Cheap Beer Gratuitous quotation marks Hipster Runoff Hipsters Irony Lazy Puns Lazy transitions Mad alt chicks Orange Hammer Project Runway Ron Artest Week in Review
by Afrobutterfly
9 comments
You’ve Been Good to Me 305: A Bittersweet Week In Review
Damn. Just when things were starting to get fun.
I’m pretty sure that the friends I’m referencing in the following paragraphs don’t actually read this blog. If I find out they do, SC’s renown will only further go to my head. I see no downside… Bryan’s recap is already up. Somebody said it was “brilliant.”
Help me out here. On the Bro Code Moral Ambiguity Scale, where does “Feigning Interest In Bravo Reality Show to Impress Girls” rank among the following vices?
- Saving the last Blue Moon for yourself when the fridge is stocked with Busch and Coors Light.
- Refusing to pull out into the intersection to make a left on a green light, even though this is a typically female tactic.
- Compromising wingman duties because, dude, “she’s super hot.”
- Ordering any kind of flavored vodka without a Sports Guy-approved code name like “Orange Hammer” (aka “mango Smirnoff spritzer”).
- Bringing your buddy to a salsa club to score smokin’ Latin women even though you know for a fact that he’s way out of his element and has a 60/40 chance of either disastrously botching some Spanish pickup line or straining a hip.
- Refusing to fork over a [platonic] girlfriend’s phone number to your bro friend, but only after implying she’s way out of his league.
- Putting “everything in quotes” to save “indie cred” even though bros don’t know what “indie/hipster” means.
- Growing hair super long for “mad alt” girls, alienating short-haired friends.
I’m asking because Thursday may or may not have been premier night for the new season of “Project Runway,” and I may or may not have been roped into watching said premier on the largely false, 5-year-running premise that I actually enjoy this show.
(*hordes of readers leave and never come back*)
Sorry. Had to get this off my chest. There was a party involved. Might have been secretly awesome.
In other, more trashily Italian news, our favorite guidos have invaded South Beach (via “Jersey Shore: Season 2″), which means it’s prime time for me to beeline it back to Gainesville where my Hipster people are. You know, lest I see the Snooki Monster in a swanky restaurant in The Grove/forever lose taste for Miami nightlife.
Btw, if Snooki and Alex Rodriguez ever “hooked up,” the human race would spawn the first perfectly orange being.
Crossing fingers for glowing orange human.
Note to future bloggers: don’t “blog” when you’re “drinking/listening to Animal Collective” in less you want to come off like a “D-bag.” Might have started four paragraphs ago. Gonna keep it anyway.
Back to G-Vegas… I already have plans to throw a massive pre-semester, Mid-60′s themed “Mad Men” party, in which I throw down cheap scotch (via Johnny Walker Black) with friends while listening to “Rubber Soul” in a skinny tie. This sounds like a swell time. Good call, Nancy. And Hilary, who I believe had the idea first.
Anyway (via lazy transitions), I’m heading back home on Thursday so I can hit up my indie people at The Atlantic on the best dancing night of the week. Think neon colors/YYYs/American Apparel/Virginia Slims/organics (via to offset ill health effects/guilt of smoking).
Proto hipsters
How are you liking my use of “via” and “quotes” (via canned imitation of this blog)?
Modern hipsters (aka my kind of people).
Want to say a fond farewell to The 305, Coral Gables, my high school bros, hot Latina women, The U, my college bros and my two bffs. You’ve all been good to me and I’ll miss you dearly. I’ll also remember you when I’m super famous (via keeping an “ironic blog”/being “most alt voice in blogosphere”).
Here’s what I will miss
Local Publix
Here’s what I won’t miss
Local pastime.
Thanks for hanging with me through those last five or so paragraphs of in-jokes/”irony speak.”
Let’s talk sports/save my “bro cred” via “doing this.”
__________
The Dallas Cowboys made preseason waves Sunday when first round pick Dez Bryant refused to carry veteran Roy Williams shoulder pads after practice.
Apparently Bryant only follows the orders of guys who caught thirty-nine balls last season.
