Who Is The Better Brian Wilson?

Because somebody needed to do it.

For the last half-century, the Beach Boys’ Brian Wilson has reigned the undisputed king of Brian Wilsons. In 2008, a new challenger emerged: the San Francisco Giants’ fastball-piping, mohawk-toting, speed-eating mound monster, who’s now a mere save op away from recording the final out of the 2010 season. Can the Inglewood pop guru withstand his NorCal challenger?

A comparison is in order.

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Years Active

Brian Wilson, San Francisco: 2006-Present

Brian Wilson, Beach Boys: 1961-Present

Scouting Report

Best Pitch

Wilson, SF: Upper 90s, four-seam fastball

Wilson, BB: Falsetto

Hits Per 9

Wilson, SF: 7.9, career

Wilson, BB: 37 (Billboard Top 100 from 1962-1971… 13 Top 10s, three No. 1s)

Career Record

Wilson, SF: 14-16, 134 saves

Wilson, BB: “Heroes and Villains”

Strengths

Wilson, SF: control, slider

Wilson, BB: control, curveball (occasional jazz record)

Biggest Question Mark

Wilson, SF: Mental stability

Wilson, BB: Mental stability

Often Confused For

Wilson, SF: King Leonidas

King Leonidas

Brian Wilson

Wilson, BB: Jan and Dean

Shelved…

Wilson, SF: Career, by doctors for Tommy John surgery in 2003

Wilson, BB: “Smile,” by Mike Love and Capitol for questions over commercial viability in 1967

Definitive Biographical Account

Wilson, BB: “A Teen-Age Hymn to God,” by Jules Siegel

Wilson, SF: “Why The San Francisco Giants Are Awesome,” by Bryan Holt

Drug of Choice

Wilson, BB: Cocaine

Wilson, SF: “Whatever Timmy’s smokin”

Partner in Crime

Wilson, BB: L.A. lyricist Van Dyke Parks

Wilson, SF: Bearded bullpen bro Sergio Romo

Inadvertently Spawned the Phrase…

Wilson, SF: “Fear the beard” via Giants fans upon Wilson unveiling black facial hair

Wilson, BB: “Don’t f*ck with the formula” via Mike Love upon Wilson unveiling “Pet Sounds”

Notable Meltdown

Wilson, SF: Sent to minors after posting 7.71 ERA in ’07 spring training

Wilson, BB: Sent to therapy after hearing “A Day in the Life” in  ’67 Los Angeles

Costly Vanity Project

Wilson, SF: Bright orange spikes (fined $1,000 by MLB for “having too much awesome on my feet”)

Wilson, BB: “Good Vibrations” (charged $50,000 by multiple studios for 6-month recording period)

Biggest Influences

Wilson, BB: The Four Freshmen, Phil Spector, Chuck Berry, The Beatles

Wilson, SF: punk rock, Ricky Vaughn, Rod Beck, Imaginary friend “The Machine”

Harshest Critics

Wilson, SF: High school teachers, who allegedly kicked him out of class for arguing

Wilson, BB: Abusive father Murry, who allegedly smacked him with a 2×4 for arguing

Favorite Prop

Wilson, SF: Vintage ’80s cellphone employed for taping of “Jim Rome Is Burning”

Wilson, BB: Plastic fire helmet employed for taping of “Fire!”

Physical Quirk

Wilson, SF: Mullethawk/beard

Wilson, BB: deaf in right ear

Small Screen Debut

Wilson, SF: “Life of Brian: Episode 1″ (First aired May 10, 2009 on CSN Bay Area)

Wilson, BB: “The Jack Benny Hour” (First aired November 3, 1965 on NBC)

Early Career Rival

Wilson, SF: Armando Benitez

Wilson, BB: John Lennon

Seamlessly Transitions

Wilson, SF: from setup man Jeremy Affeldt

Wilson, BB: “Our Prayer” to “Gee”

Cut Teeth in

Wilson, SF: Southeastern Conference, the South Atlantic League, Triple A Fresno

Wilson, BB: Carl And The Passions, The Pendletones, church choir

Sports Connections

Wilson, SF: multiple

Wilson, BB: quarterback, baseball player and cross-country runner at Hawthorne High School… Timberwolves power forward Kevin Love is distant cousin

Music Connections

Wilson, BB: multiple

Wilson, SF: teammate of folk singer Barry Zito

Dietary Staples

Wilson, SF: sunflower seeds, Red Bull

Wilson, BB: “Vegetables”

Proof of Genius

Wilson, BB: Could repeat melody to “When the Caissons Go Rolling Along” at nine months old

Wilson, SF: Became certified ninja in dream

Biggest Accolade

Wilson, SF: Giants’ single-season saves record (48, tied with Rod Beck)

Wilson, BB: Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of All Time (“Pet Sounds” at 2, one behind “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”)

All-Star Appearances

Wilson, SF: Two – 2008, 2010 (National League)

Wilson, BB: Two – 1985, 2007 (Live Aid, Kennedy Center Honors)

Hall of Fame

Wilson, SF: No

Wilson, BB: Yes (1988)

———-

Who do you think is the better Brian Wilson? Weigh in below.

- Robbie

College Football? Yeah, College Football: Week 9

Oh hell yes, America.

If you don’t include last night’s “oh hey look, Brian Wilson is awesome” video post, I haven’t written anything for SC in almost two weeks. I can blame many things for this catastrophe. School, work, election season. But another major cause has also been a little case of writer’s block.

