"F****** Curling" and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

Blondes: Curling's only positive.

This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.

While my SC cohort sips a vodka tonic from his Lazy Boy on this admittedly bright Friday afternoon in Gainesville, I am huddled on my sofa with doubled-up sweaters trying in vain to keep this damn fire in the middle of my living room from going out.

I’ve burned through three textbooks, a weekend edition of The USA Today and my mother’s 30-year-old Fender guitar. I’m both still freezing and seven days away from the start of Spring Break. This is Florida. This should not be happening.

Speaking of things that shouldn’t be happening…

Curling.

Just in general, but especially not on the front page of the New York Times. This is particularly bothersome to me because I get my news from exactly two places and two places alone: Bryan Holt posts and, yes, the Times. Now both have been corrupted by the likes of kizzle kazzles (look it up) and, in the case of this second publication, piss-poor quotes from the nerdy Super Rich who get to pretend for 2 weeks every four years to be expert sports authorities… or at least like they haven’t been shoved into a locker by the captain of the football team every single morning from fourth to ninth grades.

Case in point. This is what Robert P. Kelly, chief executive of Bank of New York Mellon/curler extraordinaire, told the Times for a story entitled – I kid you not – “On Wall Street, A Romance with Curling”:

“Let’s face it: if baseball and football were in the winter, nobody would be watching.”

Great call by you, skip. Except 106 million Americans. It’s called the Super Bowl. Look it up. Furthermore, I for one, get chills when the likes of Mark McGwire, Albert Pujols and Tim Kurkjian appear side-by-side on my television screen in late February. And again, not because I’m freezing or because I’m mildly horrified to see that Big Mac has been in the “weight room” since his Congressional fiasco, and now roughly six times the body weight of Tiny Tim.

This picture was not chemically enhanced in any way.

Am I just bitter because it’s bitterly cold outside and I’m running out of things to burn? Yeah, a little. Am I doubly bitter that U.S. curling spokesman/workout freak Vernon Davis won’t just come out and admit that he joined the team because he thought there were dumbbells involved? Absolutely.

And am I triply bitter that a bunch of glorified shuffle-puckers beat me to Olympic glory while I was wasting my time playing real sports that I had entirely no chance to ever excel at? In the words of Sarah Palin, you betcha.

I cannot wait for Sunday’s closing ceremonies so that we can all get back to talking about the things that matter, like the NFL Combine and The Honda Classic. Until then, I’m mapping out the best shuffleboard watering holes that this little college town has to offer. Training starts today, and come Sochi 2014, I will be competing with the finest 45-year-olds, pregnant women, and 45-year-old pregnant women curling has to offer.

And with this 42-pound stone of a bitchfest off my chest, I present to you with a deep breath and in Spaghetti Western-style… all that I have left.

The Good: As you can probably already tell, I don’t have many positive things to say on this morning (*SHUT YOUR CHIRPING, YOU DAMN BIRDS!*), but I would like to pass along a piece of Sports Casualties information that until today, only two people in this world were privy to. Here are the top three search engine terms, in order, that drive traffic to our humble site:

1)   “Lindsey Vonn”

2)   “Kate Lost”

3)  “Lindsey Vonn hot”

I don’t know exactly how I feel about these recent developments, but I can tell you it’s somewhere on the scale between “awesome” and “unequivocally elated.” Also, should you search “Sports Casualties” in your googler, the site before you comes up Jeter-style in the two hole. R.I.P. Korey Stringer.

Now Grizzlies forward Zach Randolph also makes this section, not on statistical excellence alone, but also on humility. When asked by ESPN’s Ryen Russillo how he thinks other people would describe him, Big Zach said, “You know, probably play hard. Leave it all out on the court.”

Quick scouting report on Randolph – Pros: prolific rebounder, strong in the low post; Cons: lacks defensive tenacity and self-awareness.

I got one more Ryen Russillo story for you, because the guy doesn’t get enough love and he has to hang out with Scott Van Pelt’s Ego all day. Describing a recent Nuggets-Cavs game, the NBA Today podcaster said, “This is a classic game for LeBron haters. And I know that there aren’t many of you out there that hate LeBron, but there’s always that guy, and you know who you are if you’re him… and you know who he is if you’re friends with him and you don’t want to be anymore.”

In related news, Ryen Russillo and Skip Bayless are no longer friends.

LeBron Haters: Not Welcome in the SC

This week in funny pharmaceuticals names, CNN began pounding commercials for one “Aciphex,” as in “Kim Kardashian’s aciphex Reggie Bush.”

Moving on, Bob Ley of ESPN’s “Outside the Lines” did a feature on squash this week. Given the relevance of Ley’s recent reporting, I just figured he was doing a piece on the spring harvest.

And finally, because you can tell I’m grasping at “good” straws, former NHL player and current Canadian Matthew Barnaby announced Monday after U.S.A.’s hockey victory over Canada that he “became a permanent resident of the United States today.”

Matthew, on behalf of Sports Casualties, welcome, and we accept your apology.

The Bad: Geeze, where do we start. Dan Le Batard is probably a safe bet… After “Pardon the Interruption” host Tony Kornheiser was suspended for insulting smoking-hot-despite-her-advanced-age co-worker Hannah Storm, ESPN producers decided per usual to fill Tony’s void with Pablo Escobar/Shane Battier lookalike Le Batard. Dan proceeded to tell African American co-host Michael Wilbon that college football teams cannot be among the nation’s elite without players who get arrested. 

This strikes me as both more offensive and less sexy than Kornheiser comparing Storm to a Catholic school girl. But Le Batard is black, so he can get away with it.

In more bad news, it came to my attention this week that ice dancers compete in a “compulsory program,” which means even ice dancers really have no desire to ice dance.

Tragedy struck Sea World this week as a killer whale killed a trainer in a story that is both sad and rhetorical.

As if the Kansas City Royals couldn’t embarrass themselves any more, headlines this week confirmed that team mascot Sluggerrr hit a fan in the face with his weiner. Click here for full details.

(Baw-Chicka-Baw-Wah-Chicka-Chicka-Baw)

Pop icon Whitney Houston was recently booed off the stage during a concert in Brisbane when the 46-year-old failed to hit high notes and took prolonged breaks in between songs.

This just in: crack bad for singing.

In non sequitur news, we’re 100 percent sure that Joe Lunardi isn’t the lovechild of David Stern?

Like son...

...like father?

Moving to the financial sector, bankrupted General Motors CEO Ed Whitacre Jr. will make a reported $9 million this year. When asked the last time they’d seen such an undeserving payout, most Detroit residents responded, “Charlie Villanueva.”

On Wednesday, SportsCenter anchor John Buccigross interviewed former backup quarterback and current analyst Tim Hasselbeck about the importance of NFL Combine speed drills. I was not watching.

Why? Because talking to Tim Hasselbeck about the 40-yard dash is like talking to Dick Cheney about bipartisanship or John Edwards about fidelity.

Sticking with politicians, quitter Evan Bayh (D-Ind.) went on CNN’s “State of the Union” Sunday and told Candy Crowley that deadlocked government needs “exogenous” events to get things moving.

“9/11 – a few weeks after that things were better,” Bayh said, as producers cut to break so that Crowley could pick her mouth up off the floor.

The Kim Cattrall: Behind curling, the second biggest reason I want these Winter Games to just end already. It’s a harsh reality that British Columbia’s own alpha-cougar gets ample airtime during each NBC commercial break. Cattrall is the reason I can’t turn on TBS past midnight. She is also the reason every 27-and-under male checks their unattended drinks for roofies. Really, the only thing worse than Kim Vicious turning up in this Canada ad every 20 minutes is Sarah McLachlan turning up every 20 minutes in the exact same Canada ad.

Though at least with Sarah, you don’t have to worry about the roofies. I mean, if you’re a guy anyway.

My time is short. You’ll get no buzzer beater and like it.

- Robbie

Curling and Little Herb Brooks: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

Oh curling, how you will be missed.

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever.