Williams was angered by Bryant’s perceived lack of disrespect, but to me, his beef seems shortsighted. Bryant will already take most of Williams’ playing time next season – he wants him to take his pads, too?
A position that suits Williams well.
Cool out, Eleven. And be glad you’re still getting your hands on something.
Said Bryant’s mentor Deion Sanders of the incident, “(*slips Bryant more cash under table*).”
On Monday, Bryan Holt hero Matt Garza threw the first no-hitter in Tampa Bay Rays history and the…
… (*doing math*)…
… (*reaching for calculator*)…
… (*damn, hits wrong button*)…
… I dunno. There’s been a ton of ‘em this season.
Last weekend, the Marlins Chris Coghlan tore his MCL while pieing Wes Helms in a post-game celebration, dealing a major blow to all the guys, like me, who had AJ Burnett in their “First Guy to Blow Out Knee With Shaving Cream Pie” pool.
Thought it was a lock.
On Wednesday, Pulitzer Prize winner Buzz Bissinger guested on Bill Simmons’ “The B.S. Report” to remind everyone that he’s still A) a Pulitzer Prize winner and B) an a-hole.
Said Bissinger, “[insert something cantankerous + I won a Pulitzer].”
Buzz also asked Simmons if he feels writers have a “finite number of words in them,” a dead giveaway that he’s never actually read Bill Simmons.
During a busy week on ESPN’s “Outside the Lines,” CNBC’s Darren Rovell suffered a faulty satellite connection Monday, prompting host Michelle Bonner to skip over him several times during their steroids discussion.
Luckily for Darren, he usually shares a stage with Amanda Drury. He’s used to audiences ignoring him.
Distraction.
Sticking with “OTL,” the program’s investigative reporting revealed Sunday that food vendors at stadiums in Florida have the highest percentage of “critical violations” in the entire country… which will explain why I’ll get violently sick the first time I see the Heat in person.
On Thursday, former NBA star Stephon Marbury, 33, agreed to stay with the Chinese Basketball Association’s Shanxi Brave Dragons for another three years. Hey, the guy gets paid in moo goo gai pan. Can you blame him?
During Manchester United’s 5-2 blowout of the MLS All-Star Team Wednesday, Man-U midfielder Tom Cleverley did this…
… inspiring a bad joke that practically writes itself.
Also on Wednesday, Broncos QB Tim Tebow signed a deal with underwear maker Jockey. Time to play LOVES IT!/HATES IT!
Jim Palmer: Loves it!
Jesus: Hates it!
And finally, USC football coach Lane Kiffin and UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel guested in-studio for several ESPN programs Wednesday.
Bristol custodians spent that night cleaning up b*llshit.
I’ll take an Orange Hammer. Peace.
- Robbie
Congratulations on your graduation! Hope to see you next week… Either way, I’ll be calling soon. Want to hear about Pavement/random summer awesomeness.
After reading it, and then staring blankly at my screen, I still can’t decipher what this post is about.
It’s a post about nothing. I think it could make a great premise for an entire season of a popular sitcom.
I’ll strive for my coherence going forward.
“The answer is…” a la McLaughlin….doesn’t rank. The code for impressing chicks is “do whatever it takes” and let the truth come out later…or never. Even more importantly, the main idea is “no pain, no gain”-suck it up, dude, you need to get used to it.
Did I use enough “quotes”?!
Screw the short hair crowd…grow it-”shining, gleaming, steamin’ flaxen waxen”
By the way, how the hell do you MAKE a left turn, especially in Miami, if you don’t get out into the intersection?! Oh, wait, I forgot, just run the red light! Eat my dust.
Are you some kind of life coach savant? I feel like I’m seeing things clearly for the first time.
RE: “Do whatever it takes.”
Co-sign.
Love the new facade…a sports Sgt Pepper. Damn you were raised well! Nice of you to include one of the best 3 things to come out of Canesville, Florida.
Thank you, sir. “Pepper” was the inspiration… And I think a comparison could be on the horizon.
That sounds like an excellent idea for a party.
I may or may not see you on Thursday at the Atlantic. But since that is my last day of college…you do the math.
Welcome back to Gainesville! Missed you, Robbie.