Sunday Funday: The Conference Championship Edition

Don’t get spoiled to this.

While we here at Sports Casualties do not typically work weekends, I have decided to make an exception on this Domeday Championship Sunday for two reasons. The first being that I don’t want to let these games begin without berating you, the loyal reader, with my opinions of them. The second reason is that if I am greeted by Scott “The Body” Brown one more time when checking up on the Web site, I may be permanently scarred.

I will be giving my brief thoughts on today’s games, and just to further destroy my credibility as an objective journalist here at Sports Casualties, I will be declaring what I want to happen and what I think will happen.

Let the party begin.

From L to R: highly marketable quarterback, caribbean cowboy

Jets vs. Colts

What I want to happen: Jets win. Jets win. Jets win. Did I mention I want the Jets to win? I’ve previously stated here that I despise the Colts and that sentiment still stands. I don’t particularly care for the Jets either, but they are a team with guts and I can admire that. Meanwhile, the Colts are the same ho-hum team that they have been for the last decade. CBS will surely be cheering for a Vikings-Colts, Favre-Goober match-up on Feb. 7. Good thing I don’t work for CBS and could care less what kind of ratings they get.

What will happen: Colts win, blah. This is the day that the Jets gritty run likely comes to an end. The Colts are good, real good, and their starters seem to be reacting well to barely playing for the last month. Revis will shut down Wayne, but the Colts have other options. The lackluster Jets offense headlined by Mark “Vinny Chase” Sanchez (props to Robbie for that one) will finally hit the realization that the defense can’t do everything for them. I hope I’m wrong and the physical run game is too much for the Colts, but I doubt it. In the end, I think the Jets are more 1999 Bucs than 2000 Ravens.

Prediction: Colts 24 Jets 10

Still playing the game like a kid.

Vikings vs. Saints

What I want to happen: Unless you’re from New Orleans or you’re Kanye West, you should be cheering for the Vikings here. And yes, I hate it when people say “OMG you HAVE to cheer for this team” (dear 2006 Saints, I loathe you), but I’m going to do it here anyways.

I want to see Favre pretend that he’s going to retire after a Super Bowl victory. I want to see Percy Harvin win a championship. I want to see Jared “The King of Swing” Allen’s antics after his first championship. And yes, while we’re on the topic of biased coverage, Allen is my favorite current NFL player. He has a son named after Rowdy Roddy Piper, and he has a mullet. He wins in my book. Go Vikes.

What will happen: Percy Harvin will play and the Vikings will win. The Superdome will be loud, Brees will be focused and Reggie Bush will be ready to execute the most “electrifying” three-yard runs in football. None of that matters. The Vikings are the best team in football right now. CBS gets their dream Super Bowl XL-something game. Also, because I can tie my hometown team into any conversation, no team has ever lost to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers during the regular season and won the Super Bowl that year. Give it up New Orleans.

Prediction: Vikings 35 Saints 24

Great day to be an American.

-Bryan

"Scott Brown" and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

Baw-chickka-Baw-wah: The Senator from Assachusetts

This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux-sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.

I haven’t done laundry in three weeks, haven’t shaved in four. My closet smells like Vinny’s room after the infamous Pickle Juice Incident. Some of my best friends hate me and I have Post-It notes on my refrigerator that say things like “Snooki=Rudy T, Leno=Shaq.”

Which means it’s time for Week in Review. Let’s do this.

It’s been a rough past seven days for the folks over at NBC Universal. While Conan O’Brien was busy spending every last penny of his limitless budget sticking it to the suits in Rockefeller Plaza, the talking heads over at MSNBC officially entered meltdown mode after centerfold model/all-around regular guy Scott Brown (R-MA) shocked heavy favorite Martha Coakley (D-MA) to steal the still-warm Senate seat of late lion Ted Kennedy.

While giddy pundits at Fox News battled each other for fresh oxygen, the flummoxed casts of “Hardball” and “Countdown” turned against their own in a bitter display of public infighting not seen on live TV since T.O. was in his prime.

Of course, if you’ve turned on a cable news channel in the last two weeks, you know that this story has the legs of a young Ralph Sampson. The Republican victory means that the Democrats have lost their filibuster-proof majority – which was crucial in passing all of the sweeping social reforms of the last twelve months…

Blood Brothers

The Donkeys had a particularly devastating week: the Democrat Coakley upset in New England, the jackass Rivers upset in San Diego.

For the former, it’s hard to know where exactly she went so horribly wrong.

Analyst point out Coakley’s disinterest for campaigning, her failure to get out the vote, and her inability to utilize the big city machine. Still, Coakley was such a heavy favorite, you’d think that something else must have been in play.

I’d suggest that she also offended Cowboy nation by drawing misguided comparisons to former Gailey-Era great Dexter Coakley, but this rationale doesn’t hold water for two reasons.

1)   You have to assume that Cowboys fans were already voting Republican and

2)   If you’re from Dallas, moving to Massachusetts is likely spitting on Tom Landry’s Stetson fedora.

We’re equal opportunity offenders here at Sports Casualties, so I won’t harp on this much longer. But Coakley had the seat locked up, committed a “wicked rettodded blunda” in a crucial moment, and still had a shot on the final night. In other words, she’s the Bill Buckner of Boston politics and will hereto forth be called by her full name, Martha “F******” Coakley.

Outgrowing their britches overnight, Republicans jumped to frame the election as a referendum on President Obama, a revolt against big government, and the first ripple in a wave of discontent that would wash the GOP back into power.

Miss Congeniality

On Thursday’s “Morning Rundown,” Chuck Todd pressed Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN) for insights into his possible Senate run to unseat incumbent Evan Bayh (D-IN).

Pence was quick to dispel rumors that he would leave his district and said that he was “not seeking anything out,” though Todd grew suspicious when he learned that Pence’s exploratory committee is chaired by Nick Saban.

In related news, the White House announced Friday that Jay Leno will host its annual Correspondents’ Association dinner in an attempt to get the nation’s most unlikeable figures together in one room.

Poor Conan. He is uncommonly gifted, freakishly tall. He’s making obscene amounts of money but stuck in a bad situation and no longer gives a crap. He’s forced to defer to an aging superstar who won’t relinquish alpha-dog status even though he’s overweight and passed his prime. Now he’s laid down an ultimatum, taking shots at ownership and planning his escape from L.A. In other words, he’s 2004 Kobe Bryant.

