Hits, Fits and Tits: Sports Casualties at 101

Two of our favorites here to help us celebrate.

In honor of our 101st post, Sports Casualties would like to commemorate this blog’s march to triple digits in the only way we know possible – with self-congratulations and sordid humor. We’d like to sincerely thank those of you who’ve been with us since our first 20-hit week. Your active readership means the world to us and we’ll be sure to remember you when we’re famous. For those of you who have just recently come aboard, we’d like to say welcome… and what the hell took so long? And now, because we’ve never been ones for smooth transitions, we’re going to dive right into this little three-month overview with three words that have carried us this far.

Kate. Lost. Hot. I mean…

Let’s do this.

Top Posts

The following were ranked based on number of hits and overall cultural impact.

1) Jersey Shore: A Sports Celebration: 2,211 hits… A post so groundbreaking that it spun off two more posts and an entire reality TV show.

What we said: “Much like a Seaside Heights boardwalk brawl, there are no rules or regulations here. Teams from every sport, college or professional, are eligible for an eternally embarrassing connection to one of the most famous guidos or guidettes in the world.” ~ Bryan, from original post

“The Snooky/FIU comparison was a stroke of genius (especially since I was fully expecting Rudy T), and I have to say, this column completely wasted an hour of time. Five to read it – not a waste – 55 deciding whether Angelina was Koufax, Len Bias, Bill Walton or Daryl Strawberry.” ~ Robbie

What you said: “Gators wear jean shorts and Situation loves GTL… The facts of life.” ~ Bradley Crone, Casualtist

2) Jamison to Cavs and Other Madness: A Final Dispatch from the NBA Trade Post: 221 hits… A post that True Hoops blogger Scott Phillips stumbled upon while aggregating blurbs from legitimate news organizations. Oops. All hell broke loose in the wee morning hours as Canadians everywhere proved that they, too, can lose their collective s***.

What we said: “For his part, Colangelo thinks the Raptors have more than the shot I give them to resign Bosh. I give them a shot in hell. The Raptors will essentially let walk one of the premier all-around forwards in basketball – this after they spent about $50 million on Hedu Turkoglu. The lesson here as always: Canada sucks.” ~ Robbie, from original post

“Congrats on our first 300-hits day. ‘Canada sucks’ may be the most effective words that you have ever written.” ~ Bryan

What you said: “Well judging by your lack of hits, I’d say your website sucks. I’d also say you’re a typical American who lives in a bubble and thinks your tanking economy and embarrassing political system makes anyone outside of the USA jealous. But yeah, man do I ever wish I could move to Detroit or Milwaukee!” ~ Dan, from Canada

“‘The lesson here is Canada sucks?’ How about the lesson here is ‘the arrogant, ignorant, fat-ass American Empire will fall hard and fast and the rest of the world not only won’t give a rats ass about it, some will be quite thrilled.’” ~ Doug, from Canada

3) “Lost”: Season 6, Episode 4 Recap: 1,160 hits… So two out of SC’s top three posts are are primarily based around television shows. I’m not sure what this says about our potential as sportswriters. Regardless, Robbie’s ability to discuss “Lost” by relating the show to sports made this column enjoyable for even the most novice of “Lost” amateurs (read: Bryan Holt).

What we said: “Danny Ferry has heeded my cries. Jamison to the Cavs. Lindsey Vonn picks up her first Olympic gold medal. Lindsey Vonn is way hot. Now let’s talk ‘Lost.’” ~ Robbie, from original post.

“I decided before I ever watched an episode of ‘Lost’ that I’m not smart enough to watch it.” ~ Bryan

What you said: “I know this is stalkerish, but are you the one who writes the ‘Lost’ recaps?” ~ Attractive Blonde Casualtist to Robbie at a bar

Evangeline Lilly: The inspiration behind Kate Lost Hot.

4) An Olympic Masterpiece: 27 hits… Just when you thought we were unlikeable egomaniacs, Bryan wrote this. There is plenty of joking and sarcasm to spare at SC, but stories like the one of Joannie Rochette are what make sports great. As this is is being written, 2,184 more people have read Bryan’s “Jersey Shore” post than his column depicting Rochette. However, there isn’t any question at all of which column was more rewarding for him to write.

What we said: “Therese Rochette passed away on Sunday. On Tuesday night, her daughter captivated the world.” ~ Bryan, from original post

“I did not know you had this in you. Strong work.” ~ Robbie

What you said: “Anyone who watched that and didn’t at least fight back a tear doesn’t have a soul.” ~ Charlie Johnson, Casualtist

“You wrote something nice for once.” ~ Bryan’s mom.

5) Crittenton Goes All In: 12 hits… And so it all began. The initial idea for SC was built in the strenuous confines of a University of Florida reporting lab. With these 330 words, SC went from being a discussion to ease nerves before an early morning in-class writing assignment to a reality. We’ve progressively gotten wordier and more arrogant ever since.

What we said: “And now Crittenton has gone and spawned the decade’s first worthy pop-culture catch-phrase: gonna pop a cap in your reconstructed ACL.” ~ Robbie, from original post

“Ladies and gentlemen…the always articulate Mike Miller.” ~ Bryan

What you said: “I’ve never blogged but do enjoy reading your comments on Crittenton.” ~ Tim Schaffer, Casualtist

SC Loves… Our Favorite Athletes/Teams/People/Search Terms

Because if there’s one thing that we don’t take part in here at SC, it’s objectivity. Here’s some of the people that it’s hardest to discuss fairly.

LeBron James: Simply put, he’s the man. The King is often the primary subject of Robbie’s “Roundball Roundup” posts, and even causes Bryan to take notice of the NBA from time to time.

Juice Hellmanns: For those of you new to the site, this is how we refer to The Artist Formerly Known as O.J. Mayo. Get used to it… It will help you understand our Twitter page.

Tiger Woods: When the rest of the world turned its back on The Promiscuous One, SC continued to ride out the storm. We don’t care what insults people throw around about Tiger these days. He is the best golfer in the world, and we will treat him as such.

Florida Gators/Tim Tebow: Both of SC’s co-authors reside in Gainesville, Florida. Both typically enjoy living in Gainesville and would like things to remain that way. Therefore, this is a given.

Tim Tebow on his way to a dry after-party

Bill Simmons: It doesn’t take much time researching SC to see that “The Sports Guy” is one of our larger influences. Love it or hate it, his career has opened up a new aspirable writing style for young bloviators everywhere. Robbie is 587 pages through “The Book of Basketball” at the time of writing, a fact that haunts his Research Methods grades. Bryan wants his own podcast.

Braves Baseball/Jason Heyward (Robbie): This bias, along with the next, will be heavily showcased during the summer months. Expect to see plenty about both of these entities from Robbie as the dog days approach.

Rays Baseball (Bryan): A Tampa native, Bryan will seldom turn down an opportunity to discuss his favorite hometown teams. This will all come to a catastrophic clash on June 15-18 when the Braves and Rays meet in Interleague Play.

USF Bulls (Bryan): As corny and cliche as this sounds, watching USF athletics grow has been like watching a child mature for Bryan. Few things bring more personal joy than when USF succeeds in something on the field or court. Expect many a Skip Holtz feature when the fall arrives.

Miami Hurricanes (Robbie): Robbie wakes up next to a picture of his parents on his nightstand. He’s then greeted by a picture of himself with a young Andre Johnson above the refrigerator. ‘Canes posts are really just an opportunity for him to get everyone involved.

The SC 101 Awards

The Trophy: Beats the hell out of an Oscar. Available at your local liquor store.

Recognizing other highlights of our first 101 posts.

Best Tweets: “The mohawked guard has to be the modern day Jim McMahon of BYU Athletics. No way that dude is sticking to the celibacy contract.” ~ Bryan, 1:59 p.m. March 18

“Once you go black, you never go back… Either ESPN’s new motto or my cable provider sucks.” ~ Robbie, 9:50 a.m. March 18

Most Loyal Casualtist: In our typically indecisive nature, we’ve decided that we simply cannot pick one and will instead use this award as a brief “thank you” note. We never got to be rock stars, so look at this like the inside of our album cover.