Yes, I planned to return from midterm hell with a post more self-centered and pointless than ever, but all I could come up with were a couple of additions to SC’s pantheon of unfinished and unpublished posts. Maybe one day when were famous and assasinated, they can publish these unfinished posts into some kind of best-selling book. You know, like a blogging Tupac. Thankfully, it’s time for some college football.

Anyways, things have looked slightly up in the overall spectrum of college football since the last time I sat down to contribute to this semi-weekly series. Ohio State lost, Boise seems poised to whine about getting shafted again (HA!) and an SEC team is on top. The negatives are of course the OBC’s first ever loss to Kentucky and the general well-being of my Florida Gators. We’ll get to the Gators later, but for now I need to address the impending weekend.

It’s time for the 2010 rendition of The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, dammit, and if you’re not excited it means your either A- Robbie Hilson, B- A miserable, miserable person, or C- living in a place significantly less cool than the southeast.

Also, if you don’t refer to it as The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, there’s a good chance that you’re the kind of person that uses the term African-American on a daily basis or helped chase Colonel Reb out of Ole Miss or is on a mission to destroy the Washington Redskins. Get off your politically correct high horse and grab a beer!

As a football game, Florida and Georgia is probably one of the least anticipated match-ups of the week. Both teams have seemingly base jumped off of Mount Everest sans parachute. But if anything, that apathetic fact will only make the weekend better.

One more fun fact before I jump into picks, it has come to my attention that I am absolutely horrendous at picking college football games. Like seriously, Kobe Bryant is better at choosing what girl he should take up to his hotel room than I am at picking the winners of college football games. So take these with a grain of salt, or maybe even that is too much.

16 Florida State at NC State

Thursday night games are an absolute death trap for visiting teams, especially when the home team is the underdog. Plus, FSU has seemed to make a habit of losing to NC State over the years in games where they really need to beat them. WINNER: Wolfpack

22 Miami at Virginia

I’m pretty sure that Robbie has moved on from cheering for this ‘Canes team to pulling whole-heartedly against them in hopes of Randy Shannon getting the boot. My thoughts? This method of rooting interest will make the remainder of the season much more tolerable for him. WINNER: Virginia

Tennessee at 20 South Carolina

I’m not allowed to make Derek Dooley jokes, but I’m sure OBC will have one or two crafted up for his press conference. His victory press conference. WINNER: Gamecocks

Tulsa at Notre Dame

The Vatican Army is in deep, deep trouble. A 20-year-old student video assistant died on Wednesday after the Irish thought it’d be a lovely idea to sit him atop a tower amid winds of over 50 mph to film practice. The 50-foot tower fell over, bringing a helpless Declan Sullivan with it. Yes, this tower was only made to fight winds up to 25 mph and the Irish have an indoor practice facility. Yes, Brian Kelly and friends made all the nice “what a great kid, so sad” statements after it happened but that was probably only a couple hours after they told the kid to get up there because it’s his job. His thoughts were thrown up on Twitter where some of his final words were typed out “Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t. This is terrifying.” about 30 minutes before the fall. I bet Father Cavanaugh is pissed. WINNER: Tulsa. Seriously, Notre Dame, go away.

5 Michigan State at 18 Iowa

Get excited, farmer tan-clad white people. It’s the Big 10 game of the week! Michigan State is somehow still undefeated which should be a giant mystery to all. This has to end in the corn fields of Iowa, right? WINNER: Hawkeyes

6 Missouri at 14 Nebraska

Few things are more mind-numbing than leaving your television on ESPN2 for too long in the morning and coming home from an early morning class to see Skip Bayless on the screen bickering with Nelly. A couple of weeks ago, Bayless proclaimed that Nebraska had a 100 percent chance of making it to the BCS National Championship Game. That obviously didn’t pan out too well for him, so this morning it was on to new man-crush, Missouri. Expect this one to turn out the same way. WINNER: Huskers

Florida at Georgia

The winner of this game still has a chance to win the SEC East, but that says a lot more about the SEC East right now than it does either of these teams. This is the worst Gator team that has taken the field since 1979 when the Gators failed to win a single game. Yes, this team is worse than the Zook teams. Urban Meyer has absolutely no control over this squad and it shows on the field and off. The arrests were easy to ignore and laugh at when Gainesville was Titletown, but it’s a little harder after three straight losses. The Gators have become the FSU “Creminole” teams of the 1990s that we used to make fun of. Well, minus the talent. This week marks the likely return of Chris Rainey, six weeks removed from felony charges of aggravated stalking, while Cam Newton is a Heisman Trophy favorite at Auburn. The blame of this season falls solely on the coaches, in my opinion. There isn’t a single facet of the Gators that looks to have proper guidance. Now Addazio claims the offense might be “better suited” for John Brantley after the bye week? Shouldn’t that have been done, uh, before the season started? Not like it will help. The story of this game is simple. Georgia’s headed in an improved direction after a slow start. The Gators are doing the opposite. WINNER: Bulldogs

1 Auburn at Ole Miss

Remember when Cam Newton was the biggest idiot in America for getting kicked out of UF during the golden era of UF football? He doesn’t either. Led by the most dangerous player in college football right now, Auburn simply looks unstoppable. WINNER: Tigers

"The Florida what?" - Cam Newton

13 Stanford at Washington

Has anything in college football been more anti-climatic than the Jake Locker hype? He hasn’t been any kind of phenomenal badass, but he also hasn’t bombed to any point where we can laugh at him. Sure, he’ll be a solid pro prospect. But right now, everything about him just screams, ehh. WINNER: The Fightin’ Trees

25 Baylor at Texas

Something tells me this is not what anybody in Austin signed up for this year. The Longhorns are dreadful and are now amongst the also-rans of Texas college football. Yep, throw them in there with Tech and A&M and virtually everyone except TCU. A loss to Baylor at home would be pretty damn symbolic of this season. WINNER: Baylor

2 Oregon at USC

I am in the club of people hoping desperately that Oregon and Auburn are on a collision course for the National Championship Game. Oh yeah, and Lane Kiffin pees sitting down. WINNER: Quack

4 TCU at UNLV

I respect TCU far more than I do Boise State, but games like this kinda make me wonder why. WINNER: TCU

Off to Jacksonville.

