"Angry Canadians" and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

The Great One: Not Happy With Sports Casualties

In an unprecedented move, Sports Casualties will reverse the order of this week’s “Review” columns. Much like when “Sunday NFL Countdown” airs on Saturday, I stubbornly refuse to pull the “Redux” from the title. To read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports, click here.

This is a bittersweet afternoon for the folks over at Sports Casualties. On the one hand, our final post on the NBA trade deadline was linked to an ESPN-affiliated TrueHoops blog. On the other hand, the post in question may or may not have concluded with “Canada sucks.”

So little did I know, when I awoke at 10:39 a.m. after a night of rowdy figure skating watching, that A) I had slept through my 15 minutes of fame and B) the “Canada sucks” line had set off an international cyber riot that threatens to thrust the U.S. into a third war that we simply cannot afford. (If you think I’m joking, check the comments… I, for one, did not know Canucks had this in them.)

Now if you’re familiar with the creative minds at Sports Casualties, you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this whole cross-border fiasco sparked a zealous philosophical text-message debate that went something along these lines:

Co-Author A: “Do we apologize to Canada and the roughly 111 people that want to burn us in effigy under a pile of hockey sticks?”

Co-Author B: “’Fargo’ was kind of cool… Was that filmed in Canada?”

Co-Author A: “No.”

Co-Author B: “Then we hold our ground.”

I was fully satisfied with this conclusion until I turned on the television at 11 a.m. looking for a LeBron recap only to see my once-beloved Tiger Woods embarrass himself in front of millions upon millions of unforgiving moralists.

And it is precisely at this point that I came to a somewhat sobering realization: Canada doesn’t suck. Being hated sucks.

Sports Casualties, Like TW: Awesome, Loathed By Many

Here’s what I can say for our Northern Neighbors. You’ve provided me two fantastic vacations, a crappy one to Prince Edward Island, wide-open spaces and many a Wayne Gretzky thrill. Apparently it doesn’t snow much in Vancouver, but that’s not your fault. Also, I know from first hand experience that one “Banff” is loaded with wild antelope-looking creatures that walk right up to tourists and try to eat their ice cream. This is pretty cool.

So no hard feelings, Canada. You’re still not re-signing Chris Bosh and you have a hell of a time taking a joke, but you’re O.K. by me. I leave you with this olive branch and the hope that, one day, we may be friends.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meLpuF9UMvk]

Sports: The Great Uniter. Also… (*goosebumps*)

On that note, it’s time for Week in Review.

Scientists this week discovered that Egyptian pharaoh Tutankhamen likely died of malaria some 32 centuries ago. The breaking news updated the pharaoh’s legend for a new generation who, quite frankly, seemed flatly unimpressed.

Nineteen year-old boy king? Uh, hello. LeBron James?

Sticking with Kingly news, the Cleveland Cavaliers opted to forego their ill-fated pursuit of deadline consolation prize Amare Stoudemire, pulling a shockingly level-headed 180 that landed the Cavs forward Antawn Jamison.

In awe of Cleveland GM Danny Ferry, a flabbergasted Al Michaels released a statement reading, “Do you believe in miracles? YES!”

This week in The Difference Between TV and Radio, Tony Kornheiser on his ESPN 980 show said the following of a possible male enhancement sponsorship for Blazers center Greg Oden:

“Greg Oden could scare the horses! That’s unbelievable!”

Kornheiser’s relatively offensive/flattering line launched a discussion of a new ExtenZE commercial featuring former University of Miami football coach Jimmy Johnson. Sports purists are bashing Johnson for his endorsement of the new Viagra competitor, but coach is quite obviously just repping the new-school Hurricanes slogan: Bigger. Stronger. Faster.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lCku52Y_YE]

Go ‘Canes.

As noted, Tiger Woods read a televised statement today asking forgiveness from, among others, his fellow golfers… before he rejoins the PGA Tour and makes them wish they’d never opened their mouths in the first place. In a related story, Ernie Els is enjoying his last few weeks of relevance.

On Thursday’s “Pardon the Interruption,” Michael Wilbon responded to the idea that ABC, NBC, and CBS would air Tiger’s conference live by saying, “This is the greatest overreaction in the history of network television!”

He added, “And I know a little something about overreacting.”

In further “PTI” news, Kobe Bryant joined Mike and Tony on Wednesday to discuss his team’s chances at repeating. When asked if he would like to see LeBron and the Cleveland Cavaliers in the finals, Kobe responded, “We could play E.T. for all I care.”

It’s of little coincidence that the Lakers guard went out of his way to cite another superhuman from outer space.

In case you haven’t heard: Sports Casualties loves The King.

This goes for us, too.

During a typically frantic NBA trade deadline, Phoenix GM Steve Kerr passed on a string of potential moves that would have turned Amare Stoudemire and his sizable 2010-2011 player option into young pieces and cap space.

To the chagrin of his Phoenix constituency, after Cleveland fell out of the running, Kerr pretty much quit on any trade efforts and decided that his assets were too good for the rest of the league.

In other words, he pulled an Evan Bayh.

Last weekend, contentious talks within the league cranked up even before the deadline as Cleveland center Shaquille O’Neal called out Orlando center Dwight Howard for stealing his “Superman” moniker.

“Superman my ass,” a feisty O’Neal said after a Cavs 115-106 victory over the Magic on Feb. 11.

On a roll and seeing no reason to quit while ahead, Shaq also called out one-time teammate Kobe Bryant, saying, “Kobe, tell me how my Superman tastes.”

In a heartwarming Winter Games moment, 36 year-old Suns guard and Alpha-Canadian Steve Nash helped light the Olympic flame during Vancouver’s opening ceremonies last Friday.

This struck some as ironic given Nash torches opposing point guards every night and the Suns lit the back end of his career on fire.

Another Superb Canadian

During the NBA’s All-Star Weekend in Dallas, Charles Barkley said to announcer Kevin Harlan during the Rookie Challenge, “Charles Barkley! With no regard for human life! I want to hear you say that just once in my life.”

To his credit, Harlan avoided the obvious DUI joke.

The Dallas festivities got off to a rocky start when NBA players met to discuss owners’ initial collective bargaining offer, ultimately tearing up the proposal during a heated 90-minute session.

Surprisingly, LeBron, Carmelo and Kevin Garnett were in attendance, lending their much-needed star power and combined 4 months of college experience to the proceedings.

Last Friday’s celebrity all-star game shone a light on the bawling talents and budding careers of rapper Pitbull, Scooter Christensen, Michael Rapaport, and Doctor Oz, among others.

No truth to the rumor that ESPN lost a bet with the producers of “The Surreal Life.” 

The celeb game was a bittersweet affair for Lakers fans who, upon seeing Rick Fox, were abruptly reminded of Joe Namath in an L.A. Rams uni. But Los Angelenos at least got to see first hand what Robert Horry’s been up to since his retirement – namely, eating.

I swear, this was the first thing that came up.

Thoughts on Daytona from a NASCAR infidel: greatest 6 hour, 14 minute race I’ve ever seen.

This week, new face of the NFL Drew Brees continued his post-Super Bowl whirlwind tour by stopping in on Letterman, holding Mardi Gras court as the Monarch of Bacchus and paying several visits to sick children in New Orleans hospitals.

Next week, Brees will cure cancer and end world hunger, but only should his scheduled meeting at the Israeli-Palestinian Peace Accords fall through.

I could go on, but we’re at 1,200 words. God bless America and God bless Canada doubly.

Time for a buzzer beater. You’ve been great.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmZFf4rn70c]

- Robbie

Jamison to Cavs and Other Madness: A Final Dispatch from the NBA Trade Post

Somebody's got a new playmate...

TNT’s studio team is running the five-man weave tonight. This can only mean one thing: the NBA trade deadline has come and gone. Below are quick takes on all the big deals, ranked in order of bigness… I feel an ExtenZE sponsorship coming on. Click here for the previous dispatch.

Trade: Antawn Jamison and Sebastian Telfair to Cleveland; Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Al Thorton, Cavs first round pick to Washington; Drew Gooden to Los Angeles Clippers.