Bryan: I’ll try to keep this brief. [Pulls out crumpled acceptance speech notes] First and foremost, my loyalty award goes to my family. Mom, Dad, Bulldog, Grandpa, Shirley, Dave, Aunt Susan, Jen, all of you who read the site. I know on the days when 20 people were reading, you guys probably made up 15 of them. Special thanks to my mom for refraining from telling me that my content is rude on too regular of a basis. Also, to all of my personal friends that read regularly, thank you. Corey, Jon, Troy, Jared, Rufus, all of my buddies in Knoxville (Jared Jonas, Chase Woodfin, Brad Crone, etc.) and way too many more to name. You all give us motivation to write for SC. Thanks.

Robbie: I’m not sure if my mom actually reads posts, but she loves me enough to click on extra links when we’re having a down hits day. Thanks, mom. And to my father, who follows every word despite his company-issued BlackBerry blocking our site: this is the main reason I sold all of my Research in Motion stock. Also, you’re the best. I truly hope that your retirement dreams of smoking pork butt in Coral Gables materialize. Last I checked, “QbyTheU” was an available domain name. My offers to blog about barbeque and run the front of the house still stand. To the tipsy Casualtists I see downtown: I love all of you. You have no idea what those off-handed SC remarks that you will not remember in the morning do for my confidence. And finally, to fellow blogger Kyle Rancourt who wrote this about us: If Bryan’s vision of creating a blogging Rat Pack ever comes to fruition, the Sinatra and Sammy Davis roles have been filled, but you can be our Peter Lawford.

Until 202,

Bryan and Robbie

"March Madness" and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

The time of the year when college basketball doesn't suck.

This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.

Grad school. It’s one ugly, unforgiving broad to return home to after a week of neglect and general buffoonery. To pursue this already sketchy analogy would be to compare my post-Spring Break academic schedule to Janet Reno circa Waco.

She’s pissed.

Does this stop me from crafting thousands of painstaking words on no-names like Craig Kimbrel and Magic Benton? Surely not. Does it stop me from staring glazed-over for minutes on end at a Twitter screen, waiting for that rare stroke of witty genius?

Not for a second.

Yesterday we hit 22 Twitter followers on the back of a godlike Tourney-tweeting barrage courtesy of Bryan Holt. Some guy in the Philippines is hooked. How cool is that? Bryan then took it upon himself to enter “www.sportscasualties.wordpress.com” in ESPN’s Tournament Challenge. Apparently we’re bombing, and I couldn’t care less.

Gratuitous Meade.

These are the things that make this obscure, semi-compulsive endeavor such a blast – these are the things that allow me to look my Research Methods textbook in the eye and say with both a straight face and not a hint of guilt: Not today, friend. My priorities are just fine, thank you.

Also, I just saw a Braves shirt in Library West. This is awesome, too.

I still would like to see “SPORTS CASUALTIES” scrawled in big chalk letters in front of the library before the end of the semester… if for no other reason than to stroke my already-massive ego. For now I’m content to bang out another week in review, then head to The Atlantic to join the mass of bodies trying to catch its collective balance. Or as the hipsters like to call it, “dancing.” 

_________

Former Eagles offensive tackle Jon Runyan announced this week that he will run for New Jersey’s third Congressional district. Philadelphia tailback Brian Westbrook was quick to express reservations about following his lead, citing multiple head injuries.

On Monday, free agent running back LaDainian Tomlinson signed with the New York Jets. Capitalizing on marketing synergies, the Jets front office began offering season ticket holders a free LT-taught seminar entitled “Secrets to Good Body Language.”

Reserve your spot today!

Sticking with the NFL, the Cleveland Browns attempted Sunday to swap QB Brady Quinn to the Broncos for a case of beer and a signed John Elway jersey. They got a fullback and a sixth-round pick instead.

Startling news broke this week that the Philadelphia Phillies were considering an attempt to trade first baseman Ryan Howard for Cardinals icon Albert Pujols. The Phillies also tried to trade me for Albert Pujols, figuring, hey, same odds.

A new intro to Subway-sponsored ESPN podcasts surfaced this week with the line, “To thank you for making Subway footlongs famous, now enjoy any regular footlong…” Excuse me. You? YOU?! Happy Gilmore feels shafted. And well he should.

In a Sports Illustrated feature released days ago, Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas said of his gun issues, “I wasn’t using longevity thinking.” I would have gone with “was exercising shortmindedness.”

Big shout out to 11th grade English teacher Shannon Wyss. Love you, Wyss.

On Tuesday, I posted a Braves article to Facebook with the tag, “Another day, another stud.” Some readers mistakenly confused this for an article about Rep. Eric Massa.

On his way to give a "Massa Massage"

During Monday’s “Tony Kornheiser Show,” Tony questioned Cornell basketball’s Tourney seeding, asking, “How dare they give Cornell a 12 and match ‘em against Temple so that Dunphy and his former assistant can play just for television? Cornell should’ve gotten no worse than an 11 and probably a 10.”

Kornheiser: making up for male pattern baldness by splitting hairs.

On the same show, the host – referring to Syracuse big man Arinze Onuaku’s injury – said, “Syracuse should be able to beat Vermont without him, although Vermont beat them once before when they had Tyler Copperwrath.” Co-host David Aldridge nodded his approval.

Somewhere, Catamounts legend Taylor Coppenrath is smiling.

Coppenrath: The Rodney Dangerfield of March Madness

After Tuesday’s airing of the “Today Show” in which Kirstie Alley said “bull****” twice on air in defense of Meredith Vieira’s Scientology criticism, Washington Post reporter Jean McManus defended Alley by telling Kornheiser, “Of course, she is very likeable – I mean, a woman of substance.”

Those substances being Fritos and Pepsi.

On Sunday night, ESPN aired “Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. The New York Knicks,” the latest installment in its celebrated “30 for 30” documentary series. In a related story, Blockbuster this week reported a steep decline in “Do The Right Thing” rentals throughout the entire Midwest.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FDcB7xNc1I]

Spike Lee: Welcome in The SC, not in Indiana.

In an ironic twist of fate, David Beckham’s Achilles’ heel turned out to be David Beckham’s Achillies’ heel. You will be missed, Becks.

Turning now to financial headlines, CNBC anchor Trish Regan on Monday’s “The Call” challenged the notion that March Madness equates to a $1.8 billion loss of productivity, saying, “There are a lot of other things people are doing online.”

Regan was of course referring to men Googling “Trish Regan.”

Time killer.

The University of Florida men’s basketball team improbably landed a 10 seed in the NCAA tournament when the selection committee realized that the NIT does not go 10 seeds deep.

To celebrate March Madness, Jeopardy is holding its annual Million Dollar Celebrity Invitational in which Alex Trebek asks the likes of Aisha Tyler and Anderson Cooper brain-tickling questions like “Quebec?” under “Countries” for $1000. Cheech Marin competed on Thursday’s show, but much like Locke in “Lost,” appeared only as a giant pillar of smoke.

In further Locke news, the mysterious island character revealed to Sawyer in this week’s episode that he is indeed the Smoke Monster, saying simply, “I am the Black Smoke.”

Coincidentally, this is what Rangers manager Ron Washington told people when he dressed up as Texas prospect Justin Smoak for Halloween.

The Black Smoak

To celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day, University of Miami football held its annual banquet to honor “The Irish Contingent.” Former stars Rocky McIntosh, Darrell McClover, Jerome McDougle, Dyral McMillan, Willis McGahee, Bryant McKinnie and Markese Fitzgerald were all said to be in attendance.

And finally, on the eve of Congress’ historic vote to pass universal health care, I would like to say on behalf of Sports Casualties: Sucks to be you, rich people!

Buzzer beat this.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdiUoY6iz6I]

“As 13th-seed Murray State has pulled off the opening round shocker!”

- Robbie

Text Messages and Booger Sugar: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

"Can't talk now. Will text when i can."

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever.