-Bryan

Why the San Francisco Giants are Awesome

Fear the Beard, pre-beard

The Giants just wrapped up Game 1 of the World Series. Here’s video evidence of why YOU should be excited by it.

Quick 7th Inning Note: Giants fans sang passionately along with “God Bless America” even though roughly 90 percent of the city is anti-God and America. Strong work, San Francisco!

Tim “Long Hair Don’t Care” Lincecum

The initial claim to fame.

What happens when you ask Tim Lincecum if he’d like some alcohol.

Pablo “Kung Fu Panda” Sandoval

The nickname says it all.

Okay, this was really just an excuse to post Brian Wilson videos. If you have a problem with that, well, you’re just not cool.

Brian “Fear the Beard” Wilson

The birth of The Machine.

The Rome Appearance

Yes, he can even make Chris Rose watchable, almost.

No fan of the first dog.

And one final reason why you should be pulling for the Giants…

Ginger Ale

Weak

-Bryan

NFL Couch Potato Takeaways: Week 7

"Reunited and it feels so good"

Didn’t actually spend any time on my couch this weekend. Take the following with a grain of salt.

So I spent the first hour of this morning’s theory class pontificating on the oh-so-important [40 years ago] knowledge gap hypothesis. I spent the second and third hours scribbling football notes and drawing cartoon profiles of Jon Beason. Needless to say, it’s good to be living in the now, as opposed to living in the 10 hours ago. And kudos to today’s Dr. So-and-So guest speaker. You, sir, made me look like a regular Steve Ballmer.

Also like to send a shoutout to UF Polisci legend, possible undercover fascist and all-around German Thomas Biebricher, who gave me a excellent public speaking tip for which I’ve yet found a trump: If you want people’s attention, go tight pants/no underwear.

And we’re off!

• Big D’s complete and absolute self-combustion in a mere six weeks leaves me no other choice but to throw my full rooting interests behind the Lewis-Reed helmed Baltimore Ravens. Yes, it’s true, I shed a small tear upon watching Instincts force a fumble on his very first series back from a crippling hip injury, and then spent the subsequent three hours intermittently waking my downstairs neighbor from her afternoon nap. Ed “The ‘E’ and ‘S’ in Sports Casualties Are Blocking Out My Sexy Mug” Reed picked off two passes in his first game in almost 10 months, and on a day when a number of ‘Canes shined (see Gore, McIntosh, Moss), his exploits paled only in comparison to this freakshow:

• It’s becoming quite clear to me that, should the Ravens win a ring in the next year or two, Lewis and Reed will go down as the greatest defensive 1-2 combo in the history of the League. Now, we all know that Ray Ray is notable for a lot of things – inspiring the ”Robb Hilson ‘Do Rag” chief among them. But consistently dominating opposing offenses in year fifteen at the age of 35 may be this man’s crowning achievement. How long can he keep doing this? Butkus was out of the league by 31, LT by 34 (and out of gas by 32). RayLew, meanwhile, is busy gunning for a third-straight All-Pro season. On Sunday, he racked up 15 tackles, a sack, and did this…

Where there’s a will (and 255 pounds)…

• Piggybacking on the former point, Lewis is still the best linebacker in the NFL and there should be no whispers otherwise. With due respect to Pat Willis, my numero uno can’t play for a 1-6 team and, more to the point, can’t be named “Pat.”

• Seattle’s Mike Williams has 21 catches in his last two games. Yeah, that Mike Williams – the guy who made one of the greatest one-handed catches in college history, the guy who hasn’t played a professional football game in three years. Just goes to show what a change of scenery, a familiar face, and a slap on the ass can do for a guy’s self-confidence. Best story of the year by a mile.

• ^^Detroit is where careers go to die.

• It’s encouraging for an academically-inclined school like The U that Harvard can put a star quarterback in the National Football League. Maybe one day we, too, will find a quarterback capable of throwing a 15-yard out. By the way, Buffalo’s Ryan Fitzpatrick is the league’s highest rated quarterback since week 17 of last season. In those seven games, he’s thrown 14 touchdowns and 4 interceptions. Jacory Harris is rocking a 14-10 in his last seven.

• Felt two gaping holes in my Sunday afternoon – one from “Mad Men” and the other from Rex Ryan. The Ryan one was bigger. Obviously.

• Has anybody ever thrown for 400 yards and three TDs after flatlining?

Dead cat bounce.

• If New York’s no-name trifecta of Hakeem Nicks, Mario Manningham and The Other Steve Smith played in Dallas, they’d be hands-down the “best wide receiver corps in the league.” Nicks, in particular, abused the Cowboys’ Mike Jenkins Sunday night, which I’m sure, having played under Jim Leavitt, is something Mike is used to.