SC Take: Cleveland GM Danny Ferry must have been reading Sports Casualties Trade Dispatches because he wisely passed up deadline siren Amare Stoudemire for sure-thing Jamison. ‘Tawn provides what Amare can’t: namely, a refined low-post scorer who can stretch defenses with his long-range shooting. He’s also a rock in the locker room, desperate to win a championship and at least gives it a college try on the defensive end. Jamison gets a lot of hustle baskets, which are the perfect kind of baskets to get if you happened to be paired with the best playmaker in the league. On the downside, Jamison turns 34 in June and has $28 million left on his contract. The bottom line for Cleveland is the same as it’s been for 2 years: Win. Now. As for the Wiz, they shed another big contract and picked up an athletic forward in the process. They think Thorton is a guy they can rebuild with. I say he’s an undisciplined ballhog who needs good coaching and a stable supporting cast. Maybe we’re both right.

Additional Notes: The Cavs expect Big Z to come back home once the Wizards buy out his $11.5 million contract. But Cleveland basically told their 12-year starter to take a hike Wednesday. Ilgauskas isn’t a doorstop. Don’t be surprised if he signs with the newly Dampier-less Mavs instead.

"You'd be happy to leave this hellhole, too."

Trade: Kevin Martin, Jordan Hill, Jared Jeffries, Hilton Armstrong, Knicks 2012 first round pick, and rights to swap 2011 Knicks first round pick to Houston; Tracy McGrady and Sergio Rodriguez to New York; Carl Landry, Joey Dorsey and Larry Hughes to Sacramento.

SC Take: Per usual, Rockets GM Daryl “Dork Elvis” Morey made out like a bandit playing cops and robbers with a bunch of kindergarteners. This is what happens when you’re the smartest guy in the room and have degrees from both MIT and Northwestern – you score a 27 year-old coming off a 25 ppg season, land two young big men for the price of one, and undress Knicks GM Donnie Walsh in the process. Walsh would have done just about anything to pick up T-Mac’s $23 million expiring contract, and “anything” is exactly what he did. So here’s where the Knicks stand: they already traded away their 2010 first rounder to Utah, now they’ve swapped 2011 picks with a playoff team, unloaded their 2012 pick to said team AND gave away their 2009 first round pick (No. 8 overall) in the form of Hill. The T-Mac move clears an additional $9 million of cap space, leaving New York a whopping $30 mill to spend in the LeBron-a-palooza. Walsh has effectively placed his last remaining chips in the center of the table and cashed-in on his future in the process. Let me just warn: there will be losers in this game of offseason roulette – for the Knicks, this could mean a 3-piece core of Rudy Gay, Joe Johnson, Danilo Gallinari. Eesh.

Additional Notes: Sacramento in effect gave away Kevin Martin for Carl Landry and cap space. I like Landry – he’s a young overachiever who busts his ass on both ends of the floor. But I don’t understand why you throw in the towel on Martin. If you’re in the Kings front office, you have to know that you’re not the hottest free agent destination. And so you give all your cards to Tyreke Evans, an out-of-position point guard who should be playing the two only he can’t shoot a lick? I would have let the Martin-Evans experiment play out for longer than 21 games before totally scrapping it. The worst position to be in is having to shed salary, not so you can make an offseason splash, but so you don’t loose a crapload of money. Hard to believe Sacramento was an elite franchise just 7 or 8 seasons ago.

Coach Killer

Trade: Tyrus Thomas to Charlotte; Acie Law, Flip Murray and a protected future first round pick to Chicago.

SC Take: I guess when you start threatening your coach, it’s a good sign that you’re on your way out. Thomas couldn’t get along with coach Vinny “Inspiration for Curly Stooge” Del Negro, and so Bulls GM John Paxson shipped him to Charlotte. It’s a nice move for the Bobcats, who pick up a freakishly athletic big man with a boatload of potential. If Thomas is going to get his head right, it’s under the Tony-Kornhieser-Loves-Him-So-He-Must-Be-Great tutelage of Larry Brown. The Bulls apparently feel that their guy was expendable given the promising play of big man Taj Gibson, who put up a nice little 14-16 last night in a Thomas sendoff. Chicago also sent packing John Salmons and the $5.8 million left on his deal. In total, the team added 4 expiring contracts and sent D-Wade a late Valentine for good measure.

Additional Notes: I don’t understand why Paxson hasn’t canned Del Negro yet. But if he’s going to let him go the distance this season, moving Thomas was a good move – he was a practice whistle away from pulling a Sprewell.

Other Winners and Losers: While some guys were wheeling and dealing, Phoenix GM Steve Kerr and Toronto GM Bryan Colangelo were simply asleep at the wheel. Kerr couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger on an Amare deal (potentially bringing in J.J. Hickson, a first round pick and cap relief in the process), and so will be on the other side of this trigger when Stoudemire holds his team up in the offseason. The Suns will try to convince their forward to re-up, or at the very least, opt-in to his $18 million option… We’ve been down the Nash/Stoudemire road before, and it ends in the first round.

For his part, Colangelo thinks the Raptors have more than the shot I give them to resign Bosh. I give them a shot in hell. The Raptors will essentially let walk one of the premier all-around forwards in basketball – this after they spent about $50 million on Hedu Turkoglu. The lesson here as always: Canada sucks.

- Robbie

Defeat the World: Day Seven of the Winter Olympics

Americans rejoice!

On the sixth day of these Vancouver games, the United States proved to the world what it should have already known. We’re better than you.

That’s right Canada, it doesn’t matter that 75 percent of your country is made of permafrost and eskimos. Enjoy your miserable weather and your cheesy national police force because we’re taking over the winter and next on our list is your beloved hockey.

In case you can’t tell by my obnoxious literary flag waving, day six of the Winter Olympics was a good day for the Americans. To be less humble and more specific, it was the best day that the Americans have ever had at the eskimo games. The U.S. won six medals on Wednesday with three of those being the giant, deformed pancake variety of gold that is being handed out in Vancouver.

But my medal is unsymmetrical...

In the eloquent words of Shaun White’s coach Bud Keane, the freedom fighters really went out and “stomped the s**t” out of the competition.

Yes, there were no greater stars of the day than American snowboarder Shaun White, who successfully defended his Torino halfpipe gold in rather easy fashion, and skier Lindsey Vonn, who overcame her much touted shin injury to win an emotional gold in the women’s downhill. Speedskater Shani Davis took the third gold in a performance that I’m sure was highly patriotic and awesome although I did not get to see it.

Not only did Vonn take gold, but her teammate and fellow hot American, Julia Mancuso, took silver in an event that was highlighted by three brutal crashes. We’re talking extreme faceplant action.

Flags in your face, Canada!

Commentary on the women’s downhill created one of the unintentionally edgy moments of the day. While explaining the skiing style of one of the competitors, the female commentator noted that “she really likes it rough and bumpy.” Her male counterpart, overrun with the thought of several inappropriate one-line comebacks, simply sat in awkward silence for a few moments before responding with “well, that’s an advantage for her.”

In the world of snowboarding, White proved that he is still far superior to anyone that has ever even thought about riding a snowboard by winning gold on what he had set as his “conservative” run, and then landing a trick that only he can land on his victory lap run, just to keep himself entertained. While White has become a national star, he apparently has not garnered the iconic status that it takes to have your name spelled correctly. This morning’s top Google trend? “Sean White Olympics 2010.”

Domination

As mentioned earlier, White and his coach also drew the dismay of NBC executives when cameras picked up a profanity and fist bump-laden conversation between the two right before White’s final run. And people wonder why the vast majority of these games are being broadcasted under a taped delay. These winter hoodlums cannot be trusted in mainstream America!

On irrelevant halfpipe side notes, the outfits that the U.S. snowboarders wore for the competition were awesome and if I lived in any variation of extremely cold weather, I would wear them daily. That is not a joke. Also, the American flag bandanas that Shaun White adds to the wardrobe are a nice touch. Just saying.

Not only did these courageous Americans defeat all those of inferior nationalities, they also took an initial step in protecting American culture from the treacherous totalitarian that has held recent dominance. Yes, I am referring to the evil giant that is “American Idol.” For the first time in six years, Idol was not the highest rated program in its timeslot on Wednesday. That honor went to NBC Olympic coverage. One step closer to saving the country.