Speaking of Kobe, after King James singlehandedly trumped the defending champs in Cleveland Thursday night, I awoke with LeBron-MJ comparisons on my mind, and a nagging determination to settle the Air Apparent debate once and for all. Naturally, I turned to the experts to put into words thoughts that I simply could not convey.

Said paid analyst Jalen Rose on Friday morning’s SportsCenter…

“There may never be another Michael Jordan. Obviously! But [Lebron’s] the second coming. Get used to it.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Jalen.

From L to R: opportunist, actor, wordsmith

Try as he might, Stephon Marbury can’t outrun his past. The disgraced Coney Island native is currently packing his belongings for a month-long run with the Shanxi Zhongyu Brave Dragons of the Chinese Basketball Association. Having hit a Great Wall five years ago, Marbury’s career is just now coming full circle.

Sticking with washed-up athletes, Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson is gone, but certainly not forgotten, as his “LT Slide Electric Glide” Nike commercials make the ESPN round-the-clock rounds.

Bryan likes the clip, but honestly, it just makes me sad – like watching Mays in a Mets uniform or Holyfield/Botha. I prefer to think of LT back in the glory days, back when he was coining a universal catchphrase for every ballsy male who’s ever had to answer to his wife for dropping $2200 on a whim at the local Best Buy: “I got me a Vizio.”[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RSk8TKRVAY]

When ESPN wasn’t running “Electric Glide” commercials, it was busy irrevocably damaging its Tuesday afternoon programming by swapping “NFL Live” analyst Tim Hasselbeck with wife and “View” co-host Elisabeth.

No truth to the rumor that Jay Harris tried to kill himself before the 6 o’clock SportsCenter.

New Coke and Sony’s Beta-max cosponsored the network-spanning event and also footed the bill to fly Dick Vitale to San Antonio to call Wednesday’s Jazz-Spurs game.

Hasselbeck: Louder in real life

Seriously, though, who the hell gave Jeff Zucker a say at ESPN?

In other news, the University of New Orleans announced its withdrawal from the Sun Belt Conference as part of a planned transition from Division I to Division III athletics. I get that the school’s had its fair share of difficulties, but D-I to D-III? What if Vijah Singh said, “Screw the PGA tour and screw the Champions Tour. I’m going straight to put-put”?

Segueing nicely into golf and the only golfer that matters, Tiger Woods checked himself into a sex rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, Miss., over the past week. How fitting is that? A sex rehab clinic in Mississippi.

Here’s what I find absolutely riveting: he’s actually participating in group-therapy sessions.

Now imagine for one second that you’ve made the decision to check yourself into a sex rehab clinic in the middle of Podunk, Miss. You’re already a little skeptical about this whole “sex rehab” business – you’re wondering if it’s legit, you’re wondering if you even need it in the first place. So now you’ve trekked up to this facility in the middle of nowhere, you check in at the front desk, freshen up a little bit, wash your hands five times, finally get up the courage to walk down the hall to your first group meeting. And who should a-freaking-ppear but TIGER FREAKING WOODS.

To borrow a line from Chris Rock:“It’s Tiga-Tiga-Woods-y’all!”

Happy playoffs.

- Robbie

Alcoholics and Diverticulitis: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two seperate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever.

On Thursday, it was announced that Detroit Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera has been in rehab for alcohol abuse for the last three months. Cabrera was diagnosed as needing rehab after an Oct. 3 domestic abuse complaint from his wife made national news. The slugger has spent his offseason in an outpatient treatment program for alcoholism, or as John Daly calls it, the gynecologist office.

The first season of Jersey Shore came to an end on Thursday night, sparking a mixture of emotions across the country. University of Cincinnati defensive lineman Dan Giordano is said to have had one of the more extreme reactions to the show’s conclusion. Giordano supposedly did a cycle of steroids, drank a pitcher of Ron Ron Juice and ran outside to rip his shirt off and scream/cry to the heavens to cope with the loss of the first show that ever hit close to home for him. Keep your head up Dan, I’m sure the next casting call is soon to come.

Guido.

UFC heavyweight Brock Lesnar, known in some circles as “El Grizzly Bear,” spoke to the media on Wednesday for the first time since a mystery illness began to heavily affect his life and fighting career in October. Lesnar spoke about having diverticulitis, a whole in his stomach, that most doctors said could only be cured by a surgery that would be career-ending and life-changing. Lesnar held out on the surgery, and somehow, on Jan. 5, after an arduous process that had seen Lesnar lose 40 pounds, he was given clean report on his health. Lesnar is scheduled to make his return to the octagon this summer. His return is being described as the biggest comeback since Chris Andersen returned to the NBA from the first known crystal meth suspension, and Ray Lewis never missed a down after killing a man.

And this week’s award for sore winner goes to:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0u-i2n-lZs]

Cheer up Andy, you’re undefeated in 2010. Yes, I know that’s a joke. Stop yelling at me. Man, I’d hate to see him after a loss. Oh wait, I’ve seen that plenty of times.

In case you don’t own a television or decided to boycott all forms of media this week, Tiger Woods has checked into sex rehab. Yes, because the best way to handle a gang of crazy sex addicts is to lock them all up together in a building in Nowhere, Mississippi. Tiger’s focus group is said to consist of Christi Cream, Alexis Texas and Air Force Amy.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ymoyf6JIHKQ]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezm66VaNL6o]

Have a boisterous weekend.

-Bryan

Roundball Roundup

"Don't make me throw this at you, Al"

The Roundup is back for Week 2. It’s semi-coherent, semi-sober and semi-awesome. This is what you people get for making me right a basketball column at 11 p.m. on a Thursday night. And save your “You didn’t spell ‘write’ correctly.” I’m not going back to change it.

Like you, I’ve turned on a TV in the last 72 hours. And like you, I’m feeling political.

So before we get into the Artests and bolts of the basketball week that was, I would first like to use this platform to propose a sweeping referendum on the crawlers, tickers, and bottom lines that are compressing our live action box and giving our children ADD. I would also like to say in defense of that last sentence that I do not actually have children, so let me substitute those last four words with “giving Shawn Kemp’s children” ADD.

It’s bad enough that the ubiquitous “The Lead” has shot dead the suspense a certain highlight show that will remain nameless (FSN Final Score! No, I’m kidding… talking about SportsCenter) once afforded the budding sports blogger with a 9 p.m. bedtime. But this, friends, is not my main complaint.