• In honor of Jordan Shipley’s first career 100-yard game, fellow undersized-white-man Bryan Holt downed an extra whiskey-water as prep for next day’s Spanish class. Es bueno ser pequeño y blanco, mi amigo!

- Robbie

A Playlist For Gainesville Monday Mornings

As always, the vibe we're going for.

For other free and illegally downloadable songs, click here.

You know as well as I do that the best part of waking up… is Folgers in your cup. But cranking inspirational tunes on the Sorrority Row 127 while innocuously checking out smokin’ hot co-eds isn’t far behind.

If you’re like me, when you step on that bus at 7:25 in the AM, you’re hoping for two things and two things alone 1) hot girls (obviously) and 2) a charged iPod with a queued-up playlist.

Since the next 8 1/2 hours are probably going to suck loads of paper-pushing ass, said playlist should evoke an especially rousing, seize-the-day kind of mentality and prepare you to conquer all manner of burdens your fellow co-workers will willingly heap at your feet.

Got you covered.

The following compilation is just as mightily moving as a typical Thursday playlist, but it’s not as aggressively loud and makes you want to run through a wall. As opposed to a blonde.

And with that little joke for Bryan Holt… let’s do this.

__________

Finest Worksong REM: Are you kidding me? Pretty much exactly how it reads, except with more backing vox. The part at 2:35 gives me serious chills. Pretty sure the chorus was shot out of a cannon.

Got To Get You Into My Life The Beatles: The only way this blog could get any bigger is if we were sued by Paul McCartney. Download at all costs!!

White Collar Boy Belle & Sebastian: If this one doesn’t put a smile on your face, you probably don’t… wear cardigans.

No Lucifer British Sea Power: Fully prepared to call it the very best track of 2008. As I not-so-memorably wrote in a review for the Alligator: “This song kick’s Satan’s ass.”

Ride A Black Swan Zwan: It’s pretty simple: if you don’t like Zwan, we can’t be friends. Ask my sister.

Nothing’severgonnastandinmyway (Again) Wilco: Almost chose the equally melodic “I’m Always In Love“, but Motherfly hates that song. Apparently not a big fan of abrasive synth riffs… Here’s the cut that made me like sad-sack Jeff Tweedy. Brian Wilson (of “Pet Sounds” – not NLCS – fame) couldn’t pull off better harmonies.

Beautiful Day U2: You know it well – the song that saved U2′s career/makes your heart want to explode. I think my aunt loves it, too.

Star Sign Teenage Fanclub: Penned by a bunch of dreary lads from Glasgow. Go figure. Made the Fannies big in Japan… Choice lyric: “Given time, these things will change”

Date With Ikea Pavement: So the conversation went something like this:

Steve: “What the hell have you ever done for this band?”

Scott: “Stick this in your pipe. And smoke it.”

Sick Of Myself Matthew Sweet: You know by now that hyperbole has a death grip on this young mind, but I really do believe this is one of the five best singles of the ’90s. Fun fact: punk legends Robert Quine (Voidoids/Lou Reed) and Richard Lloyd (Television) play guitar. And on this song! Sweet would be famous in a just world. Instead, we just named cow brains after him.

Somewhere In Ohio The Jayhawks: Wonder if I would’ve discovered this band on my own had my p-dre overlooked the “soaring power pop” market. Kudos to you, Pops, for being cooler than most people your age (37).

Love Runs Deeper Lindsey Buckingham: Fully aware that Journalism bestie Hilary Lehman and I are the only under-40s who appreciate Bucky’s solo career… Every bit as good as “Go Your Own Way“. Yeah, I said it.

Have a fantastic tomorrow. See you Thursday.

- Robbie

A Blog About Cows

Hello. I am a cow.

Tomorrow morning I’m interviewing one of the world’s preeminent cattle researchers on the pressing matter of, um, cow shit.

So I thought I’d share some frightening insights with you. Because I have a blog. And I can. Deal with it.

It seems as though cattle crap will ultimately be our world’s downfall, as the United States beef industry is currently responsible for methane emissions roughly equal to half of ALL Spain’s annual greenhouse gas pollution.

I don’t know what 198-million metric tons of CO-2 equivalent cow fart looks like, but I’m guessing it gives off a waft not unlike that of a post-game, sans-shower Marc Gasol.

Gross.

None of said bovine findings should surprise you, of course – this is after all the land of Suburbans, Super Sized Value Meals, Big & Tall stores, and other comparable things that make Europeans curse us when we’re on vacation disobeying their traffic laws. And I, for one, love a big, bleeding slab of ribeye as much as the next proper American. Provided it’s not from Outback. That place sucks.

What is a little startling is that the research in front of me also says that Earth will have 9 billion inhabitants by 2050, a population pop which will demand a roughly 100% increase in current agricultural output.

So here’s my first question for one Dr. Lamb: if indeed we do have 9 billion people on this great planet of ours in 40 years, don’t we have bigger things to worry about than a few million gaseous cows?

I digress.

Seems like the good people at UF Animal Sciences – Dr. Hansen, Dr. Ealy, the aforementioned Not Mike Lamb – will spend their entirely well deserved grant money:

1) developing pluripotent stem cells in cattle (yes, we can clone humans right now… with a cell from the skin on your arm… no truth to the rumor that I’m currently growing a Test-Tube Hilson in my closet)

2) adding sea shells (i.e. chitosan) to cow feed to help decompose manure w/o methane and

3) increasing trophoblast invasion so that, uh, pregnant cows’ placentas don’t cut off oxygen to the lil’ baby cows.

Or something like that.

