Roy Oswalt Is On Your TV

Like me, Roy has too much time on his hands.

I’m going to let you in on my deepest darkest secret… from this morning. Upon waking and groggily stumbling to the kitchen for my daily Folger’s fix, the first thought that popped into my head was, “Unless somebody important died, I have nothing to write about today.”

(*crossed fingers*)

On a somber note then, I’d like to pay homage to the life and times of both Jack Tatum and Lorenzen Wright, both of whom passed yesterday, thus narrowly losing out on their own posts to men’s softball and freak injuries, respectively. Negative points, Hilson.

It probably says more about our effed-up news cycle than my irreverent disregard for the dead that Astros pitcher Roy Oswalt is not only the lead story on Thursday’s “SportsCenter,” but something of a poster child for Bristol Gone Awry.

Given “College Football Live’s” round-the-calendar airing, you’ve probably already noticed ESPN’s artificial creation of “news.” Something about the dog days of summer, though, really drives home the fact – for me, at least – that what we assign [sports] importance to is by and large a product of World Wide Leader programming. Same goes for politics and CNN/Fox News/MSNBC, indie music and Pitchfork, pop culture and “Chelsea Lately,” etcetera etcetera.

Chelsea with tiny Mexican BFF.

Case in point/evidence of agenda setting: this weeks “big” stories…

1) Cowboys’ rookie receiver refuses to carry Cowboys’ washed-up receiver’s pads after practice. The two beef. John Clayton finds work for a 587th consecutive day.

2) A-Rod continues not hitting home runs.

3) Over-the-hill loudmouth receiver – not the one playing for the Cowboys – signs a 1-year, $2 million contract with one of the most historically inept franchises in NFL history.

4) A fan wearing a Heat LeBron Jersey gets showered with $8 Bud Light at a hostile Progressive Field in Cleveland. Random Indians fans now without hope AND sh*tty beer.

Stay classy, Cleveland.

5) Just breaking: Redskins fat man fails conditioning test.

Now there were other ones (this is my bone-throwing to Bryan Holt and the 98th no-hitter of the season), but I think you see my point – American soccer sucks that I, like the rest of you, am a little sheep following the likes of Chris McKendry off a steep cliff of sports culture irrelevance.

Which brings me back to Roy Oswalt, who’s quickly proving himself the FLAVA FLAV of the month – hijacking many a “Baseball Tonight” largely based on successes long passed. He’s 14-18 over the last two seasons and wants desperately to get out of Houston, but also seems to revel in the fact that he has his team by the balls via Veto powers.

Somebody get Roy a giant clock/sombrero.

The lesson here as always: don’t give no-trade clauses to aging divas with a history of nagging injuries.

I had little respect for Oswalt to begin, and that he appears headed to Atlanta’s hated rival Philadelphia doesn’t help. I have even less respect, though, for the fabricated stories ESPN continues to shove down my throat in the interest of filling slow news days.

Now excuse me while I turn my attention to more important things.

Happy “Shore” day. GTL, y’all.

- Robbie.