A Blog About Cows

Hello. I am a cow.

Tomorrow morning I’m interviewing one of the world’s preeminent cattle researchers on the pressing matter of, um, cow shit.

So I thought I’d share some frightening insights with you. Because I have a blog. And I can. Deal with it.

It seems as though cattle crap will ultimately be our world’s downfall, as the United States beef industry is currently responsible for methane emissions roughly equal to half of ALL Spain’s annual greenhouse gas pollution.

I don’t know what 198-million metric tons of CO-2 equivalent cow fart looks like, but I’m guessing it gives off a waft not unlike that of a post-game, sans-shower Marc Gasol.

Gross.

None of said bovine findings should surprise you, of course – this is after all the land of Suburbans, Super Sized Value Meals, Big & Tall stores, and other comparable things that make Europeans curse us when we’re on vacation disobeying their traffic laws. And I, for one, love a big, bleeding slab of ribeye as much as the next proper American. Provided it’s not from Outback. That place sucks.

What is a little startling is that the research in front of me also says that Earth will have 9 billion inhabitants by 2050, a population pop which will demand a roughly 100% increase in current agricultural output.

So here’s my first question for one Dr. Lamb: if indeed we do have 9 billion people on this great planet of ours in 40 years, don’t we have bigger things to worry about than a few million gaseous cows?

I digress.

Seems like the good people at UF Animal Sciences – Dr. Hansen, Dr. Ealy, the aforementioned Not Mike Lamb – will spend their entirely well deserved grant money:

1) developing pluripotent stem cells in cattle (yes, we can clone humans right now… with a cell from the skin on your arm… no truth to the rumor that I’m currently growing a Test-Tube Hilson in my closet)

2) adding sea shells (i.e. chitosan) to cow feed to help decompose manure w/o methane and

3) increasing trophoblast invasion so that, uh, pregnant cows’ placentas don’t cut off oxygen to the lil’ baby cows.

Or something like that.

So wish me luck tomorrow. I’ll probably sound like an idiot, but then again – as any good Mike Foley will tell you – that’s the whole trick to reporting.

- Robbie