No extended introduction today, there are far too many vital pieces of awesomeness to cover. I’m back in Gainesville, a city which I just found out had a mayoral election yesterday. So much for awareness of current events. Sorry journalism professors.

My apartment has become completely devoted to March Madness, and my Tiger Woods poster still rests proudly on my bedroom wall. Let’s do this.

Wednesday brought complete mayhem to Gainesville, and not just because everyone was consuming pitcher after pitcher of beer filled with green-tinted laxatives. No, Wednesday was Florida Gators pro day. Pro day is usually a rather quaint event, but on Wednesday, it was anything but quaint. Wednesday was Tebowstock 2010.

Yes, it was the calendar date that scouts had been clamoring for, and Mel Kiper, Jr. had been using for target practice with his paint balls full of piss and vinegar. It was the day that Tim Tebow debuted his new throwing motion after five weeks of mechanics boot camp. The reviews were generally positive. Tebow now has a much quicker release, but still releases the ball too low.

"Nice form." - My Inner QB Coach

The NFL viewed his improvements in high enough regard to invite Tebow to attend April’s draft. The invite was based partially on talent and partially on the need to balance the “good guy” karma in a room that will be filled corrupt agents and future holdouts.

In all seriousness, there was little doubt that Tebow would be invited to the draft. With ESPN trying out a new prime-time draft arrangement, they need personal storylines beyond the first round, and Tebow gives them just that. Plus, with the NFL now inviting 18 players to attend the draft, Tebow was almost a given. If you can name 18 draft prospects more relevant/recognizable than Tebow, you’re most likely either A) a liar, B) a Florida State fan or C) both.

Speaking of liars, USC football coach and not nice girl, Lane Kiffin, made news this week when he was seeded No. 16 in Esquire’s sports division for the “Sexiest Woman Alive” contest. This explains his tendency of random monthly tirades and his strong desire to stop wearing that hideous prisoner-orange color which totally doesn’t look cute with a nice spray tan. The shopping is so much better in Los Angeles, duh!

Kiffin, whose caption reads “Such a pretty girl. Sure raises a ruckus,” is actually on pace to beat out No. 1 seed Natalie Gulbis, currently winning by a 57 to 43 percent margin. No word on if a No. 16 has ever beaten a No. 1 in this contest, but I’m almost certain that this has some sort of historical context.

Natalie Gulbis: She's pretty, but she's no Lane Kiffin.

As already mentioned by the ruthless Leno writers here on Sports Casualties, it was revealed on Wednesday that Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington tested positive for cocaine/booger sugar/Colombian bam-bam/blow/nose candy/yayo/Vancouver 2010 (get it? snow!) during the 2009 MLB season.

Cocaine is no laughing matter, and if you or someone that you love are addicted to it you should contact the Narconon Cocaine Addiction Rehab Center at 800-468-6933.

What?

You thought I was going to make a wise-ass comment about Mr. Washington’s situation? You people are sick and immature.

Sean “Diddy” Combs [insert old white person joke about "oh, is that what he's called this week!?!] is apparently trying to buy Crystal Palace F.C., a South-London Soccer club that plays in the second tier of English Football. Combs is interested in buying the team because A) it is in danger of going bankrupt, and he claims to be able to cover their debt, and B) he likes their name.

Clearly looks like a soccer kind of guy.

Combs strikes me as a lot of things but fiscally efficient is not one of them. If English fans were angry with the Glazer family for spending their team into an obscene debt, just wait until Diddy starts throwing spinners on the team bus and blinging out the stadium.

It’s NCAA Tournament time which means that, whether or not you like college basketball, you have to spend as much time as possible on a couch watching a never-ending array of games. Why? Because if you don’t you’re not a real American, that’s why.

Filling out brackets makes even the most obscure games seem completely entertaining. I personally filled out three brackets, and each one is already beginning to resemble a bad luge run at the Winter Olympics. Uh, too soon? I’ll go ahead and use my educated guessing abilities to say that Robbie Hilson will use Murray State as his concluding buzzer beater for his later post. Or he might read this first and try to make me look like an idiot. Or will he?

As I began writing this, my beautiful basketball tournament faded to a strange Cheech-inclusive edition of “Celebrity Jeopardy.” Yes, this was written on Thursday evening, and you are reading it via tape delay. Consider this literary DVR.

Using this as a random aside before I hit the main event of the week, I’ve never been a fan of “Jeopardy.” It has that same “The Price is Right” aura about it in that it seemingly has not changed at all since approximately 1922. Same boring host, same boring contestants and same mix of grandparents/stoned teenagers still watching it.

Ken Jennings: Jeopardy Rockstar

I know what you’re thinking. “C’mon Bryan, the words ‘text messages’ are in your title and you haven’t talked about Tiger Woods yet.”

Simmer down, loyal SC reader. It’s time for a grand finale.

On Tuesday, Tiger Woods announced that he will return to golf on April 8 for the Masters, everybody’s favorite golf major. This should honestly be great news for golf fans everywhere. The best golfer in the world is returning to the stage on which he belongs.

People are wondering how he is going to handle this, and how fans are going to respond to him. I don’t really care about how fans respond to him. If anything, there will be some negative reactions and heckling for a while and then it will fade as the victories begin to return. I do however have a way that I would like to see him handle this.

I want him to play like he always has, act on the course as he always has and not give a damn what anybody thinks about it.

People will say that he needs to be more human, that he needs that he needs to focus on the bigger picture, that he needs to be some kind of dean of sportsmanship and kindness on the course. These people are wrong. For years, Woods has been one of the most popular athletes in America and it hasn’t been because he’s personable or loving or a sweet guy.

Fans love Tiger Woods because he is a machine that probably doesn’t care too much about anything other than golf. He has the one-track, determined mind that fascinates spectators. He’s not who he is because he wants to do interviews or let people into his life or make the world a beautiful paradise. Woods is here to win golf tournaments, and he is damn good at it.

The Cold Stare: Why you really loved Tiger Woods.

Woods did become the latest celebrity punchline for Comedy Central’s “South Park” on Wednesday night. As expected, the episode was hilarious and a strong start to season 14 for “South Park.” If you haven’t seen it – and you aren’t easily offended by excessively offensive material – I strongly suggest that you check it out here, after you finish reading SC, of course.

Also, Tiger made negative headlines again Thursday when his text messages were revealed to the press by one of his mistresses. That mistress was Joslyn James, a porn star who probably has a real name, but I refuse to look it up because porn stars obviously aren’t even real people. Much like the “South Park” link, you can check out the texts here, but beware, they’re very NC-17 and not your run-of-the-mill “hey wutsup” text messages.

Tigah Tigah Tigah Woods, y’all!

No “Writer’s Block” this week, I’ve been on a writing binge. Here’s USC’s Song Girls at the pool. Consider it my apology.

If only they didn't have to compete with Lane Kiffin.

What to Watch on Television this Weekend

Because although we live in a country where we are free to watch whatever we want, deep down inside we still want people to tell us what to watch.

NCAA Basketball Tournament – CBS – All Weekend

There’s not really an option. The tournament is great, and the opening weekend is the best part of it.

Have an unhinged weekend.

-Bryan

Off Broadway Heroes: Magic Benton

Magic being Magic.

The NFL is the beautiful side of the game of football.  It is a league that garners praise and popularity while turning the few who can excel in it into immortal figures. This is why we here at Sports Casualties find intrigue in the other side of the game – the aspect of the game that is played on a gravel back road, not a glistening main street.

This is the third piece in an occasional series that will profile professional football players who succeeded in a now defunct league only to never “make it” anywhere else. Sports Casualties writer Robbie Hilson referred to this series as a “Where are they now?” for players who were never anywhere in the first place. He is correct. He is also the author of this post and would like to thank Bryan for ceding the “Broadway” reigns. This has been an incredibly rewarding experience for him.

It’s hard to get recognition when you come from a program that produced the likes of Michael Irvin, Brian Blades, Andre Johnson and Reggie Wayne. So Magic Benton often gets lost in the discussion of all-time great University of Miami receivers.

And rightfully so.