Aside from the downhill podium ceremony, one of the highlights of NBC’s late night coverage was Bob Costas’ interview with comedic news personality and sponsor of the U.S. speedskating team, Stephen Colbert. Colbert, who just a few nights before had jokingly said on his own show that he planned on stabbing Costas, was humorous as usual when questions regarding speedskater Davis, who was openly opposed to Colbert’s sponsorship, were directed at him. In true Colbert style, he ended the interview by jumping into the fake fireplace that Costas and Matt Lauer often cuddle beside.

Today’s curling fun fact: Vernon Davis is the honorary captain of the U.S. men’s curling squad. He may be the worst honorary captain ever as he is not set to arrive in Vancouver until Friday. The U.S. men’s curling team has already played four matches, they have lost all four.

Vernon Davis: Curling's Jackie Robinson

Today’s Olympic activities are pretty simple. Tonight is the women’s snowboard halfpipe competition and that is must-see television. Now correspondents will tell you that men’s figure skating and skiing are today’s major events, but as you know, SC frowns upon men’s figure skating, and I just have a weird ESP feeling that Vonn is going to wreck in her combine race today, just saying. That leaves you with snowboarding, or as Tony Kornheiser calls it, “that young kid nonsense.”

So what is the appeal to tonight’s halfpipe festivities? Good looking Olympians, duh. Why else do you watch the Olympics?

Now there are plenty to choose from, but my personal favorite is Hannah Teter. Teter is fresh off of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot and even has her own brand of underwear. The brand name? Sweet Cheeks. Oh yeah, she’s also the defending gold medalist in halfpipe.

Did I mention that she has her own ice cream?

AMERICA!

Happy winter…from Florida.

-Bryan

"Lost": Season 6, Episode 4 Recap

You're welcome

Danny Ferry has heeded my cries. Jamison to the Cavs. Lindsey Vonn picks up her first Olympic gold medal. Lindsey is way hot. Now let’s talk “Lost.”

As always, we start off this episode with a season recap. So let me get this off my chest: if you detonate an A-bomb from two feet away, you’re not going to live to give the emotional death-in-the-arms-of-a-loved-one monologue. You’re just not. You’re going to be splattered all over the island. I’m looking at you, Juliet. 

Let’s do this.

We’re back in the post-plane landing timeline. While John Locke tries to get out of his van in a wheelchair, he inadvertently chucks himself onto the front lawn. The sprinklers go off and all I can think to myself is, “Geeze, this poor guy looks more immobile than Kevin Garnett.” Funny thing – On Locke’s ABC player page, he’s listed as, “John Locke: one less working leg than KG.” Short and to the point. A little offensive to the handicapped and Celtics fans, but I can appreciate it.

Sprinting out of the house to Locke’s rescue is none other than Katey Sagal, otherwise known as the Larry Brown of primetime TV. Off the top of my head… Sagal’s had starring roles in “Married with Children,” “8 Simple Rules,” “Futurama,” and is currently working “Sons of Anarchy.”

Kind of a network whore, wouldn’t you say? Don’t tell this to Locke – he’s apparently engaged to her. We’ll call Ms. Locke “Helen,” because that’s her name, and she wants Locke to check up with the spinal surgeon he met in the airport i.e. Jack.

Flash to Locke as the Smoke Monster scouring the island in a different time dimension. It’s a good time to admit that, much like the NBA’s trade exceptions, I follow “Lost” closely and still don’t understand it at all.

Locke's new girlfriend

Locke/Smoke Monster cuts down Richard from a boobie (Gibson) trap in the middle of the jungle. He says, “Time to talk.” And we get the spinning LOST intro, which not so long ago used to be absolutely riveting. I’m afraid to say: this show’s gone downhill faster than Ryan Leaf’s pro career.

Back to post-landing Locke. He wheels into the office and his boss calls him out for taking a personal trip to Australia on the company dime. As Scott Van Pelt’s Ego would say, John Locke is FIYA’ED! Most heartless canning I’ve seen since the Braves dumped John Smoltz.

Back to Smoke Monster Locke. Remember those flashing headaches the characters would get a few seasons back when they jumped timelines too quickly? Yeah, that’s me. Smoke Monster Locke sees a ghost kid – a tiny, white boy who has bloody hands…

Ben explains to Ilana that Locke killed Jacob by turning into the Smoke Monster. Ben: “He turned into a pillar of black smoke.” That’s funny because that’s exactly how Dwyane Wade describes Michael Beasley blazing up.

Smoke Monster Locke stumbles into one of the Dharma Initiative houses only to find a wasted Sawyer blaring “Search and Destroy” from a beat up turntable.

Iggy makes his "Lost" debut

I’m of two minds about this. First, I want to formally announce that after five plus seasons, I’m officially on Sawyer’s side. If I was sequestered on a haunted jungle island with no hope of rescue, I would be doing EXACTLY the same thing – pounding JD with the Stooges cranked full blast. That’s the way to go.

But here’s where I take issue with all of the “brilliant” indecipherable twists and turns that the hardcore “Lost” fans pour over on message boards and the like. If the “Lost” writers are really as crafty as the their reputations would have you believe, you’d think they’d avoid flubbing the pop culture timeline so badly.

Here’s where my years of misspent youth come into play… The version of “Search and Destroy” that’s playing in the background was not officially released until 1997. The original recording of “Raw Power” – the one from 1973 that I assume the writers were going for (since Dharma started going to the island in the 1970s) – was so notoriously overmixed that 1) it was virtually unlistenable and 2) the record label insisted that David Bowie rework the initial recording. He did, and that one was a distorted trainwreck as well. Not until the late ‘90s, when Iggy Pop finally remixed and remastered the original “Raw Power” did a viable recording– or at least something that could be played on ABC – become available to the public.

My point is this: there’s really no chance that the version of the album that Sawyer plays could be on the island. My friend Amber – obsessive “Lost” enthusiast – defends the whole “Search and Destroy” debacle by suggesting that the Dharma Initiative people could have brought the record with them on a subsequent visit to the project.

Not buying. You’re telling me Dharma brought a 1997 remastered vinyl edition of “Raw Power” to the island, but didn’t think to upgrade the 25 year-old turntable it’s playing on? That’s like buying a Ferrari and fitting it with $100 tires. No way.

"Do I look like a Stooges fan to you?"

Moving on.

Sawyer to Smoke Monster Locke: “I thought you were dead.” I’ve said this about Brett Favre on many occasions. Actually, if you think about it, Locke is “Lost’s” Favre – still a star in later incarnations, totally indecisive and never seems to go away. 

Commerical Sidenote: I heard some NBA news yesterday that I feel I need to pass on before I fall asleep. John Feinstein reported on the Tony Kornheiser Show that Charlotte Bobcats owner Bob Johnson will dump the team on whomever’s willing to pick up the debt… I mean, he’s not even “selling” per se. Just take the debt, and the Bobcats are yours. This is the exact same thing that happens with mansions during a real estate bubble. Unbelievable financial times we’re living in, people. Godspeed to David Stern. I hope he keeps this thing afloat.

Sticking with QB/character comparisons, I’d have to liken Sayid to Cowboys playcaller Tony Romo – both soft-spoken, high-character guys who do well with the ladies, but ultimately can’t get over a history of heartbreak and torture.

Back from commercial. Sawyer’s more tanked than Plaxico Burress in a Manhattan nightclub. I say 2:1 odds that he shoots himself in the crotch. Sawyer seems totally unimpressed by the fact that Smoke Monster Locke isn’t Locke Locke – same reaction I had to the Daytona 500.

Sawyer: “Who are you? You sure as hell ain’t John Locke.”

SM Locke: “What if I told you I was the person who could answer the most important question in the world?”

Hilson: “Holy s***! The Smoke Monster’s gonna tell where LeBron signs in the offseason.”

Sawyer: “And what question is that?”

SM Locke: “Why are you on this island?”

Hilson: (*deep sigh*)

Gratuitous King

Back to post-landing Locke, who in a stroke of luck, runs into Hurley in the parking lot. Locke chews the big boy out for blocking his ride until Hurley says that he owns the company. You laugh, but you’re looking at Jerry Buss’s son three years from now. Hurley sets Locke up with a temp job and promises to deliver an embarrassing trophy acceptance speech should the opportunity ever present itself.