Following last week’s recap, which was admittedly a synopsis of a chaotic and volatile week, the week in review is back and refreshingly peaceful. The skies are blue, the weather is crisp and the surplus of homeless people surrounding my complex are happily going about their day. This will surely be the most charming and bright column written since the Boston Globe let Peter Gammons canoodle in the Red Sox clubhouse and then type out 1,500 words on his experience.

I’m leaned back in my favorite chair, my obsessive Sports Casualties notepad is sitting next to me on the armrest and curling semifinals are on my television. Let’s do this.

It is officailly the final Friday of the Vancouver Olympics which means two things. First, today is the final day of women’s curling, a sport that has mesmerized the masses throughout these winter games. Curling, which is seemingly on either CNBC or the USA Network at all times, has become the world’s favorite perrenial time-waster and a cult-favorite here at the University of Florida. It is a sport that seems to take entirely longer than it should and can probably be played mildly well while innebriated. In other words, it’s an absolute vacuum for college minds.

"I can watch more curling than you!"

Perhaps most intriguing about curling is the determination of what actually makes one good or bad at it. For example, it was reported this week that the U.S. men’s curling team actually lost to a random group of average curlers at a curling club in Duluth, Minnesota, not long before their trip to Vancouver. This news sparks an endless amount of comments.

The simple thought of a real life curling club almost makes it seem enjoyable to live north of the Mason-Dixon Line. Okay, not really , but it fools you for a second. I have a tremendous mental image of Tuesday night curling leagues with excessive amounts of alcohol and mullets. As the competition intensifies through the night, things get rough and typically conclude with a number of sliding brawls across the ice as Wednesday morning approaches.

Now imagine the U.S. national team walking into this establishment. I’m personally envisioning a Clint Eastwood western saloon moment here. And then the impossible happens, the rag-tag bunch of Duluth failed hockey players beats John Shuster and his gang of national embarassments. It’s kind of like when the short girl blocks Charles Barkley’s shot on a street court in “Space Jam.”

Anyways, today Canada goes up against Sweden for the gold medal in women’s curling. The true winner here is ESPN’s Bill Simmons who gets one final glimpse of his favorite Olympic athlete, Canadian skip Cheryl Bernard.

The Sports Guy: President of the Cheryl Bernard Fan Club

The other Olympic-related greatness that today brings is the USA-Finland semifinal in men’s hockey. The USA will look to continue a run that has already been magnificient and surprising. The Americans cannot look past a tough opponent in search of a likely rematch with Canada on Sunday in the gold medal game.

To help inspire Uncle Sam’s ice warriors I have brought to SC the best in the business at motivational hockey speeches. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Herb Brooks.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CdJTfGiRCI]

Goosebumps…and slight laughter.

Stepping away from the Olympics, on Thursday, Joakim Noah celebrated his 25th birthday. It is truly surprising that Noah has made it in the NBA as long as he already has with his hideous shot and controversial demeanor. However, he is currently at the peak of his young career and proving many wrong. Somewhere, Yannick Noah is smiling. And not just because he’s sitting next to a collection of illegal drugs that would make Hunter S. Thompson blush.

Thursday was also the anniversary of the day that Jerry Jones became the most hated man in Dallas, for a short period of time. Jones’ unceremonial dismissal of legendary coach Tom Landry is a moment that still seems radically harsh and unprofessional. Nothing a few diamond rings couldn’t take care of. (whisper voice)…He went to Jared.

Things aren’t all unified team-like on the U.S. women’s ski team front where reports surfaced this week that Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso are in the midst of a personal feud. I guess that explains the baseball bat that Thomas Vonn has been carrying around with him all week.

Adorable and innocent...or are they?

Co-author Robbie Hilson did an excellent job earlier in the week of covering the “OMG Tim Tebow is working on his delivery” videos. While the videos were cool to see, I don’t think they surprised anyone not named Mel Kiper, Jr. Did ayone really think that Tebow would walk in and say “this is how I throw the ball, take it or leave it?”

Tebow’s issues are things that can be fixed, and that he has the work ethic to fix. Here’s to hoping he shows up to pro day in the same Under Armour outfit with a rugged beard, and simply makes Kiper cry. I want tears. Terrible, overpaid, ESPN tears.

Manchester City footballer Wayne Bridge is officially refusing to play for the English national team in the World Cup due to the fact that his would-be teammate and former team captain John Terry had an affair with his now-ex-girlfriend.

Vanessa Perroncel, Soccer Groupie

In related news, all American golfers have refused to play for the next Ryder Cup’s USA team if Tiger Woods is on the squad.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM5mFH3_Qhs]

Curling. Distracting America for hours at a time.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KDQbTOTc3M]

YOU WILL NOT videotape Alex Ovechkin after an embarrasing loss for the Soviets.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wm4R5F3_LzE]

YOU DON’T BRING THAT WEAK SQUASH ACTION IN HERE!

What to Watch on Television this Weekend

Because although we live in a country where we are free to watch whatever we want, deep down inside we still want people to tell us what to watch.

Winter Olympics – Every channel with any form of a relation to NBC – All Weekend

They’re almost over. Soak it in and feel patriotic.

NASCAR Shelby American GT 350 – FOX – Sunday, 3 P.M.

California is over, so it is safe to look again.

Have an obstreperous weekend.

-Bryan

About Damn Time for Some Hockey: Canada-Russia

Canada, like Austin Powers, has found its mojo.

The following is a real-time log of a crappy hockey game. I have not changed any notes – a fact that will become painfully obvious in about a paragraph.

So here’s the setup. We’re in quarterfinals play and these are the two favorites for the entire tourney. Now the loser gets eliminated from medal contention. How did this happen? America. That’s how. The U.S.A.’s victory over Canada on Sunday knocked the Canucks to the sixth seed. Russia is three, but an underdog nonetheless. Alex Ovechkin says take your dog and shove it.

Prove me right, Alex. And prove to the head of the Canadian Olympic Committee that he was in fact correct – his country’s “Own the Podium” undertaking was a complete waste of $117 million dollars.

Let’s do this.

First Period

Alright, so last time we were here, I suggested that Ovechkin bolted for the locker room after Sunday’s Czech game to tape his highlight body check of Jaromir Jagr on SportsCenter. Dead wrong. He said in an interview with Jeremy Roenick that he bolted for YouTube instead. I love this kid. And I bet he can drink like a fish.

“All NHL-ers at the start,” says combover enthusiast/play-by-play man Mike Emrick. A little more buildup before this baby gets cranked up. ESPN analyst John Buccigross said on SportsCenter today that this is the biggest hockey game of the year. Bucci knows his hockey. Plus he’s got a great tie knot… And you always trust a guy with a great tie knot.

At 17:30, Canadian Danny Boyle of the San Jose Sharks finds Ryan Getzslaf (Ducks) on a crossing pass from the right circle. Getzflaf takes advantage of the empty net. 1-0, Canada, as Team Russia tries to shake off the Smirnoff buzz from the night before.

The Canadians have come out in full attack mode, peppering Russian goaltender Evgeni Nabokov (Sharks) and dictating action in the Russian zone. Much ballyhooed Canadian goaltending replacement Roberto Luongo (Canucks) is sipping Earl Grey in his own end.

It’s 7 minutes in and we got a Russian power play. I’m half-expecting the Russian Rocket Pavel Bure to skate out on a line with Ovechkin and his Caps teammate Alexander Semin. No luck.

Now we get a Canadian power play as Frankenstein lookalike Anton Volchenkov of the Senators sticks Sid the Kid in the legs… Boyle takes advantage. He’s trailing a Canadian rush like a young Shaq trailing a fastbreak. Boyle puts a wrister past Nabokov. 2-0, Canada. And as I’m describing the last score, the Canadians create an odd-man rush off an Evgeni Malkin (Penguins) turnover. Columbus Blue Jacket Rick Nash seals the deal. 3-0, Canada, as the head of the Canadian OC thinks maybe he’s only wasted $50 million.

Hold that thought. With five minutes left, the maligned Volchenkov crosses ice to Dmitri Kalinin. Kalinin plays for Phoenix. Kalinin says, stick it Coach Gretzky. 3-1, Russia as Vladimir Putin gives democracy 45 more minutes to prove itself.

Let's pretend this went in.

