Week 6 NFL Picks

A metaphor.

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.

It’s come to my recent attention that watching football and writing for this not-as-small-as-you-think (insert Favre joke) little blog are about the only things that I actually enjoy doing these days. I’ll spare you the orchestrated, 10-minute rant – thanks for listening, Mom – but suffice it to say that the academic setting possesses the same capacity for fulfillment and gratification as scraping pigeon sh*t off a windshield.

I really hope there’s a payoff to all this. And I hope, as Randall Gene Moss might say, it comes in straight cash, homie. At this point, stuffing my head with more half-century old “seminal theory” kind of feels like stockpiling gold in the basement or tying a treasure chest to my leg.

I’ll tell you what I really want: a one-way ticket to the Far East and a hot Asian girlfriend. I’m pretty sure I can keep a blog from Tokyo. Commence operation “Big In Japan.”

And on to the picks!

__________

Early Games

Baltimore at New England (-3)

I know New England has a Cog In The Wheel mentality – hell, Darth Hoodie could replace Tom Brady with a frying pan and still win 7 games. But cutting ties with one of the three greatest receivers of all-time doesn’t make you better, especially when you replace him with a 5-foot-9, 31-year-old who’s A) never had a 1,000-yard season B) never topped 5 regular season TDs and C) the Troy Brown of 5-foot-9, 31-year-olds not as good as Troy Brown. In other words, Deion Branch wasn’t worth Shelley Smith’s 90-second SportsCenter clip let alone a fourth-round pick. I like Aaron Hernandez. I like Brandon Tate. Just not against the Ravens.

Pick:

Kansas City at Houston (-4.5)

Maybe the Chiefs showed more in their hard-fought, 10-point road loss to Indianapolis last week than they did in their first three victories. Or maybe Indy just sucks… There’s a reason why I’m a dozen games under .500. Cognitive Dissonance, thy name is Dexter McCluster.

Pick: Kansas City

San Diego (-8.5) at St. Louis

Just when you thought the resurgent Rams might mount a darkhorse campaign in the NFC Jest, along comes the worst franchise in sports with a gift certificate for a 38-point ass-kicking. St. Louis should be demoted to the CFL for losing by five and half touchdowns to a team that’d coughed up 37 of its previous 39, but as bad as the Detroit debacle was, it… was far worse than San Diego’s meltdown in Oakland. Just know that a small piece of my soul withers every time I bet on Norv Turner.

Pick: San Diego

Detroit at New York Giants (-10)

Don’t kid yourself. The Lions are still horrible.

Pick: New York

New Orleans (-4.5) at Tampa Bay

If Josh Freeman had the pedigree of Sam Bradford, you wouldn’t be able to escape all the “bright future”/”all the tools”/”special young man”-type Jon Gruden fodder seemingly designated for… guys who played for Bob Stoops, I guess… I speak for Bryan Holt when I say, “Hmmm, this plate of crow tastes great!” The Bucs are one win away from being far less irrelevant than I’d like to think.

Pick: Tampa Bay

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-13.5)

Colt McCoy vs. Ben Roethlisberger. Too bad morality has no say. It would really make my day if A) Cleveland pulls the shocker or B) a group of virulent feminists light Heinz Field on fire. Twenty bucks and my undying respect to the Browns fan who rocks the “No Means No” T in Primanti’s this weekend.

Pick: Pittsburgh

Seattle at Chicago (-6.5)

Pete Carroll’s one more putrid Matt Hasselbeck performance away from finding out that 28-year-old Charlie Whitehurst isn’t any good either. Not at quarterbacking, anyway. Pretty sure he moved to Seattle to try out for Soundgarden.

Grunge enthusiast Whitehurst

Pick: Chicago

Miami (-0) at Green Bay

You know that Tony Sporano spent the last 10 days ripping his team a collective new one after that televised trainwreck with New England (Either that or giving special teams advice to Randy Shannon…). Call me crazy, but I think the Dolphins have the emotional fortitude to go into Green Bay and steal one from a reeling Packers squad that’s playing without the league’s best pass rusher and a quarterback still seeing double.

Pick: Miami 

Atlanta at Philadelphia (-3)

Philadelphia ranks 24th in the league in run defense. Michael Turner’s coming off a 19-carry, 140-yard performance – against Cleveland, but still. I see Atlanta pounding the middle more than I refresh Facebook when I’m lonely.

Pick: Atlanta

Late Games

Oakland at San Francisco (-6.5)

Jason Campbell gets the start for Oakland. Fine. I don’t care if Campbell Soup’s under center. San Francisco will not win this game – this unwatchable, hair-pullingly frustrating, joke of a game. I’d rather just see Singletary and Cable go toe-to-toe at midfield. I really hate the Niners, and it’s because they remind me of the Hurricanes. Proud history. Ton of expectations. Ton of totally predictable mental breakdowns and first-half cat naps. Horrible coaching. Equally inept quarterback play, and a core group of higher-ups leading the steep, spiraling, irreversible descent into total oblivion.

Pick: Oakland

New York Jets (-3) at Denver

Looks like New York’s as good as they kept telling everybody they’d be. No snarky comments here – it’s been a genuine pleasure watching the late-career rebirth of LaDainian Tomlinson and the meteoric ascent of Sanchize. The J-E-T-S move to 5-1 accomplishing what not even the vaunted Ravens D could last week: shutting down the surprisingly prolific Kyle Orton.

Pick: New York

Dallas at Minnesota (-1.5)

Stick a fork in both these teams and curse the day you chose Favre as a childhood hero and Dallas as your lifelong rooting interest. What the hell was a 6-year-old Hilson thinking?

Pick: Dallas

Sunday Night

Indianapolis (-3) at Washington

Almost choked on my Cheerios this morning when I heard Ron Jaworkski tell Kornheiser that “Peyton Manning’s showing signs of age.” Yeah, those signs being a 102 passer rating and 11 TDs. Can’t wait for TK’s Monday morning rant when his admittedly respectable ‘Skins revert to form by way of a 21-point Indy beatdown.

Pick:

Watch your back, Jerry.

Monday Night

Tennessee (-3) at Jacksonville

Gross.

Spend these godforsaken three and half hours perusing the archives at Kylerancourt.com. When his hit counter rises astronomically, he’ll know where all the awesome traffic came from.

Pick: Tennesseee

__________

Last Week: 6-8

Season: 30-44-2

- Robbie