance and system. They were also uncharacteristically porous on defense and inexplicably non-aggressive at the plate.

They looked fun and explosive on the road but nervous and stiff at home. Maybe the Trop should have capped attendance at 12,000. You know, to make them feel more comfortable.

This all started with a walk-off win over the Orioles. Back then, Carl Crawford was a hero starting his Tampa Bay farewell tour. I despised the man that would go on to be an elite closer. Pat Burrell was still with the Rays and human kryptonite to big innings. James Shields was an ace. Longoria was on pace to hit 162 homers. Ron Washington was nothing more than the punch line to a good old cocaine joke.

How things change.

That’s all I’ve got for now. It’s been fun. Depressing, humiliating, disheartening. But fun.

Crawford, I’ll get to your tribute later. Go Rays.

-Bryan

UM’s Randy Shannon talks Consistency, Groins

Pretzel Logic

A day after a 45-17 home loss to 23rd-ranked arch rival FSU on Saturday night, University of Miami head football coach Randy Shannon spoke to reporters about the game and his team’s prospects going forward. Said Shannon of the nationally televised undressing, “We have some things we can really, really build on.”

Though suddenly-disgruntled fans are calling for his ouster, it is highly unlikely Shannon will lose his job this year – or ever – given his 4-year, $4.8 million extension in May and UM President Donna Shalala’s notoriously stingy ways. With the in-conference loss to FSU, the Hurricanes fell to 3-2 (1-1 in the ACC) and dropped out of both polls for the first time this year. Miami is now 21-19 against BCS teams under their current coach, but a perfect 3-0 against Bowl Subdivision teams.

In addition, the ‘Canes sold out Sun Life Stadium for the first time Saturday, yet it is uncertain if they will duplicate attendance for their Oct. 23 game against North Carolina.

A crowd between 75,000 and 22,000 is expected.

The following are Shannon’s word-for-word responses during Sunday morning’s press conference with reporters from Rivals.com and the Miami Herald:

Coach, how would you evaluate last night’s effort?

We didn’t do very well on both sides of the football. We had some running plays, but we weren’t consistent. I have to be more consistent, more demanding.

What does this loss mean for your team?

That’s one loss in the ACC.

Can you give us an update on [injured starting quarterback] Jacory [Harris]?

A groin is a groin.

There were over 200 state recruits on the sidelines last night. How’s this going to affect recruiting?

It’s overstated. Everyone’s going to get their players.

So you’re saying a blowout loss to your biggest rival has no effect on recruiting?

Florida State will get their players and we’ll get ours. It doesn’t change.

This is the first time in three plus seasons you’ve ever blamed yourself for a loss…

Offensively, we were able to run against Clemson. Why weren’t we able to run against Florida State? Is it the run plays, pass plays, the personnel, what is it? We have to find out what it is and fix it, get better off it. That’s why it’s on me.

Do you foresee major changes coming?

No. You can’t cut them or trade them, get anybody off the waiver wire… We have a good football team.

What’s the biggest problem with mental preparation?

The consistency, where is it? The same play, same defense, we get a tackle for a loss. Then suddenly the same play, same defense, they get a running play. The consistency, we have to demand more out of them and I have to demand it out of the coaches to get it out of the players.

The team seems to repeat the same simple mistakes…

That’s the consistency part of it. We’ll get it fixed.

But these are recurring issues. This is the second time in a month your team hasn’t been competitive…

Like I said the last time we lost a game, we’ll be a lot better. And we will. The greatest thing about it is ACC play now. You get in a rhythm of doing certain things now.

Was the team mentally prepared to play yesterday?

I thought they were.

You have to be shocked by the performance.

You want to win. But we still have some things we can get done. If we do what we have to do and take care of the opportunities we’re going to have the next couple of weeks, we’ll put ourselves in the right situation.

Jacory was 19 of 47 for 225 yards and an interception…

I thought he managed well for what he had to get done.

But the offense was in a lull all night.

When that happens, always bad things happen.

Do you think the media backlash from Jacory’s poor play of late has taken a toll on him?