Magic’s enduring spot in Hurricane lore was secured not by his play on the field, but instead harkens back to his humble beginnings as a wee lad in the inner city. A very, very wee lad in the inner city.

As the story goes, upon Benton’s arrival at “The U” in 1995, a curious reporter took it upon himself to unearth the origins of the star sophomore’s eccentric name, asking simply, “Magic, how did you get your name?”

It was in this moment that the young receiver’s legend was “born” – so to speak – as he proudly announced to all that he was conceived in the bowels of the Magic City Lounge.

Even the most comprehensive of Google searches leaves the whereabouts of this fine establishment a mystery. In the interest, then, of responsible journalism I went to the experts to corroborate the story, lest I confuse fact with folk tale – like the time true freshman DE Rusty Madearis recorded 5.5 sacks in his debut against Texas Tech in October of 1990.

Oh wait. That really happened.

Medearis: A legend derailed

Regardless, I consulted Alpha-‘Cane Fan/Father Robb Hilson before posting, sending this email: “Magic Benton… I’m writing a piece on him. Do you have any fond recollections to include?”

His response minutes later: “Other than where he got his name? No.”

I also have it on good faith from UM Core Team Member and proud ‘Cane alum Brian Mormile that the story is in fact true. In a fit of curiosity, he actually took it upon himself to ask Benton in person. Excellent work, Brian.

Now if Great Number Eight was defined solely by five letters, he wouldn’t be worthy of the third “Off Broadway” installment. Not just anyone enters the cherished pantheon thus far reserved only for Mario Bailey and Kelvin Bryant.

Well Magic Benton is not just anyone. In 1994, the talented high school senior made 5A all-state honors at Miami Northwestern by hauling in 22 catches for an eye-popping 650 yards, inventing the term “YAC” in the process. Amazingly, his 29.5 yards per catch was a sharp decline over the previous year’s 38.1 YPC.

Cementing his reputation as the top athlete in Florida and the No. 17 overall receiver according to SuperPrep, Benton resisted the likely-illegal recruiting advances of UM coach Dennis Erickson and opted instead to enroll at FSU. Unfortunately, enrollment entails passing grades. After a quick layover in prep school, he promptly pulled a “reverse Terri Hilson,” transferring to Miami after realizing that Tallahassee sucks.

Magic in the Old Lady.

Miami’s fortunes changed immediately upon Benton’s arrival. After making the Orange Bowl the year before, the Hurricanes fell to 8-3 in 1995 under first-year coach Butch Davis. The ‘Canes missed a bowl for the first time in years due to a contentious bout with NCAA rule makers.

In an unparalleled display of class, Benton was not among the players who broke into the captain of the track team’s apartment and struck him repeatedly before the 1996 campaign. This boded well for the upcoming season, when Magic filled the void created by star receiver Jammi German’s ACL injury (and nine-game suspension for instigating an on-campus brawl).

Benton led the 1996 ‘Canes with 547 receiving yards and scored 4 touchdowns. His breakout game came in the season opener against Memphis, in which he scored on two punt returns and also caught a 73-yard touchdown pass for the 11th-ranked ‘Canes. His star-making performance spawned this classic headline in the next day’s Boca Raton News: “Big Plays Rule: Benton’s ‘magic’ handles Miami’s woes.”

The following year was a low point for the senior leader and the Hurricanes in general. Benton succumbed to injury in game four, an infamous 47-0 throttling at the hands of FSU. Without his game-breaking ability, Miami fell to 5-6 despite sophomore Edgerrin James’ 1,000-yard campaign and a record-setting freshman outing from Reggie Wayne.

Impressively, Magic remained a scholarship player until his graduation after the ’97 season, a rare accomplishment considering the program did not have many to give. Though he was not selected in the NFL Draft, Benton briefly caught on with the Green Bay Packers, paving the way for future Hurricanes Bubba Franks and Najeh Davenport and meeting Brett Favre in the process.

Daniel "Bubba" Franks: Not conceived in the Bubba City Lounge

Where most stories would end, those of the greats take on new life. Thus began Benton’s fabled turn as an Arena Football League hero.

After unsuccessful tours in other professional leagues, the former Miami standout lent his name and considerable talents to the upstart arenafootball2, joining the expansion Florida Firecats in early 2001. The following year, Benton put Estero, Fla., on the map. He finished the 16-game regular season among the league leaders in several statistical categories and led the Firecats through an improbable playoff run that ended with a 65-47 loss to Peoria in ArenaCup III. Benton was, however, exposed to a national audience – the game was televised on the Vision Network.

His fourth year in the league was also a career pinnacle of sorts. Performing in front of crowds of up to 4,000 – impressive considering Estero’s population of 9,503 – Benton developed a special connection with quarterback and former Chicago Bear Ken Mastrole. The team rolled through the postseason as Benton grabbed 23 catches for 308 and six TDs en route to ArenaCup V. Benton again shined bright on the big stage as his Firecats avenged the AC III loss to Peoria with a grind-it-out 39-26 victory over the Pirates.

After a number change, Benton is still No. 1.

After an 8-week retirement during the 2008 season in which he helped coach the Florida Christian Institute football team, a 32-year-old Benton returned to the Firecats to reclaim both his team and his af2 receiving records, some of which had been challenged by league standout George Williams. Benton had no problems picking up where he’d left off. A three score performance in week 18 against rival Daytona propelled him back into the record books with 1,098 career points.

In 2009, Number Eight left the af2 how he entered it – on top. He led all receivers with 8 catches for 91 yards and two scores as the Firecats upset the Kentucky Horsemen 67-39 in what would be both Benton and his team’s final game. Just weeks later, the Firecats were denied postseason participation for colluding to form a new league. The af2 folded soon after.

This twist of fate opened a new door for Benton. Always one to jump at an opportunity, he rejoined his old quarterback as an instructor at the Mastrole Passing Academy and continues to coach up high school prospects to this day. In addition, the receiver’s signed collectibles have held up remarkably well over the years. Autographed 8x10s routinely fetch up to $23.99 on the secondary market.

All said and done, Benton finished his prestigious af2 playing career as the league’s all-time leader in catches, receiving yards and touchdowns (with 630, 8,293 and 178, respectively). To former teammates and fellow UM alums Toney Tella, Ethenic Sands and Jon Peattie, he is known by the moniker “Mr. Af2.” To everybody else, he’s known simply as “Magic.”

Repping "The U" till the very end.

- Robbie

If Jay Leno's Writers Wrote For Us

Much like March, Jay is ready for madness.

To promote their reincarnation of the “Tonight Show,” and to help expose themselves to a more youthful demographic (hmm…), the writers for the Jay Leno comedy hour have asked to take over Sports Casualties for a series of weekly posts. The following is this week’s monologue that the writers, the alpha-chinned one and the perpetually stoned guitarist, were able to put together.

[Leno walks onto the stage, shakes hands with the throngs of adoring fans, who totally weren't instructed to step forward and shake his hand, and whispers to himself, "let's do this."]

Well there’s really no other place to begin tonight. Tiger Woods officially said on Tuesday that he will be returning to golf on April 8 to compete in the Masters. Not to diminish Augusta National’s tradition, but I have a bad feeling that the Eisenhower Cabin will never be the same again.

Fellow golfer Kenny Perry was excited by the news. “Nice to have our stud back,” said Perry in an interview with ESPN. I think he might have just ushered in a new Tiger marketing campaign.

Did you hear about this? News surfaced on Wednesday that Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington tested positive for cocaine in 2009. Yeah, I guess that explains that new neck-scratching, nose-brushing signal that confused players all of last season.

The manager would like to see you in his office.

You know the NCAA Tournament begins on Thursda…

Kevin: Go Temple!

Alright Kev, it’s really not necessary to interrupt me up here.

Kevin: Who gives a damn! I’m almost out of here!

Anyways, as I was saying, the NCAA Tournament begins on Thursday, and apparently Kevin is pretty excited about his beloved Temple Owls being in contention. I’m still a little sour that Emerson College got snubbed again.