Back on the island, Sawyer and Smoke Monster Locke stumble upon the invisible boy while sauntering through the jungle.

Boy to Smoke Monster: “You know the rules. You can’t kill him.” Same instructions Bulls GM John Paxson gave to Tyrus Thomas regarding his head coach.

SM Locke to Boy: “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.” Again, same response Tyrus gave to Paxson. Expect him to be traded by the deadline.

After a commercial break, Richard springs out of a patch of studio greenery in an attempt to rescue Sawyer from the Smoke Monster. Unsuccessful, Richard darts back into a Hollywood Boulevard parking lot.

Back to the temp agency. Locke meets Rose – also known as the female African American on the show – for the first time post-landing. An ornery Locke bitches and moans until Rose tells him that she has cancer. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable since the Leno/Letterman Super Bowl commercial.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcEx767TIas]

(*Multiple Cringes*)

Note to self: it’s almost impossible to do a TV show play-by-play when said show runs on three different timelines. Back to Smoke Monster and Sawyer.

After pulling a gun on the Smoke Monster – because that’ll do the trick – Sawyer says to SM Locke in the most sinister of tones: “What are you?” (I know. Inappropriately long buildup.) 

SM Locke to Sawyer: “What I am is trapped. And I’ve been trapped for so long that I don’t even remember what it feels like to be free.”

Unbelievable. The sports allusions keep rolling in. Same line Roy Halladay used to get out of Toronto.

The Smoke Monster tells Sawyer he used to be a man… That’s gotta be a nod to Olympic great Johnny Weir. Cut to commercial…

Now is a good time to mention that we’ve gone almost a full episode without Jack, which means we have an official Ewing Theory candidate on our hands. If you’re unfamiliar with Simmons speak, check it out here.

Ben, Ilana, Sun and the airplane pilot haul Locke’s body to a burial site (the dead John Locke… yes, I’m just as confused as Randy Shannon in the 2 minute offense). Upon Ben’s confession that he killed Locke, the pilot gives us a wink-wink, “This is the weirdest damn funeral I’ve ever been to.” This guy reminds me of Captain Ron.

There's no getting around it: The Knicks are better without him.

Locke – the alive, handicapped Locke – flirts with calling Jack’s office for the spinal consultation, but decides against it. Instead he explains to Al Bundy’s wife the reason he’s been fired (an aborted “walkabout” in Australia). She sympathizes. She says, “The only thing I’ve ever waited for is you.” They kiss. Al comes charging through the front door like a wild rhino and kicks Locke’s crippled ass.

Made that last part up.

Back on the island, the Smoke Monster convinces Sawyer to scale a rinky-dink ladder down the side of a cliff. I’d bet all my savings and my dog’s life that this has something to do with Jacob. Get it? “Jacob’s Ladder.” I swear, these writers are more obvious than a Robbie Hilson joke.

Bingo. There’s a cave in the side of the cliff that Sawyer describes as “a hole in a cliff with rocks on a scale.” 

HEYO! The first big reveal of Season 6: The Numbers, the one’s Hurley used to win the lotto like 4 seasons ago, are scrawled with other digits all over the cave’s ceiling. Beside each is a crossed off name i.e. dead guys.

Einstein: Huge "Lost" fan

Back to post-landing Locke. Rose hooked him up with a temp job as an elementary school teacher. I’d be pissed. Locke runs into Ben, who was evidently a fourth grade European History teacher before he turned into a psychopathic killer.

We find that Jacob wrote down all the numbers after run-ins with each of the main characters:

23-Shephard, 8-Reyes, 16-Jarrah, 42-Kwon, 4-Locke, 15-Ford

So we’re 100 percent sure that these are “The Numbers” and not Jamarcus Russell passer ratings?

Smoke Monster Locke makes Sawyer an offer he can’t refuse: Antawn Jamison for Zydrunas Ilgauskas’ expiring contract, a first round pick, Al Thorton and Brian Skinner… Sorry, that was the deal the Wizards couldn’t refuse.

The Smoke Monster and Sawyer agree to go home together. Remember, Sawyer had been drinking.

- Robbie

Miracle On Ice: Days Five and Six of the Winter Olympics

Where's the movie deal, Disney?

I know, I know. You, the loyal Sports Casualties reader, arrived at this hallowed site on Tuesday in search of commentary on your beloved Winter Olympics and it wasn’t here.  After watching eight hours of NBC coverage, you just wanted te read somebody’s take on what you had just seen, particularly somebody who had promised you daily coverage of the Vancouver games.

Well, I was not able to bring you that on Tuesday. For that you can blame the state of Florida for having a history, and Professor Davis for making me write a draining 1,566 words about it. As a token of my appreciateion for not completely bastardizing me after my failures, today I present a two-day cumulative coverage of people playing games on imported snow. Let’s do this.

Down goes Russia! Down goes Russia! Do you believe in miracles?

On Tuesday, the 1980 “Miracle on Ice” was re-created in what can only be described as a nostalgic masterpiece.  Okay, so maybe it was a little bit different. You see, Tuesday’s hockey match-up of the USA against Russia was actually a women’s game. And, due to its prowess in all things women’s suffrage, the Americans actually won quite easily. Like final score of 13-0 easily.

But why let a stupid thing like reality get in the way of a fascinating story?

If you’re anything like me, the simple combination of ice and Russians makes you angry. Regardless of the times, I will always view Russian teams at the Winter Olympics as the 1980 Soviets. It’s not like this in any other international spectrum. I don’t hate the Russians at the summer games or at the World Cup or at the Curling World Champinoships. However, the moment that the Russians are announced at winter opening ceremonies, I start feeling very Rocky IVish.  This doesn’t stop at hockey, I was thoroughly happy when those damn commies failed to medal in figure skating pairs on Monday night. Democracy prevails! What’s that? China won skating pairs? Oh well.

"If they die, they die." - Soviet Women's Hockey

Skier and world class boozer Bode Miller returned to Olympic prominence with his bronze medal run in men’s downhill on Monday. The victory was excellent for the American medal count and devastating for any bar within a 100 mile radius of Vancouver.

Yesterday’s afternoon schoolwork was obstructed by a rather unlikely distraction. Yes, I got caught up in an intense match of curling. The match, USA vs. Germany, was creeping to its conclusion. The athletes were filled with nerves, the eager crowd was tense and the announcers were whispering with mind-blowing passion. That was when Germany took a timeout. Yes, a timeout. I repeat, Germany was involved in a curling match and called a timeout.

"Yeah, I could totally use a timeout right about now."

It has become cliche to scoff at curling and that was honestly not my reason for tuning into the USA Network. But a timeout? Are you serious? The entire sport of curling is one giant timeout. I’m pushing for a rule change.

The knowledge-deficient NBC Olympic annoucners also showed their face during the curling broadcast.

“It’s really amazing how good of shape these curlers are in. You would not believe how hard they train for these games,” said a voice that may or may not have been in Vancouver. Wrong, you can’t fool me NBC. I saw the profile on the U.S. curling team on HBO’s “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel,” and clearly saw the team lounging around, eating McDonalds and drinking beer less than one month before Vancouver.

Men’s hockey also began on Tuesday with the young American team defeating Switzerland 3-1. In case you don’t know how young this American team is, you will be reminded by Bob Costas over and over again until you feel the urge to grab him by the ankles and club the nearest NBC executive over the head with him.

Lindsey Jacobellis may be the most doomed Olympic athlete. Four years ago, Jacobellis was handily leading the snowboard cross medal race when she decided to showboat a bit on the second to last jump, lost control and choked away a gold medal.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iThQ1po1JLU]

Tuesday was set to be her day of redemption. Instead, Tuesday was another day of inexplicable Olympic failure. Jacobellis failed to even qualify for the medal round after dominating competition all day when she ran off course during the semi-finals.

Today’s most popular event will likely be men’s snowboard halfpipe where Shaun White will look to recapture his glory from Torino.

Men’s short program figure skating was Tuesday night which, as you can imagine, wasn’t the highlight of your humble correspondent’s evening. However, the brief amount of the event that I caught made me look down upon men’s figure skating for a reason different than I expressed on Monday.