I don’t think it’s taken a toll on him. It’s a Jacory lovefest right now.

[Linebacker Colin] McCarthy is a fifth-year senior. That personal foul was a killer.

You expect a lot out of everybody on the team, seniors to be able to control themselves and things like that.

How do you deal with fan complaints?

I don’t hear any of it.

Do you want the rallying cry to be facing FSU again in the ACC title game?

No.

You had a lot of dropped passes. Is there any one thing that’s a problem catching balls?

They are what they are.

[Saturday's opponent] Duke hasn’t had a winning season in 15 years. Your thoughts?

It’s a tough place to play. You have a 150-yard walk to get to the field, the fans. You know how the stadium is going to be. It’s one of those places that can lull you to sleep just because of the atmosphere. Every year I’ve been up there we’ve had tough times at Duke.

- Robbie

Playoff Diary of a Rays Fan: ALDS Games 3 and 4

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. For making me look like an idiot.

In case you haven’t already noticed, this entire diary series is little more than a public forum for me to do what I do best. OVERREACT.

Of course these Rays would find a way to even this series and bring it back to a deciding Game 5. Of course the bats would forget that they’re supposed to be the worst of any playoff team and score 11 runs in two days. Of course the pitching would return to dominance.

If there’s one thing that this Rays team is excellent at, it’s doing things that don’t seem to make any sense. That and getting ridicuously hot and unstoppable out of nowhere.

Rays slumps were occasionally enjoyable during the season. That is only because when the Rays hit a slump there was always that glimmering knowledge that when they finally broke out of it, it would be pure hell for their opponents for the next two weeks or so.

People have scrambled to figure out how the Rays scored as many runs and won as many games as they did during the regular season. Now they have their answer. Hot streaks.

Now this means that the Rays could easily fall out at any point and be stuck at ground zero offensively again. Streaky teams are a tough bet in the postseason. But until the next slump comes, it could be a fun ride.

The biggest stories will be the middle of the lineup which was non existent in Games 1 and 2. Now Carlos Pena has suddenly become some sort of silver slugger, notching four hits, four RBIs and a homer in the last two games. A formerly struggling Evan Longoria – who can still barely run – learned today that gap doubles and home-runs are his best friend.

If there’s one thing that you can take away from this series clearly so far it is obviously that both teams absolutely hate their fans. For our sake, I hope that changes by Tuesday night.

As much as I despised the event and hate to admit to referencing one of my least favorite sports teams, the part of that “Four Days in October” doc where Kevin Millar tells Dan Shaughnessy – who had called the Red Sox gutless and declared their ALCS series over, sound familiar? – that if the Yankees let them get get one win, watch out because “anything can happen in Game 7″ has been running through my mind repeatedly.

Tuesday night will be wide open. Aggressiveness will be the word of the night. It’s been there this weekend. It needs to return. Cliff Lee throws strikes. Hit them.

Champagne is on ice in both clubhouses. Make the visitors locker room a sober work place.

I’d like to say more, but with my combined excitement over excellent wins by the Rays and Bucs, I don’t think I could keep writing without becoming overly bombastic and arrogant and generally making you hate me.

I’ll stop now.

-Bryan

Too Bad It’s Only Halftime: Another Demoralized ‘Canes Post

Jacory Harris.

Sponge Bob.

I’m not writing this as an elaborate reverse jinx or because I’ve tweeted one-too-many obscenities to our PG-rated Twitter following.

I’m writing this because my football team f*cking sucks.

I predicted 38-17 UM to my father two hours ago, not because I really believed it, but because I was riding the good vibes of the Alabama loss and of SC hero Steve Spurrier, and because, more than anything, I was just excited to still be relevant – have a theoretical title shot – in the early days of October.

I know. Sad.

What’s sadder? Here’s my father’s response: “I told the guys you must’ve started drinking.”

Well now I’m drinking. Or I feel like it anyway. FSU’s kicking our ass at halftime, dominating every phase of the game, and per usual, out-coaching the dynamic duo of Randy “Adjustments” Shannon and Mark “Running Game?” Whipple.