So wish me luck tomorrow. I’ll probably sound like an idiot, but then again – as any good Mike Foley will tell you – that’s the whole trick to reporting.

- Robbie

Gator Nation Rethinking Personal Brand, Y’all

Feelin sad for Gator Nation

Just want them 2 help me get a job/find a unique personal brand to exploit 4 money

Just wanna be able 2 go 2 second floor of Westie and “reserve a multimedia” room 2 practice my “group presentation” on a theory that failed to be relevant to culture/society/America/the world, but is still being taught by “communications graduate programs” because it is “seminal”

Just don’t want the guy on the third floor to tell me “our reservation system is temporarily down. come back again next year when we might have it up. and also, haha i can do nothing to help u”

Just want the guy on the third floor to admit “i’m making $23/hour just for sitting at this desk because nobody checks out ‘books’ anymore b/c steve jobs is ‘making my job disposable’. maybe I can use my ample time and bright purple shirt and pants up to 3-inches above my navel to help this young man, but instead I’ll say, ‘there’s nothing i can do to help you reserve a multimedia room 4 monday at 4:15 b/c we don’t have the protocol/infrastructure/bureaucracy in place’”

Even if I’m a grad student?

Especially if you’re a graduate student

Feel like ‘picking the low hanging fruit’ should be more popular phraze in apple orchards than ifas conference rooms.

Starting to think that gator nation has lost its grip on America via not having anyone ‘write great american novel/cure cancer’, but instead focusing on losing 3 football games/doing away with spread offense/giving Urban Legend heart palpitations

sometimes i think that i have more stress than urban meyer.

sometimes i think that 20 years of school/20 years of A’s makes me want to quit school/stop getting As/become baker in France.

Wonder if France has higher/lower unemployment for 18-24 y-olds than 20.4%?

Wonder if French schools teach u 2 get newspaper or ‘old media’ jobs even tho these don’t exist?

Maybe the college of communications should go back-2 using typewriters for writing on papyrus 2 present a more ‘consistent brand’

Was Bryan Holt right when he said, “i do not like green eggs and ham. i’m moving to TV where I will have a job/be around better looking people”?

Feeling like there’s no money in ‘doing what you love’ unless doing what u luv involves microbiology/cellular reduction technology/running 4.2 40.

should have been born taller w/ longer wingspan… want 2 b able 2 dunk on y’all

Starting to rethink this whole ‘grad school’ thing. starting to question it like i’m starting 2 question choice of posts

worrying right now that my pops <via fatherhood> doesn’t read hipsterrunoff, worrying that he stopped reading/has no context for lack of punctuation/writing style

thought about finishing ‘week 7 nfl picks’ but just got so frustrated working w/ ‘other grad students’ who have 1-track minds <via loving theory>. just wanted to do something different.

just want to b different.

Does it bother you that phD students are PhD students so that they can be professors? So that they can teach more theory? So that they can pursue a career in ‘promoting stagnation’.

It’s a never-ending cycle, y’all. Feel like atreyu in ‘never ending story.’ it ‘goes on it goes on it goes on’

just want to b like kevin arnold in neverending story so i can join a buzzband/work at mcdonalds.

Wonder if harvard/princeton/rice/private school with resources is rethinking personal brand via ‘treating students like shit’/teaching old ways way of doing things’ or whether they are forward thinking and creating 2morrow’s world leaders that will ‘be my boss’s boss one day.

just want to think of a better, faster, stronger, more daft punk-inspired internet meme than ‘sports casualties’ so that i can be ‘more relevant’. wonder if they make steroids/hgh for internet memes.

wonder who the roger clemens of internet memes is?

just want to learn html 5 or php so that i can be ‘valuable 2 society’

aren’t we all just trying to be more ‘relevant’ within our own social circles, so that we can lead our own social circles into mutual agreements with other, more cooler/better social circles?

prolly shoud’ve gone to ‘the u’ <via 5 national championships>. feel like they were well prepared for losing 3 football games (and more than 3 football games) via an outstanding demonstration of academic prowess.

just want to go 2 ‘the u’/be bad at football, but hold my degree up and say proudly ‘i am number 47th overall in the country!”

really just want to start a blogging empire with offthestands, thezebraowl, kylerancourt.com. just want to have a rat pack of bloggers and be ‘relevant in the buzzosphere’.

i want 2 create buzz 4 a living.

no-grain-no-pain can join 2 even tho she writes about health. maybe she can be ‘buzzosphere secretary of health/gluten free meals/casual fridays’

'all 2morrow's parties (will serve tofu hotdogs)'

i am sorry for writing this, bryan. i will buy you a budweiser/PBR/other beverage that signifies ‘america in a bottle’ as repayment for letting me write this. thank you for letting me write this <via not being a dictatorial editor like the woman i work for (via saying ‘i don’t love it’ a lot and not offering constructive feedback)>

also, sorry 4 using ‘smokin’ hot’ 2 often and 4 talking about azian girls 2 much.

love asian girls.

love u asian girls.

just want to talk 2 The Girl in the Blue Dress on Thursdays. she looks normal standing in line for coffee in einsteins at 8thirty on tuesday morning. but she is beautiful on thursday nights, even tho she is not Asian.

To The Girl in the Blue Dress: i love the way u put your hair in a bun/your eyes.

when will my professor realize that the newspaper has no intrinsic value over the iPad? When will she realize that once poor people <via low socioeconomic status> have iPads from food stamps, that the newspaper will cease to exist?

I want 2 tell her ‘newspapers are dead’.