(a brief aside: If The Lead were a rock star, would he insist on “The Lead,” or would he be cool if people just called him Lead? Let’s say, for instance, that The Lead was in a band with Bono. Would Bono say, “Please hand me the guitar The Lead,” or would he be comfortable enough in his friendship with The Lead to say something along the lines of “Lead, this is the Apple executive I was telling you about. Lead, Steve. Steve, Lead”? I cannot, friends, seem to rectify this fictional scenario, and so prefer to think of The Lead as an international soccer star instead.)

What’s the point, friends, of owning a 42-inch flat screen if a full two of those inches are dedicated to “news” like this:

The following is a real-world example of what Ticker can do to you.

NBA TV, Monday, 3:15 p.m.

Crawler Reads: “MIL 6 HOU 6”

Now I don’t have to tell you that this really threw me for a loop!

My immediate reaction was, “I must have been hit by a bus, awaken from a coma and missed the start of spring training!”

When I realized that no, If I’d been hit by a bus, I’d probably be in a body cast – or at the very least, healed, but much older – my second thought was, “Wow, this is a really low scoring football game… When did the Packers move to Milwaukee? And why are they playing Monday Night Football at 3 in the afternoon during the playoffs? Did Houston even make the playoffs!?”

I even briefly entertained the idea that Ochocinco changed his name to “Milsixhousix,” and that NBA TV was trying to save space by using the abbreviation. 

However, when I saw these finer points…

“Bogut 2 pts L. Mbah a Moute 2 pts Ariza 2 pts A. Brooks 2 pts”

…it dawned on me that, “Oh, this game started 30 FREAKING SECONDS AGO.”

(And thanks, NBA TV, for the “L.” in front of “Mbah a Moute.” I would have never guessed.)

You see that we have a problem. So right here, right now, before my family, my country, and the great people of Gainesville, I would like to formally propose Congressional action banning all scrolling scores until the fourth quarter (or equivalent) of every non-post season sporting event, if only because there’s not a human left in this great nation of ours that doesn’t watch TV with a laptop or smart phone in front of him. We, people of America, love us some stats. But enough is enough.

Who’s behind me?

We’re going to ESPN! We’re going to CBS Sports! We’re going to Fox Sports! We’re going to TNT! We’re going to FSN! We’re going to NBA TV! We’re going to the NFL Network! We’re going to…

(*abruptly disappears from national stage, steps down from soapbox, becomes head of DNC, and pops up from time to time as a guest analyst on MSNBC*)

"We're going to ESPN!"

So let’s talk basketball.

Over the weekend, Celtics shooting guard Ray “Sour Grapes” Allen, referring to the potential All-Star selections of Tracy McGrady and Allen Iverson, told reporters that fan voting has “watered down” the league’s midseason showcase. Allen had no comment on the game’s lack of defense, circus atmosphere, or the fact that he’s averaging 16 points per game.

In other A-S Weekend news, David Stern and Co. decided to implement a “dunk-in” during halftime of Friday’s (2/19) Rookie Challenge. Raptors rookie guard DeMar DeRozan will be getting up and throwing down with Clips two-guard Eric Gordon to determine who will take the fourth spot in Saturday’s main event (against Shannon Brown, Nate Robinson and Gerald Wallace).

I, for one, haven’t been this excited since Dr. Shapiro handed me the Sega controller and said, “Here, play ‘Sonic’ while I drill into your back molars.”

Rumors are flying around the league that jealousy issues will ultimately tear apart the Timberwolves frontcourt. While Al Jefferson struggles to regain his form after last year’s right ACL tear, Kevin “I Love Me Some” Love is busy creating a fantasy monster, upping his minutes by 6 from last year and pounding the glass like the crazy guy in a police lineup. Take a look at the numbers:

Al Jefferson: 41 G, 34 MPG, 18.2 PPG, 9.6 RPG

Kevin Love: 23 G, 31 MPG, 15.2 PPG, 12.3 RPG

Excuse Al Jefferson if he pulls a Randy Moss, I mean “hears footsteps.”

Let me bottom line (irony!) this for you: K-Love and AJ got mad beef, and GM Jim Stack is taking offers.

Because both are gifted, young big men playing the same position, any deal might just come down who would rather stay in Minnesota. Said Al Jefferson, “There are 73 black people in Minneapolis. Forty-seven play for the Vikings. Kevin’s the nephew of a freaking BEACH BOY. You do the math.”

Speaking of incompetent GMs, Grizz trade machine Chris “The Inspiration for Ralph Wiggum” Wallace looks more and more each day like’s he’s stumbled uncontrollably upon the right answer: O.J. Mayo, Rudy Gay, Marc Gasol, Mike Conley and a suddenly-gives-a-crap Zach Randolph. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then, which worries me because I’m afraid Wallace is going to trade his nut to the Laker’s for a piece of yarn.

This is a guy, after all, that flipped Joe Johnson and a first-round pick for Rodney Rogers and Tony Delk, went out of his way to acquire Vin “I’m a Washed Up Alcoholic With An $86 Million Contract” Baker, and just spent the No. 2 overall pick on Hasheem Thabeet, otherwise known as The Guy That Isn’t Johnny Flynn.

Wallace: "I'm also the man behind the Iverson deal!"

Still, I’ll give credit where credit is due. As of Thursday, the Grizzlies are 22-19, 7-3 in their last 10, 15-14 against the West, and a game-and-change out of a playoff spot. They’re trotting out two of the most exciting players in the league (Mayo and Gay), a can’t miss future superstar (Mayo), two of the top 20 big men (Randolph and Gasol), and, um, Mike Conley.  

Chris, this what you call a “nucleus.” You’re sitting on a pile of Microsoft stock circa 1986.  Do the people of Memphis a favor and put the phone down.

(By the way, what were the odds in 1986 that two of the three best NBA teams in 2015 would be playing in Oklahoma City and Memphis? A million to one? A billion to one? What, you’re not ready to go there…?)

And finally, Madison Square Garden hosted its annual Italian Heritage Night on Friday when Raptors “star” Andrea Bargnani and Marco Belinelli squared off against fellow countryman Danilo Gallinari. The game, a Toronto victory, was a breath of fresh air for an ethnic group just looking for a little respect on American TV. But since this was Knicks-Raptors, you had a Situation with few Woww! moments and some truly appalling D.