Russian goalie Nabokov makes a spectacular kick save on another Canadian blitzkrieg. Had Big Red played this kind of defense during the Cold War, we wouldn’t have needed to send David Hasselhoff to finish the job.

Damnit. It’s hard to write a coherent sentence when the Canadians are taking it to the net like Kim Cattrall takes to a horrified 25-year-old. Winger Brenden Morrow of the Dallas Stars is pestering Nabokov like a 200-pound padded gnat. His vigor pays off – the puck squirts through on a cheap behind-the-net move. 4-1, Canada, as I begin to wonder why I’m not doing something better with my time.

 “Canada’s looking like a buzzsaw,” says studio man Bill Patrick. Yeah, that about sums it up.

Second Period

Remember when I said always trust a man with a great tie knot? I lied. Buccigross’s “greatest game of the year” has become as one-sided as a Sarah Palin hunting trip. The Canadians are the guys firing from the helicopter, and poor Nabokov is the Moose running for his life. When I started that analogy, it was 5-1 on a goal from Anaheim’s Corey Perry. Right around “guys firing” it went to 6-1. I don’t even know who scored the last goal.

“By a fistful, Canada,” Emrick says. I’ve never heard “fistful” as a beatdown descriptor before, but I like it. The fact that the Russians scored as he said ”fistful” killed the mojo a little. 6-2, Canada, as a yanked Nabokov leaves to watch the two-man bobsled.

“It doesn’t mean they’ll win, but at least they’ll have a chance to come back,” Emrick says, explaining the Russians newfound energy. He adds, “Until now.” 7-2, Canadians, as humbled goalie Martin Brodeur thinks to himself, “Yeah, Luongo was probably a good move.”

This is what we mean by "microcosm."

At the 8:30 mark, Russian defenseman Sergei Gonchar of the Penguins drills a slapper from the blue line past Luongo. 7-3, Canada, as Brodeur begins to convince himself otherwise.

On yet another Canadian offensive, a Russian defender kicks the net out of place. “And there’s going to be interference against the Russians,” Emrick says. Jimmy Carter just got a cold shiver. Power play Canada with six minutes left.

Brenden Morrow has the most yellow teeth I’ve ever seen on another human being. This is neither here nor there, but it’s a four goal game – at this point nothing is here or there. Tony Siragusa lives for moments like these.

Third Period

The studio team tried to get Sidney Crosby for an interview between periods, but he was busy Mapquesting directions to Imperial Chinese Restaurant. This does not bode well for Alex Ovechkin.

Volchenkov elbows Hurricanes captain Eric Staal on a “semi-dirty play” as the two are sprinting into the end boards. Staal goes down in a heap of Canadian, proceeds to spit blood from his mouth, crawl to his feet and skate off the ice as his fellow countrymen cheer approval. There’s “tough guy” and then there’s “hockey player.” Does he stay in the game? Come on. He punches himself in the teeth for good measure.

Like NHL fans, except they exist.

One’s mind begins to wander with 13 minutes left in a meaningless hockey period. I’m thinking new rule to prevent this kind of wasted ice time. What if we implemented a 3-pointer just to keep it interesting? You put a puck in from between the blue line and center ice, you get an automatic hat trick. We’ll call it a “knockout goal,” as the boxing equivalent would be a late-round knockout from a guy who’s way down on the scorecard.  

Fun fact: Russian Fedor Tyutin of the Columbus Blue Jackets pronounces his name “Toot-en.” My question to you: how many fart jokes do you think this guy has to put up with?

With nine minutes left, Emrick says to his color man Ed Olczyk, “You said it would be high scoring! You said the Canadians would win!” Emrick would actually try to kiss his butt, but his lips might get stuck with the ice and all.

Luongo absolutely stones Malkin on a power play breakaway. The rowdy, fully inebriated (on Earl Grey tea) Canadian crowd starts a chant of “SC SUCKS! SC SUCKS!” Actually, they’re yelling “LUUUUUUUU,” but you can’t tell from the TV mics. Still 7-3, Canada, as I scramble for words to adequately convey my dissapointment.

- Robbie

Roundball Roundup: Sky Blu, Vulcan Grip, Durantula

Afraid of spiders? The Western Conference is.

What would make hockey better? More black people. It’s Roundup time.

I know what you’re thinking: how is Hilson going to fit Mitt Romney into his NBA talk this week? Well thanks for asking, Fictional Second Person.

Two big Utah-related streaks came crashing down in a heap of culture shock over the past few days and I, for one, am determined to find multiple parallels between them… if for nothing else, as an excuse to recount the following.

On Monday, the Atlanta Hawks beat the red-hot Jazz 121-112 for their first victory in Utah in 17 years. So Atlanta over Utah – we’re one streak down. Now here’s my in…

On Saturday, Utah-via-BYU’s finest Mitt Romney took his well-coifed head of hair and Reaganesque smile to the Conservative Political Action Conference (read: Star Trek Convention for Glenn Beck Fans) in D.C. only to get based in a straw poll by Texas congressman Ron Paul. Romney had won the poll three years straight – you could say he had a “Vulcan grip” on CPAC.

That’s streak two. Now stay with me because here’s where it gets weird. Besides great fried chicken and Dominique Wilkins, Atlanta is known primarily for two things – famous rappers and the Olympics.

Well funny thing: last week Romney, on a flight back from the Olympics, was allegedly attacked by an irate passenger who wouldn’t return his seat to its full, upright and locked position.

Turns out the assailant was none other than LMFAO rapper Sky Blu… You can’t make this stuff up, but it gets much better.

For his part, Sky Blu says, hell no. That’s not how it went down. He told TMZ that a belligerent Romney not only attacked him, but used – and I quote – “a Vulcan grip.”

“I’m not your prey. I’m not a salmon going upstream. You’re not going to grip me up,” the rapper said of Romney’s turn as Dr. Spock. (Great freaking quote, Sky)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65EbjUMepTo]

LMFAO: Not happy with the Right Wing

So you see, there was precedence for Monday’s game. And how about this: Romney was done in by Ron Paul; the Jazz were done in by subpar games from Ronnie Price and Paul Millsap.

All of this is to say, those who keep up on their celeb news should have seen the Hawks’ victory coming. Seems Atlanta’s been roundaboutly sticking it to Utah for a couple of weeks now.

A typically pointless side note: both Sky Blu – nephew of Motown legend Berry Gordy – and Mitt Romney – son of American Motors legend George Romney – were born in Detroit. Much like all you’ve read so far, this has nothing to do with anything, much less basketball. But hell of a story, right?

Let’s talk about The King.

After trying my damnedest to persuade Cavs GM Danny Ferry to sit tight at the trade deadline – and then summarily convincing myself that Jamison was the right move instead – Ferry’s team repaid my unabashed support of the ‘Tawn deal by coming up O-fer in consecutive games to Denver, Charlotte and Orlando before topping New Orleans on Tuesday.

Of course, LeBron had little to do with his team’s sucky play, posting a 33-10 and 8 boards per in the three losses (although James scored only 3 fourth quarter points in Orlando). But bottom line is, Cleveland, despite still having the best record in basketball at 44-14, is making me look like an idiot for putting my stamp of approval on their acquisition of a banged up 33-year-old.

Be this as it may, I’m sticking to my guns, and not because I lost a card game to Gilbert Arenas.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTMiJmBPkPQ]

Jamison/West poster on sale at your local Sports Authority

Let me reiterate: Antawn Jamison will be just fine – he followed an 0 for 12 FG debut with 37 points on 16 of 28 shooting combined in his subsequent two contests. Plus, he won’t have to worry about his body breaking down on him, logging 38 min. a night for a hopeless Wizards club. In fact, now he’s got a healthy Leon Powe to spell him.

And I never thought I’d say this – mainly because he looks like he swallowed Gilbert Brown – but Shaq is actually rounding into shape (no pun intended). He’s notched back-to-back 20-point games on a Martin Gramatica-like 18 for 23 from the floor, and for the year, is averaging a 12-7 and 1 block in 23 minutes per. Not bad for a soon to be 38-year-old with tits.