Here are the random notes I jotted down after 8:30:

• Herbie on Jacory Harris: “He’s got all the ability in the world, but he’s his own worst enemy.” Well, Kirk, you’re half right at least.

• Robb Hilson’s thoughts before former Groza candidate Matt Bosher shanked a 32-yard field goal attempt with no score: “Got a lot of concerns. This guy’s not one of them.”

• Yes, the Artist Formerly Known as Joe Robbie is sold out. And, yes, all I can hear is the 20,000 or so ‘Noles fans and their massive marching band.

• Leonard Hankerson made a Randy Moss-like, one-handed catch over the middle in the first quarter (when this game was still in question). Check that, Moss doesn’t go over the middle. Point is, Hankerson is one of the exceedingly rare examples of a player who’s actually progressed under Shannon’s tutelage. I’m sure he wants to leave early. Yeah, he’s a senior, but I mean fourth quarter.

• Freshman right tackle Seantrel Henderson’s looked like a 330-pound construction cone all night. He can’t match the speed of FSU’s d-ends on passing plays.

• Shannon has no answer for Jimbo Fisher’s downfield blocking scheme. And, in general, both FSU front sevens are beating the hell out of our supposedly superior talent. Brent, safety Vaughn Telemaque is making so many tackles… because he’s the only guy left to make them.

• Dear Sean Spence, I admire your enthusiasm and your moves. But the time for dancing is Thursday night at the ATL, not down by two touchdowns in the second quarter.

• When I started writing, it was 24-7. Now it’s 31-7. I’ve been writing for 10 minutes, 7 of which were halftime.

• I don’t know what to call this. “Embarrassing” isn’t strong enough.

• Jacory’s grabbing his groin not because of lingering injuries, but because – like me and others who still care about this team – he’s just been kicked in the nuts.

- Robbie

Update: Hankerson’s having one of the worst games of his career.

Playoff Diary of a Rays Fan: The Day

A quick briefing for The Day.

And so it comes down to this.

In 2008, the Tampa Bay Rays shocked baseball and became relevant. Two years later, they are one game away from the end of what most would argue is their final chance to make something of this surprising run.

After watching how inept the Rays were in the first two games of this Rangers series, you’d think it’d be easy for me to give up. I wish it was, but the truth is that this entire thing is still driving me crazy.

So crazy that I can’t properly focus on what should be one of my favorite college football Saturdays of the year. Florida-LSU at night in The Swamp. Another opportunity at Wide Right. Steve Spurrier going for what could be the final signature win of his career.

I barely care.

For better or worse, my mind will be focused on a 5:07 P.M. date with obligatory destiny.

Maybe the sickest part of the entire thing is that I still – for some strange, benign reason – think we can win.

Some part of my mind is willing to believe that they still have a chance. Even though only four teams have ever come back from down 0-2 in a five-game series. Even though this team has the worst batting average IN THE HISTORY of the RAYS OR DEVIL RAYS. Even though their minds or hearts don’t seem in it.

When asked about how impressive Rangers pitching has been this series on Friday, A.J. Perizynski gave a puzzled look and said “No offense, but the Rays are making them look better than they have really been. That’s what happens when you stare at two fastballs right down the middle to start every at-bat.”

I still think that they will at least win behind Matt Garza to stretch this out another day. A right-handed starter on the mound for Texas allows the Rays to institute their more comfortable lineup and not put the weight of playoff survival on platoon righties and September call-ups.

But I’m not even quite sure why I believe this.

Texas has never won a playoff series, the only team in MLB that can hold that dismal title. The Rays will now be walking into a stadium full of over 51,000 people ready to see that change. It will be loud. It will be raucous. There might not be another stadium in baseball that is more perfectly fit for its home team than the home-run-friendly Rangers Ballpark in Arlington.

The Rangers were 51-30 at home during the regular season.

Garza has been inconsistent. His performances this year have ranged from a no-hitter to disaster. How he will play is a complete wild card just like the idea of whether or not the bats will finally show up.