 We’re running short on time. I need a buzzer beater. Fist pumps.  

- Robbie

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGa7tENsK_w]

NASCAR Turning Closer to its Roots for Rescue

In the words of the immortal Harry Hogge, “Rubbin’ is racin’.”

While that quote is from the movie “Days of Thunder,” and Hogge is a primarily fictitious character, seldom has a line described more honestly the appeal to stock car racing. NASCAR is supposed to be a physical brand of racing that was manifested in the Deep South by men who were more interested in moonshine than fame. Most would agree that NASCAR has almost completely removed itself from that state in modern times.

While becoming one of the quickest expanding sports in the United States, NASCAR stumbled away from its core foundation, the roots that made longtime fans fall in love at first sight. To make the sport a national institution, this was necessary. However, once fans started getting a national interpretation of NASCAR, some things started to appear watered-down.

For instance, races in front of stands packed with passionate fans in places like Rockingham and Darlington have been shifted out to California and Chicago where attendance is often sparse. NASCAR has also issued rules over the years to crack down on contact and physical racing that can result in dangerous crashes. Many drivers have disliked these policies as NASCAR has always had an unwritten tradition of letting drivers sort things out themselves. Having officials constantly stepping in with discipline had seemingly hurt the camarderie that was built through drivers working out situations on their own.

Today, NASCAR announced that that will no longer be the case.

Coming off of a season where rules were at an all-time high and the result was a rather dull brand of racing, NASCAR officials have said that this season they will step out of the way and remove restrictions on contact and driver altercations.

“There’s an age old saying that NASCAR, ‘If you ain’t rubbing, you ain’t racin,’” NASCAR president Mike Helton said.

Sound familiar?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYGJ3EsUgS4]

Without contact, NASCAR is nothing more than a slower version of drag racing or the Indy Series. There is a reason why NASCAR is overwhelmingly preferred in this country when compared to those two brands. It is because stock car racing is a “whatever it takes to win,” unpredictable kind of arena. People don’t want to see Helio Castroneves dominate his competition because his car is slightly superior and there’s nothing the competition can do about it. Racing fans want to see a relatively unkown driver earn a surprising win because he executed a bump draft to perfection.

When NASCAR was a uniquely southern treasure, it was an exciting brand of action and competition. It had all the things that makes people interested in sports. It contained raw and rugged passion. Why not take the model that made the South fall in love with the sport and reinstitute it to the entire country?

This season could be fun. Just 24 days until Daytona.

-Bryan

Jersey Shore: A Sports Celebration

Today is Thursday, Jan 21, 2010, which only means one thing in the larger spectrum of American society. Tonight is the season finale of “Jersey Shore,” a reality that show that has, for better or worse (okay, definitely worse), taken the nation by storm over the last two months.

To commemorate this historical day in “so-bad-that-it’s-good” television, I have decided to analyze each character on the Jersey Shore in a way that is, ofcourse, completely sports-related. I will be comparing each cast member to a sports team. Much like a Seaside Heights boardwalk brawl, there are no rules or regulations here. Teams from every sport, college or professional, are eligible for an eternally embarrassing connection to one of the most famous guidos or guidettes in the world.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino: To me, this is the easiest comparison. This is the comparison that caused my interest in writing this entirely unnecessary post. The Situation IS the New York Mets, and there really isn’t another option that I can even consider for him.  Like the Mets, The Situation began his season as a budding star. After watching the show’s two hour debut, there was little doubt as to who the main focus of this show would be. The rest of the characters seemed to just simply revolve around the man who Bill Simmons said looks like a “low budget Derek Jeter.” Time and time again, the Mets start their seasons with tremendous promise. This year they added K-Rod! This is the year Jose Reyes lives up to his potential! This is the year the Mets win it al…WRONG.

Like The Situation the Mets always notoriously find a way to turn their surplus of talent and possibilities into a late season collapse. While The Situation began the season as the show’s headliner, his role has seemed to tire as the season has worn on. Now, this is not to say that he is no longer the show’s most recognizeable cast member. Ten years from now, The Situation will probably still be living off of his 2009 summer, doing some ridiculous spin-off reality show on MTV or VH-1. Everybody always talks about the Mets as well. However, as the season comes to a close, Ronnie has, in my mind, taken over as the show’s lead male character. Fights speak louder than words.

Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola: Yes, Sammi Sweetheart once played Division III college soccer. See America, you do learn something new every day. Sammi’s sports team companion is based off of one single principle. They are both complete oxymorons. Much like how jazz is a completely foreign entity in Utah, being a “sweetheart” is not anything close to the traits that Sammi typically displays. Sweethearts do not instigate their boyfriends into a fight, only to complain about them getting into that fight later. Sammi may be billed as the “best girl in Seaside,” but that is similar to saying that you have found the best party at BYU.

Vinny Guadagnino: Vinny is the unwanted step child of the casting call for this. Every now and then, a show accidentally brings in someone who ends up bringing nothing to the table. With the exception of a strange battle with pink eye and a brief fling with The Situation’s visiting sister, Vinny has been an irrelevant bystander. That is why I associate him with what is, in my opinion, the most irrelevant franchise in sports. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only, Charlotte Bobcats.

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi: Most likely the show’s most memorable female character – excuse me, guidette – Snooki will remain well-known for one specific attribute, the ability to get the living hell beat out of her on camera. She certainly seems to react to these situations with gloom, but she also seems to embrace the notoriety that it gives her. There are plenty of low budget college football programs that I could use here, but I’m going to keep it in-state and go with the Florida International Panthers. FIU will go anywhere and take a beating from anyone if it means a paycheck is promised. Road games at Alabama, Florida, Penn State, USF, Iowa? Sure, why not. The Panthers need money and they are willing to humiliate themselves in front of major football audiences everywhere to get that money. Keep it up Snickers! You’re one more haymaker away from your very own reality show!

Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio: In a land of stereotypes, Pauly D is the stereotype to end all stereotypes. Pauly D is the Cougars. The Cougars, you ask? Yes, I am referring to the Cougars from the 2003 ESPN series “Playmakers,” and no it doesn’t matter that they’re not a real team. In fact, Pauly D barely appears to be a real person. The Cougars had every stereotypical facet that a football team can possibly offer: steroids, drugs, sex, partying, domestic abuse, etc. Pauly D has every stereotype that you can possibly latch onto a Jersey Shore cast member: random tattoos, extreme blowout haircut, fake tan, the fact that he is 28 years old with no apparent direction in life.