My sister, who was being born in 1991, has never ever picked up a newspaper in her life. not because she ‘is apathetic’ or ‘socially unaware’, but b/c she is ‘young’ <via being 19>. just 5 years younger. and yet, the newspaper is ‘dead to her/never even existed’

hope my sister supports me <via money/iPad food stamps> when she gets a web design job like skhot. maybe she’ll send me checks when i’m sitting in my cave writing on papyrus for the 12 ppl who ‘read newspapers religiously/like the feel of newspaper/think technology is from ‘the pit of hell and or satan’.

feel like these people might be in ‘weimer hall’

just wanna be a hipster and move to new york. just want to be a baker in france. just want 2 b ‘more relevant’

I want to tell you that i’m sitting here ‘on campus’ under a tree, using wi-fi that google gave me for free. bet larry page didn’t go to a communications collge.

mr. page, can i sell you a newspaper?

I’m trying to be ‘more positive about my long-term prospects’ theze days. i want to believe in hope/change/’universal health care 4 rich ppl’, but just 2 busy looking for a more marketable personal brand than ‘saying hi to u when u walk into Wal-Mart’.

do you have a job? are you happy with your level of relevance in proportion 2 the ppl around you on thursday nights?

week 7 nfl picks, you can wait my friend.

when led zeppelin wrote ‘communication breakdown’, were they talking about

just want to be better than a stale immitation of another blog. just want to spell ‘imitation’ right/have ‘automatic corrective type-function’ on my iPhone.

I’m reconsidering my personal brand, y’all. want to b a chill bro, but want ppl to ‘hear my voice’ as well. I want to change the world like barack obama.

I luv u, barack. you seem to be a down-to-earth bro. just wish u were a ‘better president’.

2night i’m going to a halloween party. i wanted to be a newspaper, but i’d probably just sit there in the corner with other ppl who dressed up as newspapers – waiting desperately for someone to come ‘pick me up’ <via metaphors> – but really just watching the vampires and pumpkins talk to the people who dressed up as ‘the cloud’/'apple products’/'wi-fi’/'laptops’

adopt me, steve jobs.

Uncle Steve

just want this to be the longest post ever. maybe then it will stand out. maybe then it will ‘be relevant’ in relation to the other 306 posts. bryan, we forgot to pat ourselves on the back for post 300. Congratulations 2 me/bryan.

maybe now is the time to be the Jerry McGuire of ‘bloggable’ memos. maybe now it is time to stay up all night and tell ppl ‘you are thinking about this all wrong/you will be left behind if you don’t change/you have been left behind already’

1 day, i will do something great.

1 day, i will be relevant 2.

robles.

Taking the Collision Out of “Collision Sport”

Pat White, ex-football player

The NFL: Where double standards are born.

Make no mistake: there is no easy way out of this mess. The quagmire in which the National Football League finds itself in 2010 is not unlike that of Big Tobacco 60 years ago.

Everybody loves your product. Turns out it’s a killer.

Of course, after a smack on the mouth from the American Cancer Society, the likes of Phillip Morris didn’t just light their multi-billion dollar product on fire (well…).

Instead they pushed a “better, safer” brand: one that took some of the buyer’s remorse out of destroying yourself – that maybe removed a fraction of the poison so you’d compensate with extra smokes.

Fast forward a half century. Professional football is the lifeblood of American sports, and probably too, of America. It is BIG to the tune of $9 billion in annual revenue with a stated goal of almost three times that by 2027. It is pervasive like oxygen is pervasive. And it is more toxic than we could’ve ever imagined.

So on the one hand, business-savvy owners backed in-full by Roger Goodell and his legion of yes-men pedal an agenda of more, more, more made possible in no small part by a 90-year legacy of violence. These are, after all, the power-brokers who made their names off Jack Tatums, “slobberknockers,” and popular TV segments called “Jacked Up!”

On the other hand? Science – lab rats hellbent on ruining a good thing by cutting open human brains and speaking in not-so-hushed tones of “early onset Alzheimer’s” and other equally chilling buzzwords.

The difference between Tobacco and the NFL is that the guys calling the shots for The Shield really do care about this blood on their hands. For most of these lawyers, suits and merchants, watching Todd Heap’s helmet shatter from the blow of a head-hunting free safety is enough to temporarily quease the stomach and provoke – no pun intended – whiplash reaction.

But James Harrison, bless his soul, makes $13 million a year, and more problematically, has a since-Pee Wee pedigree of inflicting hurt and pain. Docking him a measly $75,000 for catching Mohamed Massaquoi with a forearm shiver to the jaw won’t deter him from trying the same thing next week. Nor should it. Bloodsport is the game he signed up to play. Penalizing him for collision is like taking the lions out of the Colosseum.

Now the Player’s Association is in an uproar seemingly in spite of itself. The League’s new rules are, in the end, a product preservation measure. However, they’re also a hypocritical act of leverage designed to give owners the upper hand in collective bargaining negotiations.

Look, we made you safer. Here’s two more games.

Just today, after a weekend of destructive head-shots not unlike most other weekends, the NFL stopped selling its League-licensed photos of illegal hits.

No longer yours for the low, low price of $54.95

Yes: Up until Wednesday, Oct. 20, the National Football League profited from the very behavior it’s so suddenly trying to eradicate. Certainly, though, they’ve known of – even espoused – the medical perils before this fateful Sunday, and so the photo issue is just a small bead in the string of double standards intended to make this increasingly inviable thing viable.