The Zydrunas Ilguaskas hang up is another story. The Wizards buyout isn’t going as quickly as expected, and David Stern at one point seemed dead set on keeping him from returning to Cleveland even though he’s allowed these kind of prearrangements since the beginning of time.

When the Wiz do free Big Z, the Hawks, Mavs and Nuggets will be jostling for position like a rabid pack of Wal-Mart shoppers on Black Friday. Dallas has a nose lead given Ilguaskas’ history with GM Donnie Nelson on the Lithuanian national team… I know two things about the Lithuanians – they throw a hell of a discus and their homies stick together.

It’ll all work itself out. In the meantime, my advice to Skip Bayless: pop a Quaalude and get back to me in 30 days.

Hey, speaking of abused substances, now’s a good time to discuss the budding feud between head case Charles Barkely and head case/Heat forward Michael Beasley. The Round Mound recently referred to Beasley as the Tito to Dwyane Wade’s Michael Jackson.

No way, Chuck. Tito plays defense.

But seriously, there’s no way Pat Riley could’ve landed Amare Stoudemire for Tito Jackson. Jermaine maybe. Not Tito.

Barkley: The Unofficial Sixth Jackson

A quick Juice Hellmanns update before we go any further. The Juiced One has topped 22 points three times since Wednesday and is shooting 53 percent in his last four. More impressively, rumor is that Memphis almost dealt him for Monta “I’m 24 and a Scoring Machine” Ellis. That’s respect, holmes.

Moving on…

If there was any question as to who will win out in the Association’s collective bargaining dispute, Boston guard Marquis Daniels this week settled the debate once and for all: the players union has no chance in hell.

No. Chance. In hell.

Daniels recently paid out to forge a replica of his own head. Now I’m all for head-forging. Nothing about this strikes me as fiscally irresponsible… until I find that said head is made of three pounds of 14k gold and diamonds.

Let me be clear as bling: the players will fold first. They have to, because when you’re buying 1300-grams of bejeweled human likeness, you can’t afford a lockout.

Marquis Daniels will make $1.9 million this year. He has mouths to feed.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTtUtH8u4Aw]

Lil John is jealous

On that apocalyptic note, it’s time for this week’s edition of Streaking: Everybody’s Doin’ It!

The “In Underwear for Charity Run” Streak: Toronto. The Canadian government came out Tuesday and basically said that it burned the $117 million it spent to support its Olympic athletes. You will get no argument from Sports Casualties. On the bright side, Canada gets to keep Chris Bosh for three more months. He’s averaging a man’s 29-11 on 56 percent shooting in February as his Raptors have gone 5-2 in that period and won 10 of 12 overall.

The “Still Partially Clothed, But A Little Tipsy and It’s Getting Chilly” Streak: Mad ups to Dallas for making the Streaking portion of our show. One can credit this promising development to Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld who swapped Caron Butler and Brendan Haywood for Josh Howard in a don’t-give-a-s*** move that makes you wonder if Evan Bayh was involved. While Butler’s figuring out the two guard spot, Haywood’s already comfortable in his new role as Absolute Monster, as evidenced by Monday’s 18 point, 20 board outburst. Dallas is 4-1 since the trade and has pulled to within 1 ½ games of the second seed – this as ex-Mav Howard tore his ACL Monday and, unfortunately for Wiz fans, will now have ample time to smoke tree.

The “Birthday Suit But, Hey, It’s Dark Outside” Streak: Utah steals this spot despite the aforementioned loss to Atlanta primarily because Jerry Sloan’s group came from 25 down to top Portland on the road Sunday. Impressive. The Jazz are 17-3 since Jan. 9, and for what it’s worth, Deron Williams was the best player on the court during All-Star Sunday. Yeah, you’re right. Not worth much. But here’s something: Andrei Kirilenko has to be motivated by all the Ivan Drago talk around here. Now if he can just shake those back spasms…

The “Wild Wimbledon, Only Clothes Are These Painted Flags, ‘Lookout, Queen Mother!’” Streak: Kevin Durant. I’d say Durantula has Air Jordan in his sites, but really he’s looking like a mile ahead of him. Mike’s got the record for consecutive 25-point games – he reached 40 twice – but Durant is at 29 and counting. What excites Thunder fans, though, aside from this cool-as-a-cumber, freakishly gifted 21-year-old, is that OKC is 20-9 during KD’s scoring binge. The entire city of Seattle just collectively stepped up to the ledge, and not because of the depressing music.

As always, it’s been real. Here’s your buzzer beater.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tfbIn8GDl0]

- Robbie

An Olympic Masterpiece

Therese Rochette passed away on Sunday.

On Tuesday night, her daughter captivated the world.

Her daughter is Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette, and this will certainly not be the last time that you read her name. Rochette took to the ice on Tuesday night in the women’s short program competition. She managed to sustain a stoic appearance during warm-ups and into her routine. Figure skating, a sport that has been rather unfairly bashed by us here at SC from time to time, is truly an athletic art of emotion.

Say what you want, but there is little argument against the fact that few athletes show more of themselves during a performance than a figure skater. So as Rochette made her way through a near flawless program, it was not too difficult to see the stoic mask fading. Analysts like to say that an athlete’s sport keeps them together in times like these. Well, if that is the case, then you could clearly see the medicinal effects of figure skating wearing off as Rochette reached her routine’s final stages.

At the precise moment that the program ended, the composed mask was removed. Rochette wept heavily as she bowed before the most adoring crowd that these games will see until her next run on Thursday. She cried in tragedy, tribute and triumph, out of mental exhaustion and Olympic jubilation. At one time not long ago, she probably looked up into the stands to see her mother’s reaction after three minutes of grace. Now she simply looked to the sky.

NBC cameras flashed to a man that announcers identified as Rochette’s father who was weeping with emotion in the stands. Except later it was discovered that the man was not really her father, but rather a friend of the family. NBC admitted their error, but it didn’t really matter. Because on this night, it wasn’t hard to confuse an emotional spectator with a close family member. After all, it seemed that at 16,281, the capacity of Vancouver’s Pacific Coliseum, Rochette had the world’s largest extended family, atleast for a night.

Rochette then took the routine skate over to her coach, but the moment was anything but routine. Some coaches greet their skaters with handshakes or brief hugs, Rochette and her coach fully embraced in a tearful moment. They waited for a score to be announced. Rochette found out that she will be in third place going into Thursday’s conclusion of the women’s figure skating competition.

“I will remember this forever,” said 24-year-old Rochette in a written statement that she prepared for the press.

Therese Rochette died of a massive heart attack just a few hours after arriving in Vancouver to watch her daughter live out a dream. She was 55 years old.

Regardless of what happens next, a terrible event followed by a courageous response has created one of the more memorable Olympic moments of all time. It is events like Tuesday night that make the Olympics the tremendous, transparent occasion that they are.

It is unlikely that any form of Olympic success on Thursday will make the startling loss of her mother any less painful for Rochette. Medals look great on display, they don’t replace lives. However, what this does do is leave Rochette and everyone that witnessed her performance with a memory. A memory that reminds people just how great and meaningful sports can be.

-Bryan

WWE NXT: Recap of the Brand's Debut Episode

Daniel Bryan: Less Tan than the Average WWE Superstar

USA Hockey doesn’t return to the ice until Wednesday, Bode Miller has finally let his hangover get the best of him and nobody plays a spring training game for another week. In other words, this is the perfect opportunity to discuss faux sports. As Sports Casualties’ resident “sports entertainment” (known to some as pro wrestling) enthusiast, I have taken it upon myself to offer commentary on NXT, the brand new show that World Wrestling Entertainment is debuting this evening. The following is semi-live coverage and analysis of WWE NXT, Episode One. In the words of Hannah Teter, “we’re going to pee in cups, guys.” Alright, that wasn’t the quote I was looking for.

Let me begin by giving a brief introduction to the show, and by saying that there are a significant amount of unknowns when it comes to what NXT’s actual format will be. WWE is kind of marketing it as a reality show/regular wrestling brand hybrid, but they have not delved much into the actual stipulations around it. I am expecting it to be a competition-based “reality” show with plenty of “how things work” mentor moments. Think “Ultimate Fighter,” except scripted.