Jenni “JWoww” Farley: Snooki’s source of “personal advice,” and the seemingly trashiest member of a group that isn’t exactly high class, JWoww (with three W’s so that you don’t confuse her with the other JWows in your life) is the New York Majesty. Yes, the New York Majesty of the Lingerie Football League. This comparison might end up being the best of all. I’m sure a contract offer will be on the table for JWoww next season.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro: It took serious dedicaion for me to not break away from the team concept and use a professional wrestler here. That is because I honestly think that Ronnie deserves a wrestling and/or MMA contract after this show concludes. Just imagine the pro wrestler you could make if you took The Situation’s charisma and threw it into Ronnie’s physique. Moving on.

Ronnie is the Detroit Pistons, and yes I mean the real Pistons, the Bad Boys. He has made a late season run as the Shore’s most notable character because of his habit of getting into fights and destroying anyone who talks trash to try and catch the attention of MTV cameras. He has probably had one of the better summers in comparison to his roommates, but his legacy will be his fights. Rodman and Thomas can be proud.

Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick: When I began writing this, I had honestly forgotten that Angelina was ever on the show. Then I remembered my favorite line from this season and I immediately became disappointed in myself.

“I’m a bartender. I do great things.”

Angelina’s explanation of why she was above working at a t-shirt shop is the only memory that most will have of her. Her refusal to work at the store got her kicked off the show in just the third episode. Therefore, she never developed enough to earn the depth that being compared to a full team requires.

Angelina is Stephon  Marbury.

Fist pumps.

-Bryan

The Mega Football Playoff Column

Birth of a Sanchize

Thursday presentation be damned. Below are all the possible Super Bowl scenarios and what it will take for us to realize them. I’m telling you all I know – go forth and spread the word. 

Jets – Vikings

Why It’s In Play: Because there are two kinds of people with whom you never want to pick a fight: crazy dudes and gunslingers. Ryan would be the former – he’s impetuous, he’s overly aggressive, he’ll say and do just about anything to put his team over the top. And his players love him for it. He’s running his yap again this week, spouting all kinds of nonsense about being the best team left and Super Bowl favorites and whatnot. Meanwhile rookie – rookie – quarterback Mark Sanchez is chilling with a teammate or two in some posh club in lower Manhattan wondering why nobody is talking about him. It’s a brilliant strategy.

Why We Want to See It: Are you kidding me? For a million reasons, but for now let’s focus on the field generals. Old School vs. New School. Battle of the Beards. The Wrangler Cowboy vs. the Real Life Vinny Chase. Call it what you want – this is a win-win for all involved. Either outcome gives us a victorious quarterback sticking it big time to the doubters. I would rather see Favre give Ted Thompson, Jim Rome and the entire state of Wisconsin the giant foam finger, but watching Pete Carroll bow to kiss The Sanchize’s ring would be pretty sweet as well.

Why It Won’t Happen: Because Peyton Manning has a say. I’m picking the Jets right now, but I know I’ll talk myself out of it by the time Sunday afternoon rolls around. When Eighteen steps out of the tunnel for Colts-Jets, he’ll summon the high-topped ghost of Johnny U, stir flashbacks to The Game That Changed It All, and impart a sobering revelation to brash New Yorkers that, this time, Broadway Joe isn’t the other guy calling the shots.

You see, there’s this little thing about rookie quarterbacks in big games… Only three frosh QBs have ever reached the conference championship. Let’s see how they did: 

1999-2000:  Shaun King, Tampa Bay at St. Louis

Result: 6-11, Loss 

Stat Line: 13-29, 163 yds, 0 TD, 2 INT, 34.1 rating

2003-2004: Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh vs. New England

Result: 27-41, Loss

Stat Line: 14-24, 226 yds, 2 TD, 3 INT, 78.1 rating

2008-2009: Joe Flacco, Baltimore at Pittsburgh

Result: 14-23, Loss

Stat Line (disclaimer: not for the faint of heart): 13-30, 141 yds, 0 TD, 3 INT, 18.2 rating

That’s some fugly stuff. On the other hand, we both (thanks for reading, Mom!) know that there are greater forces at work -I’m thinking there’s something in that Hudson River water, and not just the stuff that makes the bagels great.

Close your eyes: this does not end well

Jets – Saints

Why It’s In Play: Because Cinderella’s been working out since September and, damnit, she’s gonna flaunt that two-piece on South Beach. The Jets are the obvious dark horse – they backed into the playoffs, start a college senior at QB, and have no real home run threat to speak of. But don’t let New Orleans’ 13-0 start fool you. The Saints franchise resides in the same pantheon reserved solely for the Clippers, Lions and Fredo Corleone. And you know what they say: can’t spell Saints without A-I-N’-T… All of which would make a New Orleans victory on Sunday taste that much sweeter. They only thing better than Miami in late winter? Mardi Gras in February.

Why We Want to See It: For the biggest philosophical throwdown since Kant-Marx II. Sexy Rexy wants to prove to every clipboard junky with a spread offense and five wideouts that shutdown defense and smashmouth running wins rings. Of course, Ryan could confront his Dr. Jeckyll in the form of Shaun Payton, a spotlight-shunning, quiet killer who does his dirty work with a cannon-armed quarterback and laser-guided playcalling. Labeling these two diametrically opposed opposites would be an affront to diametrically opposed opposites. What’s the difference between Payton and Ryan? The difference between a chisel and a jackhammer.

Why It Won’t Happen: Because Number Four has come this far, and by now, I’m starting to think that the football gods had it all planned out from the beginning. If they had chosen to preordain the Saints, New Orleans would have won five years ago.

The 40-Year-Old Version

Colts – Vikings

Why It’s In Play: The Jets are playing with house money, but they’re about to go all-in against the NFL’s Phil Ivey. Manning dispelled any “rust” worries by picking apart a gritty Ravens defense in the most crucial moments of Saturday’s late game, and in the process put in play a possibility that none would have in a million years considered: Jim Caldwell, Sneaky Genius.  By benching his starters at the end of the regular season, Caldwell effectively jettisoned his own players into the nether regions of Eff You Mode. He robbed his own team of a chance at perfection, denied 53 men instant immortality, and looks to have given the Colts an edge that no amount of bulletin board material could ever have. Have you gazed into the eyes of The Horseshoed Eighteen lately? He looks like somebody just took his G.I. Joes. He’s got this steely poker face working – good luck to the 11 guys on the other side of the table.