Unfortunately, I’ll be waiting with my hopes on the line. Now a few random thoughts:

• Carl Crawford, I know you could be as little as one game away from leaving. But I plead you to not go to the Yankees. Not because of dignity or division competition or anything. Just because the New York media will tear you to pieces. After the Rays fans gave him a “goodbye” ovation during his final at-bat on Thursday, Crawford told reporters: “If I knew they were going to be saying, ‘Thank you,’ I probably would have tried to have a better at-bat.” This came after he blew off the first two games as “Well, they have good pitching. There’s nothing we can do about that.” Might I suggest Anaheim, Carl. Tampa fans are laid back enough to overlook quotes like this. New York won’t be so forgiving.
• The Rays must win if for no other reason than to give Evan Longoria’s playoff mullet and beard another day to solidify.
• Why do I feel like the words “element of human error” will be used gratuitously during today’s broadcast?
• NOOOO! The Braves won Game 2, and I now have no friends or family to share my misery with.
• Something tells me Brett Favre will be getting in a late-night car crash outside his home in the very near future. And like with Tiger, the mainstream media will act shocked and confused.
• Go Gators. Go Bulls. And, uh, Go Rays.

-Bryan

Take Your 5-Game Series and Shove It

I know, Bud. I know.

This one’s for you, Bud. I know you meant well. I know that when you implemented the Wild Card in 1994, you weren’t thinking, “How can I make the game better in theory, while simultaneously instituting the single worse tournament-style system in sports?”

But I also know that your little playoffs-altering coup d’etat just happened to align with the introduction of two mid-market teams. And I know, too, that you had plans to expand to St. Pete and Phoenix, you know, to capitalize on the monumental success of planting a club in Broward.

Bud, you obviously have little interest in the best teams winning. Admit it, when the Marlins landed their second World Series in 2003 – after 162 games of regular season told us that they were inferior to Atlanta, as they were every year in their existence – you patted yourself on the back. Hooray for me. Hooray for the short series. Hooray that an 88-win Cubs team used two aces to down an 101-win Atlanta juggernaut. Hooray that Florida did the same to a 100-win Giants team.

Now Bud, it makes sense to me, at least, that if you’re going to play four best-of-five series to determine the best four teams in baseball, there’s absolutely no reason to stretch the regular season 162 games. As a matter of fact, lets just play three weeks. And with 2 off-days in between each game. That way, teams won’t have to sweat the small stuff, you know, like who the third guy in their starting rotation will be.

I think we’re on to something. I think we can bang out this whole damn thing in 50 days. Maybe we start mid July. Avoid the football season altogether.

What’s that? Money? You care about money?

Okay, I gotta better idea then. How ’bout we just extend the division series a couple games. You get your extra TV revenue, and teams in don’t-give-a-sh*t markets like Central Florida get another rare, packed home game to pad their yearly net. Hell, I might actually get to see two teams that deserve to be in the World Series.

And the players. Think about the players, Bud. They’re not playing games 1 and 2 with a puckered ass and the weight of God on their shoulders. They don’t have to worry about 5 months going up in flames over a weekend. Bryan Holt doesn’t hate himself right now. And just maybe, the two teams with the best records in baseball right the ship. You know, show that those ONE HUNDRED SIXTY-TWO GAMES WEREN’T A FLUKE.

We’re all winners, Bud.

Think about it.

- Robbie

__________

Because time dictates… Week 5 NFL Picks

Tampa over Cincinnati (-6.5)

Green Bay (-2.5) over Washington

Kansas City over Indianapolis (-7.5)

Atlanta (-3) over Cleveland

Denver over Baltimore (-7)

Houston (-3) over New York Giants

St. Louis over Detroit (-3)

Jacksonville (-0) over Buffalo

Chicago over Carolina (-1)

New Orleans (-7) over Arizona

San Diego (-6.5) over Oakland

Tennessee over Dallas (-7)

Philadelphia over San Francisco (-3)

Minnesota over New York Jets (-4)

Last Week: 6-8

Season: 24-36-2

Playoff Diary of a Rays Fan: ALDS Game 2

Well, at least I’ll probably only have to write one more of these.