All along, a huge deal has been made about Johnny Weir. Weir is feminine, Weir wears furry costumes, Weir dresses like a woman. After watching about 15 minutes of the men’s short program, I was wondering what the big deal about Weir was. American Evan Lysacek appears just as feminine as Weir, possibly with even less masculine manneurisms, and he is a better skater. Where was his HBO interview, Frank Deford?

Lysacek: Alpha Male of U.S. Figure Skating

Weir and Lysacek are to feminine male figure skaters what Michael Vick and Donovan McNabb were to black quarterbacks eight years ago. Weir, like Vick, is the flashy media darling that gets all the attention while Lysacek, like McNabb, is the one actually pulling the weight when it comes to competition but still getting little respect. Yes, I just made that comparison.

Also, memo to announcer Scott Hamilton: If you’re trying to better the image of men’s figure skating, you should probably avoid referring to successful runs as “gorgeous programs.” Gorgeous doesn’t exactly get those competitive juices flowing for most Americans.

Also, on the schedule for today, more curling and a ridiculous amount of speedskating.

Happy winter…from Florida.

-Bryan

The Chaos Experiment: Dispatches from the NBA Trade Post

Cover your eyes. This could get ugly.

Click here for the first dispatch.

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of all hell breaking loose, the sound of grasping at straws, or for that matter, Tracy McGradys – which are just as sturdy and have won as many second round playoff series.

That is the sound of mass hysteria – 30 front offices losing their collective heads faster than Danica loses her integrity in a GoDaddy spot. 

I have witnessed three things on this otherwise ho-hum Tuesday that have convinced me that the bedlam surrounding the free agent class of 2010 is spilling into every nook and cranny of our sports culture:

1) The Washington Nationals signed former Yankee great Chien-Ming Wang, Wang’s magically exploding right foot and Wang’s Paper Mache right shoulder for the low, low price of $2 million. General manager Mike Rizzo flirted with investing in BlockBuster stock. He pulled the trigger on Wang instead. The Nats gave the soon-to-be 30-year-old the number 9.64, which will look funny on his jersey, but at least it matches last year’s ERA. This is the definition of “taking a flier.” Moving on…

2) The Oakland Raiders locked up their best offensive player for 4 years, $16 million. Too bad for Al Davis that his best offensive player is place kicker Sebastian “The Polish Hammer” Janikowski. You know what? I take that back. Davis will be glad he spent the money come crunch time of all those close games the Raiders play next year. Now if he could only sign complete bust Richard Seymour and his 4 sacks to a long-term deal to justify spending a first round pick on him…

3) Kenny Mayne kept his job at ESPN, which leaves two and only two scenarios: 1) Mayne has pictures on Michael Eisner 2) The LeBron/D-Wade Sweepstakes has reached the level on the Def Con scale in which decision makers begin to lose their bearings on reality and awareness of the physical world surrounding them.     

Fact: I just mooned you 30 seconds ago… I think I’ve made my point.

So let me make a prediction. The next 48 or so hours of balls-to-the-wall chaos known as the 2010 NBA trade deadline will unfold much like the buildup to Y2K, except if we were to switch the expiring clocks for expiring contracts.

This week's sign of the apocalypse

Consider this…

Cleveland, which is in the midst of a 13-game winning streak, has the best record in basketball, and has the chemistry of a young Dmitri Mendeleev, is seriously considering taking on the 30-year-old Corey Maggette should their also-bad-idea deal for Amare Stoudemire fall through. Four things you should know about Maggette: 1) He’s a truly gifted scorer who’s shooting 51 percent from the field in Coach Nellie’s Do Whatever the Hell You Feel Like offense 2)He’s played more than 69 games four times in his 10 ½ year career 3) I think I mentioned this – he’s 30, been in the league for 10 ½ years and injury prone 4) *Spoiler Alert for Cavs Fans Who Think They Have A Trio of Max Contracts to Offer this Summer* Your boy Corey has 3 years and a cool $31 million left on his deal. Again Mr. Ferry, stand pat.

The Miami Heat, hell-bent on doing whatever it takes to sign D-Wade before the offseason feeding frenzy, have taken the lead in the tug-of-war for consolation prize Amare “21-8” Stoudemire.

If you’re Pat Riley, and you’ve built your legacy and your teams with lockdown defense, gritty bangers, excellence in the half-court offense AND you want to take on Stoudemire – I say do it. Maybe the exact opposite works for you. Seriously, though, Charles Oakley and Alonzo Mourning are turning over in their graves.

A couple of other notes about a potential Amare’s Ego to Miami trade. He’s got a $17 million option for 2010-2011, which means the Heat would have to convince him to restructure his deal (read: take less) in order to sign D-Wade and another max guy. Also, should the NBA cancel it’s 2011-2012 season (more on this in a second), the Heat all of a sudden return from the lockout with a 1-2 combo both looking down the barrel of a 31st birthday. So Riles, when the 25-year-old Chris Bosh is looking for a home come June, you’re going to wish you hadn’t made a panic trade and mortgaged your future in the process. Speaking of…

Why the hell is Phoenix GM Steve Kerr not lunging at the chance to snatch Michael Beasley from Miami? Eighteen months from now, a host of rash front office pad-pushers are going to realize they whiffed on a 6’10’’ 22-year-old who can stroke it from distance and has all the tools to be an elite offensive forward. Beasley, who would be included in a Heat-Suns deal should Kerr just  think to ask, IS Amare Stoudemire – except younger, less polished and with both a higher ceiling and an inexplicable Sponge Bob fetish.

Looks like the future has been working out

You may be thinking to yourself, “Hilson must be smoking the weed Beasley gave him.” Fine. But I think we both agree that the other offer on the table - J.J. Hickson, Zydrunas Ilgauskas’ expiring contract, and a first round pick via Cleveland – is a lesser offer. Worse case scenario, the Suns fold, try to resign Amare in the offseason and get exactly what they bargained for – namely, an aging core of Nash/Stoudemire and another first round exit. Don’t put this past Steve Kerr. His font office success rate is eerily similar to his career 3-point percentage…

Celtics GM Danny Ainge looks like he’ll do anything to rid himself of Ray Allen’s $19.7 million expiring contract even though, of The Big 3, Allen is the guy in the best shape to contribute in the long run. Think of him as a rich man’s Late Career Reggie Miller or a billionaire’s Steve Kerr. He’s an impeccably well conditioned sharpshooter who’s big in the clutch, ices games at the line, and can get open on the perimeter even when his mobility starts to go (which has yet to happen). I understand wanting to get younger, but Ray Ray is a guy that helped you raise your storied franchise from the grave. You owe him something. And, if you’re Danny Ainge, you don’t want to dish him to Philly just for Andre Iguodala.

Actually, if you’re Danny Ainge, you do… and I don’t get it. The C’s future is already anchored down by the $40 million they still owe Heather Mills – I mean “Kevin Garnett” – and now they want to take on 4 years/$56 million worth of Andre “Above Average” Iguodala? Hell, that’s like $12 mill a leg for next year alone.

Paul Pierce is confused as well

I won’t even discuss the Bulls flirtation with dumping Tyrus Thomas for the remains of Antonio McDyess (does it dawn, I wonder, on John Paxson that maybe Tyrus’s inconsistency is related to the fact that he ABSOLUTELY FREAKING LOATHES the hack of a “coach” that Paxson continues to force on him and the rest of his impressionable team?).

I’ll just say that some of these teams remind me of the little kids at Chucky Cheese who horde their bundles of red tickets for visits and visits only to splurge them all on three SuperBalls and Chinese finger cuffs.

And then there’s Toronto, who by all accounts, seems content to admit its wasted a pocketful of quarters and simply give away its tickets. The winner in this metaphor: Chris Bosh.

You know what? I’m pretty confident that I’ve made some impulsive judgments in the course of the last 1,000 or so words, which means I, too, am vulnerable to Def Con James. But before I go, let’s return to the Y2K parallel. Remember when the clock struck midnight on Jan. 1, 2000? Remember when all the computers simultaneously rebooted, thrusting us into the anarchic third world of cyber hell?

Right.