But everybody’s getting into the March Madness spirit. Even President Obama filled out a tournament bracket on Wednesday. Apparently the president picked Arkansas-Pine Bluff to win it all. He was assuming that all of the tournament’s players would be redistributed equally before play begins.

Kevin: Glenn Beck isn’t gonna be happy about that!

Did you see this on Tuesday? Seton Hall lost to Texas Tech in the first round of the NIT, but that’s not what everyone is talking about. Seton Hall’s Herb Pope decided to take rather extreme measures in defending Texas Tech’s Darko Cohadarevic. Let’s take a look.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzZww2AkGyE]

Kevin: Right in the yam bag!

You know Seton Hall coach Bobby Gonzalez was fired the next day and there’s not much of a mystery why. His vaunted 3-2 crotch chop defense just isn’t cutting it anymore.

There is a bright side for Bobby, though. He has officially been announced as a producer of the next “Jackass” movie.

Champion boxer Manny Pacquiao was scheduled to perform his first American concert in Hawaii this weekend until the show had to be canceled after just 603 of the 8,500 tickets had been sold. Apparently they didn’t try moving the show to 11:35.

Besties

Stay tuned after the break, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Later we have some guy that brought animals that will scare the hell out of everyone, and Rachel Uchitel with her thoughts on Tiger’s chances at the Masters. But up next, our flamboyantly gay intern, Ross, goes to a monster truck show.

Kevin: He better watch out for Grave Digger!

Minka Kelly: So that random Googlers stumble across our page.

-Bryan

Another Braves Farmhand: Craig Kimbrel

Kimbrel: The Pride of Wallace State

Why? Because we’re not running a freaking Rays blog. That’s why.

It has recently come to my attention that throwing out Jason Heyward in a discussion of top prospects makes for a pretty short discussion, especially when couched in the “well who do you got?” debate. I guess I could argue with a Nats fan. But the top of this list starts with Heyward and ends with Stephen Strasburg. And there’s no middleman. Heyward, Strasburg. Strasburg, Heyward. That’s the list. I think this is pretty clear.

So when Bryan Holt responded to my first of many Heyward posts with a piece about Rays potential fifth starter Wade Davis, I felt a little embarrassed, ashamed of myself even– like I’d just belted the piñata with the first swing or dunked in a pickup game with cripples (this has never actually happened). 

The Ja-Hey Kid’s rocking a 1.398 OPS this spring. He’s drawn nine walks in 31 plate appearances. He hit his first spring homer 450-plus feet over a couple of dumbfounded batting cages in the boondocks behind Champions Stadium. Jim Leyland promptly compared him to Albert Pujols, and the Phils offered Ryan Howard soon after.

Hell, if I was the kind of jackass who closed an argument with “’nuff said,” I’d just go ahead and drop a ‘nuff said on you. I mean, God bless Wade Davis, but best case scenario, he’s a back of the rotation guy on the third best team in a division. Heyward’s got bigger fish to fry, and one of those fish just told me that it feels like a prisoner on death row.

(Important Note: I reserve the right to redact the first four paragraphs should Heyward’s career arc resemble that of Ryan Klesko’s. Also, say what you want about Sports Casualties’ journalistic integrity, but know that personified fish aren’t talking to anybody else.)

Like Klesko, except the exact opposite.

Admittedly, it seems unfair to play the Heyward card so soon, and in my remorse, I did a little digging into the Braves farm system. By “a little digging,” I of course mean “checked my Facebook feed.”

So let’s talk about reliever Craig Kimbrel, Atlanta’s fifth overall prospect according to the Kurkjian bible that is Baseball America.

For starters, he’s a smirfly 5-foot-9-inch flamethrower that clocks in around 96 mph. Of course, should you go by Baseball Reference, he’s actually 2 inches taller (accounting for spikes, perhaps). And should you go by MLB.com’s Mark Bowman, he occasionally spells his name with two l’s. Takeaway: Kimbrel throws in the mid to high 90s.  

Bowman labeled him as the “right-landed Billy Wagner,” which presumably means he’s something of a right-handed Billy Wagner, the current Atlanta closer who Braves fans and Sports Casualtists alike affectionately refer to as “Billy Wagner’s Decomposing Elbow,” or simply “The Remains of Billy Wagner.” Takeaway: when Wagner’s arm detaches in late May, Braves GM Frank Wren will ask the Rays to give total stud Rafael Soriano back. But Kimbrel would be a likely call-up candidate should the Rays decline.

There seem to be a lot of question marks/crappy fact checkers surrounding the 21-year-old, but we know one thing with absolute certainty. He looks like the token Irish dude in a Guy Ritchie film.

Also, he throws a devastating fastball that gives a rising illusion as it nears the plate – much like that of Byung-Hyun Kim’s, only with a tendency to stay in the yard. He’s got a violent motion, too, in which he lunges downward from the rubber, releases from a three-quarter angle, and plants his left leg short and hard, resulting in a Gibson-esque roundkick finish.

Pictures: bad at conveying throwing motion.

In 2009, he struck out an ungodly 103 and gave up just 30 hits in 60 innings of work between A-ball Rome and Triple-A Gwinnett (2 IP). Despite his “rising” movement, Kimbrel keeps the ball down. He allowed two home runs en route to a 2.85 ERA.

Bobby Cox, for one, is a huge fan and speaks of Kimbrel with the same longing and retroactive nostalgia that high school seniors reserve for the hot girl in the incoming freshmen class.

“That ball of his jumps at you,” the Braves manager tells MLB.com. “A scientist will tell you it’s an illusion, but it does come up a little bit… When he’s throwing strikes, he’s very impressive.”

Um, yeah, about that last part. Kimbrel’s kryptonite is the strike zone, as evidenced by last year’s 45 walks.

A hundred strikeouts? Studly. A 2.29 strikeouts-to-walks ratio? Not exactly bowling over The Talented Mr. Roto. Kimbrel has the control of a 4-year-old on speed. And my father, if he is reading this, is thinking of one-time Orioles closer Randy Myers right now.

Myers comparisons do not bode well for a long-term role in the ninth.

Kimbrel’s shown an encouraging command of the plate this spring, walking only three thus far. He’s pitched four innings, but still. Baby steps. Plus, the “0.00 ERA” looks good next to his name.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia0z9wx8l4w]

Like Gibson, only whiter and not as good.

A couple of final thoughts in the interest of bringing this puppy full circle. First, I very much yearn for the days of Chris Hammond, Mike Remlinger and, yes, even Kerry “Muttonchops” Ligtenberg. There’s nothing – and I mean nothing – more aggravating than a bad bullpen. It’s like busting your ass all semester only to blow months of hard work come finals. Difference is, Eric O’Flaherty hasn’t been drinking, or at least I don’t think he has. The way Eric pitches, you can’t be sure.

Will Kimbrel be the next John Smoltz? Probably not. But he sure as hell can be an upgrade over the criminally overrated Mike Gonzalez. (Enjoy Mike in Baltimore, Pops! He’s a head case.)

And secondly, and returning to my favorite subject, I’d like to recount a quick Heyward story courtesy of this morning’s Digital Online Learning Class. My friend Patrick – hardcore Phillies fan, former writer for the Philly Enquirer – spent spring break in Clearwater taking baseball pics for his master’s project. He offered this Heyward scouting report, totally unprovoked, from Braves-Phils a couple weeks ago: “I mean, you expect power from a guy that big. But oh my god, he looks like a young Jimmy Rollins on the base paths.”

Please, Frank. Don’t screw this up.

- Robbie

Tampa Bay Rays Stadium Bedlam

Cathedrals of the Game

In the spectrum of not-so-breaking news, Tampa Bay Rays ownership is not a huge fan of their team playing at Tropicana Field, America’s favorite giant warehouse. They’ve done all that they can to make the facility adequate, but it just does not invoke an ideal baseball atmosphere said owner Stuart Sternberg.

In 2008, then-St. Petersburg Mayor Rick Baker established a group called the ABC Coalition. The coalition’s job was to determine whether or not the Rays needed a new stadium, and they quickly decided that it was necessary. Their job then became finding the three best sites where a proposed stadium could possibly be built.