Why We Want to See It: Because the more opportunities you give him, the more likely it is that Jared Allen will actually wear hot pants during a game. Of more importance, you’d have in Manning vs. Favre the rarest of scenarios in which the winning quarterback jumps Sega cheat code-style to the top spot in the Greatest Of All Time Discussion. You can argue with me all you want, but both of these resumés would qualify:

Manning – Super Bowl Champion (x2), Super Bowl MVP, MVP (x4), All-Pro (x5), Pro Bowl (x10), 4,000 Yards (x10), 25+ TD (x12), Career High 49 TD, Regular Season Leader: 4000-Yard Seasons, 10+ Win Seasons, 12+ Win Seasons, Single Season Passer Rating (121.1)

Favre – Super Bowl Champion (x2), MVP (x3), All-Pro (x3), Pro Bowl (x11), 4,000 Yards (x6), 25+ TD (x11), Regular Season Leader: Victories, QB Consecutive Games Played, TD, Yards, Completions, Attempts, 30-TD Seasons

Why It Can’t Happen: How’s this for a head-trip? Woodstock, Earth Day, the Elvis comeback, the BMW 5 Series and the Minnesota quarterback: all conceived in early ’69. The Watergate scandal was old news by the time a waffling young Favre was planning his preschool retirement. Some guys just aren’t meant to play professional football, and those guys are 40 years old. He just can’t keep this up, right? 

G.O.A.T.?

Colts-Saints

Why It’s In Play: Adrian Peterson’s late season Houdini act doesn’t bode well for a team whose strengths supposedly lie in its massive lines of scrimmage. Bryant McKinnie still hasn’t gotten his mojo back after that Julius Peppers debacle in week 15, and AP hasn’t cracked the century mark in two months (and only after a bye week against the Lions). We thought coming into the season that this would be Brett Favre’s “Dilfer Year.” So wrong… The old gunslinger is locked and loaded, and at 40, playing the very best football of his legendary career. If something’s gonna give, it’s gonna give in a shootout against the best offense in the league. Let’s say Favre DOES have another turn-back-the-clock night in him. That just means the Vikings secondary is in for a deluge of trick plays and fly patterns. Nope, not good for a team whose best defensive back is a banged up 5-foot 9-inch 32-year-old gladiator smirf. I’m Antoine Winfield’s biggest fan, but when guys around the league insist that you’re “gritty” and a “gamer,” it’s usually just a backhanded way of saying you’re washed up. Drew Brees is about to turn Colston, Shockey, Henderson and the rest of the Black Angels Arial Display loose, and by Monday, I fully expect “Black Angels” to be incorporated into the media vernacular.

Why We Want to See It: I’ve already covered this. “Garcon! Thomas! It’s the French Connection on CBS!”

Why It Won’t Happen: For one, it’s been a full 17 years since a pair of No. 1 seeds met in the Super Bowl (Cowboys-Bills). But that doesn’t mean anything, so let’s talk about running backs. While Indy tries to figure out a way to rectify finishing dead freaking last in rushing (What will the Colts do when Revis and Co. shutdown their wideouts?), Shonn “Correct Spelling” Greene is licking his chops to tear into that Indy front seven. Look, I like Greene as much as the next guy, provided the next guy is Shonn’s father. He’s been the X-factor in this year’s playoffs, pulling a Ray Liotta and magically appearing out of some cornfield in Iowa to save the Jets season. He’s become the team’s go-to guy, permanently supplanted Thomas Jones as the ’10-’11 starter, and rendered the once-thought indispensable Leon “I’m the Only Threat You Got” Washington an afterthought. I’m not done. Greene, a 5-foot-11, 226-pound bowling ball of a human, rushed for 30 yards through the first six weeks of the season. He had a 100-yard game back in late October and zero – I said zero – 20 carry games.

I’m glad you asked about his playoff performance because I was going there anyway. Forty-four carries, 263 yards, two 100-yard games and a sweet little 6 yard-a-pop average. How do you neutralize the league’s best pass-rushing tandem (Freeney/Mathis), the best quarterback (Manning), and your biggest liability (Sanchize)? You pound the rock. Again. And again.

Merril Hoge: "It's all about the factor back."

Not to belabor the point, but when Sexy Rexy sent in the big uglies on fourth and two feet without batting an eye,  I 1) made myself an honorary Jets fan right then and there and 2) developed a full-on man crush. Hell, Ryan was ready to check himself in at fullback. I’m falling for this team, and I’m not afraid to admit it.  I love the way they hit. I love the way they run an offense from the pre-rock ‘n roll era. I love the way they own the trenches. I love Darrelle Revis and I love Revis’ nickname. I love that Ryan wouldn’t know a “.” if it bit him in the ass. I love that Thomas Jones is older than water and still getting it done. And I love – I love – the way this ragtag team stepped off the ship with five bucks in its back pocket and nothing to lose. 

I leave you with my favorite quote of the weekend and the one that adequately describes my inner spirit: “We’re going for it! LET’S GO!”

- Robbie

Football on Demand: Jets-Chargers Game Log

"Tonight, we dine in hell"

If you missed Cards-Saints, click here. Or don’t – that game was a train wreck. 

The DVR is locked and loaded. It’s 5:25 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon, or as I like to call, “go time.”

FIRST QUARTER

12:25: The Chargers offense stalls on its first series. Says color man Phil Simms before third and 18, “This is the strength of the Jets defense.” And of every defense, Phil. We get a penalty before the snap to make it third and 23. I’d say New York’s D is pretty much unstoppable in these situations. San Diego punts.

9:59: Jets punter Steve Weatherford shanks a 28-yard punt off the side of his foot, but Phil and Jim Nance defend his gaffe, sighting Steve’s weekend stay in the hospital. I’ve gotten 28s on tests before and this excuse has yet to work for me.

8:15: Chargers back Ladainian Tomlinson picks up 4 yards on a “shifty” move. He’s got 2 carries for 9 yards – not exactly eye-popping, but hey, it’s a playoff game and he’s on the field. Baby steps.

6:31: San Diego kicker Nate Kaeding, who’s made 67 straight field goals inside the 40, lines up for a 36-yarder as a CBS graphic reads, “Kaeding: made 67 straight field goals inside the 40.” Kiss of death. Wide left. 0-0.