The Rays and Rangers will play another game on Saturday but make no doubt about it, this series is over.

It was over two weeks ago when the Rays began the current batting slump that they’re in right now. Any Rays fan that has followed the team knows it. The Rays’ bats are the streakiest in baseball. And when they’re cold, there is no offense in baseball that is worst. Judging by their no-hit resume, you might be able to extend that claim to the history of baseball. It’s a strange mystery how the Rays scored 802 runs in the 2010 regular season.

It was over on Monday when painfully loyal Joe Maddon announced that James Shields would not only become the first ever 15-game loser to start a playoff game, but he would be second in the starting rotation. Shields’ past success had always been something peculiar. Now it’s pretty clear that it’s never coming back.

But believe it or not, poor pitching and putrid batting were not what struck me most as I watched Game 2. That title would go to the lackadaisical group of robotic aliens that has taken over the once vibrant Rays clubhouse.

Playing for the Rays used to look like it was fun. What with the giant celebrations and the raucous dugout and the aggressive play that pushed the limits of baseball’s unwritten rules.

Let it be known that this ALDS has revealed the Rays to be just as boring and bland as any other team in baseball. Any team in baseball that’s not named the Texas Rangers. The last two days, the spirit of the 2008 Rays, that fun-loving and unpredictable team, has sat in the visitor’s dugout.

They’ve had smart at-bats. They’ve gone after the extra base every time and put the fear of God in Rays’ pitching and defense causing three errors in two games. They’ve had fun doing it.

The team that Tampa fans have been left with is the kind that hangs its heads and drudges out groundout after groundout. The kind that drops behind by a couple of runs and is shown with the shocked, “let’s call it a day” facial expressions for the next six innings. The kind of team that quits after a bad call and is 27 outs away from a manager ejection being the lone highlight of its playoff run.

I realize that thinking about the obligatory fire sale that is coming in the next couple of months is not a pleasant thought. But like it or not, that’s what everyone is focusing on. Everyone except the Rays that is.

The Rays seem to be the only people at Tropicana Field that don’t realize this is their last chance. This should be a time of urgency, and the Rays look like it’s mid-June.

Carl Crawford most likely played his final game at Tropicana Field as a Ray today. Anti-climatic is an understatement. Some of the crowd gave him a standing ovation during his final at-bat and there were a couple of chants for his name from the outfield seats. He grounded out and jogged to the dugout just as vanilla as every Rays batter before and after him.

Watching the Rays’ postgame, it looks life a funeral. A Grant Balfour “Let’s Win 2 in Texas” scribble on a white board was the only sense of life. Everyone else looked to the ground and said ‘Well, it’ll be tough, but we have to win three.”

Guess who didn't catch the ball.

One week ago, people might have claimed that the Rays had an advantage this year because this time they have been there before. I think it might be the opposite. This team looks like it’s trying to act too much like the team that has been there before. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s not the Rays.

If the bats wake up at all, the Rays might win Saturday under the right arm of Garza. But it will be nothing more than fuel for fans of prolonged misery.

The Rays aren’t fooling anyone but themselves this October. It’s too bad this is how it has to end.

-Bryan

Playoff Diary of a Rays Fan: ALDS Game 1

Sums the day up pretty well.

Yes, Roy Halladay just completed an all-time great baseball feat. Yes, I’m going to ignore it in order to complain about a forgettable game.

Maybe we shouldn’t have won the American League East. On second thought, I’m watching Yankees-Twins right now, and I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t work out too well either.

Fans are expected to overreact after the first game of a series, so overreact I shall.

In the last 28 hours, I have gone from not having a ticket to Game 1 to having tickets. From traveling from Gainesville to Tampa and then back to Gainesville (four hours round-trip). From excited to shocked to – stealing a word from the Longoria vocab – disheartened.