This is where they went from simple focus group to controversial entity.

Today, the ABC Coalition will meet with the Pinellas County Commission to discuss the three sites that they find most suitable for a stadium that has not even come close to being agreed upon yet. The part of this that sparks controversy is that two out of the three sites that they will discuss are located in neighboring Hillsborough County (read: Tampa for those of you unfamiliar with the area).

The Howard Frankland Bridge: 2010's Mason-Dixon Line

The Rays happen to be on one end of a contract that promises that they will play in the city of St. Petersburg until 2027. Let the technical evaluations begin.

I’ve heard many of the business explanations of this deal and honestly do not understand the vast majority of them. This is why I have simplified the scenario down to common language.

• The Rays are under contract to play in St. Petersburg until 2027, but teams break contracts like this all the time often leading to messy lawsuits.

• Rays ownership has said that the team simply cannot play at Tropicana Field for the remainder of this contract.

• The Rays draw some of the worst attendance in MLB playing in St. Petersburg.

• Tampa has roughly 100,000 more residents than St. Petersburg, but St. Petersburg officials almost seem more willing to let the Rays leave the state than cross the Howard Frankland Bridge.

• Charlotte, North Carolina, would really like a baseball team.

Now to even have this debate, one has to first assume that the Rays actually need a new stadium.

While Tropicana Field has been dubbed a league-wide laughing stock, it is actually not that terrible of a place. It is a comfortable environment for watching a game during the blistering Florida summers. The fact that the stadium is indoors attracts snickers from many, but also guarantees spectators that they will see a game after they make the 30-minute trek from Tampa. Yes, a retractable roof would be nice, but the Trop was built in 1990 and it’s not called SkyDome.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKN4IcXKJiA]

This does not cause a rain delay. Advantage: Trop.

So maybe the main reason to build a new stadium is to appease the owners and keep the Rays in the area all while increasing team profits to supplement a more consistently competitive payroll. A more convenient location would be nice as well. The Glazer family did this same thing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers when they bought the team in 1995 and it worked with the Tampa populace. Residents voted in favor of building Raymond James Stadium largely out of fear that the Bucs would leave town.

However, the Rays do not have nearly the civic support that the Bucs had at their similar juncture. St. Petersburg is an older community that is made almost entirely of northern transplant residents (read: Yankees and Red Sox fans). When news first surfaced that the Rays wanted to build a stadium that would likely use public finances, there was complete outrage.

Old folks protested outside of city hall in their favorite northeastern team gear and chanted for the Rays to please leave town. Hardly the bandwagon effect that Sternberg and friends were looking for.

But none of this was enough evidence for St. Petersburg politicians to admit that maybe their town wasn’t the best place for the Rays. When Hillsborough County Commissioner Ken Hagan invited the ABC Coalition to speak with the Hillsborough County Commission, St. Petersburg officials went into panic mode. Hagan tried to explain that he was more interested in making sure that the Rays do not leave the Tampa Bay area all together than he was claiming the team for Tampa, but the Pinellas suits generally didn’t listen.

However, if they looked around they wouldn’t have much trouble understanding why the Rays belong in Tampa.

St. Petersburg is a nice spring training town. So are Bradenton, Sarasota and Port Charlotte, but you won’t see anybody throwing those towns professional franchises anytime soon.

Sarasota: Beautiful, but not quite ready for the big time.

During their 2008 World Series runner-up season, the Rays averaged 22,259 fans per game, or a 52.8 percent attendance average. During a 2008-2009 campaign where they were among the worst teams in hockey, the Tampa Bay Lightning drew an average attendance of 16,497, or an 85.6 percent attendance average. The Lightning play their home games in downtown Tampa, one of the ABC Coalition’s three favorite locations.

If bad hockey can draw, good baseball will have no problem. Having a team in Tampa increases the sales of business season tickets which makes attendance a more consistent statistic. The Rays currently rely very heavily on walk-up crowds for most games.

Hockey in Tampa. An unlikely success.

There is of course the argument that no one city in the Tampa Bay area can supplement a major professional franchise by itself. However, just because that may be true doesn’t mean that it’s not more fiscally wise to place teams closer to the region’s major center of economy. When the Tampa Bay Rowdies became Tampa’s first professional sports franchise in 1975, they adopted the “Tampa Bay” distinction so that they would represent the entire Bay Area instead of just Tampa. That theory has since stuck, but it does not mean that Tampa isn’t the primary money-maker of the community.

The New England Patriots represent all of New England, but the Patriots play right outside of Boston, not in Maine.

This chaos will likely not have a clean ending. However, if the Rays end up moving to Charlotte instead of downtown Tampa or the Florida State Fairgrounds (where a $1 billion sports/entertainment complex is being discussed), than all fingers can be pointed across the Howard Frankland to St. Petersburg.

Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, conveniently located next to the fairgrounds.

Come on, Pinellas. Do it for the community.

-Bryan

Bubble Teams and Dirt Tracks: A Look Back at the Weekend

Seth Greenberg is not a happy camper.

Because I haven’t been able to burden you with my opinions since Friday, and because I don’t feel like unpacking yet, here is my recap of the weekend.

Where to begin with this weekend. For those of you who came across this post and immediately jumped to the conclusion that this is a rambling extension of ESPN’s never-ending March Madness bracket coverage, I’m sorry but that will not be the case. While I will later pretend that Selection Sunday made me an immediate expert on the 2010 college basketball season, right now is not the time for that.

Instead, this will be your official analysis of Selection Monday, the long underrated festival of seeding for the women’s NCAA tournament.

Just kidding.

On Saturday, I made a last minute trip to Joker Marchant Stadium in scenic Lakeland, Florida, for a spring training game between the New York Yankees and the Detroit Tigers. Over the course of a rather average, split-squad spring training game, I saw Johnny Damon hit a home run in his first game against his former employer, and Alex Rodriguez trot into a double play like his ex-wife Cynthia was waiting at first base with papers.

I also decided that Flying Tigers (the name of the Tigers Single-A Florida State League club) is one of the greatest team names ever, and made it a personal goal to see a game between the Lakeland Flying Tigers and the Charlotte Stone Crabs this summer. From our left field berm seats, my mom decided that Ryan Raburn is cute.

The pride of Charlotte County.

A late game realization that my Tampa Bay Rays would be journeying to Joker Marchant Stadium the following day assured my return to Lakeland 21 hours later.

Those who read my last two week-in-reviews understand that this was not a prototypical spring break for your humble correspondent. This year I simply returned home to Tampa and failed to even see a beach the entire week. So to stick with my trend of the unconventional spring break, I did not spend my last Saturday night of college’s favorite holiday at a beachside bar or on a sunset booze cruise. Instead, I went to East Bay Raceway, Hillsborough County’s very own dirt race track that is affectionately dubbed “The Clay by the Bay.”

It was opening night of the 2010 season at East Bay which meant two things: 96 cars were signed up to race in six different divisions, and the people-watching at East Bay, already a well-noted people-watching locale, was better than ever. There were drunken rednecks, mischievous kids and enough pregnant 16-year-olds to overflow a “Juno” casting call. There was even a couple celebrating their twelfth anniversary in the wooden bleachers and a young boy in front of us that resembled a character of Bill Engvall stand-up comedy lore.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH6sE8RMUuU]

“You know I love them corndogs!”

The crowd was so entertaining that it was at times difficult to focus on what was actually happening on the track. There was a “fan participation race” where a man nearly crashed his Chevy Blazer twice and a wreck in a late models race in which a car basically climbed the wall in front of us. All of these races took place with a giant puddle resting in turn four that made each installment seem like a scene from “Dukes of Hazzard.”

Toward the end of the night, friend Corey Frauenfelder turned to me and said “this better make Sports Casualties on Monday.” There you go, Corey.

This picture was not taken at East Bay, but it could have been.

Saturday night’s late Sportscenter was an array of conference tournament basketball mixed in with brief nods to spring training baseball. That was until the worldwide leader reminded me that there was a boxing match on Saturday night between Manny Pacquiao and somebody else. Don’t ask me to go back and look up the guy’s name. If he wants people to recall his name he should try throwing some punches.

