“Second Best” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review

Hey, at last we're still good at something.

The Week in Review: more anticipated than a Klitschko/Briggs fight.

Is it just me, or does the 8 a.m. SportsCenter look identical to the 10 a.m. SportsCenter? I woke up this morning thinking to myself, “Seize the day, Hilson,” only to find out that the sole tangible differences between morning and late morning are less sun and more Robert Flores.

That’s not a trade-off I’m willing to make.

Unfortunately, I have no say in the matter. School starts Monday at the second best learning institution in the state, which means this is a perfect time to tell you that I now attend… the second best learning institution in the state.

Fun fact: if you were to airlift the entire University of Florida and plop it down in New Orleans, the University of Florida would be the… wait for it… second best school in New Orleans.

But the first best school at drinking!

Atta boy.

Seriously, though, it was quite a shock to the system – my ego system, that is – to find that Gator Nation has fallen to No. 55 in the latest U.S. News and World Report college rankings. Now we could chalk this up to budget shortfalls, mass exodus of institutional memory, the girls getting hotter (never a good sign for academics), or the on-campus prison (aka “Ben Hill Griffin”).

But I’m pretty sure they just realized, “Hey, Hilson graduates in the spring.”

God willing.

To add insult to injury – and cliches to Week in Review – The University of Miami, led by Donna “Who Is Michael Irvin?” Shalala, catapulted itself up to No. 47, both to mock the great Michael Irvin and to announce to the world that “We’re an academic institution, homie.”

Uncle Luke is distraught.

So distraught he's chillin with white people.

How bad is it getting in Gainesville, you ask?

“Saw IV.” Film department. Doctoral program. Nuff said.

Hell of a role reversal, huh? Remember when the ‘Canes were good at football and the Gators fell back on academics?

Miami’s new theme song:

Wrapped Up In Books

Florida’s new theme song:

Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue

My new theme song:

Oh S***

And we’re off!

__________

ESPN’s Bobby Valentine spent the weekend calling the regional qualifiers for this year’s Little League World Series…

where he was surrounded by people with similar sensibilities.

12-year-old.

On Sunday during Twins-A’s, Minnesota manager Ron Gardenhire pulled pitcher Kevin Slowey after seven innings and 106 pitches of no-hit ball. Said a rather blase Gardenhire afterward, “Geeze, it’s 2010. He’ll get one next week.”

In karma is a bitch news, Heat forward Udonis “Puffy” Haslem was arrested late Sunday night for possession of 20 grams of marijuana. Police have kept the investigation open, though, maintaining that faults of teammates can usually be pinned on LeBron.

Funny, huh? Turns out a little weed might be the only thing slowing down the Heat fast break. Then again, a little a weed slows down everything.

Say what you want about Michael Beasley, but the guy never got buste

Nevermind.

Uh, Mike, you forgot to put something away.

In No Sh*t Ticker Headlines Death Match news…

*video game voice*

ESPN: “U.S. Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin says Tiger Woods is high on his list for one of his four captain’s picks”

VS.

ESPN: “Source: Favre doesn’t trust Childress”

On Tuesday, Vikings players led by Ryan Longwell, Jared Allen and Steve Hutchinson visited Brett Favre in Mississippi to ask simply,

“Straight leg or loose fit?”

It's a Wranglers joke.

On Tuesday, ESPN’s “Outside The Lines” released an investigation stating that Major League umpires get “only” 80 percent of close calls correct.

Excuse me, “only?” Is this not the same sport that rewards 70 percent failure rates?

Kudos, umps. Bang up job.

Said FIFA officials of the report: “They really need instant replay.”

New York Giants outfielder Bobby Thomson, who hit arguably the most famous home run in history to win the 1951 NL pennant, died at 86 on Tuesday.

Willie Mays, 79, is on deck.

When baseball was king.

This week Denver forward Carmelo Anthony hinted that he will pass on the Nuggets’ 3-year, $65 million extension to become a potentially New York-bound free agent in the offseason.

Jim Gray is prepping softballs as we speak.

"Tell us 'Melo, do you still bite your nails?"

On Wendesday, Atlanta sports legend Jason Heyward hit his third walk-off base hit of the season to break a 2-2 tie against the Nationals. Afterward, Heyward thought about thanking God, but God was like, “No man, it’s all you.”

Sticking with Hotlanta, the Braves acquired Cubs all-star first baseman Derrek Lee on Wednesday afternoon for three prospects. Lee is only hitting .251, but we basically just brought him in to pick a fight should Kenshin Kawakami ever return.

a la this incident

ESPN’s Bob Ley reported Thursday on “Outside the Lines” that Yankee great Lou Gehrig didn’t actually suffer from ALS… which means Lou Gehrig didn’t actually die from…

Yeah, you got it.

In non sequitur news, it’s summer in G-Vegas.

As of 5:58 p.m.

Earlier this week, Super Bowl winning coach and all around holy man Tony Dungy told Dan Patrick he would not hire Jets coach Rex Ryan due to his penchant for vulgarity and cursing.

Showing remorse, Ryan notably toned down his act on HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Wednesday, telling reporters he was “real fu*kin’ sorry.”

Fans of animals were heartened Friday when a bullfight in Navarra, Spain ended with

the bull winning.

Let’s play BETTER BULL!

Better hops:

’87 Jordan?

’04 John Bull

or 2010 bull?

mad hops at :09

Better gore:

2008 Frank?

2006 Al?

or 2010 bull?

mad gore at :25

If you’re in a sorority, hit me up: I’m willing to overlook most of your detestable qualities. See you again in an indeterminate length of time.

- Robbie