Think of the tobacco companies. Now imagine if they had to sponsor their own TRUTH ads…

“They’re not taught to put the guy down gently. They’re taught to knock the snot out of him,” says Bob Ryan. And along with the deep-seated culture of brutality, there’s the equally daunting specter of evolution that will inevitably render any protective guidelines moot.

For all the obscure hypotheses as to why concussion are now so pervasive, there’s absolutely no getting around the fact that today’s players are bigger, stronger, and faster – that collisions occur in fractions of fractions of seconds. That if you’re aiming for the sternum, you could very well end up at the chin. These things are indisputable: athletes change, field size does not; and if common sense doesn’t apply, the laws of physics certainly do.

The social acceptability of death-by-game is on solid footing now, but its ground is surely shaking. Just as cigarettes have been sanitized, filtered, and in many instance outlawed altogether, so too will tackle football eventually succumb to watered-down treatments on the way out of America’s collective sports conscious. They’ll still be playing football 50 years from now. Probably on a barge. Probably, to the delight of Mike Ditka, without helmets.

- Robbie

Busted Teeth in La-La Land: A ‘Mad Men’ Finale Recap

Don Effin' Draper

Damn. Damn. Damn.

Shame on me for still having any faith in Don Draper. I guess this is what you get when you place even a thimble’s-worth of trust in a serial-philandering identity thief.

But f*ck, Don… Megan? The secretary with the picket fence jutting from her mouth? The girl – emphasize girl - you’ve spent a combined three nights with? Don’t you know you can’t plug a dam with your finger, or more feebly, that plastic-looking “heirloom” you pawned off as an engagement ring?

Look, I like Megan. She’s hot. She speaks hella French. Loves the kids. Pulls off a see-through nighty like nobody’s business. Girl’s got some phone skills, too, and I can live with the teeth issue (that, by the way, was such a 32-tusked elephant in the room that Matty Weiner actually felt the need to address it…).

Problem is… Lord, what isn’t the problem? The entire trajectory of season 4 pointed to some kind of ambiguous redemption for Mr. Draper: something that, for the coming 9-month layover anyway, would give us something to grasp on to - to hold up and say, “See! He’s not just a cowardly asshole!”

Redemption, most obviously, took the form of Dr. Faye, who by all accounts was the perfect woman for Don – beautiful, confident, loyal, got her own career, not afraid to have fun in the backseat of a Manhattan cab. Of course, she got the shaft (no pun intended) after she let her reclamation project spend a week in Los Angeles with his secretary. Bad move, Faye.

The One That Got Away

The five of them (Don + Megan + 3 children… men are scum) sure looked the part, and per usual, the finale practically popped off the screen. The shot of Draper strutting into Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank stood out in its impeccable Americana sheen, but the rest of Cali – all decked out in palm trees, plaid suits and itty-bitty yellow polka dot bikinis – held up remarkably well.

As did SDCP, which one might have expected to land some monster account or reach an equally massive Chapter 7 tipping point. Instead, we settle for irresolute middle ground and probably, too, just a few lines of reflective explanation when we’re jettisoned back into Madison Ave’s new cancer-combatting kingpin.

I think most, like me and The Suze, anticipated one of two finale cameos: either Sal to salvage Lucky Strike via forbidden love or Conrad Hilton to save Don with a hotel empire and a swift kick in the ass. No luck. But hey, at least we got the buzzkilling heroin addict the episode before.

Bummer.

Speaking of which, I fully expect Betty to be in the full throes of a divorce proceeding by the time we re-up for ’67. I never thought I’d say this, but Henry – the guy that carried on an affair with a married woman and then stole the husband’s house – is way too good for her. She’s a child, say the not-so-veiled allusions… but she’s also a bitch. And if I’m Sally Draper, I’m planning my escape — preferably to a deserted farm in upstate New York.

The other hit-you-over-the-head life maxims were these: 1) Life for work is no life at all (Ken’s lone contribution) and 2) “There is no fresh start,” courtesy of the surprisingly lucid Henry.

There’s also that whole thing about “fake the abortion if you accidently get impregnated by your ex-flame when your husband’s in Vietnam so said husband thinks he’s coming back home to his own child and thus has some reason to wake up in the morning even when he’s just had his leg blown off.” But that doesn’t really fit into a maxim.

So there. We’ve skipped most of the racial strife (because, erm, there is none?) and dodged Beatlemania with a tossed-off reference to Shea. I’m sure other things happened in 1965, but I’m still stuck on Don. Turns out he’s no different than anyone else – just a really horny f*ck-up trying to find his way in this world.

Maybe next year, Don. Maybe next year.

- Robbie

Week 6 NFL Picks

A metaphor.

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.

It’s come to my recent attention that watching football and writing for this not-as-small-as-you-think (insert Favre joke) little blog are about the only things that I actually enjoy doing these days. I’ll spare you the orchestrated, 10-minute rant – thanks for listening, Mom – but suffice it to say that the academic setting possesses the same capacity for fulfillment and gratification as scraping pigeon sh*t off a windshield.

I really hope there’s a payoff to all this. And I hope, as Randall Gene Moss might say, it comes in straight cash, homie. At this point, stuffing my head with more half-century old “seminal theory” kind of feels like stockpiling gold in the basement or tying a treasure chest to my leg.

I’ll tell you what I really want: a one-way ticket to the Far East and a hot Asian girlfriend. I’m pretty sure I can keep a blog from Tokyo. Commence operation “Big In Japan.”

And on to the picks!