Sportscenter’s coverage of the event was typical of most every boxing match that they have recapped in the last several years. A couple of photos, maybe a very short video clip or two if viewers are lucky. That is when the comparison came to me.

Boxing is kind of like Cuba.

Major boxing matches are kept in a form of secrecy that discourages anyone that doesn’t purchase the pay-per-view from knowing too much about the fight. Fights are reported from briefly and mysteriously as if the matches are taking place in enemy territory and being covered by an undercover source. Never has an event with an audience of 50,000 been cared about by so few.

Somebody snuck a camera inside. Get them!

Much like Cuba, there used to be some intrigue to this mystery, but now people have just grown indifferent. There’s cooler places to vacation than Havana, and UFC is more entertaining than boxing.

Sunday was final auditions for selection into the NCAA tournament. Apparently the selection folks were at the same baseball game that I was attending and missed Mississippi State near victory over Kentucky.

As I said earlier, I will not pretend to be a sudden expert in the arena of college basketball. There have been years when I could talk for days about Selection Sunday, but this is not one of those years. This is why instead of necessarily discussing individual teams, I feel the need to address theories. In specific, I want to talk about bubble teams.

Virginia Tech coach Seth Greenberg is angry that his team didn’t make the tournament field, and he is letting every media outlet possible know about it.

Seth, I thought you were great at South Florida and I enjoyed getting dominated by kids twice my size at your basketball camps as a young child, but you’re wrong here. “Bubble team” isn’t just a moniker thrown upon a team for no reason. Teams are bubble teams because they didn’t do enough during the season to assure themselves a spot in the tournament. I have much more respect for a No. 3 seed arguing that it’s not a No. 2 than somebody that can’t take care of business trying to whine about getting snubbed.

Now not heavily included in the hours of ESPN rants about filling out your brackets was the unusual nature in which the Florida Gators made the tournament. No, this was not even covered in ESPN U’s “Bracket All-Nighter” that featured commentary from a pizza delivery man and a half-naked Wild Bill of Utah State fame. That’s not a joke.

Guess which one is Wild Bill.

As a Florida student, I am supposed to sit back and rejoice over the fact that my Gators are in the tournament. After all, I’m not just a student at Florida, I’m also a lifelong fan of Gator athletics. However, I just simply can’t get behind this particular squad getting into the tourney for a couple of reasons.

I simply don’t believe that they have earned their place in the tournament. In fact, I believe that you would be truly hard-pressed to find someone who actually believes that they do belong in the field. The Gators have a limited number of quality wins and finished the season at a dragging pace. Hardly a combination that makes a team effective in March.

However, in most years I wouldn’t care. My teams have taken plenty of victories that they didn’t deserve in the past, and I have never minded one of them. So why does the same not hold true for this year’s edition of Gator hoops?

This team is unlikeable.

This is not breaking news. Ever since the “Gator Boys” and their dual national titles left, Gator basketball teams have played with a sense of entitlement that they do not deserve to carry. They have run a substantial part of Gator athletics into the ground, taking hoops from the most dizzying heights of Gainesville pride to the depths of half-empty arenas.

Last offseason’s departure of Nick Calathes to Greece may have been a perfect metaphor for this team. Given the interest, most any of the players on this team would jet for foreign dollars. It’s hard to see any form of orange and blue tinted passion in anybody on the current roster.

An ocean away, his presence is still felt.

Rant over.

Happy March Madness.

-Bryan

24, Presented by Jack Bauer: Cavs-Celtics

Actually, this is probably a fair matchup.

What better way to celebrate Selection Sunday than talk pro hoops? Just a quick thought on the Tourney, though: how in the hell did Georgetown land a 3 seed? A 3 seed?! REALLY!? No, I’m just kidding. I have no clue. Congrats on a great season, JT3.

So here’s the setup. The league-leading Cavs have the Celts in Cleveland with both teams at relative full strength. The Kingsmen, as you know, are missing one 350-pound, third greatest center of all-time, but we’re going to discount him… mainly ‘cause he has tits. Shaq will be back in 4 weeks.

Meanwhile, Boston, currently 10 games back and in the fourth seed, is still considered a title contender by the dumb, blind and 10-year-olds with KG posters above their beds. I say the run – all two years of it – is over, and aim to write something of a eulogy with this post.

We pick up at the start of the second half – hence the title. We’re talking 24 minutes, people. Stay with me. And as far as I know, Jack Bauer is not involved. 54-43, Cavs.

________________

Third Quarter

Re: LeBron James has no post game. Wrong. He has a developing post game. LeBron has a go-to move where he backs his smaller guy into the paint, spins to his right, swings his elbow into the dude’s ribs and floats a fall-away baby hook. It’s a thing of beauty, and far more graceful in HD than in print. 

10:02: Here’s the thing about The King that bothers me… He’s an A student at the Dwyane Wade Institute of Overreacting. Kevin Garnett slaps LeBron in the face on a drive to the hoop. Twenty Three hits the deck like he’s been Jay Eff Kayed. This guy’s 6’9”, 270. He shouldn’t flinch at a bulldozer.

8:46: Bron Bron’s still squinting hard and rubbing his eye. I used to do this after missing layups, only I didn’t have a two-handed tomahawk to make me suddenly feel better. 60-56, Boston.

After LeBron made a fallaway three-pointer with the shot clock expiring in the first quarter.

I’ve been on the record comparing KG to Heather Mills. I take that back. Garnett is Heather Mills with a jump shot. He maintains the right knee is healthy, but he favors it when he glide-hobbles from side to side. On D, he takes these long, ginger side strides to stay in front of his defender. I’d say he’s 11 in big dog years – not crapping himself yet and can still chase the ball. But the back wheels are shot and he wets the carpet once a week.

3:30: Anderson Varejao bangs for a loose ball under his own basket and finds LeBron for a wide open 18-footer. Swish. On the other end, Rajon Rondo finds Rasheed Wallace in his natural habitat – 24-feet out on the wing and either waiting for a kickout pass or a hot dog. Whichever comes first. He clanks a three, conveniently allowing me an opening to tell you why Varejao and ‘Sheed are polar opposites.

Varejao: Zero discernible talent other than rebounding knack; chippy defender who busts his ass on both ends; quick enough to switch on pick and rolls; always hustles and is always around the basket to get garbage points

Wallace: All the discernible talent in the world and special knack for not giving a s***; defender in name only who busts his ass when there’s a check on the line; quick enough to switch on pick and rolls 20 pounds ago; hustle? What hustle?; and is always around the arc to take an ill-advised three.

Also, ‘Sheed is making $20 million over the next two years. Danny Ainge just poured himself another shot of Jack.

Moments before Andy punched 'Sheed in the balls.

Fourth Quarter

Coach Mike Brown to Lisa Salters about LeBron’s bout with death: “I knew he’d be okay.” Translation: “LeBron is both a wuss and my meal ticket.” 80-72, Cavs.

10:30: Glen Davis, Marquis Daniels, Nate Robinson, ‘Sheed, and Michael Finley are on the court for the Celtics. That’s a team I’d go to war with, provided “war” means “The Sweet 16.” Finley, in particular, is a corpse. He’s 37-year-old and the Spurs – a team that’s trying to make a playoff push – said see-yah. Now the Celtics expect him to fill that Gary-Payton-With-2006-Heat role, in which a former star who was never a particularly good three-point guy to begin with stands on the perimeter and jacks up threes.

Hey, Doc Rivers: I’ll do that for free. Seriously. No charge. 84-72, Cavs.

8:20: Doc sends in Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Rondo. Pierce is inexplicably at the power forward spot because the Cavs are playing Antawn Jamison, LeBron and Jamario Moon up front. Still, nobody can run with a small Cavs lineup, especially a 32-year-old Pierce. Regardless, now the Big 3 ½ are on the floor… That’s Pierce, Allen, Rondo, plus KG’s arms and torso.

7:14: Play-by-play man Mike Breen as Cleveland runs the C’s out of the building: “And the lead has ballooned just like that to 17 as the Cavs get a standing ovation.” So that was effective.