What we do know is this:

NXT is the WWE’s replacement for their own rendition of the ECW brand, which went off air last week after nearly a four-year run. ECW had grown extremely stale, and had basically become a complete afterthought in the company over the last two years.

So with that, in comes NXT which will take the top eight wrestlers from the WWE’s developmental territory, Florida Championship Wrestling (think Triple-A baseball), and pair them with eight current WWE wrestlers (or superstars, as Vince McMahon demands that they are called). The show will function in episodic seasons instead of the year-round schedule of a traditional wrestling program. The following are NXT’s participants:

• Rookie Daniel Bryan will be paired with WWE superstar and former “Real World” cast member, The Miz in one of the more publicized pairings. Bryan, known as Bryan Danielson previously in his career, is one of the more elite wrestlers in the world. Prominent primarily in the independent ranks, “Wrestling Observer Newsletter” has named Bryan the best technical wrestler in the world the last five consecutive years and the most outstanding wrestler the last four consecutive years. Bryan has the resume that die-hard wrestling fans swoon over, but he is paired with a man that is hated by those same groups of fans for the way that he broke into the business.
• Rookie Wade Barrett will be paired with WWE superstar and World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho.
• Rookie Justin Gabriel will be paired with WWE superstar Matt Hardy.
• Rookie Skip Sheffield will be paired with WWE superstar William Regal.
• Rookie Michael Tarver will be paired with WWE superstar Carlito.
• Rookie Heath Slater will be paired with WWE superstar Christian.
• Rookie Darren Young will be paired with WWE superstar and straight-edge proponent C.M. Punk.
• Rookie David Otunga will be paired with WWE superstar R-Truth.

Alright, it’s 10 P.M. which means one thing for everybody not named NBC, showtime.

Worse Acronym: NXT or XFL?

“My God, the world is watching,” says Jim Ross’ obligatory introduction. That only means one thing: it’s time.

The show opens with a very “high school sitcom” theme song. I was expecting to see cuddling “90210″ cast members instead of wrestlers. The Miz opens by bringing forward Bryan, referring to him as an “Internet darling” who has made it in the “minor leagues.” He says that he knows Bryan can wrestle, but orders him to march to the ring and introduce himself to the WWE Universe. “Show some personality,” orders the spray tan-laden reality star.

Michael Cole and Josh Matthews are the announce team. Ugh, one more night of getting to hear Cole yell “Vintage!” over and over again. Matt Striker will be the show’s host.

Bryan walks into the ring with his rather dorky demeanor. He begins by running down The Miz with little passion. The Miz interrupts in an arrogant way that only The Miz can execute. Miz tells Bryan that he needs personality. Bryan says that maybe he should “go on a reality show, get a faux hawk and come back acting like an idiot.” Burn. He also says that if he ever gets in a ring with The Miz, The Miz will have two options, “to tap or snap.” Clever.

When people stop being polite...and start getting real.

Much like a night at the Woods’ household, Miz slaps Bryan and walks off. Bryan promises to “slap him back” as we go to our first commercial.

Strong opening segment featuring the two guys that everybody wanted to see. Nice jumping point for the show. Bryan looked awkward at first, but soon got comfortable and had the crowd heavily behind him.

Carlito comes out with his protege, Michael Tarver. A video profile gives some background on Tarver. Out next are their opponents, Christian and Heath Slater. Slater gets a video profile of his own, and his is rather entertaining. Slater refers to himself as both the “rock star without instruments” and the “one man rock band.”

Trying to fight the South Park stereotype that Ginger "one man rock bands" do not have souls.

The team of Slater and Christian win when Christian hits his killswitch finisher on Tarver. Tarver and Carlito had a confused teammates moment which ended up costing them the match. Slater showboated proudly although he did very little in an average tag match.

The running Wrestlemania is (blank) days away commercial airs. I really think this is one area where some other sports leagues could take marketing advice. Super Bowl commercials should start airing with a cool theme song 50 days in advance.

Darren Young makes his way to the ring sporting a South Beach party boy gimmick. Yes, he’s paired with C.M. Punk, a polar opposite with his Straight-Edge Society program. C.M. Punk comes out with his stable that looks fresh out of the meth lab. Punk has no idea why he’s in NXT and why he has to deal with Young. His opponent is David Otunga, the fiance of singer Jennifer Hudson, and that’s pretty much a synopsis of his gimmick.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_1CJ4CWmfU]

Straight-Edge Society: Don’t Drink, Don’t Smoke, Don’t Shower

Otunga wins in a quick squash match that leaves Punk looking more disgusted than his last trip to Oktoberfest.

Bryan is announced to have a match later with Chris Jericho. Nothing like having a match with the champion on your first night in the company. This match-up should be like a naked movie for Internet wrestling nerds everywhere.

Jericho makes his entrance alongside Wade Barrett with 18 minutes remaining in the show. This either means that there will be a decent amount of talking, or that WWE is really giving Bryan a trial run against one of its best performers in a match of adequate time. Let’s hope for the latter.

Barrett plays the heel role by taking care of Jericho’s ring introductions. He gets the crowd to boo him, but honestly Mother Teresa could probably draw some heat standing next to Jericho. Bryan’s introduction and then another commercial break, and it looks like we’re not going to get the lengthy match that my hopes were up for.

Chris Jericho was once a rookie...

Jericho wins what was a very good match for a six minute contest. Plenty of bickering back and forth on commentary about Bryan’s experience. “I’m supposed to be impressed by some guy that has been wrestling in high school gyms,” said all-time wrestling great Michael Cole. The match was highlighted by an awesome bump that Bryan took when a dive to the outside of the ring turned into a Jericho reverse slam into the edge of the announcer table that looked brutal.

“That’s a cracked rib,” said a text message from friend and fellow wrasslin’ aficionado, Corey Frauenfelder. Bryan had a brief hold on Jericho that they sold as a “he almost beat the world champ” moment, but in all reality, it was about as believable as a Chicago Cubs World Series run.

Jericho would close Bryan off with a codebreaker and a variation of the Walls of Jericho submission hold. The closing image of the show was The Miz stepping into the ring and beating the living hell out of Daniel Bryan. It was like Bryan cheated to beat Miz in a Gauntlet challenge, and set up an epic house brawl.  Miz said that Bryan embarrassed him. Bryan asked what bar they were all going to after the show in a light whisper.

It will be interesting to see the reaction to this show because it was a very unique format. I personally liked it, but I’m sure some will tear it apart. If there’s one thing that they made clear tonight, it’s that Miz and Bryan are the duo that is set to carry this show. That may change as some interesting storylines were also set with Darren Young’s contrast to the Straight-Edge Society and Jericho’s new British sidekick. There’s also two rookies who were not featured at all tonight who will need a build next week.

Alright Holt, enough of you and your fake sports.

Don’t worry non-wrestling America, I’ll be back to work later writing about real, competitive sports once again. Let all of those who like their athletics unscripted rejoice.

-Bryan

If At First You Don't Succeed… You Are Not Tim Tebow

Check out Tebowisms.net for more hilarity, but read this post first. Tebow commands it.

ESPN’s Adam Schefter is at it again, this time breaking the news that University of Florida alum Tim Tebow is a hard worker.

Great job by you, Scheftie.

Now usually I wouldn’t give Chris Mortensen’s spiritual offspring the time of day – even though we shamelessly follow him on Twitter – but it feels necessary to talk about football today for two reasons, neither of them especially good.

First, a 1938 edition of Action Comics’ No. 1 sold for a record $1 million on Monday. If you know anything about comic books (read: live with your mother), you know that Action Comics’ No. 1 is the first mag to feature The Man of Steel Himself. So Gainesville’s own Superman, Tebow, seems due for a little hometown love. You could say the stars are aligned.

Second, and of far less importance – because only a freaking moron would believe that Timmy was satisfied with his crappy delivery and popping Bon Bons pre-Pro Day – Schefter reported on ESPN that the greatest competitor in the history of college football is attempting to improve both his footwork and throwing motion.

In a word, shocker. 