__________

Early Games

Baltimore at New England (-3)

I know New England has a Cog In The Wheel mentality – hell, Darth Hoodie could replace Tom Brady with a frying pan and still win 7 games. But cutting ties with one of the three greatest receivers of all-time doesn’t make you better, especially when you replace him with a 5-foot-9, 31-year-old who’s A) never had a 1,000-yard season B) never topped 5 regular season TDs and C) the Troy Brown of 5-foot-9, 31-year-olds not as good as Troy Brown. In other words, Deion Branch wasn’t worth Shelley Smith’s 90-second SportsCenter clip let alone a fourth-round pick. I like Aaron Hernandez. I like Brandon Tate. Just not against the Ravens.

Pick:

Kansas City at Houston (-4.5)

Maybe the Chiefs showed more in their hard-fought, 10-point road loss to Indianapolis last week than they did in their first three victories. Or maybe Indy just sucks… There’s a reason why I’m a dozen games under .500. Cognitive Dissonance, thy name is Dexter McCluster.

Pick: Kansas City

San Diego (-8.5) at St. Louis

Just when you thought the resurgent Rams might mount a darkhorse campaign in the NFC Jest, along comes the worst franchise in sports with a gift certificate for a 38-point ass-kicking. St. Louis should be demoted to the CFL for losing by five and half touchdowns to a team that’d coughed up 37 of its previous 39, but as bad as the Detroit debacle was, it… was far worse than San Diego’s meltdown in Oakland. Just know that a small piece of my soul withers every time I bet on Norv Turner.

Pick: San Diego

Detroit at New York Giants (-10)

Don’t kid yourself. The Lions are still horrible.

Pick: New York

New Orleans (-4.5) at Tampa Bay

If Josh Freeman had the pedigree of Sam Bradford, you wouldn’t be able to escape all the “bright future”/”all the tools”/”special young man”-type Jon Gruden fodder seemingly designated for… guys who played for Bob Stoops, I guess… I speak for Bryan Holt when I say, “Hmmm, this plate of crow tastes great!” The Bucs are one win away from being far less irrelevant than I’d like to think.

Pick: Tampa Bay

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-13.5)

Colt McCoy vs. Ben Roethlisberger. Too bad morality has no say. It would really make my day if A) Cleveland pulls the shocker or B) a group of virulent feminists light Heinz Field on fire. Twenty bucks and my undying respect to the Browns fan who rocks the “No Means No” T in Primanti’s this weekend.

Pick: Pittsburgh

Seattle at Chicago (-6.5)

Pete Carroll’s one more putrid Matt Hasselbeck performance away from finding out that 28-year-old Charlie Whitehurst isn’t any good either. Not at quarterbacking, anyway. Pretty sure he moved to Seattle to try out for Soundgarden.

Grunge enthusiast Whitehurst

Pick: Chicago

Miami (-0) at Green Bay

You know that Tony Sporano spent the last 10 days ripping his team a collective new one after that televised trainwreck with New England (Either that or giving special teams advice to Randy Shannon…). Call me crazy, but I think the Dolphins have the emotional fortitude to go into Green Bay and steal one from a reeling Packers squad that’s playing without the league’s best pass rusher and a quarterback still seeing double.

Pick: Miami 

Atlanta at Philadelphia (-3)

Philadelphia ranks 24th in the league in run defense. Michael Turner’s coming off a 19-carry, 140-yard performance – against Cleveland, but still. I see Atlanta pounding the middle more than I refresh Facebook when I’m lonely.

Pick: Atlanta

Late Games

Oakland at San Francisco (-6.5)

Jason Campbell gets the start for Oakland. Fine. I don’t care if Campbell Soup’s under center. San Francisco will not win this game – this unwatchable, hair-pullingly frustrating, joke of a game. I’d rather just see Singletary and Cable go toe-to-toe at midfield. I really hate the Niners, and it’s because they remind me of the Hurricanes. Proud history. Ton of expectations. Ton of totally predictable mental breakdowns and first-half cat naps. Horrible coaching. Equally inept quarterback play, and a core group of higher-ups leading the steep, spiraling, irreversible descent into total oblivion.

Pick: Oakland

New York Jets (-3) at Denver

Looks like New York’s as good as they kept telling everybody they’d be. No snarky comments here – it’s been a genuine pleasure watching the late-career rebirth of LaDainian Tomlinson and the meteoric ascent of Sanchize. The J-E-T-S move to 5-1 accomplishing what not even the vaunted Ravens D could last week: shutting down the surprisingly prolific Kyle Orton.

Pick: New York

Dallas at Minnesota (-1.5)

Stick a fork in both these teams and curse the day you chose Favre as a childhood hero and Dallas as your lifelong rooting interest. What the hell was a 6-year-old Hilson thinking?

Pick: Dallas

Sunday Night

Indianapolis (-3) at Washington

Almost choked on my Cheerios this morning when I heard Ron Jaworkski tell Kornheiser that “Peyton Manning’s showing signs of age.” Yeah, those signs being a 102 passer rating and 11 TDs. Can’t wait for TK’s Monday morning rant when his admittedly respectable ‘Skins revert to form by way of a 21-point Indy beatdown.

Pick:

Watch your back, Jerry.

Monday Night

Tennessee (-3) at Jacksonville

Gross.

Spend these godforsaken three and half hours perusing the archives at Kylerancourt.com. When his hit counter rises astronomically, he’ll know where all the awesome traffic came from.

Pick: Tennesseee

__________

Last Week: 6-8

Season: 30-44-2

- Robbie