Now I’m back in my apartment after a nighttime drive up I-75 completely fueled by a Jay-Z jam session…

Stop, envision the whitest kid you’ve ever met rapping along with “The Blueprint” in a Chevy Tahoe (read: 21st century soccer mom car). Now laugh, and continue reading.

… And I’m ready to vent.

The more I think about today, the more I don’t quite understand the excitement level for this playoff run in the first place. What made us think that this now two-week slump would magically end once the postseason began? What made us think a team that has struggled to hit against the worst teams in the AL over the past two weeks could show up and compete with Cliff freaking Lee?

This series has been marketed as big pitching (Rays) vs big hitting (Rangers). Except every Rays pitcher not named Price has for the most part struggled in the last two months. And well, today Price joined the club.

While the Tropicana Field crowd (more on them in a moment) sat perplexed at the Rays’ performance today, it really wasn’t that hard to see it coming.

Rays’ players struck out 1,292 times during the regular season, the highest total in the American League. Their lineup compiled a team batting average of .247, the second-worst in the American League. For a team that preaches small ball and an old-school National League style, the Rays have statistics comparable to a team of Matt Stairs clones.

Today was no different. The Rays struck out 13 times. Seven of those strikeouts came with runners in scoring position. Three of those struck out looking.

Theme #1 of the Day

And now with Price shelled for five runs in his postseason opener, we’re left with a scrambled pitching staff trying to make up for him. James Shields will start in Game 2. In case you’re interested, Shields has 15 losses this year and will take his title of AL launching pad (his 34 homers given up leads the league) up against a lineup that is beyond intimidating.

After all, batting is what became the theme of the day. When a Rangers player came to the plate, it felt like anything could happen. When a Rays player stepped forward, it was the exact opposite.

Theme #2 of the Day

The Rays started the game with three quick first-inning hits but were then stalled by a controversial foul-tip call against Pena (and two strikeouts). They got nothing out of the inning and only had three hits the rest of the way. Pena would match that number in strikeouts.

Composure? Not so much.

In a five-game series, it will ultimately boil down to Shields. The man who has struggled against last-place teams throughout September and whose spot in the postseason rotation is beyond peculiar will have to be strong, or the Rays are virtually done. Some help at the plate wouldn’t hurt either.

Other rambling thoughts of the day:

• I had no problem with Rays players griping about regular season attendance, but when you say that “we play better when there’s a full house,” you should probably try to live up to it. In the past week, the Rays have played in front of two capacity crowds. In those two games, they have had a total of one run, nine hits and zero victories. Just sayin’.
• Rays bandwagoners, welcome aboard. We seriously need you. But please try to not make it so obvious that you’ve never been to a baseball game before. Stop freaking out over every pop fly, stop pretending you can judge the strike zone from the corner outfield and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE stop trying to get the wave started. I saw more failed waves today than I saw Pena, Upton and Baldelli strikeouts combined, and that’s BAD.
• Once we get past the sentimental, “nice guy who hits home runs” thing, is anyone really going to miss Carlos Pena? His once Gold Glove defense has gone down this year and his sub .200 batting average and never-ending poor at-bats should not fit in with what this team is supposedly trying to be. I’m actually getting a little nervous that we might have to keep him if his postseason continues to be as bad as it was today.
• An 80-something-year-old Rangers fan was asked “where the cocaine and strippers are” in the bathroom today. I’ll let you guess whose jersey he was wearing.

Oh well, none of this probably matters. The Phillies are going to kick everyone’s asses anyways. But just in case, c’mon Shields, wee need Game 2.

-Bryan

October: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Obey your thirst.

So I woke up and felt like I was gonna die this morning. Not gonna let a little Alka Seltzer hangover ruin my early Autumn high. Now the aspirin overdose… That’s another story.

CHECK THE ACTIVE INGREDIENTS.

But seriously, as I peck away at my office keyboard in my little 60-degree, air-conditioned micro-climate, I can’t help but think to myself, “What the f*ck is hydrilla verticillata?”

In other words, I have a meeting. Be right back.

Time stamp: [11:09 a.m]

Return time stamp: [11:37 a.m.]