Nevertheless, being a proud Gator myself, I was mildly relieved to “learn” that Tebow was indeed working to improve his gimpy mechanics (and again, if I had stopped to think about it for just a second, I would have reached the conclusion that, yes, Tebow is probably trying to raise his draft stock).

Tebow, Pre Making Self More Awesome

Why is he doing this? Well I don’t know about you, but when I first heard that Tebow would appear in his now infamously non-infamous, half-minute Super Bowl spot, I just thought, “Well, hell, he’s got 30 seconds. He’ll probably just perform a five-step drop and that’ll be that.”

Of course, Tim tackled his mom instead in a Focus on the Family ad, which is ironic because all those West Coast teams that value a quick delivery in the first place… um, let’s just say they’re not necessarily Focus on the Family folk.

But this is neither here nor there. Point is, Tebow has – or had, depending on how much you believe his coaches – a gaping loop in his passing motion, which exposed him in the Senior Bowl when, deathly ill, he coughed up both two fumbles and a lung.

Turns out that these kinds of things happen when you instinctively swoop the football to your waist every time you drop back to pass.

As Urban Meyer and every NFL defensive end might say, “Hey, works for me!”

Much like cars look both ways when Tim crosses the street and hostile alien races refuse to attack Earth when he is on it, The Perfect Release offered to conform to Tim’s motion out of deference and a healthy fear.

But Fifteen said no.

In the beginning...

So now Mel Kiper’s worst dream is coming to fruition: Heisman has yet again snapped into Serengeti Mode and turned hell-bent on setting fire to every pro scout’s preconceived notions and each clipboard criticism.

He’ll do so under the tutelage of, among others, former NFL head coach Sam Wyche and former OC Zeke Bratkowski, who told Schefter, “You’re not looking at the same quarterback… He doesn’t have rabbit ears, but he knows what people are saying and he hears it — and that motivates him.”

Don’t lie, you just got a little chill.

For ESPN’s part, its cameras spotted RoboTim in a Nashville practice facility looking very much like the lovechild of Mad Max and the Terminator, throwing frozen ropes to a few happy-to-be-there white dudes.  

He held the ball higher and whipped passes at ear-level. He took to the three and five-step drops like a Russian ballerina, and rocked badass Under Armour garb all the while. He was protecting this house, but, really, nobody was gonna mess with the house with Tim around anyway.

Quite frankly, the WARdrobe alone should secure him a second round spot. And if you have to ask, the answer is yes – I have tickets to the gun show.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEMUAFF5wrQ]

Look, I’m no Kool-Aid slurper, contrary to what the last ten or so paragraphs would have you believe. Tebow’s 6-week makeover has no chance in hell of immediately translating to the pro game.

These new and improved movements have a way of crapping out when faced with 320-pound human battering rams, and if the transition was so easy, Urban Legend would’ve done the job already.

It’s going to take time, but hey, time is all backup quarterbacks got. Are you telling me that Timmy can’t run the wildcat behind David Garrard for two years? If you thought Drew Brees’ savior turn was epic, wait until Tebow The Third Year Starter singlehandedly preempts the Jags’ move to the English Premier League.

I’ll briefly caution, though, that similar, less-hyped stories, surfaced about Alpha-‘Cane Ken Dorsey’s pre-draft workouts – he’d bulked up and become something of a Frankenstein with the right arm of Vinny Testerverde.

Kenny is a high school football coach these days.

But here’s what’s going to pay off for Tebow in the long run. Scouts and coaches will soon find out, if they haven’t already, that you can’t tell Tim to run through a wall… because he will actually try to do it, and even then, you’d only give the wall 3 to 1 odds.

“With continued work, I will have this down pat by minicamp. It will be like second nature. It’s not like it feels awkward to me now. I’m excited about the changes I’ve made,” Tebow told Scheftie.

That the kid actually thinks he can erase a lifetime of bad habits in 2 months is what makes him special.

Scheftie’s little no-news story tells all potential suitors what they should have known in the first place. Tim will do anything to get better. And should you pass on him, should you chicken out, should you heed the naysayers, he absolutely will make you pay.

- Robbie

Sweet American Vindication: Day 11 of the Winter Olympics

"This one's for Sports Casualties." - U.S. Hockey Team

It is no longer just a biased Sports Casualties talking point. It is now officially a fact. These winter games belong to the Americans.

Incase you have been trapped in a technology-deficient bomb shelter for the last 24 hours (come out, the Cold War is over and Canada doesn’t have bombs), you probably already know about the triumph of the USA over Canada in the preliminary round’s final game. Yes, that triumph came in hockey, the sport that Canucks everywhere like to declare as their own.

In other words, this is the equivalent of the U.S. defeating the British in cricket, the Chinese in badminton or the French in homosexual affection. Yes, this is huge.

SC: Nearly as Humble as Chad Ochocinco

Now as you learned last week, SC is a humble entity that tries to avoid the obligatory “I told you so.” However, as you also learned last week, SC does not currently have the greatest relationship with our nosy neighbors to the north. We managed to ruffle up the icy feathers of the people of the frozen tundra, surely helping fuel the Americans to their largest hockey victory in exactly 30 years. So with that, I am virtually required to take you back to a rather prophetic quote that I dispersed on Thursday:

“Enjoy your miserable weather and your cheesy national police force because we’re taking over the winter and next on our list is your beloved hockey.”

I told you so.

U.S. goalie Ryan MIller officially submitted his write-in candidacy for the 2012 presidential election on Sunday night. Running on the platform of hockey and 42 breath-suppressing saves, Miller may be just what this country needs. After all, he made Americans feel more proud of their country than any politician has, let’s see, ever. Miller’s performance was so majestic that it was nearly unbelievable. In all reality, it likely won’t be the last unbelievable performance that he will need to exhibit to continue the golden dreams of the USA pucksters.

Ryan Miller: Great American or Greatest American?

While Miller was the game’s greatest hero, there were certainly others. There was Chris Drury, the wise veteran on a team primarily filled with young and unproven talent. There was Brian Rafalski and there was Ryan Kesler, whose hustling empty-net goal and World Series-esque pile-up celebration made Canada Hockey Place more silent than a Britney Spears concert sans CD player. This was supposed to be a necessary rebuilding Olympics for a U.S. franchise that, unlike Hannah Storm, was not aging well. Instead, this roster may very well be famous to all by week’s end.

Now before all of the mullet-rocking Barry Melrose disciples berate me, yes, I know that this was only a preliminary contest and that it’s probably not a great sign that the Canadians dominated every offensive statistic not named goals. I know that the Americans by no way have an easy shot through to the medal round. However, today is not a day for reality. Today is a day for basking in Sunday night’s glorious victory, something that no one gave the Americans a chance to do. Yes, that includes you, Mr. Melrose.

“I think this game will be much closer than many people think. I believe the Americans will only lose 5-3.” – the prediction of the grey mullet.

By the way Barry, the Tampa Bay Lightning thank you, and your disdain for them, for their 2010 playoff run.

Vintage Melrose

Also, rumors brought forward by Robbie Hilson that I had infiltrated the sound system of Canada Hockey Place are unfortunately not true. Trust me, if I had anything to do with the music being played in Vancouver’s beloved arena, all you would be hearing is the only song that I have personally bothered listening to since about 10:15 Sunday night.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-9_fDEsv-Q]

U.S. hockey wasn’t the only thing that built up my patriotism over the weekend. On Sunday, skier Bode Miller won his first ever gold medal, taking his personal Vancouver medal count to three. Miller, best known for skiing because he likes the rush and doesn’t care where he finishes, and for his desire to make the Olympics so that he can “party at an Olympics level,” is finally garnering a career as large as his persona.

If you can’t feel good about this world class boozer finally making it, you’re probably not a real American.

On a closing note, I’m sure many people had their hockey searching moment last night where they flipped to NBC expecting to see the most notable game of this young Olympic hockey tournament. Instead, they soon learned that this monumental hockey game was pushed to the Olbermann Network, known to some as MSNBC. This transition was acceptable because Uncle Keith doesn’t work on non-football Sundays, and therefore could not issue an angry monologue about it.