4:07: On third and 8, Phil Rivers connects with Antonio Gates, who’s off to a monster start. First down, Chargers. Nance reads this promo: “After putting it off for years, will Charlie finally have the guts to go through with a colonoscopy?” Not touching that one with a 10-foot pole, at least not for 40 years.

3:00: Time out, Chargers. We go to break and I have my finger locked on fast forward until… Manning. Timberlake. Andrews. It’s the best commercial on TV, and so far, after the Cowboys drubbing, the best part of my afternoon. I just got a flat screen for Christmas and I still want to go out and buy a Sonia Bravia. 0-0.[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo5gbTirdn4]

SECOND QUARTER

13:33: First and 10, Chargers. Gates makes a spectacular one-handed catch for 24 yards. I’d say he’s the Jim Abbott of tight ends. San Diego scores two plays later. 7-0, Chargers.

10:45: We have a sponsorship from one “Pepsi Throwback,” apparently hatched from the creative minds that gave you Pepsi Crystal. Never seen this product before, but I’ll just tell you right now, DOA.

8:58: The Jets offense is deep in its own territory and has 21 total yards on the day. You know that dream where you walk into class and realize that you’re late for an exam and not wearing any pants? Mark Sanchez is having that dream right now.

3:11: Apparently it’s a lucid dream because Sanchize has put on some clothes and hit Braylon Edwards on a frozen rope. The drive stalls, but the Jets have changed field position, and unfortunately, this is a battle of field position. 7-0, Chargers.

1:44: Jets receiver Jerricho Cotchery fields a sky-scraping punt and does nothing with it. Remember way back to the beginning of last season when this guy was a “promising young talent”? And remember way back to the beginning of this season when Vikings receiver Sydney Rice – who caught three more TDs today – was a “total bust”? Are we ready to acknowledge the Favre Effect? He’s the greatest ever, and we’re limping into halftime like the old dude in “Up.”

:11: The Bolts desperately scramble to get into field goal range. Simms on timeouts: “In the first half, use them when you need them. Protect them in the second half.” Apparently Phil and Randy Shannon have opposite philosophies.

THIRD QUARTER

13:22: Kaeding came up short on a 55-yard field goal attempt at the end of the second quarter. The throbbing power chords of “Baba O’Reilly” lead us into the second half. First colonoscopy talk. Now promos for decrepit rockers. I feel a Cialis commercial coming on. Still 7-Zip, Chargers.

10:45: Jets kicker Jay Feely drives home a 46-yarder. Secretly underrated stat about Feely: He’s played for more AFL teams (2) than he’s spent days on the Chiefs roster (1). 7-3, Chargers.

4:23: New York corner Darrelle Revis, 5’11”, out-leaps Vincent Jackson, 6’3”, deep in Jets territory, making one of the more spectacular interceptions you’ve ever seen. The buzz surrounding this guy reaches fever pitch. Is he the real deal? Let’s put it this way: when Revis pays in Benjamins, they don’t hold the bills up to the light.[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iOmbo_uKSw]

FOURTH QUARTER

13:35. Let me recap the last few minutes. Revis montage. Real deal. Confirmed. Then Phil Rivers throws a stupid interception from his own 5. Chad Kelly, 15, the winner of the “Punt, Pass and Kick” competition, would have never made that throw, and says so when they honor him during the break (made that last part up). Sanchez connects with Dustin Keller a few plays later. San Diego fans boo their own team and all of a sudden that 50:1-Jets-to-Super Bowl bet is looking pretty freakin’ sweet. 10-7, New York.

10:20: Chargers tight end Brandon Manumaleuna, inspired by the upcoming “60 Minutes” feature on Samoans in the NFL… falls on a Rivers fumble after Kerry Rhodes darts in untouched on safety blitz. I know. Anticlimactic. The New York sideline is going wild. So is The Situation… He’s got to be a Jets fan, right?

"Gym, tan, laundry, tailgate"

7:17: Shonn Greene (correct spelling) shoots through the Chargers D-line, punishes a linebacker and goes 53 yards for the longest TD run in Jets history. He stole the starting job from Thomas Jones while I wrote that last sentence. I’m trying to think of the last time the support upstaged the main event like this… Got it. Van Halen (opener), Black Sabbath (headliner), 1978. 17-7, Jets.

5:18: Nance comments on the Chargers scattershot offense – its confused, burning precious clock, breaking huddle in a frenzy. He could have just saved us time and said, “They’re running the Hurricanes two minute offense.” I thought that was funny, but Nate Kaeding isn’t laughing after pushing his third field goal of the day. He missed three during the entire regular season. They call it “The CBS Graphics Jinx” for a reason. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYRKtuwbpAw]

3:00: A quick update on young Chad Kelly. Apparently he’s the son of Hall of Fame quarterback and proud University of Miami alum Jim Kelly. Gotta love the Internet. Still 17-7, J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS!

 2:14: Phil Rivers sneaks in from the 1 after a series that included a semi-miraculous, toe-tapping catch, a booth review, a chincy personal foul and a blown touchdown call at the Jets goal line. Kaeding hits the extra point with authority. 17-14, San Diego. And now we’re awaiting the most exciting play in football: the onside kick. I’m a kid in a candy store. This would be really suspenseful if you didn’t already know the final score.

2:14: Jets recover the onsider. I was trying to find Braylon Edwards on the hands team so I could knock out This Week’s Lessons In Irony right here and now. No luck. Damnit.

1:42: Greene comes up a foot short on a dive play on third and 6. Camera pans to Jets coach Rex Ryan: “We’re going for it! Let’s go!” I feel like I could run through a wall right now. So does Thomas Jones. No contest. First down, Jets. Phil Rivers, I say to you, sir, enjoy the golf course. See the rest of you in Indianapolis.

- Robbie

Whiners and Winners: A Look Back at the Long Weekend

The New York Jets officially took their spot as the coolest thing not named Brett Favre this weekend. The NFL playoffs have become notorious for having that one team that hits a stride during wild card weekend and never turns back. Now, Rex Ryan and his hot dog-eating rookie quarterback are in position to add their names to a recent list that includes the New York Giants and Arizona Cardinals. The Jets play a rugged brand of defensive football that is perfectly built for the playoffs. Darrelle Revis is probably the most dominant player remaining in the playoffs and is further embarrassing the league for not naming him defensive MVP.