Here’s what’s going to happen. LeBron and D-Wade are going to stay right where they are – LeBron because he’ll realize that he’s the Chosen Son playing for the best team in the league; Wade because it’s South Beach, damnit, and because New York doesn’t have the talent infrastructure to win anytime soon. Bosh is free to go where he chooses, and the team he chooses will be one that didn’t stupidly blow its load on Stoudemire or Boozer or (insert overpaid big name).

In lieu of the League’s $400 million losses, the 2010-2011 salary cap is going to get cut like a 5’9” walk-on and the resulting climate of total and utter panic will arm NBA owners with even more leverage in negotiating the new collective bargaining agreement. In the end, everybody will stay by and large in the same place and they’ll be making less money to boot. And the L.A. Lakers will be laughing at all the apocalyptic suckers who fought each other to the top of the mountain only to be the first in line to drink the Kool-Aid.

It’s been real. It’s been rational.

- Robbie

Amare Stoudemire to Cleveland: Dispatches from the NBA Trade Post

"Reunited and it feels so..." Never mind.

Catch the fever. Catch the pun.

“Ah, we got another wreck. Dadgummit!” Does a quote better encapsulate the arrant sporting debacle that was Daytona weekend?

Hell, I’m not even talking about the ubiquitous NASCAR pileups (winner and still champion: sports that don’t have cars), or “DeMar DeRozan Presents D-League Saturday Night”… though, let’s be honest, these were unqualified, unmitigated, (insert word that means “sucking horribly”) failures at attempted entertainment.

More specifically, I’m referring to Cavs GM Danny Ferry and his latest efforts to sabotage the entire city of Cleveland. He got away with the Shaqtus move – primarily because in the span of one autumn, LeBron made the leap from Best Player? to Best Player Ever? – and now he’s looking to role the dice with another me-first big man.

The proposed trade, as reported by a slew of ESPN cogs, is a straight-up two for two – Zydrunas Ilgauskas and young gun J.J. “High Ceiling” Hickson to Phoenix for Amare Stoudemire and Amare Stoudemire’s ego.

Phoenix would buy out Big Z’s prized $12 million expiring contract, freeing him to go back to Cleveland. No such luck for the on-the-cheap Hickson, who makes $1.5 million this year and would likely re-up with Phoenix. As for Stoudemire, he will make $17 million in 2010-2011 and then take to Cleveland’s cap with the noose of a long-term deal that Ferry will no doubt offer.

The Cleveland GM’s words to live by:

Whenever you can lock up an offensively gifted gunner who needs the ball to be effective, doesn’t rebound, feels about defense the way that Bryan Holt feels about figure skating, will command big money in the offseason, already had one major knee surgery, AND you can give up one of your best young forwards (Hickson) in the process…

(Deep Breath)

… Gotta do it.

Ferry and Mike Brown: Cleveland's Brain Trust

Danny, did you ever see Kevin Spacey in “The Negotiator”? You don’t want to do this. Put the phone down. Let’s talk.

As of a week ago, the Cavs were scavenging for two specific assets before the deadline to solidify their already title-caliber roster – namely, another wing defender (hmm, Andre Iguodala?) and a low-post scorer (Antawn Jamison), preferably in the same package.

So instead, Ferry’s making a play for Stoudemire, a forward who’s yet to develop a reliable back-to-the-basket game and who looks at defense the same way Americans look at escargot.

No thanks. Not for me.

Cleveland struggled against Orlando in the playoffs last year because they couldn’t match up against the lengthy shooting combo of Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis. To rectify this situation, they’re looking to jettison an agile, 6-foot-9 22-year-old for a guy who hustles only when he sees the potential for a SportsCenter Top Ten.

There are a couple of little dirty secrets you should know about Stoudemire.

First, he’s averaging a 21-8 playing with the best distributor of his generation on the second-highest scoring team in the league… And you thought the dollar was artificially inflated. Remember what happened to the production of, oh, EVERY OTHER FORWARD THAT’S EVER LEFT A STEVE NASH TEAM?

They don’t call it the “Fun and Sun” for nothing. Ask Shawn Marion, or Boris Diaw, or James Jones, or Shaq. Ask Grant “Over The” Hill how he’d fairing in Houston.

Stoudemire is an explosive athlete and a talented face-up scorer who will thrive in Cleveland’s fast break, but if we know anything about the word “stagnant,” it’s this: it applies to standing water and Mike Brown’s postseason offense, otherwise known as the “Clear Out For LeBron.”

And what of the chemistry issues? Have you seen the Kingsmen during a home game? They look like a bunch of giddy 10-year-olds en route to Disney. Enter Stoudemire, summa cum laude at the Antoine Walker School of Body Language, a guy that bitched out a ref during last night’s all-star game, a guy that changed his number from 32 to 1 – you know, because to Amare, Amare is No. 1.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=384IPfYKJek]

Enter Buzzkill McGee

I’m not even going to bring up Stoudemire’s relationship with O’Neal. Put it this way: Kobe Bryant thinks this friendship has soured.

The L.A. Times reports that LeBron would prefer Antawn Jamison, and why wouldn’t he? ‘Tawn is a selfless grinder who pounds the boards, scores on the block and never met a Glory he didn’t like to share. He’s a guy who rejuvenated his career by taking a sixth man role on a stacked Dallas team, a guy who posts 20-10 while playing alongside one of the league’s most gluttonous shooters (Gil Arenas, pun intended).

Admittedly, the case against Jamison is a good one. He’d saddle the Cavs with a $50 million contract that pays out $15 million alone in 2012, when Jamison will be 35. On the other hand, Cleveland needs to do whatever it takes to win now, not just to appease The King, but to….

Actually that’s the only reason. The potential for a labor lockout in 2011 just adds to the urgency. And should the NBA write off the ’11-’12 season, the Cavs would get a grand total of one and a third seasons of Under 30 Amare.

Thirty seems like a reasonable tipping point for a big man who’s missed 140 games in his 7 ½ year career and, oh yeah, has the word “microfracture” on his resume. No?

Paging Dr. James Andrews

Danny, my free advice: stand pat. LeBron will thank you when you’re fitting him for ring No. 1 and throwing trash bags full of cash at Chris Bosh in the offseason. Bron Bron’s not leaving Cleveland without a title, and he’s not leaving Cleveland on the heels of a title. These things don’t happen with The King. He’s too good for that.

And you’re too good for Amare Stoudemire.

- Robbie

NASCAR on Snow: Day Four of the Winter Olympics

Men's figure skating: Totally a masculine sport

This morning I woke up to the conclusion of the now 17-hour long NBC “Today Show.” Yes, I am that dedicated to bringing you every possible aspect of Winter Olympics coverage, but no, I am not willing to wake up early to do it.

As “Today” faded off the air, I decided to stay tuned for the ensuing Rachael Ray show. Now this was not solely due to Ray’s housewife good looks, but also because the show was advertising a “normal girl” makeover to the ladies of “Jersey Shore.” If you know anything about Sports Casualties, you know that this is a television experience that I could not pass up. After all, these ladies are indirectly a primary reason for our site’s success and it would be near blasphemy to turn our backs on them now.

Cook, Glamour Model, Jersey Shore Visionary

However, what caught my attention most during the Rachael Ray entertainment hour was a commercial for today’s coverage of the Winter Olympics. “It’s NASCAR on snow,” said a heavenly voice from 30 Rock.

You have my attention.

Insert NASCAR here?

The promotional spot was for snowboard cross, an event that will take place during today’s afternoon portion of the winter games. Call me a sucker for effective marketing, but I will be watching as much of this wonderful event as I can before Bourbon Era Florida History takes over my life for the day. NASCAR on snow? No wonder the U.S. is so good at snowboarding events.

Figure skating began yesterday and Sports Casualties could not be more torn. At one end of the spectrum, figure skating brings us elegant, graceful beauties like Tanith Belbin. However, there are also figure skaters like say, Johnny Weir, who don’t exactly ooze that masculine toughness that we look for in our athletes. Cute girls in intricate outfits? Awesome. Dudes in similar glittery and intricate outfits? Not so awesome.

Sasha Cohen: Fallen hero of the good half of figure skating

If Weir’s name sounds familiar it’s because he is the ultra-flamboyant skater that traditional sports anchors (and pretty much everyone else) are struggling to understand. He also made the news on Sunday for death threats that have been made against him from anti-fur groups. You see, Mr. Weir likes to wear outfits that are not only glittery, but also covered by animal fur. He has also been known to wear throwback Soviet warm-ups in place of the standard warm-up that he is given (he is American).