Instead, NBC hit the heart of mainstream America with their coverage of the two-man bobsled and the ever-popular ice dancing. You can imagine the adrenaline letdown when Americans faded away from their hockey victory to NBC where they were greeted by Russians pretending to be aborigines. This was not all. The aborigines were soon followed by an unknown duo who dressed as the Amish for their dance (ironic), and a gratuitous amount of fake cowboys.

The Sitdown Tombstone Piledriver: An Intricate Part of Ice Dancing

Yes one of these cowboy duos was ice dancing to a song by a “country” trio that will not be named. Let’s just say they’re three outspoken ladies led by one obnoxiously outspoken lady who enjoys declaring herself as “not country music” only to throw hissy fits when country music then says “alright, then we won’t play your music.” Google it.

I was almost done with ice dancing when figure skater and SC favorite Tanith Belbin entered my screen and saved the day. God bless native Canadians that achieve dual citizenship, and then immediately drop their Canadian roots to compete for America.

Happy winter…from Florida.

-Bryan

About Damn Time for Some Hockey: Russia-Czech Republic

Alex Ovechkin, like hockey in general, kicks ass.

If you, like me, are still basking in the glow of U.S.A. Hockey’s victory over Canada, you’ll take a Monday puck fix any way you can get it. So, the following are game notes from Sunday’s Olympic match between the Czech Republic and Russia. Thanks for sitting tight, hockey. You’re about to get some major SC love… In the words of Hannah Teter and Sports Casualtists everywhere, Let’s do this.

First Period

Should this post go over well, I’m not changing my underwear until it reaches 1,000 hits… Little Stanley Cup joke for all you Canadians and Eastern Europeans out there. So here’s the setup: Russia is 2 points back of the Czech Rep. and needs to win outright to secure its division and a quarterfinals bye. The Czechs earn a bye with a victory as well. The loser waits to see if it has to play in a qualification round.

For all of you international hockey novices (i.e. Everybody), you should know that both Pittsburgh winger Evgeni Malkin and two-time reigning NHL MVP Alex Ovechkin of Washington skate for the Russians. Malkin and Ovechkin loathe each other. Think Bonds/Kent circa 2002.

Apparently the Czech team takes the Amare Stoudemire approach to defense. This is to be expected when Jaromir “He Shoots! HE SCORES!” Jagr is your team’s heart and soul.

Random observation: Alex Ovechkin would be the baddest man on the planet if the Russians were still rocking those hammer and sickle uniforms. Look, I’m no fan of Commies, but their sweaters freaking rock.

The first major scoring opportunity for either team: Ovechkin breaks free into open ice, skates in all alone only to be Cheech and Chonged by Czech/Panthers goaltender Tomas Vokoun. I mean, “stoned.”

I just heard the name “Federov.” Am I to believe that former Red Wings great Sergei Federov is still alive? He was an absolute monster in NHL 96.

Sergei Federov: The Man, The Myth, The Guy Who Dated Anna Kournikova

We got a Russian power play at 9:14. I was under the impression that Olympic hockey wasn’t the most physical affair, but Big Red is flying around like a group of ICBMs…

Seriously, bring back the Cold War. This post would be so much more edgy.

Pavel Datsyuk, Sergei Gonchar and Viktor Kozlov are apparently all Russian as well. Both of these teams are stacked with NHL talent, though you couldn’t tell from the Russian power play. Total disaster. On an unrelated note, I blame my parents that you’re not reading the analysis of “Pavel Nabokov Hilson.” Bad job by Terri and Robb.

We got an icing call and a commercial with Beyonce. Not a huge overlap between Beyonce fans and Patrik Elias fans.

During a second Russian power play, Malkin puts back an easy wrister at an angle after a scramble in front of the Czech net. Ovechkin comes over and sucker punches Malkin in celebration. 1-0, Big Red.

A Google search at the 3:35 mark reveals that, yes, Sergei Federov is not only alive, but anchoring a Russian line at center. More surprising, he’s only 40 years old, or – to put him in perspective – 37 years younger than Chris Chelios. JK, JK, Chris. We kid because we think you may be from the Mesozoic era.

While I was busy poking fun at old Russian dudes, old Russian dudes were busy cheating. The Czechs start a 5 on 3 with 1:40 left in the first. You know what happens when you’re playing 2 men down? Goals, y’all. Czech Thomas Plekanac of the Montreal Canadiens spins around from the right circle and puts a wrister past Evgeni Nabokov of the San Jose Sharks. 1-1.

Nabokov's post-goal intervention

A couple of things that might add to your cultural awareness: Evgeni is pronounced “Jenni.” So, uh, be aware of the hot girl/scraggly bearded man confusion when you head to Moscow. Also, Evgeni is apparently the “John” of Russian names. So, uh, the opportunities to confuse a hot girl with a scraggly bearded man are many.

Through First Period:

Shots On Goal: RSA 12  CZE 5

Scoring Chances: RSA 9 CZE 6

Hits: RSA 9 CZE 7

Power Plays: RSA 1/2 CZE 1/1

Second Period

An observation on play-by-play guy Mike Emrick: he has an epic combover that puts him in the same Bad Analyst Hair League as Tony Kornheiser and Chris Berman. Thank goodness for Mike he’s calling an indoor sport. Let’s just say wind is not this guy’s best friend.

Russian Alexander Semin of the Washington Caps whiffs on an easy scoring op – he misses an open net on a spin around chip shot. The Russians pick up another power play as a consolation prize.

You know what’s great about high sticking? They check the high stick-ee for blood. If he’s cut, the refs double the penalty. Let me ask you, what keeps a player from pulling a Randy “The Ram” Robinson and stashing a razor blade in his socks? I’d bet anything Bret Hart used this move in his Pee Wee years.

Calgary's Finest

Russian fans are chanting “Rew-Cee-Uh! Rew-Cee-Uh!” Emrick says, “We like to translate chants, but we don’t know what that one says or what it means.” Let me help you out, Mike: “Russia! Russia!”

We’re at 11:29 in the second and still knotted at 1-1. I’d like to point out that the arena’s PA guy just blasted some Tom Petty in between breaks. Apparently he’s not aware of the proxy war between Gainesville and all of Canada. Or maybe Bryan Holt has infiltrated Canada Hockey Place’s sound system.

Now we get a heavy dose of the Village People’s “YMCA.” Yeah, so strike off that Bryan suggestion.

Russian Semin takes a stick to the face of newly-bloodied Czech defenseman Jan Hejda (Blue Jackets). No call for high sticking, but ref Tim Donaghy calls a ticky-tack penalty away from the play. Power play Czechs, but they only get a couple of weak shot attempts off on a stingy Russian defense.

“Viktor Kozlov has broken the tie!” A proud former Panther pokes home a deflection right in front of the Czech net. 2-1, Russia. Kozlov used to play in front of a boozed-up Fort Lauderdale crowd chock-full of bad boob jobs and fake tans. Now he’s starring for the Big Red Machine in the Winter Olympics. I’d say lateral move.

Cheaters never prosper. 2-1, Russia

A flurry of action includes a pileup in front of the Russian net that ends with the puck squirting through the crease and crossing the red line. Russian Ilya Kovalchuk of the New Jersey Devils closes his hand on the puck, but after the refs blow the whistle. No goal. No penalty shot. Dick Bavetta calls the centers together for another faceoff.

The Russians aren’t helping themselves, dishing out more ill-advised licks than Bruce Bowen at Bill Romanoski’s Cheap Shot Invitational. Fortunately for The Pride of Ivan Drago, the Czechs couldn’t score with a Kappa Kappa Gamma house and a full bottle of tequila. They squander two consecutive five on fours.

We got 20 minutes of regulation left.  Still 2-1, Russia as we cut to an intermission commercial of a DreamWorks kids movie called – I kid you not – “How to Train Your Dragon.” If you’ve been following aerial skiing, you know that the male announcers would get a huge kick out of this.

British Columbia runs another one of its TV ads featuring, among others, Sarah McLachlan, Ryan Reynolds, and 53-and-starting-to-look-it Kim Cattrall. Advantage: America.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVcQ86Omn0I]

Weak.