Also, here’s a YouTube video, chosen at random from millions of entries.

Kidding. Not chosen at random.

As you can tell, then, I’m mildly delirious right now. Haven’t been the same [, Bryan "Hey, Let Me Buy You Another One" Holt,] since Thursday. I probably have salmonella/Ebola/”the common cold,” some of which there is cure for, some of which there is not.

Which means <via sentence fragments> that now is the perfect time to jot down the many reasons why it’s great to be (semi) alive on This Day of Our Lord, Oct. 4, 2010 AD.

But first, another YouTube video, chosen at random from billions of entries.

Kidding again. Not chosen at random.

More groggy incoherence to follow, which I blame on Alka Seltzer spokesman Don Cheadle.

“And you’ll feel better fast.”

Right.

__________

Reasons why early Fall kicks ass:

1) Pumpkin products. And not just products with actual pumpkin, but products with “pumpkin flavored extract” as well. Love me some PFE, especially in things like…

• lattes
• Dreyer’s ice cream
• other non-latte Starbucks items
• curried goat

2) Sam Adams Octoberfest. Never actually tasted this magnificently-titled lager, but every time I pass it on the discount shelf at Winn-Dixie, I think to myself, “Meh, I really don’t like lagers.”

3) Cold weather, but not “can’t feel the nubs of my toes” cold. This morning was the first of its kind for Gainesville calendar year 2010 i.e. 57 degrees and clear as the BCS crystal that Urban Meyer pissed away Saturday night (months after faking a heart attack to buy sympathy points for his team sucking).

4) Jason Heyward is on your TV (provided you stay up past 9:47 EST. If you don’t, you’re probably part of a demographic that still cares about baseball).

5) Reggie Wayne is probably leading the NFL in yards and receptions… Wait, let’s check… Yep, he is.

6) You can legally purchase Alka Seltzer with a government-issued driver’s license. You can actually do this in all seasons, though Fall is apparently the time when clerks check to see if “I’m going to use this over-the-counter drug to make crystal meth, which I will then sell to my other white-trash friends in the hope that they are not undercover police officers.”

7) Neil Young typically releases an album with which to piss off your crank of a neighbor.

8) Reminds me of Lindsey Buckingham’s “Out of the Cradle” and how my pops played that thing to death upon its late-summer ’92 release. Brings back fond memories of a chilled Kroger parking lot in Atlanta, that biting breeze before the first snowfall… and adult contemporary pop tunes.

9) New hires… To the girl I met today at work: I sincerely apologize if what I said to you constitutes, um – how do I say this delicately – “sexual harassment.” There’s a reason I’ve yet to sign the form. In all seriousness, we should probably go out sometime, preferably when I’m not high on Dayquil.

10) Ugg/spandex combos. Hooray Kappa!

11)  Overhearing tales of misspent weekends to Alabama. Says one pledge on the bus: “They even have better Greek life than us. Three 6 Mafia played the Delta Zeta house.” To which I say, “Three Six Mafia? In a plantation-style mansion? In the heart of the South? We’re making progress, America!”

12) Less laundry on account of A) Lower temps (sweating less) and B) More drinking/studying (hygeining less).

13) Get to enjoy the ‘Canes last 3 days of semi-relevance!

14) Draper’s got another hot secretary.

15) Beverages with “spiced” in their title, and in general, the social acceptability of putting cinnamon and/or nutmeg on everything.

16) Spawned the excellent sad-sack anthem “Autumn Sweater” by excellent sadsacks Yo La Tengo. My dad’s seen them. He’s cool.

This concludes my list of things that I like about Fall. If you do not see your name above, you probably need to step up your game when the temps dip. Also, when the package of cough drops says, “Take 1 every 2 hours as symptoms persist,” this does NOT mean “eat the entire bag in 45 minutes.” I’m pretty sure a package of Halls + Sudafed + Alka Seltzer + three cups of coffee has an effect on average 24-year-olds not unlike that of 12 Natties.

Drink Nyquil. Live forever.

- Robbie