It may almost be insulting to our intelligence for Weir to have to tell us that he, uhm, let’s see, doesn’t like girls. However, Weir is keeping the worst-hidden secret a secret nonetheless.

“There are some things I keep sacred,” said the ice dancing semi-man. “My middle name, who I sleep with and what kind of hand moisturizer I use.”

Moving on.

While it was a lighter load, Sunday was a day of firsts for the Americans and the Canadians.

Alexandre Bilodeau became the first Canadian to ever win a gold medal on Canadian soil when he took gold in the men’s moguls competition. Moguls, also known as my new favorite winter sport.

American Johnny Spillane became the first U.S. athlete ever to medal in the nordic combine, an event that has been in the Winter Olympics for 86 years. The nordic combine is an event that mixes ski jumping with a cross country ski race. The ski jumping is something that I particularly enjoy because it is one of those sports that becomes easy to backseat drive after a couple of minutes of watching it.

Pitiful Form

“This guy doesn’t lean far enough forward.”

“This dude has terrible form.”

It doesn’t matter that these guys have been training for this their entire lives, and you watch it every four years. Expertise comes easy, so I say judge on Olympic viewers.

Also, events on tap for today include men’s downhill skiing and a number of snowboard competitions.

Happy winter…from Florida.

-Bryan

The Great American Recap: Daytona 500 Race Log

 

The following is semi-live coverage of the Daytona 500, The Great American Race. For those who think that only the last 20 laps of a NASCAR race are important, you’re partially correct. However, this post will hopefully open your eyes to the glory of watching an entire race, lap by lap.

Pace Laps The broadcast crew discusses that Carl Edwards’ wife is due in four days. This could make for one hell of a victory lane celebration. 

Boogedy Boogedy Boogedy That sounds beautiful after nearly three long months.

Lap 1 Mark Martin leads the first lap. Could this be the year that Mark finally gets his Daytona victory? It would truly be the feel good story to end all feel good stories.

Lap 5 Baby-faced Budweiser spokesman Kasey Kahne takes the lead for the first time. Many talking heads are predicting a big win for Kahne. We’ll see.

Lap 8 Remember the touching moment when Max Papis qualified for his first Daytona 500 on Thursday and was overwhelmed with emotion? Yeah, welcome to Daytona. Here’s your first wreck.

Lap 14 Dale Jr. takes his first lead of the day, obligatory standing ovation ensues. This guy’s fan support truly has indestructible legs.

First Kahne Budweiser commercial of the race airs. That commercial definitely had Kahne chugging a beer in its initial stages. MADD strikes again.

Lap 24 Another analyst favorite, Kevin Harvick, takes his first lead.

 Two Carl Edwards Ford Fusion hybrid commercials in the same break. Somewhere Cale Yarborough is throwing a boot through his television.

Lap 45 A.J. Allmendinger takes lead largely due to some green flag pit stops. Huge victory for all of those suppressed by their 12-letter last names.

Lap 49 Kurt Busch pins his ears back and goes for the lead. Pun intended.

Before Dr. 90210 got ahold of him.

Lap 50 First, and likely the only, shout out to Front Row Joe Nemechek. The pride of Lakeland, Florida.

Working in the traveling “Hollywood Hotel” has officially become a dream job of mine.

Lap 60 The true beginning of the typically dull second 125 mile quarter. Green flag pit stops have the cars more spread out than fans at a Nets game. Cruise along, hold your position, wait for the caution that bunches everybody back up and causes a hellacious second half of the race.

If you are reading this and you love us, you will go to ToyotaRacing.com and make/submit a Sports Casualties car. Something tells me that winning that contest would garner us a couple of hits.

Lap 67 Poor Nemechek is involved in the second wreck of the day. Open-wheel drivers – this time, Sam Hornish – strike again.

Are announcers going to refer to the #2 Miller Lite car as the “Blue Deuce” all season? Terrible nickname, but it does seem to fit the actual driver of the car quite well.

“I’ve always said if you could go out there and poke one of these cars in the corner, you could wreck ‘em.” I could honestly watch Darrell Waltrip announce anything and be perfectly happy. And by anything, I could possibly even mean the dunk contest. Yes, he’s that good.

Lap 77 Currently going undetected: Martin Truex having a nice run in his first race with Michael Waltrip Racing. That new #56 looks alright on him so far.

Martin Truex with the new whip.

Side note: I really like that MWR seems to make a bit of an effort to stick drivers in traditional family number cars. The #00 has been in the Reutimann family for generations, and I’ve heard that the same is true for Truex with the #56. It adds a nice traditional touch in a sport where family traditions can mean so much.

“Alice in Wonderland” looks terrible. It’s like Tim Burton said “Alright, you know how everybody kind of talks about Charles Dodgson being on acid when he wrote this? Well, let’s make sure everybody knows he was.”

Lap 93 Jamie McMurray driving the Bass Pro Shops car in ninth place, Kasey Kahne driving the Budweiser car in tenth place. Maybe the two most unfitting driver/sponsor relationships riding together.

McMurray, the rugged outdoorsman.

Lap 99 Jeff Gordon throws his name back in the game and takes his first lead of the race to a standing ovation. Ovation is part him taking lead, part somebody passing Kyle Busch. Not too long ago Gordon was in Busch’s shoes.

They once booed the Rainbow Warrior.

Lap 100 The best halftime is no halftime.

Fox shows the 1979 Donnie Allison-Cale Yarborough wreck/fight for approximately the 118,978,287,567,457,839,205th time in television history.

Lap 120 Jimmie Johnson catches major lucky break of the day when he blows a tire…in turn four just as a caution is coming out for John Andretti. Yes, John Andretti still races in NASCAR. Who remembers when Andretti won the 1997 Pepsi 400? I do! I do! Long live the RCA car.

Lap 122 Daytona International Speedway is falling apart! A piece of the track comes out and we are red flagged for what is expected to be about 10 to 12 minutes. Daytona is the world’s most famous race track, they must re-pave it on a regular basis, right? Wrong, last time the speedway was paved: Aug. 1978.

With 78 laps to go, there have already been 18 different leaders in this race which ties a Daytona record. Expect 78 very intense laps when this race goes back green.

While we’re under red, here is a quick recap of my top five favorite Daytona moments that I have seen in person.

5. Belligerently drunk man decides to become Tony Stewart’s own version of Fireman Ed. That’s right there were continuous “T-O-N-Y, TONY! TONY! TONY!” chants. There was creative cheerleading, strikingly great body language and an exhilarating attempt to throw a hot dog and beer onto the track. This of course eventually ended in a late race ejection.

4. First ever trip to a Daytona race. This was a truck race when I was 16 years old. Just seeing a race at the place for the first time was magnificent.

3. Jack Sprague wins the Daytona truck race in a thrilling three-wide finish. Probably the best complete race that I have ever been to. This race had everything. Constant action throughout, wild crashes and an absolutely amazing finish.

2. Tony Stewart wrecks Kyle Busch to win the 2009 Coke Zero 400. Fantastic finish that couldn’t have ripped off a more deserving villain. Busch hit the wall directly in front of where I was sitting, and the joy lasted for days.

1. My first, and only, Daytona 500. Excellent experience, the kind of event that gives you chills throughout. Fan or not, everybody should attend a Daytona 500 in their lifetime.

Remember that 10-12 minute delay? Well, after 1 hour 41 minutes, that 10 minute delay is over. Green flag racing.

Lap 161 After a rather uneventful 39 laps, Daytona International Speedway is falling apart again! A hole has developed lateral to the one that caused the previous delay.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjMUfIKktWU]

Exclusive: The track at Daytona speaks.

No time guarantees on this one, but the second red flag has reigned over this track for 46 minutes, and it is now time to start the engines for a third time today.

Lap 174 Scott Speed, yes Scott Speed, takes the lead with just 26 laps left in the Daytona 500. Speed, known as the best name with the a small resume in NASCAR, is looking for a dream.

Lap 185 Dream over for Speed. He gets shuffled to the deadly middle and drops faster than a Seaside Heights delinquent trying to fight Ronnie. Biffle to the front. Jimmie Johnson has another flat tire, this time it’s off to the garage.