Through Second Period:

Shots on Goal: RSA 19 CZE 14

Scoring Chances: RSA 15 CZE 8

Power Plays: RSA 1/3 CZE 1/4

(Oddly enough, NBC got rid of their “hits” graphic between periods. The poor “hits” stat’s run lasted about as long as Conan’s “Tonight Show.” Despite it’s disembodiment, the “hits” statistic has threatened to sue NBC and will most likely reappear at 11:35 on Fox.)

Third Period

“The Czechs don’t have enough fire power to overcome the Russians right now,” says color man Ed Olczyk. Again, bring back the Cold War!

I. Am. All. In. Alex the Great levels Jagr Jack Tatum-style at center ice. Semin picks up the loose puck, hits Malkin in-stride on a cross-rink pass, and Malkin zips a wrister past goalie Nabokov. It takes a grand total of seven seconds for the Russians to alter the course of the entire tournament and permanently rectify Sports Casualties’ once-embittered relationship with hockey.  3-1, Russia, as the Former Soviet Union formally joins the SC-America alliance.

Half-Man, Half-Missile

“He absolutely wallpapers him!”

The Czechs land another power play, but given their history, I’m debating whether to take a 2 minute nap or give you my quick take on hockey announcers… Okay, so here’s my take: Hockey analysts are great. They know the game and the players intimately, rarely stick a foot in the mouth and have a knack for gearing up the excitement when action picks up. On the other hand, the games move so fast that booth teams really don’t have time to say something stupid. I mean, Tim McCarver would kill at hockey so long as he could pronounce “Alexei Ponikarovsky.” Alas, Tim.

Surprise of surprises, the Czechs take to their last power play like Switzerland takes to invading countries. Ten minutes left. Still 3-1, Russia.

Malkin loses his defender with 6 minutes left and comes up short on his bid for a hat trick with a limp slapshot. Honest question: do they call it an “Ushanka trick” in Russia?

Did not see this coming. With about 5 minutes left, the Czechs, offended by my incessant heckling, cut the lead to 3-2 on a Milan Michalek (Ottawa Senators) hustle goal in front of the net. Jagr sets a screen in front of Nabokov, then turns to the camera post-goal shouting, “Vindication, Hilson! VINDICATION!”

Day late, dollar short

Funny how momentum swings with an unexpected goal in the waning minutes. The Czechs are in the midst off their finest offensive performance since World War II (which, admittedly, was pretty lousy). They pull the goalie with a minute left after Vokoun makes a huge save on a Kovalchuk breakaway.

Unfortunately for the Czechs, pulling your goaltender makes it easier for the opposing team to score. Red Wing Datsyuk drills home a blue line wrister with 13 seconds left. 4-2 Russia, as Ovechkin bolts to the locker room to tape the 6 p.m. SportsCenter.

(Third Period statistical recap unavailable due to NBC sucking… Check here if you’re a stat geek)

Big Red wins both the division and my heart. It’s 5:35 p.m. on a Sunday, and for the first time in SC history, officially Hockey Night in America.

- Robbie

Baseball and Mother Canuckers: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

What I woke up to this morning.

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. To read Robbie Hilson’s commentary of the week, click here, or as our Canadian friends would say, “JUST SCROLL DOWN YOU LAZY FAT-ASS AMERICAN!” Let’s do this.

Yes, for those of you who are site regulars, today is a bit of a criss-cross from the usual. Today, I take sloppy seconds in the realm of SC immediate nostalgia and have the late afternoon/early evening shift in writing my irreverent thoughts on the week that was.

To those of you who are new to the site (read: Canadians), I would like to introduce myself. My name is Bryan Holt, and I am the one that is not so quick to apologize. When faced with Robbie’s “should I apologize” text this morning, my actual response may or may not have included the words “let’s just start a war.” My raw emotion has slightly faded since then.

Proud Canuck Bryan Adams is surely not pleased with SC.

This morning I awoke to a message of how our humble little blog had hit a readership explosion. To give you a clue of where this site stands, this was our biggest news since a Google glitch made us the go-to locale for “Jersey Shore” coverage. To say the least, I was thrilled. I then went to our page via iPhone and learned that not only do Canadians have little comprehension for sarcasm and exaggeration, but they also can be much more viscous than their adorable redcoated national police force would have you believe.

On Thursday, I made some jokingly anti-Canada comments in my Winter Olympic coverage which is meant to be slightly informative but primarily comical. In other news, this week I have also compared the Russian women’s hockey team to Ivan Drago, and likened Mike Vick to Johnny Weir. In other words, this site is admittedly not exactly the PBS “Newshour.”

Robbie likely fed off of the mood that some of these comments had spawned when he wrote the NBA trade column that turned SC into an absolute feeding frenzy. The response were comments that included the following:

• “The arrogant, ignorant, fat-ass American Empire will fall hard and fast and the rest of the world not only won’t give a rats ass about it, some will be quite thrilled.” (That one is a little creepy)
• “Your blog sucks.” (Thanks for the thorough feedback!)
• “You’re probably overweight.” (Alright, that one hurt a little bit)

We are a simple-minded sports commentary blog. We don’t pretend to be objective or too painfully serious about our delivery. We are simply here to entertain and air our thoughts. Instead of allowing myself to create a continuation of this ordeal, I will simply thank you all for reading and allow the one and only Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to tell you exactly who we are.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF-uS420w-Q]

On Wednesday, it was announced that Florida Gators running back Chris Rainey will be taking over current Minnesota Viking great Percy Harvin’s place on the 2010 Gators squad. If Rainey is going to do an efficient job, this likely will lead to perpetual migraines and gratuitous marijuana use. In the words of the third-person reference king himself, “damn, it’s good to be Chris Rainey!”

Thursday was the day that we have all been waiting for. To break up the monotony of basketball, pitchers and catchers reported to camp. “Baseball Tonight” is back on the air, the spring training stadiums are ready for migrant baseball fans and John Kruk looks sloppier than ever. Welcome back, baseball.

In politics, Senator Evan Bayh (D-IN) announced on Monday that he will not be seeking reelection. Bayh credits partisan politics, and a growing embarrassment that he represents the same country as snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis, as his reasons for becoming disgusted with his position.

We joke because we care, Lindsey.

Continuing with the winter games, Hannah Teter further won over the hearts of SC when she resorted to use of the SC battle cry before her final run. “Let’s do this,” Teter said. Although the silver medal performance that followed was a bit disappointing, it was nice to see that Teter has SC in mind at all times.

"Let's do this." Gnarly.

To comment on a brief thing that garnered my attention during last night’s women’s halfpipe snowboarding competition, the iPods make for an interesting pre-run routine. It seemed that everytime someone was about to drop in, they were seen frantically searching through their iPod for the appropriate song selection. For those of you who have been in a hurry to find the right song via mp3 player, you know how stressful and frantic this process can be. Do snowboarders really not know what song that they want to ride along with before the very last second, or is this simply the snowboarding version of Derek Jeter fixing his gloves before an at-bat?

One thing is for certain, America can do without the pre-run singing that snowboarder Kelly Clark made a personal tradition. Announcers called her antics “Kelly Karaoke,” but I’m referring to it as “Death by Sing-A-Long.”

In concluding news, Tiger Woods can read.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CchwKGl_bQA]

Hip Hop Gold

As much as I hate to agree with the demonic Stephen A. Smith on the most over-analyzed 13 mintues in the history of sports, Woods’ lectern performance was pathetic this morning. He seemed to almost be sarcastic in his presentation. However, I do agree with him on his numerous points about privacy. I do not agree with the writers who complained about not being able to ask questions at the event. There are events where athletes are bound by rules to answer questions. This was not one of them. Get over it.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8NRnlUU8gI]

See! The Canadians started it…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7UKllR0Edo]

Self-explanatory. WARNING: Some Mature Language

What to Watch on Television this Weekend

Because although we live in a country where we are free to watch whatever we want, deep down inside we still want people to tell us what to watch.

Winter Olympics – Every channel with any form of a relation to NBC – All Weekend

Short and simple this week. Watch the Olympics. Watch them all day. Enjoy.

Have a victorious (Read: American) weekend.

-Bryan