6:54: Boston scores its first two points in 7 minutes on a Garnett turnaround, baby hook in the post. Question for you prompted by a LaDainian Tomlinson Nike commercial last timeout: What’s turned faster? Last night’s bottle of merlot, LT’s career, Maria Bartiromo’s career or the Big 3 Era Celtics? I’m going with Maria, but only because the Hilson family had her pegged as the next Sophia Loren. Oops.

Bartiromo: One-time vixen.

Color man Jeff Van Gundy: “I’m not going to set the over/under of LeBron James’ weight at 260… I’m setting the bar at 265.” Coach Jeff: mastering “Riley Ball” defense, not the concept of over/under.

3:32: Remember how Coach Calipari’s Memphis team couldn’t shoot free throws two years ago, and every Dick Vitale said this would come back to bite ‘em in the ass come crunch time? Yeah, that’s Cleveland. And Jamison’s stripe performance is the 32 percent elephant in the room. Seriously, he’s shooting 32 percent from the line in March. Two for eight today. And he’s hitting 42 percent this month from deep. Go figure.

2:16: Ray Allen buries another three in transition. Straight net. I’m scraping for Celtics positives – this game’s over – but here’s one: Ray Ray can play till he’s 40 in the Steve Kerr/Aging Reggie Miller role. Great crunch time scorer with a stroke straight out of the “Better Basketball” vid. He’s streaky, but he can be your go to guy even as KG and Pierce go the way of the Plymouth Prowler.

1:00: Just so you know how we got here: LeBron. He scored 24 in the second half on the back of his patented put-my-head-down-and-barrel-to-the-rim finesse move… for which Pierce, Rondo and Daniels had no answer. 104-93, Cavs. It’s over. The game, yeah, but I was referring to the Celtics’ title hope. And it’s not like you can accuse me of overreacting to a meaningless game in mid March. 

 - Robbie

Soccer and Olbermann: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

The Sports Guy: One-half of the Great Internet Nerd War.

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever. To read Robbie Hilson’s far more thoughtful take on the week, click here. My name is in the lede, so it’s probably pretty good.

This will likely be the last time that I report to you, loyal Sports Casualties reader, from the spring break paradise of Tampa’s Carrollwood oasis. Over the last week, I have admittedly slacked off and let this raucous environment get the best of me. I come to you with no apologies, only hangovers and X’s on my hands (13 more days, 13 more days).

When I return on Monday, it will be from the familiar confines of my Gainesville apartment. University, as our foreign friends like to call it, will be back in session, and my life will be consumed by this sacred Web site and over-demanding professors.

But for now, the skies are clear and the Coronas are flowing. And by that I mean that I still haven’t changed out of what I slept in last night, I carry the aroma of a smoke-filled bar and Tampa hasn’t seen sunlight in roughly two days. The cloud cover and rain are so thick that I am beginning to feel as if I am in a real-life version of “Independence Day.” Russell Casse please save me.

Make it sunny again.

Let’s do this.

We honestly wouldn’t be a real sports blog if we didn’t address the ongoing Internet feud between MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and ESPN.com writer Bill Simmons. Before we begin discussing this issue, I must say, in the name of journalistic objectivity, that I’m not really objective at all in this area.

I like Bill Simmons. I don’t like Keith Olbermann. I enjoy sports and pop culture. I’m not a huge MSNBC kind of guy. Anybody who has read SC can probably tell that Simmons is one of our larger influences. You can think differently about this and jump to a pretty clear conclusion on my personal beliefs. I promise I won’t judge you for it.

The reason why I can't watch "Football Night in America."

The aspect of this that I believe everyone will agree with is that this is a clash between two men who A) made names for themselves in rather untraditional manners and B) have quite sizeable egos. Olbermann went from Sportscenter anchor to “political analyst.” Simmons went from small-time Holy Cross graduate and bartender to television writer to ESPN Internet sensation who writes as a fan instead of a journalist.

The clash is pretty elementary: Olbermann doesn’t think that Simmons has any talent, Simmons doesn’t want to be Olbermann when he grows up, neither thinks the other deserves the career that he has.

Robbie Hilson might have put it best when he said that “America loses” when two egomaniacs go after each other like this. It is unlikely that either will gain any new fans or admirers because of this. I hereby declare myself done talking about it.

Thanks to random Google Reader updates, this morning I discovered that Major League Soccer is likely on the brink of a player’s strike. To say that this is a dumb idea is like saying that this blog is kind of sarcastic. If this strike actually happens, it will be one of the more ignorant things in sports today.

MLS is the only real major outlet for professional soccer in America. It is already at-best only the second-most popular soccer league for Americans, so things aren’t exactly riding glorious for MLS efforts.

Add that into the fact that Americans get excited about soccer exactly once every four years, meaning that players would be striking during their one opportunity to capitalize on that momentum. Nobody will ever confuse me with a FOX Business Channel analyst, but I just don’t see the economic upside in this train of thought.

Fox Business Name-Drop: Solely an excuse to include a picture of anchor Sandra Smith.

Sticking with strange ideas, baseball announced their latest concept for “freshening up the product” this week. The plan? Rapid realignment. Let’s just let everybody choose what division that they want to play in on an annual basis. Why the hell not?

The scary thing about this is that there were actually a couple of mildly decent explanations that MLB gave for this revelation. For example, teams like the Tampa Bay Rays could escape the yearly grind of being trapped with the all-powerful Red Sox and Yankees while the Cleveland Indians could take their spot in the AL East to help boost attendance during a rebuilding year.

Examples like that almost make this ridiculously impractical theory sound practical.However, I won’t allow you to fool me again this time, Bud Selig. Better luck next year.

Also in baseball, Nomar Garciaparra offically announced his retirement on Wednesday and was able to sign a one day contract with Boston meaning that he would get to retire as a member of the Red Sox. This brought some closure to a career that can only be described as weird.

Taunting Boston fans with his name's surplus of the letter "R."

I’ve never been a fan of the Red Sox (correction: I despise the Red Sox and all that they stand for). However, this was truly a classy gesture to a man that legitimately deserves such. Garciaparra’s career became an awkward blur after he was traded out of Boston six years ago and it is nice to see it end in a circular motion instead of a cliff jump.

College basketball is dominating the sports landscape right now with conference tournaments seemingly never not on television and Selection Sunday just a couple of days away. It is with this in mind that I make a shameless and almost certainly pointless plug for my hometown team.

Dear NCAA selection committee, please find it in your hearts to let the USF Bulls partake in the 2010 edition of March Madness. Yes, I know that they needed to win more than one game in the Big East tournament to be a realistic consideration, and I know that almost everyone is assuming that they’re NIT bound. But please, if there’s a team that needs this more than anyone, it’s my Bulls.

It’s not like they have a terrible resume. They’re a 20-win team in the best conference in college basketball. Could Washington, Arizona State or Florida (me universidad), have done that? I say no.

C'mon NCAA, do it for the fans.

Yes, the NIT is a step-up from the Bulls previous seasons of futility, but this year should be different. This team is different. So NCAA, it is with humble desperation that I beg you one last time. Please let USF into the big dance. I can’t deal with too many more “NIT Appearance” banners.

While finishing on the topic of basketball, here is an example of SC utilizing the latest in technological reporting.

“Feel free to include something about U basketball’s second straight upset.” – text message from Robbie Hilson.

There you go, Robbie. Enjoy the short ode to Miami basketball.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXRrqwD1GRo]

Mike Leach doesn’t want to hear your Bible-thumping on his football field.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EGG85-efMk]

I believe the words “epic fail” apply here.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p4b7B2t1OA]

Umm…yeah.

What to Watch on Television this Weekend

Because although we live in a country where we are free to watch whatever we want, deep down inside we still want people to tell us what to watch.

NCAA Conference Tournaments – A lot of channels – A lot of times

I can’t really pick one to target, but conference tourney weekend is typically one of great excitement. It’s also fun to watch because deep down it pisses off Skip Bayless.

Enjoy your weekend.

-Bryan