Lap 193 The top five breaks away from the rest of the field only to be brought back to reality on Lap 194 when Elliot Sadler gets loose and takes out Ryan Newman and Travis Kvapil. Yes, Kvapil is driving the Extenze car, and yes he just pounded into the inside wall.

Insert joke here.

Lap 198 Bill Elliot and Joey Logano wreck into each other which brings out the caution meaning one thing, FREE NASCAR! Overtime.

Lap 203 Kasey Kahne wrecks with some assistance from one Jeff Gordon. Did Kasey get loose, or was Jeff the official cause here? You watch Sportscenter and decide. Until then, more overtime!

Lap 206 The green flag waves for the final time over a top five of 1 – Kevin Harvick, 2 – Jamie McMurray, 3 – Carl Edwards, 4 – Greg Biffle, 5 – Jeff Burton.

Lap 208 McMurray took the lead from Harvick on Lap 207, but the story of 208 is Dale Jr. who charges from 10th to a near victory. However, McMurray hangs on and becomes the ninth different driver to win the 500 in the last nine years.  Final top five results: 1 – Jamie McMurray, 2 – Dale Earnhardt, Jr., 3 – Greg Biffle, 4 – Clint Bowyer, 5 – David Reutimann.

McMurray breaks down in victory lane with his father and wife, a truly wonderful moment.

Overall, a unique Daytona 500 that lasted roughly six hours including delays. The final 32 laps were some of the best and most frantic racing that the sport has seen in a while. McMurray’s surprise victory will certainly be a topic of discussion, but the big story might be Earnhardt and whether or not this is the season that he truly comes back.

It’s been fun.

- Bryan

Sunday Funday: The Pre-Daytona 500 Edition

It's all about the moguls.

Alright, so most of the following thoughts were meant to be held off for a weekend recap on Monday. However, with the Winter Olympics two days in, and with NBA All-Star Saturday Night officially pronounced dead, I simply could not wait that long. The Daytona 500 is approaching quickly, and if I don’t write something before then, my mind will be on fringe sport overload.

I would like to begin by issuing a very special “Happy Valentine’s Day” to one Eldrick “Tiger” Woods. I hear Elin really loves this year’s present, her very own small country.

In all seriousness, the Winter Olympics are entering their third day, and I am already completely captivated. Friday night’s opening ceremonies were breathtaking and proof that it’s not completely necessary to make your participants rehearse in diapers (although it does help). Regardless, the opening ceremonies left me with several theories.

We have all heard about the “comparatively hot” situations. For as long as there have been female athletes, decent girls in ugly classes and token women in sporting press boxes, some womens looks have been overrated to extreme heights. ESPN writer Bill Simmons officially refers to girls of this nature as “sports hot.”

I am pondering if there is a seperate entity for “Olympic hot.” As is usually the case for the Olympics, I was initially drawn into the opening ceremonies during the introduction of the athletes when I began noticing that the vast majority of participating countries were smothered with attractive female athletes.

It’s no secret that I am generally overcome with lust during the summer games with its generous helping of volleyball players, gymnasts and swimmers. However, is this phenomenon migrating into the winter games as well? It appears so.

U.S. Figure Skater and Ratings-Booster, Tanith Belbin

Who new that skeleton racers were so good looking? When did women snowboarders become models? Are these girls really so great, or will their appeal fade along with the conclusion of these 12-day games? Let the debate begin, Sports Guy.

Another fascinating part of athlete introductions at the Olympics is when remote, tiny countries are announced. These countries are occasionally unheard of and possibly not real, but their athlete[s] march out with more pride than anyone. The scene goes something like this:

Bob Costas: Now entering the stadium, represented by just two athletes, here is the nation of Cyprus.

Matt Lauer (side note: Matt freaking Lauer? Seriously?!?!): Funny thing about Cyprus is, it’s really damn small.

Costas: Oh yeah, Matt? How small does your giant note sheet say Cyprus is?

Lauer: About 1/8 the size of Rhode Island, Bob.

Costas: Fascinating. Did you know that there are 6 First Nation governments in Canada?

Lauer: Actually, there are over 600 First Nation governments, Bob.

NBC Miscreant

Amazingly enough, there are more to the winter games than frantically dancing natives, parading beauties and Costas-Lauer dialogue. On Saturday, the countries got down to business.

The Olympics got off to a tragic start on Friday when Nodar Kumaritashvili, a luge sled rider from the Republic of Georgia, lost his life during a practice run. I found the courage of the guys that took to the same track just one day later mind-blowing.

While obviously dangerous, luge looks like a ridiculous amount of fun. They are going down a giant ice slide at 90 MPH.

Think about that for a second.

Remember when you were a small child going down water slides and it felt like you were flying? Then, when you got up the nerve to ask one of your parents how fast you were going, the answer was “Eh, maybe 10 MPH tops.” That was a crushing moment, but think about that 10 MPH and then think about it multiplied by nine. Insanity.

After watching Saturday night’s speed skating events, I had readily declared speed skating as my new favorite winter sport. Apollo Ohno’s finals race may have been one of the more thrilling things that I have watched recently. In case you missed it, Ohno medaled for one reason. Two Korean teammates skating in front of him wrecked each other on the final lap, leading to the most hillarious Asian television moment since “Most Extreme Elimination Challenge” went off the air.

It ain't easy being a speed skater.

However, my loyalty to speed skating lasted about as long as Andre the Giant’s 1988 WWF title reign (45 seconds). That is because a fascinating thing called ski moguls soon entered my television screen. Before I begin to discuss them, I will readily admit that I have no idea how to use the term “moguls” in a functioning sentence. Is “moguls” the name of the sport, or is it a plural term? If you hold the key to this knowledge, please let me borrow it.

Moguls was basically created by some guy that said “Hey, cool tricks, now I’m going to time you while you do them.” It was also apparently invented for the skier with elastic, unbreakable ankles. It opened my eyes to an entirely new brand of competition. A competition that times AND judges.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T4p6FZWVjo]

I think this should be instituted in more sports. Just imagine the greatness.

Hey Jimmie Johnson, nice win but it didn’t look cool enough. Sorry, but you take second.  Nice run, Adrian Peterson, but I was really looking for a nice dive into the endzone. Take the touchdown off the board.

Of course, moguls will likely be remembered in the U.S. this year for bringing in the first winter gold medal for an American in these games. Congratulations to Hannah Kearney for that, a moment that I missed because I was occupied at the time by watching the death of one of the few NBA events that I look forward to.

Yes, NBA All-Star Saturday Night is dead, and Nate Robinson is kissing the ashes. This year’s dunk contest was the basketball equivalence of Ambien. Except maybe it’s more of a generic alternative to Ambien, because unlike its participants, you’ve heard of Ambien before. Once the flagship event of All-Star Weekend, the dunk contest has slowly gone downhill since Vince Carter and every other notable star not named Dwight Howard stepped away from it.

However, there was nothing slow (figuratively, at least) about Saturday night. the contest finally hit the ground after base jumping sans parachute. If it is still at all relevant to discuss dunk contest history, Robinson has now won the competition more times than anyone in history. If your breakfast is not sitting in between your feet after reading that, then you’ve probably grown numb to the NBA much as I have.

Obviously the greatest dunker of all time...

Seriously NBA, make the stars change out of their courtside Armani for a moment and participate in this thing. Otherwise, please don’t waste valuable television time by holding it again next year.

On a final note, NASCAR’s biggest race is about to begin. Here is my completely unobjective brief prediction sheet.

Zephyrhills' Favorite Son

What I want to happen: You’ll hear this name repeatedly throughout the season, but I want David Reutimann to win more than I want to spend an evening in Olympic Village. Okay, that might be an overkill. But still, a Daytona win would be monumental for the “regular-guy” Zephyrhills driver. Is it likely? Probably not, but a boy can dream. I also want Kyle Busch to wreck, obviously.

What will happen: The Hendrick cars look to be dominant per usual. They hold the top three starting spots in today’s race, and there is not any real reason to bet against Jimmie Johnson, NASCAR’s historic elite. Look for Tony Stewart to also be a force.

Great day to be an American.

-Bryan