 The Jets will move on to play the Colts which means that any form of objectivity that I have will go out the window. Why you ask? The answer is simple.

I can’t stand the Colts.

I don’t like that they treat the last few games of every regular season like preseason. I don’t like that their coaching staff robbed their players and fans of a possible perfect season. I don’t like that their players lied after the game and said that a perfect season wasn’t important to them.

Okay, I sound bitter, and I might be.

Only about five or six months removed from being a doubter, I feel compelled to ask one question: How awesome is it to watch Brett Favre right now? Yes, like many, I got pretty sick of Brett over the last year and was not very excited about seeing him play for the Vikings this season. However, he has approached this season with the enthusiasm and passion that we are used to seeing in Favre. A far cry from the pitiful rendition that we were forced to watch as he walked through his time in the Meadowlands without any real meaning.

Speaking of Favre, Keith Brooking cannot stop him and he is NOT happy about it.

"He ran up the score on me."

Brooking, Cowboys starting linebacker and perpetual whiner, drew the attention of Fox cameras on Sunday when he angrily confronted the Vikings sideline after their final touchdown. Fox microphones picked up Brooking saying something along the lines of “I’m going to take my toys and go home now because you’re not playing nice.”

Memo to Brooking: You play for the Cowboys, the most heavily promoted and media focused team this side of the Yankees. If a team has a chance to drop 100 on your “America’s Team” persona and ridiculously excessive palace of a stadium then they probably will. It is your job to stop them which you obviously were not capable of doing.

Moving on.

The Wade Phillips/Jerry Jones relationship continues to somehow stay intact. These two seem from all angles to be opposites. Wade Phillips is the  quaint, humble leader while Jerry Jones is the flashy, “if the Cowboys are in the news, that’s all that matters” frontman. I don’t see this partnership lasting any longer than one more non-Super Bowl season.

"My Precious."

In other news, Floyd Mayweather is looking to fight Shane Mosley as a replacement for Mosley’s previous opponent Andre Berto who has pulled out after losing eight family members in the tragic Haiti earthquake. The fight marks another Mayweather quest for an irrelevant payday.

Seriously, boxing has truly become the most pathetic sporting institution in all of athletics. Name one other sport where fans only want one thing and the sport fails to deliver. The political disaster between Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, in my mind, signifies the end of a sport that some already feel is over. In the entire sport, there are two damn people that anybody outside of Teddy Atlas cares about watching, and boxing promoters can’t make these two people get in a ring together.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifGPXVsUwy4]

Please somebody knock this man out.

UFC save me.

Finally, people are finally starting to publicly notice the fact that the Pro Bowl is not going to be in Hawaii this year. I think that this is great news. For those who don’t know, this years Pro Bowl will be held in Miami as a sort of kickoff for the week’s Super Bowl festivities. I think it will be a cool atmosphere as the game will have that Super Bowl week party vibe instead of its traditional post-everything indifference.

In fact, having the game in a different city every year can only be good for the Pro Bowl because the game is the same thing every year. It is the least intriguing all-star game so anything that can freshen it up is a positive. It’s not like any players will be missing out on their vacation to Hawaii. They are professional football players, I think they can afford a trip of their own that doesn’t involve quirky practices with somebody else’s coaching staff.

Happy Tuesday.

-Bryan

Gaines Adams (1983-2010)

April 28, 2007, was a great day for Gaines Adams.

As a nationally renowned defensive end out of Clemson University, Adams was drafted fourth overall by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He was brought in to reinvigorate the tenacity that the Buccaneers defensive line had once had. He was the new edition of Simeon Rice. His careeer in professional football was brighter than midday sunshine in July.

January 17, 2010, was a different kind of day.

Sunday morning I woke up to the news that Gaines Adams had died. The facts would begin uncertain, but then slowly begin to clear up. Adams, now a member of the Chicago Bears, had died of cardiac arrest at the tender age of 26. It was caused by an enlarged heart, a condition that no doctors had ever diagnosed Adams to have.

The handling of this news has been seemingly awkward. Due to the fact that Adams only spent 10 games in Chicago, there was little personal attachment for the team to relate with the situation. Linebacker Brian Urlacher even came out to say that he didn’t really know Adams at all, but said that his death was “crazy.”

The Chicago Tribune was not nearly so tactful.

In Monday’s edition of the Tribune, there was an article that began with a lede saying that Adams’ death leaves many more questions than answers. The article went on to list a FAQ-esque guide to the Adams death, all of those questions relating to football and contracts. The piece included lovely lines like “Adams’ contract expired upon his death. The Bears owe him nothing else.” There is also a saddening explanation for all of those Bears fans whose first reaction after hearing of Adams’ death was “wait, are we going to get a draft pick compensation for this?” The answer is no.

The newspaper’s dehumanizing of a brutally human situation was a little sickening. One day after the death of a 26-year-old, the focus was turned to the business side of the ordeal. I realize that this is professional football and it is supposed to be a “hardball” business, but sometimes things have to be less robotic.

While handled better, the situation was still slightly awkward in Tampa, where Adams spent most of his short-lived career. In the public eye of Tampa, Adams was never embraced. He was known as the over-hyped high draft pick that became a “bust” in the words of coach Raheem Morris. He took plays off, he seemed to lack the aggression needed to institute the tenacity mentioned earlier.

But on days like Sunday that make people realize that these are real people playing this rather trivial game, Tampa sports media treated the news like it should have been treated. Adams’ death was not a football story, it was a personal story. Wrote John Romano of the St. Petersburg Times:

“I’m guessing you would have liked Gaines Adams if he had not been the No. 4 pick in the 2007 draft.

You would have liked him if he had not walked in the door on the same day the Buccaneers told Simeon Rice to walk out, or if he had not been handed a $15 million signing bonus before he ever played a down in the NFL.

I’m guessing you would have liked Gaines Adams if you had ever met him.

For in the end, he was a better man than he was a football player. He was a quiet, decent, unassuming guy who would display pictures of his children in his locker, and disguise the frustrations of his job behind a wide grin.”

We have a habit of remembering our sports figures solely by the accomplishments that they achieve on the field. I don’t fault us for that. It is human nature to view football players as football players, lawyers as lawyers, teachers as teachers. If it was not for football, there is an overwhelming chance that we would never know who these individuals are.

However, for better or worse, I think it is vital to at least look slightly beyond trade value  and sack numbers when evaluating and acknowledging a life.

-Bryan